


EXPERIENTIA DOCET Omnia  Everything, All things

by Acacia_Mac



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-01
Updated: 2015-08-31
Packaged: 2018-04-18 10:11:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 111,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4702187
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Acacia_Mac/pseuds/Acacia_Mac
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>August 2002 Summary: Brian is asked to handle a large account.  He must travel to LA and get the account working... the only problem is the person they want for the ad</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Yet another OLD fic I wrote back in 2002-2003. All mistakes are my own.

** EXPERIENTIA DOCET  **

Omnia _  
Everything, All things_

This Chapter 1 in the "EXPERIENTIA DOCET" series.   
Narrated by: Brian Kinney Featuring Cynthia Morgan, Gardner Vance, Justin Taylor, others   
Series Rated NC-17 and contains no warnings or spoilers.   
Summary: August 2002 Summary: Brian is asked to handle a large account.  He must travel to LA and get the account working... the only problem is the person they want for the ad   
Disclaimer: no profit made… The Boys are not mine. No matter how much I’d love to have them… 

 * * * * * * * 

I knew that today was going to be a shitty day, right from the moment I woke up.  First my damn alarm didn’t fucking go off, so I had to rush to get out of the loft and to work.  Of course in my rush, I didn’t get a chance to stop and grab a cup of latte, so my mood just went downhill.  It seemed like everyone in Pittsburgh was on the streets at the same time, because it took me twice as long to get downtown to the office than it normally would.  I was thankful that I didn’t have a damn meeting this morning that I would be late to, so I went straight to my office ready to give Cynthia hell if she didn’t have a cup of coffee there sitting for me. 

I walked into my office and placed my briefcase on my desk just as Cynthia came into the room with a coffee cup in hand.  I knew that there was a reason why I kept her around.  I think she is the only person alive who can put up with as much shit as I give out to her.  I know I wouldn’t have gotten as far as I have without her around, but of course I will never tell her that.  Fuck that.  I have a reputation to protect, and no matter how much I am getting tired of it, there isn’t much I can do to change that.  At least not in this town.  Fuck, I think Mikey, Lindsey, and the rest of the gang would all die of shock if they knew the things I have been thinking about.  Such things as realizing that it just may be time for me to find someone to have a … relationship with.  Fuck, just that thought scares me to death, but I think I need that in my life – I think I’m ready for that in my life. 

I have been a constant presence on the gay scene for years… always finding some quick fuck to satisfy my hunger, never wanting to get emotionally involved in anything.  Hell I have been known to have at least 20-30 nameless fucks a month.  It was the one thing that I have always been good at.  There was no one who could resist the ‘Great Brian Kinney, God’s Gift to Gay PA.’  But for some reason, I don’t know, maybe it’s age… maybe it just boredom.  I don’t know really.  However, for some reason, I am getting bored with that scene.  When I go out to the clubs, I look around and more times than not, I am finding myself leaving alone.  I see all of my friends in relationships.  Mel and Lindsey have gotten married.  Emmett was with George… well until George died, but now he’s with Ted… Fuck what is that shit?  Mikey is with Ben.  Hell, even Deb is dating someone.  And here I am… 

What the fuck am I?  What am I doing? 

I’m the one who will never change.  The one who will always be the same. 

So why does it feel like everyone else is moving forward in their lives, and my own life is stuck on fucking pause?  Why is it that I come home and suddenly find the loft entirely too quiet? 

Maybe I’m getting old…. Maybe it’s just too many fucking movies… 

Or maybe I’m finally growing up. 

Whatever it is, I need to find out what to do with my life before I’m trapped in this hell.  Before I’m left behind. 

“Vance wants to see you in his office in ten minutes,” Cynthia informed me as I sit down at my desk and take a sip of coffee, pulling me out of my thoughts.  The coffee here is horrendous, not as bad as the diner coffee, but almost. 

I look up at her ready to blow.  “And what the fuck does he want to see me for now,” I ask her trying to keep my foul mood in check.  I try not to put her in a bad mood too often, since she always makes sure that I have all my ducks in a row as they say.  She could easily forget to tell me of an important meeting and I’d be fucked.  Of course I also know that she has her damn ear to the ground and has a way of finding out shit that no one else wants me to know.  As I say… without her I wouldn’t be where I am today. 

“From what I’ve heard he meet with some bigwig yesterday,” she began as she moved to sit on the corner of my desk.  Have I ever told her how much I fucking hate it when she does that?  “And before you say anything, it was a secret meeting and no one knew about it.  Anyway, evidentially this CEO wants an ad done, but there is a catch to it.” 

I lean back in my chair and just stare at her.  What the fuck is going on here?  I think I definitely have to have a little talk with my ‘Partner’ about what being a Partner means.  Secret meetings and shit will not cut it with me.  “And?  What the fuck is the catch?” 

Cynthia just shrugs her shoulders, and I know that whatever it is must be big.  She handed me the file of the company who had the meeting with Vance yesterday, knowing that I had to be prepared for whatever he had to throw at me.  He may think he has the upper hand, but he doesn’t realize that I have a secret weapon. 

* * * * * * * 

I walk into Vance’s office after being ‘permitted’ by his secretary, and sit across from him.  Leaning back in the chair with my hands laying casually across my lap, I just stare at him waiting for him to start this fucking meeting.  “I had dinner with Christopher Jacobs last night, the CEO of Regis Enterprises,” he begins and I only nod my head.  From everything that I read in the file, Mr. Jacobs is a hard ass.  He has a tendency to visit many different firms, and place high demands on them.  The one who can pull through with the demands wins his account.  If it’s one thing I hate, it’s playing someone else’s game.  I just continue to sit there and wait for the truth behind the meeting.  What does Mr. Jacobs want us to do for him?  “Mr. Jacobs has a new product, a new campaign if you will.  The only problem is he only wants one person to be in the ad.” 

“And that’s where you want me to come in, right,” I ask not allowing my anger at this little fucking weasel show.  But there are times that I’m not as successful as I had originally planned… like now. “I guess the term ‘Partner’ doesn’t mean shit to you, does it?  When was I going to be told of this meeting?” 

“Brian, Brian, Brian,” he said standing from his desk and moving around so that he was standing in front of me.  Normally, at least with normal people, the idea of someone standing in front of you was a very intimidating thing.  To me, it just proves a point that assholes like Vance think they can push me around.  He is sadly mistaken.  I didn’t get to this point by being pushed around by some idiot who doesn’t know the first thing about what it is we do.  Vance can pretend all he wants, but if I wasn’t here to bail his ass out, he’d be bankrupt within the first 6 months.  “I didn’t think you would be interested in this meeting.  In fact it wasn’t supposed to be a business meeting at all, but during the dinner Mr. Jacobs mentioned that he would like us to do an ad for him.” 

I just shake my head in disbelief.  He really believes the lies that are coming out of his mouth.  “So what is it he wants,” I ask not ready to get into it with Vance.  I will have my day… and he won’t know what the fuck to do with me then. 

“This campaign will be internationally run.  We could get coverage in Asia, Europe, South America, Australia… you name it, we will be there.  In every household in the world.  This is our chance to expand the company to an international media.”  I think over what Vance is telling me and I can honestly say that I like the prospect of having clients throughout the world.  He’s right - if we can do this campaign, we will get the international coverage WE need to get large accounts throughout the world.  There’s a lot of money to be had in that sort of advertising, and I know that the company can only expand if… when we get this account.  The only problem is I know that there’s more to this than what I have been told so far.  I look Vance in the eye, and wait for him to continue.  “There’s a young actor, who is formerly of this city.  Mr. Jacobs wants him in the ad, and no one else.  We get the actor, we get the account.  I’m sure that I don’t need to tell you that this account is worth one hundred million dollars,” Vance told me as he moved back behind his desk. 

“And let me guess, I get to be the lucky person to get this ‘actor’ to sign on board,” I add feeling as if my head was about to explode.  What a fucking asshole.  He does this shit, gets people all hyped up, and then expects me to clean up his fucking mess.  To pull a miracle out of my ass.  I don’t get paid enough for this shit.  “Why this actor?” 

“This young man is already well known internationally, both with ads in Asia, and through this television show he is on.  He has been in a number of independent films, and television movies.  He is already known internationally, and would be a great asset to the team.”  So Vance wants some eye candy that the world already knows… okay so this company, and Mr. Jacobs wants some eye-candy who is already known.  I guess he hopes that people will buy the damn product if they like the actor… hell it’s worked before.  It’s not like I haven’t used that sort of thing in the past. 

“Fine… you need someone to get the kid, I’ll get the kid.  But I get him my way, on my schedule.  How much time is he giving us?” 

“Two months to deliver the best ad he has ever seen,” Vance informs me. 

“Okay...Give me four weeks, and I’ll have this actor eating out of our hands.  Then the rest of the time will be doing the ad itself.  Within a month and a half, we’ll have Mr. Jacobs’ ad,” I tell Vance as I move to make my way out of the office.  “Oh, I do this alone, with only people that I choose on the team… This is my deal, my account.  I expect a damn good bonus out of this.”  I open the door, and pause slightly.  “By the way, when I get back, I think we should have a refresher course on what a partner in a business really means.” 

* * * * * * * 

Cynthia and I land at glorious LAX, and we quickly head toward the hotel.  I make all the arrangements for the next day to meet up with this ‘actor’ for lunch at some expensive little restaurant.  I had Cynthia call the kid’s manager, and everything was set-up for two the next day.  I was a little surprised that it happened as quickly as it did, but I know that things are never this easy.  If it was this easy, then there would be no competition that Mr. Jacobs is so fond of.  He just loves a challenge, and he’ll ensure that things do not run as smoothly as they may appear at first. 

My life these past two years has been a rollercoaster ride.  I can’t even pin-point when it had all started, but I know that I am not the same person that I was just a couple of years ago.  When I had told Mikey that I was going on this trip and that I wasn’t sure when I would be back, he was obviously upset.  Of course he had also mentioned that all the guys out here should watch out, cause the ‘Stud of Liberty Ave’ is on new hunting grounds.  ‘At least you won’t have to worry about repeats,’ he had said.  A part of me was actually hurt at what he had said.  I mean come on, I’m thirty…. Thirty….fuck!  I’m thirty-one, there I fucking said it.  Anyway, maybe it’s time I slowed down a little bit, you know find something else to do besides fucking some nameless trick, and getting plastered.  Oh, now I’m not saying that I’m going to give it up completely, but things have changed for me… I have changed. 

Work of course is busier than ever and I have more responsibilities… I just don’t feel like going out every fucking night of the week and hang out with the guys. 

Fuck I’m getting old. 

Shaking my head to clear these thoughts, I pull out the file Cynthia had prepared on this young man who was the sole purpose of this trip and begin to look it over.  Looking at the profile of him, I first take notice of the list of movies, television shows, magazines, so on and so forth that he has been in.  The list is pretty impressive for a kid of nineteen.  I notice Cynthia’s little notes stating that he is well sought after by a lot of various companies, but more times than not he turns them down.  There is no real reason stated as to why, but I don’t see that as a real problem. 

The kid is openly gay in a place that being gay is not real highly looked upon.  He has been an advocate for equality in the workplace, and hate crime legislature.  Fuck, he’s just the perfect little queer isn’t he?  I don’t believe in hiding, but this kid is definitely taking things to the extreme. 

I continue to look through the file, and come across a picture of the young actor.  Suddenly, I freeze.  It can’t be…. 

* * * * * * * 

Cynthia and I are lead to an exclusive, private table in the back of the restaurant, and we wait for our guest to arrive.  I watch as a man in his early to mid-thirties makes his way over to our table and sits down.  “Eric Parker,” I ask. 

“That would be me.  Brian Kinney, correct,” the man asks me. 

“That’s me,” I state looking around the room for the last member of our party.  “So where is Mr. Taylor?” 

Eric gave a small smile, and looked down at the table.  I was almost beginning to dread the worst… the kid wasn’t going to show up.  This has to be the reason why Mr. Jacobs had chosen this for a test.  “Unfortunately, he is stuck at the studio.  However, he asked me to get whatever information that you may have on the project and he’ll be in contact with you in a couple of days.” 

I look over at the man before me, knowing I was getting the fucking blow-off.  I had to wonder if this jackass even told this kid about it, if I’m being played.  What is it about people who think that they can play games with me?  “You said he was going to be here.  So where is he?” 

The manager at least had the fucking decency to look sorry, not that it matters one fucking bit.  “I’m sorry.” 

“So am I.”  Once the jackass leaves I look right at Cynthia.  “I want to know everything.  Where he lives, works, parties… hell even what type of fucking underwear he wears, and I need it yesterday!”  I am too pissed to care if she is mad at me.  How dare some little fucking kid stand me up?  Studio… yeah, right. 

I’ll get him one way or the other.  If he won’t to meet me here, if he won’t come to me – well I’ll just have to go to hunt his ass down.  I’ve done worse to get an account.  This kid is not going to be my downfall.  I just know that Vance is just looking for a reason.  This kid won’t cause me to lose all the shit I’ve worked my life for – not with all the shit I’ve put up with to get here.  Fuck that. 

Before this was just an account… now it’s personal. 

No one stands me up. 

* * * * * * * 

Cynthia is good, I have to give her that.  Two days after my ill-fated meeting she had this kid’s whole life story… right down to his underwear.  There were 3 clubs that he frequents, so I head out there.  After the second one, when I’m about ready to leave for the night, I begin to wonder just how good this information really is.  I decide to take a shot and ask around.  I look at the bartender and just nod.  “What can I get ya?” 

“Beam,” I say.  The moment the drink is placed in front of me, I shake my head.  “Don’t you just fucking hate being stood up?  I mean, you set shit up and then once you get there and wait for fucking ever someone else shows up and tells you that the person you’re waiting on can’t make it.  I mean what is that shit?” 

The bartender just looks at me and smiles.  Shaking his head at me like he has heard this tale thousands of times before, and I guess he has.  “Welcome to LA, man.  It’s always something here.” 

“Yeah well, I thought he was different, you know,” I say lying through my teeth.  “I mean with those bright blue, fucking trusting eyes, and that damn smile.  Fuck, I fell for it hook, line and sinker.” 

The bartender looks at me in amazement so I say fuck it – keep it going, see what I can find out.  “He’s even got that blond hair that in the right light… he looks like an angel.  What a load of fucking crap.  Angel my ass.” 

I silently thank Cynthia for all of the pictures and descriptions that she could find on him.  That makes this lie so much easier.  Hey, what is a little lie anyway, right?  “Justin,” he asks me totally confused.  “That doesn’t sound like him.  I’m sure that if he said he was busy that he really was.  I mean if Justin says that he’ll do something… he’ll do it.” 

I look at him hopefully.  “Yeah well… when’s he normally here?  Friday night, right?  I think that’s what he said.”  Damn, *I* should be an actor. 

The bartender just gave me a sympathetic look, and I instantly cringe.  This isn’t going to be good news.  Why can’t this damn thing start to get easy?  “Normally yeah, but he told me last week that it’d be at least two weeks maybe three before he can come back in.  His schedule is so fucked up right now.  Sorry, man.” 

Damn!!!!  I can’t wait that long.  “Thanks, anyway,” I mumble.  It just keeps getting worse and fucking worse. 

“Hey, I’m sure if you call his friend… I mean assistant as we say, that he’ll call you right back.  You seem like the type of guy he’d fall for.  If he meant to meet with you… I’m sure he’ll be in touch.” 

“Yeah, I’m sure he will.”  FUCK! 

* * * * * * * 

Okay, so last night was a total waste of time – not my normal outcome but as I said, I didn’t get this far by giving up.  It’s just time for Plan B is all, but I’ll keep the ‘assistant’ thing ready in case I need to use it.  I haven’t been denied yet so why start now… right? 

Cynthia got us set up with some tour passes to watch some tapings as they happen.  She even found out that today was the day that his show was on the tour.  I’ll say it again - she is good.  We arrive at the studio and check-in with the guy she set this shit up with and we head out. 

I’ve never been one to really give a rat’s ass about this whole thing, or about actors so for me seeing what really goes on is enlightening.  We are lead through the ‘steps’ that these people go through in a day’s time. 

Cynthia is amazed and in awe… not that I blame her really – I find myself feeling almost the same way.  I mean, they have to arrive at the studio anywhere between 3 and 6 in the morning… fuck I’m just getting into bed around then most days.  Then they may not leave until sometime between 9 and 1.  And this is 4 to 5 days a week!!  You couldn’t pay me enough for that shit … and have your life an open book?  Hell no. 

“Alright, now for basically the ‘highlight’ of the tour,” our guide said as we stood outside a studio door where the red light above it was lit.  He was just a little too fucking happy for my tastes.  “Through this door is an actual taping of the show ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer’.  They’ve been on the set since around 4:30 this morning.”  Crazy fuckers… not me.  “Now when we go in through this door there will be some rules that all of you MUST follow.”  Great!  Cynthia just gives me a look and I roll my eyes.  Like I would do anything… 

“First off, since there will be special effects going off on the set or laying around the studio area, we must all stick together.  There will be no wondering off.”  Yeah, right.  Try and stop me.  “Anyone leaving the rest of the group will be immediately escorted off the premises and there will be security around us to ensure your safety.”  Fuck, why are all of my plans getting ruined lately?  Since when did people become so damn safety conscious… what’s the big deal?  “Secondly, absolutely no talking while they are filming.  If you cannot follow these rules you will be escorted off of the property.” 

Fuck, fuck, and triple fuck!  Why is this happening?  What did I do to deserve this shit?  “However, we’re lucky in the fact that we have arrived before their lunch break and you may have the chance to converse with some of the stars.”  Okay… so maybe I was wrong.  Maybe this could work out.  All I’ll need is just a couple of minutes with him, and this deal will be done.  “Okay let’s go.  Just remember what I told you before and everything will be great.” 

As we step into the large warehouse -- sorry ‘studio’ -- I first notice that the place is separated into small rooms.  They are all separated basically by some tall, wooden walls.  Off to the far end you can see some small rooms and on the other side of an open garage door you can see some trailers where I guess the actors spend their time when they’re not on the set. 

We slowly make our way to the large set that looks like the inside of an old mansion or something like that.  The furniture was elaborate – fine Italian – and there was a staircase heading up to the ceiling.  You can see a door on the side of the set and candles lit throughout the room. 

Suddenly we all heard screaming come from what would be the top of the stairs and some sort of chanting as well.  It was like a scene right out of some fucked-up horror flick, and I realize that is just what I was looking at.  This was real… well as real as anything in this town is. 

Out of the fucking blue, the door breaks apart scattering pieces throughout the room, and five people come through it, all with weapons of some sort.  I can see Cynthia out of the corner of my eye trying to catch her breath.  Okay, so I was a little surprised myself… I mean it WAS unexpected. 

I catch sight of the one I’ve been trying to see all week long.  Fuck, his pictures do NOT do him justice.  I feel as if he had just sucked the air right out of me.  I let my eyes travel his up his body.  He was wearing tight black jeans that were hugging his nice, firm bubble butt… man what I could do to that ass.  Shaking my head slightly, my eyes moved further up to see a dark, blue skin-tight t-shirt under his black leather jacket.  He had the most stunning blue eyes that I have ever seen, and his hair was blond, and not the type that is bleached either – his was all natural.  I wondered briefly if he was blond all over. 

He moved gracefully through the set, kicking some serious ass and I am in shock.  He moves like it’s the easiest thing in the world, like it’s nothing at all.  Fuck this kid is beautiful. 

I was a little shocked when I heard the director yell, “Cut!  Alright take an hour and a half or so then we’ll go through this again.  Great job guys.”  I shake my head, suddenly realizing that I had been sucked into this make-believe world and had actually been worried about their safety.  They are good. 

Shaking my head of all thoughts… well all thoughts that related to him – naked. 

Justin Taylor is fucking amazing.  I am quite impressed. 

* * * * * * * 

We make our way over to a small buffet table and Cynthia sets up beside me.  “Not at all what I expected.  He’s good,” she informs me like I haven’t already realized that for myself.  I watch Justin from across the small area laughing with some of the other actors.  He picks up a plate of food and makes his way over to one of the trailers.  A couple of minutes later he reappears laughing, and shaking his head as he closes the door. 

I notice the others on the tour were talking and moving around the actors, so I make my way over to where Justin was.  He is standing by one of the other actors, who I have no idea, since I have never watched this damn show – and I just stand off to the side and listen in.  Any information I can get on the kid – man – is an added bonus. 

”I just don’t understand it really,” I hear Justin say. 

“Maybe he feels like you’ve already helped him out enough.  Maybe he feels indebted to you already and doesn’t want to add to it,” the other man simply stated. 

I watch as Justin looked at the other man in irritation, and I find myself wanting to wipe that look off of his face.  This kid needs a good fuck to loosen up… he is definitely too wound up right now.  Of course I would gladly volunteer for the job.  Fuck I can’t be thinking that.  Didn’t I learn my lesson with the whole Kip incident… but then again, he doesn’t really work for me, now does he?  And I don’t know… but when I look at this young man, I feel something deep within me that I have only felt for a brief moment once before.  I didn’t understand it then, and I sure as hell don’t understand it now.  All I know is just looking at him, watching him, I feel myself harden.  He gently bumps into me, and smiles slightly.  “Sorry,” he says then turns back to his friend.  Hell, just touching his skin in that brief moment sent a shock throughout my entire body.  No one has ever been able to do that to me.  I have never wanted anyone as badly as I wanted this kid – man – before. 

I wonder what they’re talking about. 

“It doesn’t matter.  I’m not wanting or asking for anything in return.  He needed help, and he had no one.  I know what he was going through… at least in part.  I just don’t understand why he won’t let me help him out in this,” Justin sighed.  “I just don’t know what to do.” 

“Just talk to him… that’s all I can say.  I’m sure he has a good reason for saying no.” 

“I know.. I know,” Justin sighs.  I watch as the other man moves off, and I look up to see that Justin is looking right at me.  “Hey… look sorry about before.  I hope you didn’t have anything in your hands or anything when I bumped into you.” 

“Nah, hadn’t reached that far yet,” I say with a smile.  “But if I had I’d send you the cleaning bill.” 

I watch as Justin smiles brightly, and just seeing that smile makes my breath catch in my chest.  It was like the entire room was just bathed in light, and I felt myself smile in return.  “I’m sure you would.  I’m Justin by the way… but I’m sure you already know that,” he introduced himself rolling his eyes slightly. 

“Brian…Brian Kinney.  It’s nice to finally meet you,” I tell him honestly. 

“So,” Justin says standing close to me – so fucking close I can almost smell his shampoo.  “Been in LA long?” 

I shake my head and turn to face him slightly.  “Nope, I’ve only been in town a couple of days, so I haven’t had the chance to see much of this town yet.  Any suggestions?” 

“A few… depends on what you like,” he looks at me with his eyebrow raised a little. 

All I can think of is that I like what I see before me.  Not my usual type, but he would definitely do.  Hell, he most definitely would do.  “I don’t know… how about blond, sky blue eyes, hell of a smile,” I say to him in a hushed tone. 

Justin laughs lightly, and I feel my heart speed up at the sound of his laughter.  Oh yeah, I could handle him; I think I could enjoy spending time with this man.  “Are you trying to hit on me, Mr. Kinney?” 

“Please… call me Brian.  You say Mr. Kinney and I look for my ol’ man.  And I’m not that fucking old,” I joke only slightly.  Mr. Kinney… fuck!  “And what if I was?” 

Justin just shrugs, and turns to look over at the group surrounding the tables.  “I normally don’t date people I just met… especially ones who just show up for a fucking tour.  What makes you special?  What makes you any different from the hundreds who have tried before you,” he asks me turning to face me. 

I could get lost in those eyes… I have never seen eyes that actually pull you in as much as his do.  I feel like with just one look, with one touch, he could pull me right into him, and I wouldn’t even know what was happening until it was too late.  The scary thing is… I’m not sure that I would mind all that much.  “I’m not special, really… I’m just looking for a good time, is all.  Someone who can tell me where to find all the hot looking guys.  Come on, LA isn’t really queer central.  There are no real guide books telling you where to go if you’re gay… right?” 

“There is if you bother to look,” he informs me. 

“Yeah, but they would only give you some bullshit about what they are about, what they want you to think… I’d rather have first hand knowledge.  You seem to fit that bill… Hell, who knows,” I state leaning in a little bit more so that I am almost right by his ear.  “You might like it.  I promise that I’ll behave.” 

“And if I don’t want you to?” 

“I can handle that too.  So?  What do you say?  Dinner sometime,” I ask.  I know I need to get a foot in the door… this is my chance. 

Justin just looks over at me with a small smile.  “Maybe.  Give me your number, and I’ll see what I can come up with,” he tells me. 

Now it’s not like I actually think he’ll call me, because I highly doubt that he will.  Something tells me that I may have to come up with another plan to get him to meet up with me, but I hand over my phone number anyway.  “Not that I think you’ll call…” 

Justin looks at me with a very serious look on his face.  “I always do what I say I’m going to do.  I’ll call.” 

And I actually believe him. 

* * * * * * * 

It was two days later when I received the call from Justin.  I was beginning to think that he was going to blow me off, and I was about to pick up the phone and make some phone calls, when my cell rang.  He told me to meet him at this old dive downtown, and I began to wonder if I was really ready to do this.  The shit I do for the job… I hope that Vance appreciates it.  Yeah, that’ll be the fucking day. 

So around six I call a cab and make my way toward the little ‘dive’ for this… oh shit… no fucking way… I’m going on a date.  Nah, can’t be.  Fuck! 

* * * * * * * 

I sit down in a booth in the back of the little diner waiting for Justin to show.  He had called a couple of minutes ago to tell me that he had gotten stuck in traffic and would be here shortly.  It seemed like I knew the moment he walked in the room, as I felt the air around me heat up, and I found it hard to breathe.  Fuck, I have no idea what is going on.  Why is this kid making me feel these things?  What the fuck is this I’m even feeling? 

“Hey, sorry I’m late,” He says as he sits down across from me, putting a motorcycle helmet in the seat beside him.  The kid rides a motorcycle?  That is not what I pictured him taking around town, but I guess this is my chance to find out more about him.  To find out who he really is, not that shit that is in his bios. 

I look at him as I lean back against the booth trying to give off the air of ‘I don’t give a shit’.  “No problem.  Ready to order?” 

“Sure,” he answered.  We ordered and I look over at him, taking him in.  I will admit… reluctantly mind you… that this kid definitely does something for me.  Which I guess is scary in a way since he is not really my type.  I don’t know what it is about him, but I can almost feel my dick coming to attention just at the sight of him… especially since he has to wear those tight leather pants and tight shirt.  Fuck!  Stop fucking thinking about that Kinney.  “So what does Brian Kinney do for a living,” he asked me taking a drink out the Coke before him. 

“I get people to do things that they normally wouldn’t do,” I tell him with a smile on my face.  Hell, isn’t that what we do?  We tell people what they think they want, and make a lot of money doing it. 

“Doesn’t everyone?  Any good?” 

Now that is a loaded question if I EVER heard one.  “The fucking best,” I tell him, honestly.  And the thing is I knew I was.  There was no one better than me.  Some would call that arrogance, but I call it the truth. 

“Full of yourself aren’t you,” he smirked at me. 

“Only if it wasn’t true,” I inform him.  “So what made you go into acting?  You don’t really seem like the type who would choose this as a career.” 

Justin takes a deep breath, like I had just asked him the hardest question in the world.  I didn’t know what to make of it, but I decided to let him take the time he felt he needed.  “Honestly?”  I nod my head, letting him know I wanted to hear the truth.  “It was a fluke,” he said and I couldn’t help but laugh.  “No, I mean it.” 

“Okay, I have heard it all now.  You say that your becoming a international star is nothing but a fluke?  What game are you trying to play here,” I ask him.  “People would kill to be in your shoes.” 

I know a lot of people who would want to be him right now, and here he was acting like it was nothing.  I didn’t take him as the type of person who would think them self superior than everyone else, but now I’m beginning to wonder.  “It’s true.  I never fucking wanted to be an actor.  In fact I hate most actors,” he explains.  “Even as a kid, I never wanted to do this for a living.  It just happened that one day someone came up to me and told me they had the perfect job for me.  I needed the money and here I am.” 

“Just like that,” I ask. 

“Well not really, but that’s the basic version of it.  I was down and out… living out of my car, and someone asked me if I wanted to make a couple of bucks.  I needed to eat, so I said sure.  Next fucking thing I know, I’m in a commercial… the rest they say is history,” he adds as the waiter brings us our orders. 

Now my curiosity is piqued.  “If you didn’t want to be an actor, what did the great Justin Taylor want to be when he grew up?” 

“An artist,” he quietly tells me.  Okay that is not what I had thought he would say.  I’m not sure what I thought he would say, but that wasn’t it. 

“Why aren’t you,” I find myself asking him.  I feel the sense of dread in the pit of my stomach starting to form.  I don’t know why, but there is something about the ‘why’ that I knew I didn’t want to know. 

Justin sat there across from me, picking at the food in front of him, with a far off look on his face.  “I had dreams of going to Pittsburgh Institute of Fine Arts after high school, and becoming some famous artist.  I still may do that in the future, but I don’t know.  Art just doesn’t hold the same release that it used to … you know?”  I look at him from across the table, trying to calm my breathing.  There is something there… I don’t know what it is, but I just know it.  Part of me wants to run… just fucking run as far away from here as possible, and I don’t know why.  But the feeling is there. 

Despite my fears, I hear myself asking him the one question I never wanted to ask… and I find myself wanting to kick the shit out of myself.  Trust me, I would if I could.  “What happened?” 

Justin’s eyes immediately found mine, and the look in those blue eyes sent a shiver through me.  I don’t know what that look meant but I knew that I was about to be told something that I wouldn’t wish upon anyone.  “This kid in high school didn’t like the fact that I was gay,” he told me, and the coldness I was feeling continued to grow.  Please no… don’t tell me that it was you.  I don’t know if I could take that.  “So he decided to take care of the ‘problem’ himself with a bat.”  NO!  Fuck… this can’t be happening.  This fucking can’t.  “After I woke up, they told me that the motor functions on my right side were pretty much fucked.  It would take a long time for it to ‘work itself out’ if it ever did.  There are times still that my hand will shake so badly that I can’t hold a pen… so pretty much my career as an artist is over.  I’m sure in time it will get better, and I’ll be able to draw again, but until then…” he said with a shrug. 

The only thing I really heard was ‘bat’.  It can’t be can it?  I mean that was like … fuck almost three years ago.  “What happened,” I asked quietly, almost sure that I don’t want to know.  I don’t really want to know that this is the same Justin Taylor.  It can’t be, I mean he’s dead right?  He didn’t survive.  “Sorry, I’m sure that you wouldn’t want to talk about it with a complete stranger,” I rationalize.  Maybe it’s me who doesn’t want to talk about it.  I don’t know anymore.  This dinner has turned into something that I’m not sure how to handle. 

Justin only smiles at me.  “I don’t mind talking about it… but if I tell you all my secrets, then we won’t have anything to talk about if we do this again.  Right?” 

And part of me is grateful for his avoidance.  I am grateful that he isn’t telling me that he’s the same Justin Taylor who was bashed outside that theatre almost three years ago.  As I said… I’m not sure I really want to know.  “Of course.”  Once we finish eating, Justin begins to stand up and I follow suit.  “So,” I say not sure what would be the next move. 

“So.  Need a lift anywhere,” he asks sort of innocently.  It’s kind of cute the innocence that he has, the look that he has. 

“On your motorcycle,” I ask pulling out my wallet to pay for dinner.  Justin puts his hand on my arm and places a couple of twenties on the table.  I don’t know if I can describe the feeling I get from the simple act of his skin touching mine.  I know I can’t.  It’s almost as if, like when you were kids and touching a light socket… the little tingle that runs through your body… well it’s sort of like that I guess.  Granted as a kid I never had my groin want to get as much attention from anything as I want to get from this man in front of me… Hell, I’ve never had that in my life period. 

“Afraid,” he asks smiling the entire time.  He was trying to egg me on, and I knew that I’d take the bait. 

“Let’s go, Sunshine,” I tell him.  Now don’t ask me where I came up with that little nickname, but somehow it seemed to fit. 

We make our way out to his red and black, fast as hell motorcycle, and he hands me a helmet.  “Wouldn’t want you to get that head smashed in if we crash,” he jokes.  I climb on after him, and already I am beginning to think that this is a really bad idea.  I tell him where my hotel is and we begin to move through the traffic, with me holding on tightly to his waist.  Okay, I’ll admit riding like this, with only the outside air, nothing to protect you… was a little liberating.  Hell, it was giving me a fucking hard-on.  I never knew the freedom that you could get from riding one of these.  It made me feel like there was nothing else in the world except the two of us.  No Mikey, no Gus, no Lindsey, nothing… 

We pull up to the hotel and I step off.  “Wanna come up,” I ask.  Okay, that’s another first for me – asking.  Between being so damn close to him during that ride, and the fucking ride itself, I need some relief. 

“Maybe next time,” he says through a smile.  He takes off his helmet and leans in.  His lips touch mine lightly, and I feel the softness, the warmth … and it’s heading straight to my fucking groin.  I reach up and pull his head closer to mine, pushing my tongue into his mouth, trying to devour him, to take him.  Slowly he pulls away, flushed and smiling.  “Here’s my number… call me, we’ll do this again.”  Before I can say anything he puts his helmet back on and rides away. 

“You better fucking believe it, Sunshine.  You better believe it.” 

* * * * * * *   
End of Chapter One   
  

* * * * * * * 

Everything, All things = Omnia   
  

** Carpe diem **   
_Seize the day_

This Chapter 2 in the "EXPERIENTIA DOCET" series.   
Narrated by: Justin Taylor Featuring Brian Kinney, Cynthia Morgan, BTVS Cast Members, others   
Series Rated NC-17 and contains no warnings or spoilers.   
Summary:   
Disclaimer: no profit made… The Boys are not mine. No matter how much I’d love to have them… 

     * * * * * * * 

Okay, so I’ve had the worst fucking day of my life… well the worst in RECENT history, but here I am sitting in my loft downtown, happy.  Why am I happy when I just went 10 rounds with my mom on the phone?  I know, but I guess I don’t really want to admit it.  It’s all because of a man.  His name is Brian Kinney.  I haven’t really told anyone about the ‘date’ I went on with Brian, and it’s not like I’m ashamed, it’s just … it’s just that I don’t want to have anyone start asking me any questions that I’m not ready to answer.  I know that everyone wants me to find that certain someone, and find some happiness, and a lot of them seem to think that if I go on a date… which are few and far between mind you… that I have suddenly found ‘the one.’ 

I don’t know what Brian could end up being but for now, I am just enjoying being around him.  We’ve talked on the phone the past couple of days, and I actually find myself enjoying those moments.  We have talked about a lot of things… but nothing too personal, just life you know.  Just the little things like fashion, the latest happenings, shit like that.  It’s like talking to some of my best friends.  I feel like I’ve known him a long time, and in a way if I think about it hard enough, it scares the hell out of me.  I shouldn’t feel that close to someone I just met… at least not someone that I wouldn’t mind having a relationship with.  I don’t know what I thought when I was with him.  I know what the hell was going through my mind when I took him back to his hotel.  I almost took him up on his offer to go up to his room.  Almost. 

I guess I just don’t want a one-night stand.  I’ve had too many of those, and I don’t want that anymore.  If I am with someone, I want it to last; I want them to only want me.  Okay, now I’m not stupid enough to think that there can actually be monogamy, but as long as they always come home to me, always  with me when it counts, and with me in their heart and mind… that’s what I care about.  One-night stands are forgotten the next day… or a couple of days later.  I don’t want that.  I want more.  Maybe it because I know how short life can be.  Maybe it’s because I see so many relationships fail, that I want more.  I don’t know for sure.  But I know what I want.  What I need. 

“Hey,” I hear coming from the door.  I have two rooms in the loft, and I closed off one so that it can be it’s own apartment.  Well, it’s own apartment with an adjoining door between the loft and the room. 

“Hey, how’s it going?  Did you have a good night,” I ask. 

“Yeah.  It wasn’t too bad.”  Blake answered.  I had run into Blake over a year ago, and somehow I felt connected to him.  We have a lot in common.  He had just come from Pittsburgh – can we say that that city has a way of sucking people dry?  Anyway, he was in some trouble.  You know drugs and stuff.  He had told me that he had met this great guy, but he realized that all he would do is bring the guy pain.  So he had left without word, and without looking back.  He told me he wanted a fresh start and he couldn’t do that there in Pittsburgh.  So I got him into a rehab center and got him a job.  Blake has been clean for a year now and our friendship has grown.  I can tell him anything and I know that he can do the same with me. 

I have never really had any gay friends before, but I can say that Blake – for me – is heaven sent.  I have learned a lot from Blake, and I will be forever grateful for his friendship.  He’s one of the few people who has been in my life these past couple of years who HASN’T expected anything from me.  He does get upset if I try and do shit for him, but with everything that he has given me, I feel like he deserves it.  He’s let me be me, which is something that I haven’t had since I’ve been out here.  I can just be a kid.  Even with all of my other friends I still keep that adult attitude going.  With Blake, it’s different.  He lets me experience being a kid … something that was taken away from me almost three years ago.  I feel free, alive. 

I guess that’s why I made him my personal assistant. 

“So,” I begin pulling my legs up under me on the couch.  “Tell me all about it.  What was it like,” I ask full of excitement.  Tonight was Blake’s date with this guy who I think it a total hottie.  I sit there and listen to Blake tell me about his date, and I am almost envious.  But if anyone deserves to be happy it’s Blake, so I don’t feel too bad.  I only hope that one day I’ll find someone who I can have a connection to, someone who I can share things with.  Someone who I can share all the fun times that I had with him with my friends. 

* * * * * * * 

 “And cut,” the director yelled, as we all sighed in relief.  “That was great guys.  Work begins Monday at six sharp.”  The set had started at six this morning and we have all been working non-stop since then.  I am glad that it is an early night, okay so it’s already ten thirty, but that’s early for us.  This will give me a chance to do what I have been missing out on for the past week.  Thank God it’s Friday… I miss having a life.... 

“What ever happened to needing beauty sleep,” Nicholas asked as the group began to walk off the set toward their various destinations.  Nick is a great guy.  Of course I don’t think that there is anyone on this cast who I don’t like.  They are all funny, and have made me feel right at home… like I’m a part of their family.  This is my first season on the show, and I can say that I am scared shitless.  Okay, so I have done a couple of movie parts and stuff… but nothing to the extent of this.  Movies are easy… basically.  I mean you work your ass off for a couple of months at most then it’s over.  Yeah, you have to do the publicity shit, but you’re done for the most part with it.  But this…. Fuck this shit is unreal. 

Who would’ve ever thought that this country club, gay male from Pittsburgh would be a big time star?  Definitely not me… I mean I had dreams, and acting was the furthest from my mind.  I wanted to be an artist; I wanted to draw my way into …. into something.  But that dream was taken away from me… all of my dreams were taken from me.  Now all I have is my passable acting ability – don’t tell these guys that because they would laugh in my face saying that I’m a damn good actor – and my looks.  Trust me, if there is one thing that I have learned… I can have almost anyone that I want, fuck anyone I want to.  It’s simple really. 

“Yeah, and we all know you need it worse than anyone here,” I laughed at Nick as I made my way toward costume.  I have plans for tonight and no one is going to keep me here for long.  I actually find myself anxious to see Brian again.  I can only hope that he's free.  Okay, I am so fucked. 

There is something though, something that I have been thinking a lot about, and I know that it’s just totally fucked up.  The problem is that that I can almost believe all that shit about love and relationships, the idea of a soul mate, and think that it is just all some BS created by people like me – by actors… and Hallmark card writers.  I thought I had found my other half, but it all ended before I even found out who it was.  I can’t really explain it; hell I don’t even understand it. 

Okay here we go… 

Have you ever just walked down the street and felt something pull at you… like your heart, your very soul, was being pulled toward it’s other half.  I felt that one night, like my destiny awaited me… all I had to do was turn around.  Unfortunately, when I did turn around, all I saw was something coming toward me… Daphne’s screaming in my ear, and another voice calling out for me to watch out.  Then everything went black, I didn’t feel anything after that… and I never felt his presence again. 

With Brian… well I know I feel something toward him.  I don’t know what it is, but when I had kissed him goodnight I felt something.  I felt connected to him in some way.  Maybe that’s what scares me about him.  There is a part of me that wants to find that mystery person, because I know that he is the one that I am destined to be with… but Brian… well I could spend a long time with him.  At least I think I could.  Maybe once we get to know each other a little bit more, then I’ll know where he could fit into the future life of Justin Taylor. 

Once I reach my bike, I hear my cell ring so I pull it out of my jacket.  “Yeah,” I answer, knowing who it is, but deciding to make him sweat it out. 

“Is that how you always answer your phone,” he asks me, and I can almost see him roll his eyes at me.  Don’t ask me how I know that’s what he’s doing, but I can tell what he’s thinking when we’re talking on the phone.  It’s strange, the connection I feel toward him already. 

I hear him moving around his hotel room and I wonder what he is doing there, what his room looks like.  “Normally I just answer with ‘What?’  So I guess you’re lucky that I acknowledge you in a more civil manner.” 

“I guess I am,” he says with what I’m sure is a smile.  “So what are you doing tonight?”  Silently I was praying that he would want to go out with me.  I have been wanting – almost needing – to see him again.  Don’t ask me why, but I do.  Should I let him suffer a little longer, or should I actually grace him with an positive answer? 

“Nothing important.  I just got out of the studio, and I was planning on heading home and just lounge around.  Why?  You wanna come over,” I ask.  Okay, now there’s something I never thought I’d hear come out of my mouth.  I never invite men over to my place.  Well not normally anyway.  If I am going to have a quick fuck, I will take them anywhere but my place.  Blake is gone for the weekend, and a part of me is not really ready to be alone this weekend.  I’ve had a hell of a week, thanks to my mom, and all of those damn ad people hounding me, that I just want to have someone there who I can talk to.  Take comfort in. 

“You going to pick me up,” he asks me in a hushed voice that makes my heart beat wildly in my chest. 

“I’ll be there within a half hour.”  I close down my cell and hop on my bike.  It’s off to pick up my date…. 

* * * * * * *   
I lead Brian into the loft and shut the door.  “Want something to drink,” I ask after setting the alarm and making my way to the fridge.  “I didn’t get a chance to ask you how your project is going.”   We had talked over the past week about things, and all I really know about what he’s doing here in LA is that he’s here for business.  I don’t even ask what type of business he’s in, but then again, what does it really matter?  A lot of people come to LA for business, and I know that what he does has nothing to do with me.  All I know is that whatever it is has brought him to me, and I’m grateful for that. 

“It’s moving along,” he said quietly.  “Beer,” he asks me, so I grab out a beer and hand it to him.  Business discussion is over.  I can take a hint.  Brian doesn’t really like to talk about what he does for a living, and I can in part understand.  He’s a very secretive person and I guess that’s part of the reason why I find him so attractive.  In time, I’ll learn all there is to know about the mysterious Brian Kinney… but for now… well let’s just say it’s thrilling.  I don’t even want to think about the fact that one day he’ll have to leave LA, leave me.  I don’t want to think about what I’m doing and what I’m getting myself into by feeling something for this man.  He’ll leave, just like everyone else does.  That’s just the way of life I guess. 

I make my way over to the couch and watch as Brian moves throughout the loft.  “Nice place,” he says as he moves in beside me. 

“A lot better than living out of my car,” I laugh.  And it is. 

“What’s behind that door,” he asks me pointing to Blake’s apartment. 

I turn on the couch so that I’m facing him, my leg pulled up under me.  “This used to be a two bedroom loft, but I had this friend who was … well he needed a place to stay.  We both agreed that it would be better if he had his own place, but since he couldn’t afford it at the time I went a head and had that part closed off from the rest.  It’s now a small apartment, with it’s own bathroom and stuff.  We leave the door open most of the time except when we each want to be alone.”  Which I can say isn’t too often.  Blake and I often leave the adjourning door open so we can talk and stuff.  I don’t know what I’d do if our living arrangement was different.  He’s help me a lot more than I’ve helped him.  I owe Blake a lot, and letting him have his own place is just my way of saying thanks.  “I don’t really know what that did to the resale value of the place, but I can honestly say that I don’t care.  I don’t plan on leaving here for a long time.” 

“So is your friend here,” he asks me with this look in his eyes. 

God, he is so fucking hot.  “He’s away for the weekend.  We’ve got the whole place to ourselves.”  Did I really say we?  Okay Taylor, you are so fucked. 

We sit there for the next hour just talking, laughing… I feel so at ease with this man.  I don’t know what it is about him, but I feel like I can open up to him, let him in.  I shouldn’t feel that way, knowing that he will leave me, but I can’t help it.  I look down at my beer and notice that it’s empty.  “Want another beer,” I ask as I stand up and make my way toward the kitchen.  I feel him behind me, following me, and I try to calm my heart, stop it from beating out of my chest.  He places his hand on my shoulder, lightly running it up toward my neck.  Leaning my head forward to rest on the refrigerator, I let him move in behind me.  When I feel him press his body fully to mine, I turn around and bring his lips to mine.  I have wanted to kiss this man so badly since I had allowed that little taste back at his hotel a week ago.  I have craved the taste of him, dreamed of the taste of him. 

So I do the only thing that I can do.  I shut off my mind, open my heart and let instinct take over. 

Brian pulls me closer to him, devouring me, tasting me.  Moving his mouth from mine and traveling down toward my neck, biting, sucking, and licking his way down toward my collarbone, I can only moan in delight.  God, I have never felt this before, this much heat, this much passion.  But it’s not enough.  I need more.  Reaching for the top of his pants, I pull his shirt out from where it’s tucked in, and rip it off over his head.  Before he can continue his path, I lean in and begin to run my own mouth down his neck toward his nipples.  I take one of the buds in my mouth and lightly bite down on it.  Hearing his sharp intake of breath, I know that he enjoyed it, so I continue to attack his nipple with renewed fury.  Satisfied that the one had enough attention, I move toward the other one, ready to treat it with the same experience.  Brian, I guess, had other plans since I feel his hands tighten on my arms pulling me up to face him again. 

Mouth upon mouth … lips upon lips… tongues dueling for superiority.  In a matter of seconds clothes were shed, ripped from our bodies in the need to feel each other without the barriers.  I don’t even remember making our way to the couch, all I know is that his hard lean body is above me, ready to own me.  I watch as he moves down my body, marking me with his lips, his tongue.  He nears my cock and slowly, painfully takes the tip into his mouth.  I have to fight NOT to cry out as he runs his tongue over the slit, tasting the pre-cum that had leaked out.  I watch as the most beautiful hazel eyes look up at me, as he begins to take all of me into his mouth.  “Fuck,” is all I can get out. 

He begins to run one hand up my chest to play with the nipple ring I got a couple of years ago, while he moves the other to cup my balls, lightly squeezing them.  I cry out as I feel one of his fingers run across my hole, slowly pressing through the first ring.  I can feel my balls start to tighten and my stomach clench… “Oh God,” I moan as I let myself go, shooting my cum down his throat. 

Brian licked his lips after sucking me dry and moved back up my body.  I grabbed a handful of his silky locks and pulled his lips down to mine.  Tasting myself on his lips, I push my tongue into his mouth relishing the feel of him.  I feel myself harden as he rubs his body against mine.  Needing more, I reach over to a drawer in the table beside me and pull out a condom and lube.  “Please… I need you inside me,” I beg him.  Brian pulls the lube out of my hand and kisses me hard.  He puts some lube on his finger, warms it up a little, and inserts two fingers deep within me.  I can feel him probing me, touching deep within me, but it’s not enough… never enough.  I reach for him after I rip open the condom packet, and slide it on his hard cock.  I continue to run my hand up and down his hard shaft. 

Brian reaches for my legs and places them on his shoulders.  I brace myself as he places himself at my opening. Slowly he pushes himself in, and I can feel him stretching me… fuck he’s so fucking huge.  He pauses when he’s fully in, allowing me to adjust to his size.  I pull him down for a kiss, giving him the signal that I was ready for him.  Brian begins to move, pulling almost all the way out and slamming back in.  I can feel him brush against my prostate with each thrust, and I bite down on his neck to keep from screaming out.  His movements quicken as he reaches between our bodies to grab a hold of my cock and run his closed fist up and down it in time to his movements. 

Not able to take anymore of this sweet torture, I cry out, and shoot between our bodies.  Brian pushes in a couple more times before he too succumbs to release, and collapses on top of me.  Our lips find each other again seeking comfort in the afterglow.  No words need to be said… no words can be said… 

It’s just pure euphoria…   
  

* * * * * * * 

The entire weekend with Brian was… dare I say awesome?  I have never met anyone who I felt this close to before, who I want to do all of this stuff for.  And it was more than just sex with us – okay so it was mostly sex… all weekend long, but it was also the quiet moments.  We would sit on the couch in each other’s arms and playfully argue over some stupid shit on the TV, or sit around at the table and discuss the finer points of food… no carbs after seven. 

Unfortunately, the real world had to step in and I said goodbye to him as I headed off to work.  We had made plans to go out to diner later on in the week, so I can only dream about my future engagement with him… Okay so engagement maybe a strong word, but you can’t blame me can you?  I know he’s leaving me… I’m not dumb, but can’t I just for a couple of minutes a day wish that all my dreams could come true?  Can’t I wish for just a little while that I have finally found the man I could spend the rest of my life with?  I mean, come on…everyone has dreams.  Why can’t I? 

I did get a call from Eric however… he wants me to meet up with some ad guy about a commercial he wants me to do.  I really don’t want to do anything like that right now.  I have enough on my plate – too much in fact.  I just finished a damn movie before the show started filming so I still have the promo shit to do with that.  I’m here at the studio the majority of the time. When can I have time to myself?  It’s times like now that I wish I had never taken that guy up on his offer.  That I had just stayed where I was… still dreaming my dreams. 

But I reluctantly agree to meet with the guy today around three.  I’m not scheduled during that time, so I am going to meet Eric at the guy’s office in downtown LA.  I mean, I’ll hear him out.  It doesn’t mean I’ll do it though. 

* * * * * * * 

As I pull up to the parking lot, I immediately spot Eric standing there waiting for me.  I know I’m late, but what the hell did he expect?  He’s my fucking manager for Christ sakes.  He knows my schedule almost better than I do… hell, Blake knows my schedule better than I do.  I’m just there.  “Come on, they’re waiting for us,” Eric states, and I follow him into the building. 

We take the elevator up to the fifteenth floor and follow a hallway toward a back office.  This place is nice… a lot nicer than some of the places I have seen over the years.  I spot a large ‘Vanguard Advertising’ sign on the wall, and I take quick note of the color scheme of the place.  They do know how to put people at ease, I’ll give them that. 

At the end of the hall we reach a desk with a slender woman behind it.  Her desk plate reads ‘Cynthia Morgan’ and I look up into her bright shiny eyes.  I can tell she has a caring soul, and I smile at her briefly.  “Go on in.  He’s waiting on you,” she states as we walk toward the office door. 

Upon stepping into the room, I get a strange feeling in my gut.  I take quick note to the fact that the walls a barren, and I know that this person may be using this office temporarily.  My eyes continue to sweep the room … stopping on the man behind the desk. 

FUCK!  No fucking way… 

That asshole! 

I try to calm my temper, the anger that is burning deep within me at the sight of Brian Kinney sitting behind the desk before us.  It was hard to breathe.  It felt as if the room temperature went up a hundred degrees.  That little fucking asshole. 

I don’t say anything as I move in to sit in the chair across from his desk, but I certainly hope he can read the disgust in my eyes… I hope he knows that this weekend was the LAST time he will EVER touch me.  He can certainly forget about dinner this week… God, I am so pissed right now. 

I don’t even listen as he gives his spiel, I don’t care.  If he thinks that I’m going to do this… for his fucking company now after what he’s done… He can think again.  Once he finishes, Eric looks at me hopeful.  “I don’t think so.  I wouldn’t be caught dead doing anything for that fucking city, or for Vanguard.  So you can forget it.”  I stand up and leave the office.  I can no longer stand to be in the same room with him.  I feel Brian come up behind me, and I try not to turn around.  I’m almost afraid of what I’ll do.  “Don’t think about it Brian.  Don’t even fucking think about it.” 

Brian grabs a hold of my arm, and I pull away from his suddenly.  “Justin… listen.  I know that this looks bad…” 

“Looks bad?  Looks BAD?!!  YOU’RE DAMN RIGHT IT LOOKS BAD.”  I yell.  I don’t care who is listening.  I don’t fucking care anymore.  I want him to suffer like I am.  That fucking asshole.  I lean in closer to him so that he can hear what I have to say.  “So now you fuck your clients, hoping that they’ll be some swoony little school girls and fall all over you?  Is that it?  You think that just because we fucked that now I’ll just hop right into this deal with you?”  I pull back once again after whispering that so only he could hear.  “Well listen here, Brian Kinney,” I say louder in a normal voice.  “Fuck you.” 

“Justin just hear me out… please,” he pleads. 

Yeah fucking right.  “I don’t think so, Brian.  Don’t call me, don’t talk to me, don’t fucking come near me again.  You disgust me,” I tell him as I enter the now open elevator.  “I mean it Brian.  Don’t ever try to contact me again.” 

After a morning of pure bliss, of living in my dream world… I find myself shattered. 

Once again, my dreams are shattered in a million pieces.  Only this time I have no one to blame but myself. 

* * * * * * * 

End of Chapter Two 

Dum spiro, spero   
  
_While I breathe, I hope_

This Chapter 3 in the "EXPERIENTIA DOCET" series.   
Narrated by: Brian Kinney Featuring Justin Taylor, Cynthia Morgan, BTVS Cast Members, Blake, and others   
Series Rated NC-17 and contains no warnings or spoilers.   
Summary: Brian reflects on the events of Chapter two, and makes some hard decisions.  August 2002   
Disclaimer: no profit made… The Boys are not mine. No matter how much I’d love to have them… 

     * * * * * * * 

If anyone asks me days from now what I remember of this meeting, it’ll be the look in Justin’s eyes.  If looks could kill…I’d fucking be dead.  I know that he’s pissed, and I know that maybe I should’ve told him… but this is business, nothing more nothing less.  It has nothing to do with what happened between us this weekend.  Nothing at all.  But the look on his face said it all.  He was not impressed.  I definitely got the clue when he stood up, looked me right in the eye and said, “I don’t think so.  I wouldn’t be caught dead doing anything for that fucking city, or for Vanguard.  So you can forget it.” 

I watch him as he heads out of the room, and Eric looks at me like he’s sorry that this happened.  He doesn’t know what’s going on… well I do, and I’ve got to try and stop Justin before this shit gets too out of hand… okay more than it is already.  I stand up and run down the hall spotting him at the elevators.  By the time I reach him, however, he’s already shut down on me.  “Don’t think about it Brian.  Don’t even fucking think about it.” 

I reach out to grab a hold of his arm, hoping to explain… fuck ... **me** explain.  Explain what?  This is business… I’m not sorry that he’s here… that our weekend together was …. Well it was fun.  What did I want to say to him?  “Justin… listen.  I know that this looks bad…”  Yeah good one, Kinney… why don’t you peddle that shit elsewhere. 

Justin turns to face me and gets this look of total disgust on his face.  “Looks bad?  Looks BAD?!!  YOU’RE DAMN RIGHT IT LOOKS BAD.”  I try to get him to calm down… I need him to calm down… to think this through rationally.  He’s fucking causing a scene right now, and that’s the last thing either one of us needs.  He leans in close to me, and I try to stop the sudden urge to pull him close to me.  Any thought of that is shot down by his words whispered in my ear.  “So now you fuck your clients, hoping that they’ll be some swoony little school girls, and fall all over you?  Is that it?  You think that just because we fucked that now I’ll just hop right into this deal with you?”  Fuck!  How the hell do I fix this?  He pulls back again and looks at me.  “Well listen here, Brian Kinney, fuck you.” 

Justin presses the button for the elevator, and I know that I’m rapidly losing it here.  “Justin just hear me out… please,” I plead.  Hell, I’m man enough to know when I fucked up… and I fucked this shit up bad.  If only he’ll hear me out, maybe I can fix this. 

“I don’t think so, Brian.  Don’t call me, don’t talk to me, don’t fucking come near me again.  You disgust me.  I mean it Brian.  Don’t ever try to contact me again.”  With that he’s gone, into the elevator and out of my life.  FUCK!  How the hell do I explain to Vance that I didn’t get the fucking account because I fucked the only person that the client wanted?  How do I pull a rabbit out of my hat on this one?  How the hell do I fix this?  Fuck! 

* * * * * * * 

I lay awake on the bed in my hotel room, and think.  That’s all I can do, really.  I have to try and find a way to fix this.  But the main question is… what exactly do I want to fix?  Do I want to fix this thing with Justin and keep him around, to have what we had this past weekend?  Or do I want to fix it enough so that Justin will work on the account under Vanguard?  Can I have both?  All I know right now, is that it’s going to take a lot of work and planning to get back in somewhat good graces with Justin.  And I’m not even sure what it is I want out of it. 

All I have is the small glimpse into his life that I had the honor of seeing during the weekend… hell, during the week we had known each other.  I can’t help but think of what it was like… just being with him.   
  

_ “Brian,” he asks me from the kitchen.  I make my way out of the bedroom to stand behind him.  Placing my arms around his lean frame, I pull him closer to me.  For some reason, I can’t get enough of this kid.  “You hungry?” _

_ I lean in and place a light kiss on his neck, and begin to trace a line down to his collarbone, while my hands begin to move down toward his hips.  “Yeah,” I breathe against his ear before returning to the task at hand. _

_ “I meant for food,” Justin laughs, but I can tell that he’s enjoying what I’m doing to him.  Just being around him, seeing him, touching him, listening to him; has me almost in a constant state of arousal.  No one has ever kept my interest this long, but somehow this kid, this young man is doing just that.  I don’t know really when I had decided that I wanted to stay, that I wanted to be with him for a long time, but sometime during that first day it had hit me.  I didn’t want this to end.  I didn’t want to leave.  I briefly wonder if this is what Mikey and the others felt when they were with someone.  I don’t know… I’ve never felt this way before, and it’s scaring the hell out of me.  All I know is that I’m going to make the most out of the time I have here… as long as he’ll have me. _

_ I reach my hand around and begin to stroke his growing erection.  “It wasn’t food I was thinking about.”  And it sure as hell wasn’t.  Justin leans his head back on my shoulder as I continue to stroke him, pressing my own erection against his lower back.  “Tell me what you want.  Tell me,” I whisper. _

_ “Fuck me, Brian.  Fuck me hard,” he answers.  And I am more than happy to oblige.  I push him forward so he is leaning against the refrigerator, allowing his ass to be placed at just the right angle for me. _

_ I reach over to where I had placed the supplies and begin to prepare the both of us.  “You want me to fuck you, Justin?  Ride your ass?  Slam into you until you beg me for release,” I ask him, my voice thick with desire – with need.  And yes, I need him.  I don’t understand it… I don’t know if I want to, but I need this maybe more than Justin does. _

_ “Yes… fuck me Brian… please,” he begs.  God, I have never wanted anyone the way I want Justin.  Never have I spent this long with someone… done as much with anyone as I had with him.  What is it about this man that is making me break all of my rules?  What is it about Justin that I cannot resist?  Pushing those thoughts out of my head for the time being – those are thoughts better left to think about when I’m alone not ready to be inside the beautiful blond before me.  I ease my way into him, pulling him back against me the entire time.  “Oh God,” he hisses, and I find myself feeling the same way.  He feels so fucking good, so hot.  His taste… the feel of his skin… everything about him… I just can’t get enough. _

_ Slowly, ever so fucking slowly, I begin to pull out right to the tip, then slam back in.  “Fuck,” I hiss out myself.  The way he feels around me, the way we fit together is just perfect.  He knows what to do, what I want without me even asking.  It’s like we’ve known each other for years instead of a week.  I don’t know how he does it, but it sends a signal straight to my cock… and to another part of my body that I’m DEFINTELY not ready to acknowledge.  He squeezes himself around me, and I have to try and remember to breathe as I continue to pump in and out of him.  I can feel myself getting close, so I lean into him, and begin to kiss the back of his neck.  Reaching around him, I grab his hard shaft and being to jerk him off. _

_ I can feel him tighten around me even more, while he erupts in my hand.  My own explosion bursting into the condom tip, filling it with my cum.  Suddenly, irrationally really, I need to taste him, feel his lips on my own.  Pulling out, I turn him around and crush his lips to mine, devouring him.  I want to stay like that forever.  I want to be here with him, in this moment forever.  I need to be here with him. _

  
I wake up from the dream…memory really, and sigh.  Fuck!  I know that I had just spent a fucking load on that damn memory.  I remember what it felt like to be inside him, to hold him.  I need to feel that again.  I remember wondering why I was feeling that way that night.  I pushed it aside for later analysis, and maybe now is as good a time as any to try and figure out what in the world all of this means. 

I know that Justin is incredibly sexy… but the thing that gets me is that he’s not my usual type.  I normally don’t go for guys like him.  So why in the hell did I do it?  Why did I keep coming back? 

I have never believed in love… never thought that it was for any gay man.  It’s just some stupid shit that sells those damn Hallmark cards.  But there’s something about Justin Taylor…  Something about him that makes me want to be with him.  I enjoyed the time we spent together… even the time we weren’t fucking.  Here was a man who I could talk to… really talk to, about the unimportant shit.  We talked about everything from politics, religions, the latest fucking fashion trend, to the latest books.  I think of my so-called friends and I can’t remember a time that I was able to do that with any of them.  Yeah, we have fun, but it almost always means going to Babylon or Woody’s.  But with Justin… I don’t know.  It’s just different. 

I never wanted to get to know a trick, never wanted to open up to a trick.  It has always been just fuck and get out.  But something about him… Something about him makes my breath catch, and my heart beat faster.  I actually – dare I say – feel complete and safe in his arms.  I can honestly say that I slept better that weekend than I had in my entire life… well not including the drug induced slumbers.  And if I could put it off on drugs, or alcohol I would, but we never touched the stuff all weekend. 

So what was it about him that made me feel so safe… so … cared for? 

Dare I fucking say, so … so loved?   
  

* * * * * * * 

Here I am fucking sitting in my office in LA, still trying to come up with some way to fix this shit.  Trying to come up with some way to get Justin to do this damn ad for us.  Hoping beyond hope that maybe I can just get him to fucking talk to me again.  “Mr. Kinney, Mr. Taylor’s personal assistant is here to see you,” Cynthia informs me. 

Maybe I’ll have my chance to get some idea on how to continue with this… how to fix this.  “Let him in,” I tell her.  The door opens as I turn to put away the file I was looking at.  “Please sit down,” I begin.  I look up at the Justin’s assistant, and fucking freeze in my spot.  “What the fuck are you doing here?” 

Blake… as in ‘Ted’s Blake’, the fucking drug addict who had almost killed Ted… that Blake.  “As your assistant told you, I’m Mr. Taylor’s personal assistant, and I think we need to have a talk.  Don’t you?” he says as he sits down in the chair in front of me. 

I lean back in my chair and look right at him.  “And what in the world would you have to talk to me about?  And for that matter what the hell are you doing here?  Ran out of dealers in Pittsburgh?” 

I expected him to get defensive, and I was mildly surprised when he just looked at me unfazed.  “Not that it matters a damn bit, but I’ve been clean for a year now… thanks to Justin.”  That last little bit does surprise me.  I didn’t know that the two men had known each other, and I sure as hell didn’t understand why Justin would help Blake out.  I keep my mask in place – thank God – as I continue to wait for him to get to why he’s here.   “In fact, I’m Justin’s roommate.  I’m the one who wasn’t there this past weekend… I’m the one who he cried to last night.  I only wish he had told me about you before, so that I could’ve warned him… maybe saved him some fucking grief.  But that’s in the past isn’t it?  The fact of the matter is… he is hurt, and you’re the reason why.” 

“So what… you’ve come to protect Justin’s honor?  What a load of crap.  Like you have any virtue.  Fuck… get the hell out of my office,” I tell him.  I don’t need this drug addict to tell me where the fuck I went wrong.  And now I find out that he’s living with Justin.  Any chance that I had to fix this shit just flew out the window with Blake’s appearance.  I can just imagine what he’s telling Justin about me. 

“I don’t care what you think of me, Brian,” Blake tells me.  Yeah right.  He doesn’t care?  I don’t buy it, but I’ll listen to what he has to say… at least for another minute or so.  “What you should be thinking about is how you are going to fix things between Justin and yourself.” 

“Why would you care,” I ask, honestly intrigued. 

Blake stood from the chair and walked over to the window so he could look out over the city skyline.  “Justin doesn’t know I’m here.  But I can tell you that he was beginning to have some sort of feelings for you.  He’s never been one to go half-way in something.  With Justin it’s all or nothing.”  Blake takes a deep breath and I watch as he looks down at his hands.  “And for some strange reason he wants you.” 

I have to laugh at that.  Here is Blake – a guy whom I never really paid any attention to – telling me a bunch of shit that he has no idea about.  “Some strange reason?  What the fuck are you talking about?” 

Blake still didn’t look at me, only continued to stare out the window.  “I remember hearing from Ted, a story about how you had saved some kid… well tried to anyway.  This kid was attacked in a garage near this movie theatre.  Of course this wasn’t well known, and Ted had only found out by accident.  But it amazed me that you could do something like that.”  Just hearing Blake describe that night all those years ago, brings a sharp pain to my chest.  I had worked hard to forget that night, forget what had happened, and now this little fucking asshole wants to bring it all back up.  “I didn’t think anything of it again until about a year ago,” he continues interrupting anything that I might have said. 

“What the fuck are you talking about,” I ask him through clenched teeth. 

“When I had meet Justin, and after I had moved in with him… I asked him one night why he had left his home.  I mean he came from a good family, a good neighborhood; he had everything that I could’ve ever asked for.  Imagine my surprise when he told me about a night that had changed his life forever.  A night about three years ago, when some kid attacked him with a baseball bat outside of a movie theatre in Pittsburgh.” 

Suddenly hearing Blake confirm the very fear, the very thought that I’ve been having since I meet Justin, frightens me.  I remember Justin telling me about something that had happened to him, but he didn’t go into detail.  I guess a part of me prayed that it wasn’t him… didn’t want to believe that this was the same person.  But now, my fears have been confirmed.  Justin is the same kid that I saw walking down the street with his friend.  He is the same kid who I saw get a bat to the head… the same one whose blood I was covered in.  Fuck!  “I didn’t know,” I whispered. 

Justin had told me this past weekend about a time he thought he had found his soul mate… and everything that he had described I had felt once before for a brief moment.  A moment that had been taken away from me by a homophobic asshole with a bat. 

“I just want to know something… if you had a chance to make things right between the two of you… would you?  Do you care about him at all?” 

I sit there, still in shock, trying to think of an answer.  I don’t know what to say… what to do.  “Yes, I want to make things right,” I tell him, answering the first question.  I reach up and run my hand down my face, trying to think.  I need to answer him honestly, but I don’t know what the hell is going on.  How can I answer him, if I don’t know?  “I care about him,” I tell him.  “And maybe there could be something more… I don’t know.  I’ve never felt this way before,” I say honestly.  I just don’t know what to think about what I was feeling… what I am feeling.  How can you answer a question like that when you don’t know what that feeling really is, what it means? 

“Good,” Blake states as me moves from the window and toward the door.  “If you mean that, if you really want to try… I’ll help you.  Just don’t make me regret it.” 

I look up at Blake, standing by the door, and shrug.  “So what do I do?” 

“I’ll be in touch,” Blake told me with a small smile on his lips.  “All I ask is that you’ll try… and don’t hurt him again.  I can tell you that if there is one thing that Justin hates, its liars.” 

“Blake…thanks,” I tell him as he opens the door and walks out of my office.  I know he’ll keep his word… that he’ll contact me.  Something about the way he said it makes me believe. 

* * * * * * *   
  

_ ‘What a fucking joke!  Trying to act all fucking big and bad…. What a fucking low ass bottom if I ever did see.’  Okay so tonight’s tick wasn’t the greatest in the world… hell he wasn’t even close to being in the top 80%… I must have really been desperate.  I hate it when I think that I might actually get some satisfaction out of this shit… _

_ Is this what my life was supposed to have been like?  Don’t fucking think about it… stop that shit right now.  Why is it that I always get fucking sentimental on my birthday… it’s just any other day?  Any other day for Jack to take out the bottle… drink a few… and take his worthlessness out on me.  Yeah… Happy Fucking Birthday to me. _

_ As I walk down the street I pull out a cigarette and take a deep breath.  I need to go back to Babylon and find someone that’s worth someone.  I feel something course through me, and I have no idea what it is.  When I look up to where I get the feeling from I spot two kids, two teens walking down the street toward me, laughing.  I shake my head and continue down the sidewalk toward my car.  I see the two kids enter the parking garage close to the theatre -- where I had parked my jeep.  I can still see them as I enter the garage myself, and I silently take note that the strange feeling I had earlier is still there.  Out of the corner of my eye I catch sight of something moving around in the shadows.  I look back toward the teens, and watch as the boy pauses in his walk.  He starts to turn toward me, and another feeling creeps into my body…”Look out,” I cry. _

_ But it’s too late.  I spot that the shadow had already crept up behind the boy, and swung something toward his head.  The sound of something hitting the kid’s head echoed though the place.  I ran as quickly as I could, hearing the screams of his friend, the curses of the man with the object still in his hands, ready to strike again.  I reach them just as the man takes another swing toward the young teen laying on the ground.  I barely make it in time to push the man to the ground, sending the object flying away from his hands.  Picking it up, I smash him in the knee, sending him flying toward the ground crying out in pain. _

_ I turn to the teen on the ground… blood pouring out of the side of his head.  “Call 911,” I tell the girl handing her my cell phone, as I bend down to try and see if the kid was even alive.  Finding a pulse, I reach in my pocket for something to stop the flow of blood.  “Why,” I ask, pulling the young man closer to me hoping to keep him warm. _

_ The girl looks over at the other man, who was still on the floor holding his injured knee.  “He hates the fact that Justin’s gay.  He’s been picking on him all year… I didn’t think… Is he going to be okay?” _

_ Justin’s gay… he was attacked because he was gay… I’ve heard the stories... but I didn’t think that it would happen like this.  I never thought I would see something like this before.  I pull the kid closer to me, willing the blood to stop, willing him to wake up.  “Just hold on… Everything is going to be alright… I promise… You just hold on.” _

  
Bolting upright in bed, I try to banish the picture of Justin’s head snapping back as the bat connected with his skull.  I tried to think of anything besides the blood that flowed out of his body, and pooled onto the cold cement below him. 

I had followed them to the hospital… wanting to make sure that he was alright, that he would survive.  Days, weeks, months, I would call the hospital hoping to get some news on the kid’s condition.  I went so far as to go to the asshole’s trial… what a fucking joke.  Because the kid was a minor, and the judge was another homophobic asshole, the kid walked away with basically nothing, while Justin lay in that hospital bed, doing therapy, trying to get back to his old self. 

As time went on I lost contact with the kid… I didn’t know what happened to him.  I had tried to find out… going so far as to hire private detectives, but nothing seemed to work.  It had seemed like Justin had just disappeared off the face of the earth. 

So now… years later, I find him again.  That fleeting feeling I had when I had first seen him all those years ago was still there, only stronger now.  I wonder briefly if this is all some cosmic joke… is this fate playing a game on me?  Or was this meant to be? 

I don’t know, but I want to find out.  I need to find out.  There is something about Justin that makes me think… makes me look at things differently.  He had unknowingly changed my life that night almost three years ago.  It was because of what I had witnessed that I was actually able to be a father to Gus.  I couldn’t let something like that happen to my son.  Justin helped make me who I am today…and he doesn’t even know it.  Hell, I didn’t even know it until tonight… at least I didn’t want to admit it. 

The signs were all there.  The small things I would pick up in our conversations, the little things in his bio that I had skimmed over… the signs were all there.  I just didn’t want to admit that this beautiful blond young man was the same one I held in my arms willing him to live. 

* * * * * * * 

About 3 days later I get the call, telling me to be at this club downtown at 11 p.m.  Of course I know that I have to be nice to Blake, because the only way that I will get back with Justin, even if it is just to talk, will be through him.  If I piss him off… I can forget it.  So I guess it’s play nice with Blake. 

I just hope that this doesn’t make it back to the boys… my reputation will fucking be shot.  But sometimes you have to throw caution to the wind.  It’s time to bite the bullet, and admit I was an ass.  I know I was.  I should’ve been upfront with him to begin with.  But Blake told me I had to fix it, and that’s what I plan on doing. 

As I walk in the club a little before 11, I spot Justin standing at the bar nursing a beer.  I walk up to him, and order myself one as well.  “Hey,” I say to him. 

Justin shakes his head and turns to look out over the crowd.  “What the fuck are you doing here?” 

“What, can’t I get a drink anymore?”  I grab my beer and turn so that I too am facing out toward the crowd.  “Look, Justin…” 

“Don’t,” he begins, looking me in the eye.  “Whatever you have to say, just don’t.  I don’t want to hear your shit anymore.” 

“Listen, just hear me out, okay.  Let me explain.  Then if you don’t want to see or hear from me again, then fine… I’ll leave you alone.  All I ask is that you listen.”  Justin looks reluctant to do it, so I try one more time.  “It’ll only take a little while, then as I said… if you say the word, I’ll leave you alone.” 

Justin nods his head and points to the door.  I follow him out of the bar, and down the street to a small park.  In a way I’m glad that there won’t be a million and one people listening in when I say my peace.  I have never been this nervous with anyone before… like what I say will have this much of an impact on my future, and possible future happiness.  It scares the shit out of me.  But I do know that Justin is like no one else I have ever been with.  He is in his own class, and I want to know him… I want to get to know him.  Why, I have absolutely no clue. 

“Okay… so talk,” Justin states as we reach the park.  He sits down on a small bench, and looks up at me.  Waiting. 

I know that I have to try and put myself on an equal level with him, if this is ever going to work.  So I sit down next to him on the bench and turn to face him.  “Damn… I didn’t think that I would get this far.” 

“You almost didn’t.” 

And I know that he’s right.  But I have to finish this… I have to try.  “Okay… I know I was an ass,” I begin.  Yeah, great way to fucking start. 

“You can say that again.” 

Ouch!  That hurt.  “And I didn’t mean to lie to you.  I just… It’s just that… Fuck!”  Dammit Kinney, get your head out of your ass, and just say what you want to say.  “At first, yes, I came up to you so that maybe I could get you to do this deal.”  Justin only gets a knowing look on his face, and I cringe internally at the knowledge that I had used him at first.  “But that was ONLY at first.  We stated talking, and things… I don’t know… they changed for me.  I didn’t care about that shit anymore.  I have never met anyone like you, and I had never had such a ….an adult conversation for that long with anyone before.  It was… nice.” 

“Yeah, it was,” Justin says turning to look out over the park. 

“And then this past weekend… It was totally amazing.  Never in my life had I felt what I felt then.  I felt at peace,” I tell him.  And as God is my witness, it’s the truth.  Justin gave me that feeling.  “When you left on Monday… I felt like shit.”  Justin smiled slightly, and I wanted to smack the back of his head.  Smart-ass. 

“Well you should have.  I don’t like liars, Brian.  I don’t like to be used,” he informed me.  And I know he’s right.  I hate them too… so why did I do it?  I’ll never really know. 

Those words slam into me, making me realize that I have to tell him… I have to let him know.  If I don’t tell him that I was there that night, then I may never get the chance again.  I may never get the second chance I want with him, the chance to show him that we can possibly make things work.  “I know… which is why… I guess…”  I try to get the words out, but they are stuck in my throat.  For some reason, they have been stuck there for a long time, and now when I need them … they fucking take a hike.  “I was there,” is all I can get out. 

Justin turns to me, eyes wide.  “What?” 

I take a deep breath and turn to look anywhere but him.  I can’t do this looking at the man before me… I don’t want to have the two images mesh together, distorting the handsome man before me.  “That night… in the parking garage.  I was there.”  I glance over at Justin and see his whole body tense.  “I saw you walking away with your friend, laughing about something.  And then out of the corner of my eye, I saw him… waiting.  You turned, and he was there.  So I cried out to you… but it was too late.”  I try to breathe, wanting to block out the images that are crashing to the forefront of my mind.  “I ran and pushed him to the ground before he could hit you again… I just held you… telling you that it was going to be alright… that you had to hold on.” 

“Why,” he asked in a small voice.  What a loaded question… one with many possible answers. 

So I answered the only way I could, I shrugged.  “I don’t know.  I kept track of you… called the hospital daily… hired a private investigator when you disappeared from town… I thought you were dead.  I didn’t realize you were the same person until yesterday.”  Justin nodded and closed his eyes.  I turn to face him, and take his hand in mine.  “I know that I have fucked up… I know that you have every right to tell me to get lost… but I’m asking you for another chance.” 

“You want a second chance,” Justin asks me.  “At what?” 

“Yes, I do.  I want to try and start again… with us,” I tell him. 

“You think you deserve a second chance… really?” 

“No… but I would like to.” 

Justin nodded, and stood up from the bench.  “I have to think about it, Brian.  You’ve told me so much… I have to think.  Give me some time, okay,” he asks me. 

“Okay.  You have my number… Just don’t take too long… please.” 

“Later,” Justin says as he moves away from me toward the other end of the park. 

“Later,” I say.  I hope beyond hope that my second chance will come.  I need to find out what it is that makes him different.  What makes me WANT to spend time with him. 

All I need is a second chance.   
  

* * * * * * *   
TBC….   
End of Chapter Three 

** Quid pro quo **   
_"What for what"_

This Chapter 4 in the "EXPERIENTIA DOCET" series.   
Narrated by: Cynthia Morgan Featuring Brian Kinney, Justin Taylor, others   
Series Rated NC-17 and contains no warnings or spoilers.   
Summary: Cynthia thinks about the changes in her friend and boss’s life in recent weeks.  September 2002   
Disclaimer: no profit made… The Boys are not mine.. No matter how much I’d love to have them… 

 * * * * * * * 

I don’t know what it is about my boss that just makes me want to grab a hold of him and strangle him.  But whatever it is, it happens quite frequently.  He can be so dense about the way life is, about the way he feels, that if something doesn’t go his way, he just shuts down and makes my life a living hell.  Thankfully, I have learned over the many years that I have worked for him, how to deal with his Big Badness.  Hell, I deserve a raise for dealing with him… hazardous pay or something.  He is definitely something else. 

But I love him to death as well, even if he is a little dense.  Brian can be so caring, and always makes sure that his friends and family have everything they need… well all but the one thing that he has never given to anyone…love.   I guess that’s why I was so shocked when Mr. Taylor - Justin - came to the office, and later stormed out.  I have never seen such a lost look in Brian’s eyes before than I did at that moment.  Shocking… and I mean in the ‘hell has just frozen over, earth shattering’ type of shocking – that I honestly think that Brian has serious feelings for this guy.  Now I know that he’s gay… like that’s ever been a secret with him, but I have also gotten enough clues to know that he just doesn’t so anything serious.  So imagine my surprise when this man that I have never seen except on screen or in a picture has made my boss look so lost.  I wonder what Brian is keeping from me.  I didn’t even know that he had even talked to guy other than that brief encounter at the studio. 

So, the next day I almost throw in the towel and storm out of the office.  He has been really fucking unbearable.  More so than I have ever seen him before.  At the start of the second day after the ‘meeting’ I was about ready to walk right in his office and tell him how it was.  That’s when Justin’s assistant came in.  I don’t know what he said to Brian, but the anger was gone.  Truthfully, I almost wanted the anger back because what that man left in his wake was a depressed and quiet Brian Kinney. 

Now the gossip person that I am not, of course… is just dying to know what in the hell is going on.  Within a week after the illustrious meeting, Brian is a little happier, and I mean happy – not that fake shit that he is known for – and he’s also a little nervous.  Okay, now understand this – I have worked for this man for YEARS, and never have I known him to be nervous.  Finally I’ve had enough.  I walk into his office and stand right in front of his desk.  “I know… I know… Yeah, I can do that… You sure, I mean no pressure… I just don’t want you to think that… Yeah… Yes… Alright, Jesus… Okay… At least you’re going to think about it, I guess that’s a sign… Really…”  He finally realizes that I’m there, so he just holds up his finger to me telling me to wait.  “So, I’ll talk to you later?  Yeah… Alright… Yeah, later.”  Brian hangs up the phone and I am just dying to know who the hell he was talking to, but I put that thought our of my mind and start with the what I came in here for.  “What?” 

I sit down in the chair in front of his desk and lean forward so my arms are resting on my knees.  “We’ve known each other for a long time, right?” 

“Yes,” he answers sounding annoyed with me. 

Frankly, I don’t care.  He has been acting strange lately, and I know for a fact that it’s not PMS.  “Want to tell me what’s going on here?” 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he tells me, and I know he’s lying.  He’s now doing this whole avoidance thing and I’m not going to put up with it.  I scoot a little closer to his desk and just stare at him, letting him know that I’m not buying it.  He takes a deep breath and sighs.  “Speak.” 

“Okay,” I begin.  “I know something is going on, and it has to do with this Justin Taylor thing.”  He only stares at me and doesn’t say anything.  At least he’s not denying it.  “The day he came in here, you were happy as can be before his little visit, then the moment he came tearing out of there, and that little scene outside… well you were an ass.”  Brian only snorts at that remark.  Yeah, so he’s an ass most of the time, but that’s not my point.  “Then a couple of days later, his assistant comes in and you’re depressed.  Now… well, I have no clue what you are now.” 

“Since you have it all figured out, why don’t you tell me,” he states, leaning back in his chair and raising his fingers to his lips. 

I really hate it when he does that.  “Something’s going on between you and this Justin guy… What is it?” 

“Nothing,” he informs me.  Yeah, like I believe him.  I continue to look at him, letting him know that the shit in here is getting deep.  “Nothing.  Hell, trust me, nothing is going on right now with Justin and I.  We’re talking.” 

“But there was something wasn’t there?”  Finally I am starting to understand.  “Christ… haven’t you learned?  You slept with him, didn’t you?  No, don’t answer that… I’m better off not knowing.  So what now?  What about the account?” 

Then the words that I NEVER thought I would hear come out of his mouth did.  “Fuck the account.” 

“What!  You’re kidding right?” 

Brian stands up and moves to the window, and I follow him with my eyes.  I don’t believe that he just said those words to me.  Somehow I know that this is not the end of the story.  I sit back in the chair and wait for him to continue.  Somehow I know that this will be an interesting story.  “I like him,” he begins, and already I’m floored, but thankfully I keep my big mouth shut.  “I enjoy his company, and … he’s fun to be with.  I didn’t tell him that I was here to get him on board.  He got mad, and that ‘scene’ outside was the result.  But… we’re talking, which is more than I ever would’ve thought we would do.” 

Holy shit… Hell has frozen over, I just know it.  Brian Kinney is falling in love.  If I hadn’t heard him talk about this himself, I never would’ve believed it.  “So what now?” 

“I don’t know, I really don’t know.  I guess I’ll know when it happens,” he explained to me.  I guess he could tell by the look on my face that I wasn’t satisfied with that answer, so he shook his head.  “I haven’t give up trying to talk Justin into doing the ad, but it’s not a real priority for me right now.  If I can make one work, then we’ll see about the other.  I really don’t think that he has as much of a problem doing the ad as everyone is thinking his does.  I just think that right now, he won’t do it because he feels hurt.”  Brian came back to his desk and sat down.  “Trust me… everything will work out in the end, and if need be, I’ll explain to Vance why we didn’t get the account.” 

I knew for some odd reason that he would come out on top, just like he always does.   
  

 * * * * * * * 

The day has been going really slow, and of course Brian is once again in a foul mood.  I don’t know what happened, but his semi-good mood from the day before has vanished in a blink of an eye.  Go fucking figure.  I don’t think that I will ever figure that man out. I open up the door leading to his office and see that he is on the phone.  It seems like that is all he is doing nowadays.  “I’m working on the situation as we speak,” Brian says pointing to the chair in front of the desk.  He raises his finger to me, letting me know to remain silent. 

“You told me that you would have it handled by now,” his royal asshole’s voice comes across the speaker.  Gardner Vance is a worthless man if I ever did meet one. 

“And I will have it taken care of.  Some issues have come up, and we’re handling them,” Brian said rolling his eyes.  I bite my tongue to keep from laughing.  Yeah, issues… 

“If you can’t handle the situation there, Kinney, the maybe I need to send someone who can.” 

Brian stood up from his desk and began to walk around the room, clenching the stress ball in his hand.  “You do that, but I’m telling you that it won’t work.  The kid has stated that he does not want to do it.  He is working long hours and doesn’t have a lot of time to be able to even work on it.  So unless we can come up with a way to work things into his schedule, then I don’t see anyone getting him to do it.   If you think you can do better then get your ass out here and try.” 

At that I definitely try not to laugh.  I have been witness to a lot of arguments between the two men, and to say that Vance has ever had a chance at beating Brian would be a complete lie.  “Now listen here, Kinney…” 

Oh shit… this will not be good.  “No, now you listen.  I have talked to Mr. Taylor and we are working on things.  We are trying to see if it will be possible but I’m not holding my breath.  If it turns out that we can’t get him, I’ll personally talk with Mr. Jacobs and explain the situation.  But I can say that out of all the damn people trying to get this account I’ve been the only one who has had a conversation with the man.  Now if you think that I’m not doing my fucking job, then you get out here and handle it,” Brian ends the conversation by pressing the disconnect button.  “That fucking asshole.  He sits in that office, thinking that this is all so easy, while I bust my ass trying to fix his fucking mistakes and perform the miracles that he tells people we can do.” 

I look over at Brian, who is pacing the damn office even more.  His whole demeanor has worsened and I can only sit here and hope that he doesn’t try and take the shit out on me.  Of course he knows better than that.  “It’s called job security.  Vance can’t keep the business running without you.  He knows that and it pisses him off.” 

“Yeah, well… he better fucking pay attention to the shit I do, because if I have to put up with this shit for much longer, I’m out of there,” and for some reason I do believe him.  I’ve always known that Brian could go out on his own and make a fortune.  With all the accounts that he has gotten, I know a lot of them that will follow him to hell if need be.  He’s damn good at his job.  “I’m going to lunch.  Clear my schedule for the rest of the day… I’m not coming back.” 

I nod and head out to reschedule his two o’clock appointment for another day, and watch as he storms out of the office.  My mother always told me that you don’t mess with an Irishman, that they were quick tempered and irritating as hell… I didn’t understand what she meant; that was, until the day I came to work for Brian.  He gives my mother’s warning a whole new meaning. 

 * * * * * * * 

The next day Brian never even bothered to show up for work.  I don’t know where he was; all he told me was that he was taking a personal day.  But I can tell you, that on Friday as I was just finishing up my lunch, in came the one person I didn’t think I would see here ever again.  “Is Mr. Kinney in,” Justin Taylor asked me and I stood and opened the door. 

I peaked in to make sure that Brian wasn’t busy or hadn’t slipped out when I wasn’t looking, and smiled slightly.  “Mr. Taylor is here to see you.”  I opened the door fully, and let Justin walk in.  Now don’t ask me why I can only think of him as Justin, but after hearing my boss say Justin this and Justin that… well, it kinda grows on you.  And he looks much too young to be a ‘Mr. Taylor’ anyway. 

I was about to head back to my desk when Brian told me that I needed to be in there to take notes… just in case.  I began to wonder what that was all about, but I didn’t want to ask.  Well not really.  I sit down in the chair next to Justin and wait.  “Well, how can I help you,” Brian asked.  I guess they had some agreement that if they met again that it would be business only… well that’s what I got out of one of Brian’s moments this past week anyway. 

Justin just sits there looking very relaxed, unlike the look of Brian… now he looks a little nervous.  I don’t know if it’s because of the personal part of their encounters, or if he is worried about the account.  I like to think it’s the personal ones, because fuck the account if it will keep Brian a happy little beaver.  Justin pulls out a piece of paper and places it on Brian’s desk, and I just sit back and wait.  “I had a nice little talk with a man from the Dickerson agency.  He gave me that to look at.” 

Okay, I’ll steal a phrase out of Brian’s book here – Fuck!  Dickerson, Inc. has been riding our shirttails for years, and they are actually one of our stiffer competitions in Pittsburgh.  To know that they are there trying to get this account as well, fuck!  “And what did you think,” Brian asks him glancing over the document in front of him. 

“Well, the numbers aren’t too bad.  Especially considering the size of the account,” Justin stated, leaning back slightly in his chair.  “There are a couple of things that I wouldn’t mind changing, but it’s a good deal.” 

Brian leaned back in his own chair, and I was beginning to think that I was right in the middle of some Texas showdown.  “So why are you bringing this to me,” he asked, and I wanted to know the answer to that one as well. 

Justin leaned forward a little and placed his arms on his legs.  “Well, it’s simple, Mr. Kinney… I need some information before I make a decision.  And maybe, just maybe I am willing to listen to what you have to offer.” 

Okay, that just floored me.  The last time he was here he had basically told us all to go to hell… well us and this damn ad.  Now he wants information about the ad and is willing to give us a chance.  “What do you want to know?” 

“Why me?  Who is this Mr. Jacobs that I’ve heard so much about in the past couple of days?  What you have to offer, and I want to know if you’re willing to work with me on my own terms,” Justin added.  He is in complete control of this meeting and I know that it just irritates Brian to no end.  He loves to be in control, but here this kid, sorry young man, is telling Brian how it was going to be.  Let me say I hope I’m around for the long haul with these two.  I just know that if they make things work between them… it will be a very explosive ride. 

“Mr. Jacobs is the CEO of Regis Corporation, one of the largest… if not the largest company in Pittsburgh…” Brian begins to explain.  I begin to shut him out, because frankly, you can only hear this shit so many times before it gets boring.  I turn to look at Justin and just watch him out of the corner of my eye.  I can tell that he’s taking all of this in with a slight interest.  “As for the offer, and such… let me know your price, and I’ll get my partner on the phone and we can discuss it.” 

Justin seemed to sit for a minute deep in thought.  “You say that he owns some of the clubs and such in Pittsburgh… country clubs?”  Brian nodded and looked over at me.  It was clear neither one of us knew where this train of thought was going.  “Do you have a picture of him?”  Brian pulled one out of the file, and handed it to Justin.  It was a newspaper clipping of the country club.  Justin started laughing and both Brian and I just looked at each other wondering what the hell was going on here.  “I don’t believe this.  Chris?  Well I know now why he wants me to do this ad,” he laughed. 

“Care to explain to us lesser knowledgeable people why,” Brian asked looking at Justin like he had just lost his mind. 

“Long story… but suffice it to say, Chris has been like a second father to me.  He hated my dad, thought that my mom should’ve married him instead… he wants to take one more dig at my father.”  Hearing that, I have to try not to laugh myself.  That’s why Mr. Jacobs is so adamant in his ‘need’ for Justin to be in the ad.  Justin’s dad took away the woman he cared for.  Old rivalry can be a bitch at times, can’t it?  Once Justin was calm, he looked at Brian again.  “Offer me something.  My only requests are that it will be on my terms, my timeline… I have to work it around my schedule so I have to decide when and where.  Also… If and that’s a big if… if I go with your company, I only want one person in charge of it.  I won’t work with anyone else.” 

YES!!!!  More job security!  Okay, so I’m getting a head of myself here, but I know whom Justin would work only with, and that isn’t Gardner Vance.  Not that I was worried that Vance might try to fuck with us, but I know that little weasel is just waiting for some reason to kick us out.  He doesn’t like Brian and I know for a fact that Brian does not like Vance.  It’s a wonderful partnership. 

Brian gets on the phone, and begins to talk to Vance about what they would be willing to offer.  I am almost shocked when I hear the figures since I know for a fact that NO ONE who has worked for us on an ad has gotten that amount of money.  No one.  I write down everything that Brian is telling Vance… I’ll make sure that it all gets in there.  I don’t care about what Vance says.  After he hangs up the phone, he looks over at Justin and the two just share a look.  Don’t ask me… I don’t know what they are saying, but it seems to me that an entire conversation is taking place and I don’t know what it is.  “Cynthia will type it all up for your approval and we’ll have it to you by the end of the day if that is alright.” 

“Sounds good.  Just give Blake a call and he’ll pick it up for me.”  Justin stood from his chair and held out his hand.  After shaking his hands, Justin turned to me and shook mine.  Boy, would my friends back in Pittsburgh just kill me if they knew who had just held my hand.  Okay so I can get like that at times, but at least… I hope I didn’t show it.  “I have to get back to the studio.  It was nice doing business with you.” 

“See you around,” Brian asked.  And dare I say he sounded almost desperate… nah, we all know that Brian doesn’t do desperate… it must’ve been something else.  Yeah, that’s it. 

“Call me,” Justin answered as he walked out the door. 

I stood as well and planted a smile on my face.  “Well I’ll just get right on this.” 

“Don’t forget to ensure that Mr. Taylor’s demands are in there.  I want to make sure that everything is covered.”  Yeah, make sure that Vance can’t try and back out of it.  I got it.  “Send it to me when you’re finished.” 

“Of course,” I tell him as I myself head out of the office.  If the looks that they had shared are any indication to what their ‘relationship’ could be like… I can’t wait to get a front row seat to this show. 

* * * * * * * 

TBC 

End of Part 4

**Pro Tempore**  
  
_For the Time Being_

  
  


This Chapter 5 in the "EXPERIENTIA DOCET" series.   
Narrated by: Brian Kinney featuring Cynthia Morgan, Justin Taylor, Blake Wyzecky and others   
Series Rated NC-17 and contains no warnings or spoilers.   
Summary:  September 2002   
Disclaimer: no profit made… The Boys are not mine.. No matter how much I’d love to have them… 

 * * * * * * * 

Fucking Vance… How dare he try to tell me I'm not doing my job?  I would like to see him come here and try to get Justin to do the work for him.  Yeah, that would go over well.  Justin is a hard man to handle – trust me I know – and Vance would be eaten alive.  All I know is that I need to calm down at least a little bit, cause the last thing I fucking need right now is to show how pissed I really am.  When Blake had called me late yesterday and asked me to lunch, I was intrigued.  Blake right now is my connection to try and get Justin back, no matter how much I hate it.  I hate the fact that I have to rely on anyone to get someone, let alone Blake. 

I hate feeling like I owe him something.  That thought alone today kept me in a foul mood, and then that call from Vance… Fuck that shit.  I sit down in a booth at a small café near the hotel, and wait for Blake to make his entrance.  Why am I doing this?  I know the answer to that, no matter how much I want to deny it.  I want Justin, and I will do whatever it takes to get him back in his good graces.  Fuck! 

A couple of minutes later, Blake comes walking in and sits across from me.  He orders his lunch, and sits back with his arm across the back of the booth and looks at me.  He's got this superior look about him, and right now that is not the thing I need to see… not after the day I've been having.  “Well,” I start off.  “You wanted to see me, I'm here.” 

“So, how'd it go the other night,” Blake asks me. 

I sit back myself and just look at him.  “Why don't you tell me?  You live with him, I'm sure that you already got the play by play.” 

Blake shakes his head at me, and sighs.  What the fuck is his problem?  Not that I really care, mind you, but he knows first hand what Justin is thinking about me right now, and it's making me crazy.  I want to be the one who knows that shit, I want to be in control.  These past couple of weeks, I've felt my life spin out of control, and it's practically killing me.  I hate disorder, and it seems like that's all I've been living lately.  Fuck!  I look over at Blake and just wait for his response.  Let him tell me what he wants out of this little meeting, cause frankly I would rather be anywhere else but here right now.  “Yeah, I did.  Justin told me all about it, and well, I'm just wondering what you're next move is going to be.” 

“My next move is wait until he calls.  Look, I'm not going to push him into something that he doesn't want to do… You should know me well enough to know that when it comes to something like this, I won't do it.”  I stop when Blake starts laughing, which irritates the hell out of me.  “What the fuck is your problem?  What's so funny?” 

“You,” Blake shakes his head.  What I would like to do to him right now.  No one has ever laughed at me like that before, and it is beginning to piss me off.  “You are so full of shit, you know that?  This coming from the same person who practically pushes people off of a fucking cliff.  Michael, Ted, everyone.  You love it, you love to be in control.  This is just killing you isn't it?  You're not going to push?  That will be the day.” 

“Listen, Blake… You don't know a fucking thing about me.  Just because you hung out with us for a while, you fucked Ted, you think you know everything.  You don't know shit.”  I pull out my wallet, and throw some money down on the table.  “And frankly I have better things to do than to sit here and listen to this shit.” 

I walk out of that stuffy fucking café and start to head down the street to the hotel.  I don't need Blake to tell me who I am, what I am.  I don't need his help with any of this shit.  I hear him behind me calling my name, and I just keep walking.  When his hand touches my arm I turn around ready to attack.  I am not in the mood for this shit, not now not ever.  “Hey!  Do you want to know that Justin is willing to give you another chance or what?  Do you want to know what he wants?” 

That stops me in an instant.  “Talk… and make it quick.”  Blake points toward the hotel, and we walk down the street toward it.  Once inside we head directly toward the bar just off the lobby, and sit down.  I order a beam and take a sip.  I know that I will need a lot more than this one glass to get me through this conversation.  “Okay, you got my attention.  So let's hear what you have to say.” 

Blake takes a drink from his coke and looks at me through the mirror in front of us.  He can't even look me in the eye to tell me.  “Justin has a lot of problems, as I'm sure you know.  He never really got over the bashing, and it was the cause of a lot of other problems in his life after that.  He did tell me that he had felt something that night, felt someone.  He told me once that he had felt his soul mate that night, and regretted the fact that he had never seen him again.”  Blake turns to face me, and I try to keep the mask of indifference in place.  It's hard… fuck it's hard.  What do you say or do when you find out that the first person that you have ever considered having a …. relationship with, feels that you are their soul mate?  “That person is you, Brian.  You are the one that he has been waiting for since that day.  He knows that in his heart.  He knows that he will never be happy, truly happy with anyone else.” 

“So what am I supposed to do?  What does he want,” I ask.  I've never been in a relationship before, so I don't really have any clue how to do these sort of things.  What do you do when you're interested in someone?  And I am interested in Justin, there is no doubt about that.  I can see myself with him for a while, and I've never felt that way before. 

“Don't wait for him, Brian.  If you want him – if you want to try and make this work – you have to make a show of it.  Show him that you want him.  Show him that you are willing to take that step.  He's confused right now, and I know he wants to know what you feel, what you think… show him.  Don't give him reason to doubt,” Blake explains.  “If you are serious about this… you have to prove it to him.”  Blake places his money on the bar, and walks out, leaving me to think about everything he said.  The only problem is… can I?  Can I do what he's asking of me, what Justin is asking? 

 * * * * * * * 

I didn’t get much sleep last night, going over everything in my mind.  I called Cynthia and told her that I wasn’t going to be in today, and I know she is shocked.  But damn, I have more important things to do.  I head out early, heading for god knows where, in hopes of clearing my head.  If I am going to talk to Justin, I need to have everything decided; what I want, what I’m looking for… if I’m ready for it. 

I hop in my rental and just start driving…no where to go, really.  I'm hoping that the air, the sense of freedom can help clear my mind enough to decide what the hell I want.  There's a part of me that wishes I knew how to ride a motorcycle, cause in all honesty, I felt more alive on that damn thing than I have in a long time… well the combination of the motorcycle and Justin.  I remember that Justin's place is on the beach, and I head down there.  Maybe being close to Justin, to where we spent our weekend will help me come up with some idea as to where to go next. 

Santa Monica is very relaxed yet ritzy and trendy, with multi-million dollar beach homes mixed with nice apartments and smaller loft/townhouses - the atmosphere suited Justin's personality perfectly.  I park the car and make my way down toward the water.  All around I can see people happy.  Children playing in the water or making sand castles, people playing volley ball, or throwing a ball around.  Couples holding hands walking down the edge of the water… 

 Love… that’s not something that I have ever really related to any thought of my life.  For the majority of my life, I thought it was just some shit that straight people tell themselves… tell others so they can get laid.  I’ve fucked my way through life, not caring, not allowing anyone to get close.  Suddenly here is this young man who within a short amount of time, sneaks his way into my life, my thoughts.  I think about the time that we have had together, and I can say that it’s been the best time of my life.  I have never felt so free, so loved before in my life. 

My ol’ man’s way of showing things was with a fist, while my dear old mother stood by.  They never loved me, and I always knew that my dad wished me never to have been born.  Why do love?  All it is, is bullshit anyway, right? 

Then I look at Mel and Lindsey, Ben and Michael, and I see that it is possible.  Even if it does make me sick at times, I can see that they care about each other in ways that I have never seen.  I guess that’s why I started to think that my life is on pause, why I started to think that maybe it’s time to grow up.  I remember Lindsey telling me one time that it’s not necessarily wanting to be in a relationship, but it could mean not wanting to be alone.  Maybe that’s what I’m looking for?  Everyone has someone, and maybe… just maybe, I’m starting to feel alone.  The tricks aren’t doing it for me really.  I mean fuck and get out, that’s it.  But to have someone to come home to, to be there for me… maybe that’s what I need.  Hell, I’m willing to give it a shot.  I’ll try anything once. 

Now that’s not to say I’m ready to give up the tricking either.  I mean come on, I don’t really know if any ONE person can really satisfy all of my needs, and I have a lot of them… but I am tired of coming home to an empty loft, waking up alone… watching my life go by. 

I just need to know what to do to make this work… to get Justin to speak to me again, give me another chance. 

 * * * * * * * 

I spent all damn day just driving around, thinking… sitting, thinking… nothing too exciting really.  But I think that maybe Blake is right.  I need to show Justin that I meant what I said about wanting another chance.  I need to show him that I want to give us a try.  I went to the ocean, and sat there most of the day, thinking about what my life has been like before the bashing, before I ever laid eyes on Justin.  I realized that after that night, even though it ended badly, that those few minutes that I held him in my arms, willing him to live, was the beginning of a whole new life for me.  I didn't say no to Lindz when she asked for my sperm.  I was able to open myself up to Gus, and a little bit to the others as well.  I was even able to open up and tell my dad that I was gay. 

Justin wasn't even in my life, and I had never spoken a word to him, but he had changed my life.  I hadn't realized it then, but looking back on everything, I know that he was partly the reason behind this sudden change in me.  I know I felt something that night, even if I didn't know what it was, or what it is, but I felt it.  This sudden need, this sudden connection to another – it was frightening. 

So here I am, sitting on the steps outside of his loft he lives in, waiting for him to show.  I need to talk to him, I need to see him.  Sometime around 11:30 or so, Justin comes walking around the corner from the garage, and stops when he sees me sitting there.  He nods and makes his way past me to the door, unlocking it, and holding the door open for me.  We don't say a word as we head up to his floor. 

Stepping inside the loft, Justin heads for the refrigerator, and pulls out two beers.  “What's going on,” he asks handing me a beer. 

I shrug, not really sure why I'm here, just that I am here.  “Hell if I know,” I laugh slightly.  Justin shakes his head and moves to the couch.  I follow behind him and sit on the opposite end, not wanting to crowd him.  “I've just had a shitty couple of days, and then the next thing I know… I'm here.” 

“So… what's wrong,” he asked me turning so that we can look at each other. 

I take a sip of my beer, and shake my head.  I really don't want to tell him the reason, cause I know that it's my fault that things are the way they are… but then again, I can tell he honestly wants to know.  I just hope he doesn't think that I'm only here to try and get him to do the damn ad.  Talk about a rock in a hard place.  “Just work,” I tell him. 

Justin nods and sighs.  “I'm sorry… if you know, I caused you problems at work.  I just couldn't do it… not after…” 

“I know.  Trust me I know, and that's not why I'm here.  I'll deal with my partner, don't worry about it.”  I look at Justin and I can only hope that things will work out between us.  I am not ready to give this up…whatever this is. 

Justin stood and walked over to the window, his loft spanned the whole floor of the building and had both a view of the ocean for the daytime and a view of the city nights for the evening.  I must admit that it is a beautiful view.  “I've been doing some thinking myself these past couple of days,” he begins, and I sit up a little on the couch.  His voice is quiet so it's almost a strain to hear him.  “This whole thing… you know, the fact that you were the one who was there that night… I know you're not lying to me cause Daphne told me the same stuff you did, and NO ONE knew half of that shit… It's not like I remember any of it, really… just what I've heard or read about in the papers.”  Justin turns to face me, and I can see the pain in his eyes as he remembers that night… or at least remembers what he had heard about that night.  It never occurred to me that he didn't remember, but I should've figured as much.  You can't suffer that type of injury and NOT be damaged in some form. 

I sit silently as he walks back to the couch and sits down, staring straight ahead.  “It just seems so unreal.  I've been looking for you, it seems, my whole life… and now you're here,” he turns to me.  All I want to do at that moment is pull him in my arms and take away the pain that I know he is feeling.  “It's just… I don't know.  God… and I hate it… I hate not knowing what to think, what to feel.  A part of me wants to be happy, to say fuck everything and just go with the flow… but the other part of me…” 

“Wants to kick my ass,” I finish.  I know the feeling, hell I want to kick my ass for what I did – for the pain I caused him.  “Justin… I'm sorry I hurt you.  If I could take it away, and start over, I would… but it's done, it's over.  All we can do now is move past it.  Move forward.”  I reach out and take his hand in mine, holding it tightly.  “I want that.  I've never wanted to feel this way about anyone, I never wanted to think these sort of things… and it scares the hell out of me.  But the fact is, I do feel something… what I don't know… but I want to find out.  All you have to do is give me a chance.  Give us a chance.  But I said it once and I'll say it again… if you never want to see me again, I understand… I'll just go and leave you alone.” 

“I don't know, Brian… I just don't know anymore.” 

 * * * * * * * 

I can’t fucking believe it… First Justin comes in the office and offers to do the account, and now… fuck.  Wasn’t it just a couple of days ago, I was thinking how much I hated to be in someone’s debt?  Now… now Justin has it set up to where I have definitely job security.  I don’t know.  I just don’t know what is going on in that kid’s mind.  But I plan on finding out. 

I called Blake, and he came by to get the contract.  I had asked him when Justin would be off work, and was happy to hear that Justin was getting off early for the weekend.  Blake had told me that he was going to be gone this weekend with some friends down to San Diego, so this was my chance to try and make things right.  Thank god for small wonders.  So once again in – hell less than a days time – I’m standing outside of Justin’s building waiting for him.  Like before Justin came around the corner, and stopped when he spotted me.  “This is becoming a habit,” he said with a small smile on his lips.  I just shrugged as he lead me in the building and up toward his loft.  “Maybe I should just give you a key so that you don’t have to wait outside anymore,” he told me as we walked into the loft. 

Now that seemed like a damn good idea with me, but I wasn’t going to push… well not too much anyway.  “I brought champagne,” Justin turned to look at me.  “To celebrate our partnership,” I informed him.  “Business partnership.”  Okay, so I felt I had to clarify it for him… as I said I wasn’t going to push too hard. 

“You know,” Justin said as he walked over to me, and took the bottle out of my hand.  “You’re hot when you are in full business mode,” he said with a smile.  “Maybe we can negotiate another contract…” 

I feel Justin begin to take my jacket off of my shoulders, and let it fall to the ground.  “A contract huh?  Now why would you think that we need to negotiate one of those,” I ask him as I begin to slowly unbutton his shirt.  Hell, he started this game, and I’m not one to back down…in fact, I don’t think that in this game that there will be any losers. 

“I don’t know… I’m sure we can think of something,” he whispers as he leans in toward me.  “But we can talk about that later.” 

“How about we talk about it now,” I say lightly pushing him away from me.  And I can say that it was hard as hell to do that too.  “Don’t get me wrong… I want to be with you… be inside you… but I think that maybe we need to get some things straight before we continue… this,” I tell him pointing at our obvious hard-ons. 

Justin laughed a little then took my hand and led me to the couch.  “You’re right.”  We sit down on opposite ends of the couch, and just look at each other.  I guess we were both waiting for the other to start, cause after a couple of minutes we both just started laughing at how ridiculous this all was.  “Shit… Okay,” Justin begins as he turns to face me.  “All I ask Brian is that you don’t lie to me.  Tell me what’s going on, what you’re feeling, what you think.  This isn’t going to work unless we talk to each other.  I can’t stand liars and I won’t tolerate it.  Also I won’t be treated as a child.  If we do this, it will be on equal terms.  No one is more important or more needed than the other.  We are equal in every way, no questions asked.” 

“Okay… But,” I start to say.  “What about … How the hell would we make this thing work if you’re here and I’m in Pitts?” 

Justin moved closer to me so that he could sit on my lap facing me.  “Have you ever heard of long distant relationships, Brian?  There are these wonderful things called e-mails, telephones, cell phones, video conferencing…”  I know he could go on and on about this, so I do the only thing that I know that will shut him up… I kiss him forcefully on the lips.  I can feel him mold into me, pushing himself against me, pulling my head closer to his.  Fuck… what he does to me.  Justin’s hands move up my stomach, lifting my shirt as they go.  I pull back slightly so that he can take it completely off of me, then immediately my lips find his again. 

I tear off his shirt, and start to unbuckle his jeans.  I let my hands move down to the smooth flesh of his ass, letting my fingers run along the crack.  Justin pulls back, breathing hard, and he grabs my hand.  We walk over to the bedroom, pulling clothes off with each step we get closer to the bed.  I pick Justin up and place him on the top of the bed, climbing on top of him.  Justin rolls on his stomach, and I begin to trace his spine with my tongue from the back of his neck straight down toward one of my favorite parts of his body.  Slowly, I reach the curve of his ass, and run my hands over the round globes.  Pulling apart his cheeks I glide my tongue over his sensitive hole.  “Oh god,” he breathes, clenching the bed sheets. 

Probing his hole with my tongue, I can taste his sweet essence.  God… he tastes so good.  He’s so fucking hot… so tight… fuck… 

I pull away from him, and he moans in protest.  “Shhhh.  Don’t move,” I command him.  I reach over to my jean pocket and pull out a condom and the lube.  “Trust me… You’ll enjoy the ride,” I tell him, placing first one of my lubed fingers than another into his tight passage.  “Tell me what you want…. Huh?  Tell me, Justin… What do you want?” 

Justin raises himself up on his hands and knees, and looks at me, his pupils filled with lust.  “Fuck me, Brian… Fuck me hard.” 

I position myself at his entrance, and slowly push the head of my covered cock into him.  Pausing when I am fully sheathed in his warmth, I reach around and pull his face toward mine.  We begin to probe each other’s mouths as I begin to move against him.  With each thrust, I feel him pushing back against me, pushing me even deeper into him… 

I reach around him and begin to stroke his silky cock, bringing him to the brink.  I feel him begin to close in around me, holding me in a vice grip, and I feel myself start to lose it.  I catch him before he collapses and continue to pump into him, shooting my load and filling the condom. 

Collapsing on top of him, I roll off him slightly and pull out so I can dispose of the condom.  Justin rolls on his side, kissing me lightly on the lips as we catch our breaths.  I lay down on my back and pull him close to me as I feel the first wave of sleep begin to overtake me. 

The last thought that crosses my mind before I lose the battle, is that this whole thing that I have with Justin, just may work. 

 * * * * * * * 

TBC 

End of Part 5

** E pluribus Unum **   
_"One out of many"_

  
This Chapter 6 in the "EXPERIENTIA DOCET" series.   
Narrated by: Justin Taylor, and Nicholas Brendon featuring Cynthia Morgan, Brian Kinney, and others   
Series Rated NC-17 and contains no warnings or spoilers.   
Summary:  September 2002 Justin works on the ad, as Brian watches on.  However, Brian gets a small wake-up call in reference to Justin   
Disclaimer: no profit made… The Boys are not mine.. No matter how much I’d love to have them… 

 * * * * * * *   
***Justin***

Nick and I were sitting around the studio one day, just talking and we got to talking about this whole deal with Brian and this ad.  Of course Nick, the crazy guy that he is thinks that it’s all funny.  “You are so screwed in the head you know that?  So this guy… this…” 

“Mr. Jacobs,” I finish for him. 

“Yeah, that guy.  So he wants you to do this ad, because he has the hots for your mom, and hates your dad,” he asked me shaking his head.  I only nod in agreement.  “That is totally messed up.  I mean I knew you had one fucked up childhood, but this just takes the cake.  So you’re going to do it?” 

“Yeah,” I tell him.  “I told Brian that I was going to do it, but only if he is in charge of it.  He told me once that his other partner doesn’t like him much and keeps trying to force Brian out.  So I figured that it will give him a little help with the jackass.” 

Nick nodded and smiled.  I can tell that his mind is working overtime.  “How about we make it extra special?”  I look at him, not knowing what the hell he’s talking about.  “How about we ensure that Brian, your Brian,” he said with a smile.  “Is such a hot property that his other Partner can’t do anything?” 

I look over at Nick and try to imagine what it is he’s thinking about.  I know Nick is just thrilled beyond belief that I have someone in my life, even if it is for a short time.  Nick has on my tail since we met, wanted me to find someone I can share my life with.  We’ve spent hours just talking about everything.. he’s one of the few people who know everything that has happened to me.  He’s been a really good friend to me, and I know that I wouldn’t have gotten this far without him.  In fact he’s part of the reason that I’m on this show. 

I had met Nick almost two years ago at some small function.  We started working together on this little movie.. nothing much a second rate movie thing, that never hit big.  But it was the start of a solid friendship between the two of us.  We started hanging out, just talking and stuff.. It was like Daphne and me almost.  Okay.. so Nick is straight, don’t get me wrong.  But I guess that’s what makes us as good of friends as we are.  We don’t have to worry about anything ruining it.  “And what pray tell do you have in mind?” 

Nick leans over to me so he can whisper.  “Well neither one of us is doing anything tomorrow afternoon.. so why don’t I come with you?” 

“You do know that if you do this that in a couple of weeks you have to go to Pittsburgh to do the actual commercial right,” I ask him letting him know what all this entails.  It’s not that I don’t want him to do it, cause I think it’s great.. but I also don’t want to impose on him either. 

“Yes, I know that.  But you don’t honestly think that I’d leave you alone in that city by yourself do you,” he added.  And that is why we are such good friends.  Nick knows what going to that city would mean to me.  He knows that it will be hard for me, and he wants to be there to help me through it.  That’s what friends are for. 

“Thanks.. for everything.”   
  

 * * * * * * *   
***Nicholas***

Okay.. So I know that I’m strange.  I’ve been told that for years, but I kind of like being the strange one, you know.  I mean, I’m a happily married man of one year, and I guess a part of me wants that for Justin.. okay so it’s not really possible for him, but I can try right?  Here’s this good-looking guy, at least according to my lovely wife he is, and he’s been unhappy for a long time.  It kind of sucks if you ask me.  With everything that he has gone through, everything that has been thrown at him.. he deserves some happiness in his life. 

I guess in a way, it sort of sucks that I’m married.. and happily, since Justin is definitely a magnate for all the hot chicks around.  It seems that every time we go out somewhere, someone is always hitting on him.  Woman and men alike.  Woman who want to show him that one night with them and he’ll be straight, and men.. well that goes without saying. 

So here I am.. waiting for this whole little ad to start.  I’m not even sure what I’m supposed to be doing, but Justin went off to talk to the head guy.. I think it is this Brian he’s so head over heals for.. or is it heals over head that Blake told me?  I don’t know if I’ll ever understand that whole thing.. do I really want to?   Nah.. 

I guess I can see what Justin sees in this guy, granted he seems a little rough to me, but he’s got the looks, the job, almost everything that a mother would love.  My only hope is that he won’t break Justin’s heart.  Not that I could do anything of course, but it’s the thought that counts.. Right? 

Anyway, we arrive here at the photographer’s studio and Justin pulls Brian aside.  I can just imagine what he’s telling him.. _‘Hey my friend here would like to help sweeten the pot, if you know what I mean.’_ After a little talk, the two walk up to me, and Brian holds out his hand, _‘welcoming me aboard._ ’  I kind of feel sorry for his secretary though, cause he sent her off right away to get a contract for me.. same as Justin’s he said.  Well who am I to argue with the man? 

Neil, the photographer, is a long time acquaintance of Justin and mine.  He’s done a lot of pictures and stuff of the cast from time to time.  Of course we all know that he has some serious hots for Justin, which makes for an interesting time.  The two always joke around, and mess around, you know a little flirting and stuff.  Nothing too major since Neil knows that Justin will never be with him that way, but it’s always fun to watch. 

We start with a couple of ‘group’ shots and such, and every time I look over at Brian Kinney, I can almost see steam coming out of his ears.  He does not look real happy at the way Neil is acting around Justin.  Personally I think it’s funny.  Here’s this guy – tall, dark, I guess you could say drop dead gorgeous – and he’s all jealous of a little dirty talk between the two. 

I don’t know if Neil notices the glare directed his way or not, but I don’t know how he could miss it.  Justin is finished for now, cause Neil wants to do individual shots of the two of us, and I figured that Justin needed to calm his boyfriend down before things got too ugly.  Jealousy can be a total bitch at times. 

 * * * * * * *   
*** Justin ***

It’s funny.  The photographer who is doing this shoot is the same one that I have used on many occasions through the years.  He’s the same one who did the pictures for the Advocate, actually.  I know that he wants to have sex with me, he’s even told me that, but he knows that I don’t want that type of relationship with him.  I won’t fuck him, it’s that simple.  So we get along well.. okay so there is some playful flirting, but that’s normal for the two of us.  I don’t think however that Brian likes it a whole lot.  I catch a glimpse of Brian out of the corner of my eye and see the looks he’s giving poor Neil, but it’s not my fault. 

So when Neil decides to do some individual shots, Nick says he’ll go first.  I’m glad that we’re on the same page in this cause Brian looks like he’s ready to kill.  I don’t know if I’ve ever had anyone jealous because of me before.  I walk up to Brian and place my hand on his arm and nod my head to the side.  The only way I know that might calm him down is to get Neil out of his line of sight.  We head out of the room and down the hall.  “So what do you think so far,” I ask wanting to keep things light.  It’s the only way we maybe able to survive his little jealousy flare-up, and stop it before it gets out of hand. 

“You fuck him,” Brian asks me and I immediately burst out in laughter.  Of course this just pisses him off even more, cause he turns and storms down the hall. 

I run to catch up with him, and turn him around to face me.  “No, and it’s not by lack of trying on his part.”  I step back from him slightly and look him in the eye.  “Why do you care if I have or not?  Come on Brian.. It’s not like you haven’t fucked all of Pittsburgh, and then some.  If I had one encounter with someone it shouldn’t matter one way or the other,” I stress. 

“Blake’s been talking hasn’t he,” Brian asked biting his lip, knowing the answer. 

“We’ve discussed you on occasion.  What you didn’t think that I wouldn’t know about the Stud of Liberty Avenue did you?”  I step up closer to him and hold his hand in mine.  “Doesn’t believe in love, doesn’t do the same trick twice…God’s gift to gay PA.”  Brian turns his head away from me, and I reach up and turn it back so he can see I’m telling the truth.  “You think I care what you’re like there, back then?  Brian.. I know you’re not that person, at least not with me.” 

Brian nods his head in agreement.  We both know that the person that Blake had described is NOT the same person who had followed me around for days even after we had slept together.  That Brian Kinney would’ve just left things alone when I stormed out of the office.  “So what’s the problem?  The past is the past.. we both have them.  So fuck ‘em.  Now I have to go back in there and finish this so that Nick and I can get back to the set.” 

“Fine.. but this isn’t over, Justin.  Not by a long shot.”  Brian took my hand back into his own and we walked back to the room where Neil and Nick were finishing up. 

 * * * * * * * 

** *Nicholas* **

Okay, now don’t ask me why the moment I finish, I head over to Brian.  Maybe it was the fact that the second that Justin left his side, he began to tense up.  Neil walks up to Justin and starts to unbutton some of the top buttons, then walks over and puts in a CD.  The thing that I have learned about Justin is he always likes to loosen up during these things.  Of course the thing that loosens him up the most is dancing.  It also becomes some pretty awesome shots.  “You know.. when Justin and I first met Neil, he was going all out trying to get Justin to sleep with him.”  We watch Justin continue to dance around the area, moving in time to the music.  I can say I know a lot of women who would die to have these pictures on their walls. 

Brian turned to me and I could almost say he scared me.  He had this look in his eyes that told me that if I didn’t clarify what I was talking about.. I’d be dead.  Now I know Justin wouldn’t let that happen, but Justin’s on the other side of the room, and I think Brian could do a lot of damage before Justin had a chance to stop him.  “But once Justin told him no that he wouldn’t, things sort of calmed down.  Oh they flirt, but it’s all in good fun.”  I turn and look over at Justin, and I’m still amazed by his talent.  Justin has always been at ease around people, well for the most part – and he always has a way to make others feel at ease.  You get him in front of a camera and it’s like he owns the whole world.  No one can deny – not even a straight guy like me – that Justin has this power to pull you in. 

I guess that’s why lately so many people want him. 

Justin has gotten a lot of offers lately; he’s on what I like to call the fast track.  I even saw one of those magazines call him one of the hottest guys around, I think it might have been GQ or something I don’t remember.  As I said before.. men and women all want a piece of him.  But Justin has always been untouchable.  No one had been able to get close, well really close to him in the horizontal type way.. until Brian Kinney.  It isn’t like Justin hasn’t been with anyone, cause he has.  It’s just that he always kept it quiet, not letting that person really know him, or let that person near us.  He said he was protecting us, what he had with us.. but I’m not so sure.  I think that Justin –after everything that he’s been through, all the hell he went through – he just wasn’t ready to give himself to anyone that way again. 

He had been so hurt by his family’s reaction to him being gay, and the hell he went through at school.  The bashing was the worst for him, I know.  He just wasn’t ready to put himself in the position to be hurt again.  He couldn’t do it anymore.  He wouldn’t do it anymore.  I can’t even imagine what it was like for him back there.  That’s why I’m so determined to go with him on this trip.  There’s no way that Justin nor I will allow Blake to go back there yet.. at least not without some sort of back up plan.. and Blake said he’s still not ready to face all of that again.  More importantly the man he loved back there. 

Justin heads out of the main room to change into something else, and I can’t help but notice Brian’s eyes follow him as one of the costume people.. a male, mind you, heads back into that room as well.  I can almost see Brian take a step in that direction, wanting to yank Justin out of there.  “You know, Justin gets hit on every day,” I tell Brian.  “But no one has held his interest.  No one had been able to get past the walls he had constructed around his heart.”  Justin comes out of the room in a skin-tight blue shirt that I know will bring out the color of his eyes.  My wife is constantly telling me that Justin should wear that color more because of the effect on his eyes.. how much it brings them out.  I turn to Brian so I can look him in the eye.  “You have started to break through that mess.  Just don’t hurt him.. don’t make him regret ever opening up to you.  As his friend, I won’t let you hurt him.  And that’s all I have to say.” 

I turn away from Brian and look back toward Justin.  I can only hope that things will work out between the two.  I hate to see Justin get hurt.  He deserves some happiness in this life.  Justin continues to move with the music, this time a little more upbeat, and more techno I guess.  He’s really getting into it, and I know that he has completely forgotten about the two of us.  I however, am stuck here with a man who is starting to clench his fists, and I can almost see him walking over to Neil and ripping his throat out.  I can say if Neil goes up to Justin one more time to ‘fix’ something on his outfit.. I won’t be able to stop the beating that will take place. 

 * * * * * * *   
***Justin***

After I finish a couple of shots I say good-bye to Neil and head over to where Brian and Nick are.  They have been in some type of discussion and I’m not quite sure what to make of it.  I know Nick, and I know that he is wanting to be sure that I don’t get hurt, but I still can’t help but be a little annoyed.  I shake my head, and make my way over to my two wayward boys.  Not that I would tell either one of them that..I like living thank-you very much.  “Well we better get heading back,” I say to Nick, and watch as he makes his way out of the room.  “I’ll be right out,” I call out to him. 

Brian turns and talks to his secretary for a moment, discussing the next step, and I just wait for him to turn back to me.  When Brian turned to me, he placed his hands on my hips and pulled me closer to him.  God.. if I didn’t have to get back to the studio.. no clear that thought out of your mind.  “So,” he began leaning in to lightly brush his lips against mine. 

I know that he’s jealous of Neil.. but what am I going to do?  I can’t stop people from looking, and it’s not like he doesn’t have people looking at him as well.  If I got pissed at every person who ever looked at Brian with a lusty look.. then I’d have a full time job.  As long as no one touches.. wait I KNOW I can’t think about that right now.  We’re just starting out, and I’m not even sure if this will work out between us.  I know who and what he is.. I can’t and won’t ignore it.  So who am I to say that he can’t do what he always had done before?  If I did would it just push him away from me?  No.. for now, I’ll just enjoy this while it lasts.  “I have to get back,” I say kissing him back.  I wrap my arms around his shoulders and pull him closer to me, letting my tongue glide across his lips. 

Plunging his own tongue into my mouth, we start to lose ourselves in each other.  God.. no one kisses like this man.  Brian pulls away first, and I feel the sudden loss and moan in disappointment.  “Go.. you have to make all that money,” he said pulling back a little more.  “See you tonight?” 

“I’ll be done around eleven,” I tell him.  I reach into my pocket and pull out the spare key I had made.  “I’ll meet you there,” I tell him placing the key in his hand. 

“Later,” he says kissing me again lightly. 

“Later.”  I turn and walk out of the small studio and toward Nick.  I see him shake his head as I walk up to him.  “What,” I ask, knowing full well what he’s going to say. 

“Oh nothing.  He’s jealous,” Nick laughs as we get into his car. 

I laugh along with him and shake my head.  “It is funny, isn’t it?” 

Nick pulls the car out of the parking lot and we head toward the freeway and the studio.  “The two of you will most definitely keep each other on your toes.. I don’t think it will ever get boring.” 

“I hope not.. I hope not,” I say looking out of the window.  I hope that things between Brian and I will work out.  I hope that we can be with each other for a long time.  I know that I’ll do whatever I can to try and make that happen.  Whatever I have to do to keep us together, I’ll try.  If it’s not meant to be and we go our separate ways then I will know that I did everything in my power to try and make this work when all the odds are against us. 

I’ll know that we made a go at this, and it was fun while it lasted. 

Not that I’m going to give up easily.. Brian’s in for one hell of a ride. 

 * * * * * * *   
  

TBC 

End of Part 6

** Alis Volat propriis **   
_He flies by his own wings_

This Chapter 7 in the "EXPERIENTIA DOCET" series.   
Narrated by Brian Kinney Featuring: Justin Taylor, Blake, Cynthia Morgan, and others   
Series Rated NC-17 and contains no warnings or spoilers.   
Summary:  September 2002 Brian continues to see Justin in a different light, and thinks about how he can work things out   
Disclaimer: no profit made… The Boys are not mine.. No matter how much I’d love to have them.. 

* * * * * * * 

“Later,” I tell Justin kissing him lightly on the lips.  As he turns and begins to walk away he replies back the same way.  This whole thing.. this photo shoot did not turn out at all the way I had wanted it too.  Okay, I know that Justin is good looking, but that fucking photographer that Cynthia got needs to keep his fucking hands to himself.  ‘You know, Justin gets hit on every day,’ Nicholas had told me.. Fuck!  That is the one fucking thing that I did NOT want to hear.  Yes, Justin is beautiful.. Yes, Justin is outgoing.. but he’s MINE!  The next fucking person I see laying a hand on him just may meet my fist. 

As I hold the key to Justin’s loft in my hand, I just can’t shake this feeling that one wrong step and this Neil guy can walk right on in, and if not him then maybe the next guy who walks through that door.. that damn fucking costume person for one.  ‘Justin gets hit on every day.’ Fuck!  Okay, Kinney.. now there’s nothing to worry about right?  Justin is with you.. he’s not out with any of these guys.  So why am I so nervous? 

Maybe because I know that soon I’ll have to head back to fucking glorious Pittsburgh.. back to hell, and as far away from Justin as I can get.  So what’s stopping him from finding someone else?  What’s going to stop him from deciding that it would be easier to go with someone who lives closer to him.. one of these guys perhaps?  Fuck! 

Okay, Kinney.. don’t get too crazy here.  Justin is with you; he said that we’d do this long distance thing, so I have nothing to worry about right?  I’ll just have to show him that we’re together no matter the distance between us.. 

That’s what I’ll do.  Tomorrow we’ll spend the day together, since all we have left is this weekend, and he’ll never want to leave.  I’m a whole hell of a lot better looking than any of these guys so why the fuck am I worried?  Fuck, now I am beginning to sound like some fucking whipped faggot.  Well not me.  Not me. 

Justin has no reason to be with anyone else.  He’s with me, and that’s where he has said he wants to be.  So why am I worried? 

* * * * * * * 

I walk into the loft, and see Blake standing in the kitchen.  A part of me is upset that he’s there, but I know that I can’t really say anything since he and Justin are friends.  “Blake,” I say as a greeting as I remove my jacket and reach in the refrigerator and pull out a beer.  “So what are your plans for this weekend?”  Just say that you’re not going to be around that’s all I ask. 

“As I’m sure you have already figured out, I’m never here on weekends.  Some friends and I are going up to San Francisco and just hang out,” he informed me as he cleans up the kitchen.  “Not that you would really care where I was at.” 

“I never said that,” I state as I move to the couch and turn on the TV.  It’s not that I don’t care.. I do in a way.  I mean with him gone, then Justin and I have the place to ourselves.  And I don’t have to worry about Blake interrupting anything.  “Have a good trip,” I tell him rolling my eyes slightly.  Maybe, after all this time with him here, I still can’t get over the fact that he had almost killed Ted… then put Ted through hell… maybe I just don’t trust him to NOT hurt Justin.  I don’t know, but I know that the less time that I’m with him the better.  It does seem that he has changed, I can’t fully deny that.  But then again, I do remember the time when all he cared about were the drugs, and he was just too into it to get the help that Ted was offering him.  Not that I am fond of Ted or anything.. but with him here with Justin, I can’t just ignore him completely either. 

All I know is that if he hurts Justin in any way.. I’m not going to be responsible for what I do to him.  I won’t let anyone hurt Justin, least of all a drug-addict – oops sorry Former drug-addict.  That’s Justin’s problem.. he’s too trusting, and too caring of other people.  I don’t think that he fully realizes things until it’s too late, and he’s too far into it.  But then again, he could be right, and it’s just my past history with people and things that make me reluctant to give that much power to someone. 

So why am I even thinking about a relationship with someone like Justin?  Why the fuck am I getting jealous over some two time photographer?  Okay.. so what if he’s hot, famous, and I’d fuck him in a heartbeat, and he has the money.  So what right?  He still shouldn’t have been that friendly with Justin.  It’s not his fucking job. 

Fuck!  This can’t be happening.. not to me.  There is no way in hell that I can be jealous.  I don’t do jealousy, never have and never will.  I can have anyone I want, and I know that for a fact.  I just don’t know what’s going on really.  Justin for some reason has brought out things in me that I never knew existed, never thought I’d be thinking, or doing.  I have lived by rules I have set for myself years ago, and now I meet this one man.. practically a kid, who makes me want to throw all that shit out the window.  He’s made me take a look at my life, and I’ve broken every rule I ever had for him.  Why? 

I feel arms wrap around me from behind, and I try not to kick myself for not paying closer attention.  I never heard Justin come in – so caught up in my own thoughts to even hear the loft door open.  “Hey,” he whispers against my ear, placing a light kiss right behind it.  “What you doing?” 

I reach around and pull him onto the couch with me, and quickly silence him with a kiss.  I plunge my tongue into his mouth, and begin to trace the contours within.  I could kiss him forever.  Justin pulls away slightly to sit on my lap, and run his fingers through my hair, rubbing and massaging my scalp.  “Nothing yet,” I breathe; pulling his lips back toward mine.  In the corner of my mind I wonder if Blake is still here.. then I realize I really don’t fucking care.  The only thing I want right now is Justin.  Mainly Justin naked on that bed.. on this fucking couch.. hell anywhere.  I think it’s time to show this kid why they call me the ‘stud of Liberty Avenue’ as he so adequately called me earlier. 

I pick Justin up suddenly, letting his legs wrap around my waist as I carry him to the bedroom.  I throw him in the middle of the bed, and look down at him.  “Stay, don’t move,” I command as I slowly begin to remove my clothes.  I begin by unbuttoning my shirt, slowly watching him as I reveal a new part of flesh with each move I make.  Justin begins to inch closer to me, and I stop what I’m doing.  “I said don’t move,” I tell him removing my hands from my shirt. 

“Brian,” he says almost whining.  “I just thought I’d help you out a little.” 

“No,” I tell him and I watch him dramatically collapse back down on the bed to watch the show.  Once I’m satisfied that he isn’t going to move I continue to remove my shirt, tossing it to the far end of the room.  I begin to run my hands over my chest, playing with my nipples, and moving down toward the edge of my jeans.  Justin’s eyes are half closed, watching my hands with interest, wondering what I am going to do next.  I must admit that there is some feeling of complete power that I get when he looks at me like that – the lust-filled glaze of his eyes, how his blue eyes shine with it.  I can feel my groin tighten with every breath he takes, every time he licks his lips in anticipation of what’s to come. 

With the same speed in which I did my shirt, I being to unbutton my jeans.  Each button slowly, carefully revealing the package hidden beneath it.  After two buttons, a realization hits me.. Justin is entirely too overdressed for this.  “Take off your clothes,” I command him, stopping what I’m doing so that I can watch him. 

Justin kneels up on the bed, and pulls off his shirt revealing his pale skin beneath it.  I almost have to bite my tongue from bending forward and tasting his flesh, as I watch him begin to remove his pants.  He decided to not go as slow as I was, and I am slightly pleased.  I love the power that I have over him, and I must admit I’m slightly frightened at the power he holds over my body.  Just the sight of him sends an immediate signal to my groin and I realize that my pants need to go. 

Removing my jeans and throwing them to the side, I push Justin down onto the bed and climb on top of him.  I place his hands over his head, trapping him as I begin to taste the flesh that he had revealed earlier.  Everything seems electrified, the smell of his hair, the taste of his skin, the feel of him beneath me.  Fuck!  Every time with Justin is new and exciting, I don’t know why but it is.  I don’t think that I can ever be bored with him. 

We’re both hard and I can feel the precum against my skin as I move over him.  Any thoughts of foreplay are shot out the window as I lean in and kiss his lips.  Diving my tongue into his hot mouth, I begin to lift his legs over my shoulders.  I reach over for the lube and place some on my fingers, then slide them into his waiting hole – stretching him, preparing him.  Justin reaches for the condom, and pulls away from the kiss long enough to rip open the package with his teeth.  I can feel his hands on me, stroking me, as he slowly places it over my hard cock.  There is something erratic about having your lover placing the condom on you that only makes the need to be inside of him that much more of a necessity. 

I place myself at his opening, pushing past the first ring, and deep into him.  Not waiting for him to adjust, I begin to pull out to the tip, then slam into him until I am fully into him.  Oh fuck.. he is so fucking tight that I almost lose it, but I take a deep breath, and continue to pump in and out of him.  His legs are near his head, hands still locked in my above him, as I lean in and kiss his lips.  I could drown in his kisses.. something I never thought possible with anyone. 

Justin gets his hands free and grabs a hold of my hair holding my head where it is, and diving his tongue deep into my mouth as I pump harder into him.  I feel the sharp intake of breath from him as I hit his prostate with each thrust, driving him crazy.  I move one of my free hands down between our bodies, and begin to tug on his stiff cock, bringing him to the brink and pushing him over.  Justin shoots between our bodies, as I ride out the waves of his orgasm, feeling him tighten around me. 

In and out.  Quick and short strokes.  Slamming into him, and hitting his prostate, I begin to feel myself tighten as his hold on me continues.  Finally, it becomes too much as I let myself go, shooting my cum into the condom. 

Collapsing on top of him, I lower Justin’s legs, and withdraw myself from him.  After depositing the condom, I pull him into my arms and pull the covers up over us.  No words need to be said between us, cause everything was said in those moments.  What I feel for him.. what he feels for me, nothing is in doubt.  There are no reasons to fear that this can’t work out between us.  Nothing will stand in our way. 

* * * * * * * 

As soon as I wake up, I call Cynthia from Justin’s place and make sure that everything is set and she is still set to leave later that day.  Justin curls in a little more to my side and begins to run his hand across my chest.  “I’m sure that there’s another part of me that needs attention,” I tell him grabbing his hand and moving it down my chest. 

“Really?  And what would that be,” he quietly laughs as I feel his hand wrap around my morning hard on.  Justin begins to place light kisses on my chest, taking one of my nipples into his mouth and sucked, pulling it into his mouth.  He bites lightly forcing a hiss to escape from my lips.  Justin leaves my nipples with a lick as he moves further down my body until he reaches my aching cock.  Justin looks up at me and I watch as he flicks his tongue over my slit.  Fuck, what this kid does to me. 

Justin continues to lick and kiss around my hard cock teasing me.  He takes my sack into his mouth and sucks, and I immediately lift my hips up into the air. “Fuck, just do it,” I say as I reach for his head and place him where I want him.  The little shit actually has the nerve to look up at me and grin.  “Quit teasing,” I tell him. Justin moves in and takes all of me into his mouth, then moving back up to the head.  I watch as he moves up and down my length, and all I can think of is how hot he looks.  One of his hands begins to caress my sacks while the fingers of his other hand glide across my hole. 

I know I’m about to lose it, I can feel the tightening in my balls, the feeling just too intense.  The moment I feel one of his fingers enter my ass, I shoot my load deep into his throat, while Justin opens his throat and takes what I can give him.  Fuck.. The feeling is too intense and I collapse fully back on the bed trying to catch my breath, as Justin moves in beside me and kisses me hard on the lips.  Pushing him onto his back, I roll over on top of him.  It was payback time. 

* * * * * * * 

Justin and I make our way though the crowds and head into Barneys.  I had told Justin that I wanted to see about getting a couple of new suits, and he had lead me here.  I can honestly say that this trip so far has been a fucking nightmare for me.  It seems like from the moment we got out of my rental we have been surrounded by people.  That wouldn’t be so bad if the majority of people weren’t all trying to get to Justin.. to touch Justin.  Alright so maybe I’m exaggerating a little, but that’s what it appears to be to me.. I mean I know that a lot of people are just going about their business and not bothering with us.. but damn. 

I pick out three new suits, and they take them out to be fitted, telling me they will be ready tomorrow for pick-up.  Justin and I leave the store and continue down the street, occasionally stopping in one store or another.  I pick something up for Gus, and have it shipped to my loft in Pittsburgh.  We went to Neiman Marcus and I picked something up for Lindsey that I know she would like.  I know that if I don’t get her something then my balls with be in a sling when I get back home.  I find myself actually enjoying this time with Justin.. just being a.. couple I guess.  Laughing at some of the things that we saw in the store windows, or some outfit that someone was wearing as they walked down the street.  It almost amazes me that people will hop in their car to go three fucking blocks.  Justin laughs at me and would say that it was LA.. no one walks here. 

It seems however, that everywhere we go I catch both men and women staring at Justin with lust in their eyes, all wanting him.  I can’t stop the uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach that if I’m not here Justin will find someone else to help occupy his time, to take to bed with him.  As the hours pass the feeling grows and grows.  I have to think of something, anything. 

“Hey what about this,” Justin says bringing me out of my thoughts. 

“What?” 

Justin laughs and shakes his head at me.  “Did you hear a thing I said?  What is there some hot looking guy around that I don’t know about?” 

I turn to Justin and pull his body flush against me looking into his bright blue eyes.  “Only one that I can see,” I say as I lean in to kiss him.  Justin pulls back slightly and I look at him.  “What?” 

“Sorry, it’s just that,” Justin says turning his head slightly.  “Well it’s my publicist.  He has warned me about stuff like this.. about not doing anything that could scare the ‘breeder crowd’,” he tells me not looking me in the eyes.  What the fuck is that?  Justin is one of the most open people I have met but here he won’t show these ‘Breeders’ who he is.  He’s out for fucksake.  I begin to wonder if he had done this with someone else, and got his ass reamed for it.  I don’t want to think about it.. don’t want to even think about who he was with, or what he was doing. 

Justin smiles brightly as he takes my hand into his own.  “Come one, let’s go.  Go somewhere that we don’t have to hide,” he says as he pulls me toward the car and we head off to West Hollywood.  I try not to think about how Justin has to hide who he is.. and the possible reason why.  Once we find a spot to park, we get out, and Justin takes my hand into his own.  I smile down at him, and lean in to give him a light kiss on the cheek, after of course seeing if it was okay.  I take a quick glance around and spot some of Justin’s admirers shaking their heads and moving about their business.  Take that fuckers.. he’s with me. 

* * * * * * * 

The club is larger than Babylon, but it still holds the same vibe that Babylon has.  Sweaty, muscular bodies grind against one another trying to get inside of their partner, as tons of horny men try to prove that they are the shit.  Justin and I make our way toward the bar like we own the place, and I try to ignore all the looks that Justin is getting.  When I had first seen him come out of the bedroom with those tight pants on, I almost said to hell with going out.  His pants seemed to form around his firm bubble butt, and cock…leaving nothing to the imagination.  Of course I wear tight fitting black jeans and my sleeveless button up shirt.. my usual ‘fuck me’ wear, as Emmett would call it. 

We order our beers and lean against the counter just admiring the view.  “You have no idea how long it’s been since I’ve been out to the clubs like this.” 

I look over at Justin and watch as the lights of the dance floor reflect off his body.  It gives him almost this surreal look to him, unearthly look.  I can’t take my eyes off of him.  “Yeah, and how long has that been,” I ask turning to face him instead of the mass of bodies on the dance floor. 

“God, it must have been almost three months ago since I’ve been here.  Work has been a pain in the ass, and then YOU come into my life, and well..the rest they say is history,” he replies taking a drink of his beer. 

“Yeah, history,” I smirk. 

“Hey, Justin,” this guy says coming up to the two of us.  “Long time no see.  Where have you been hiding yourself?” 

I know this guy, or at least I’ve seen his pictures and stuff around.  He’s some fucking famous actor, and I’m almost positive that he was nominated for some Oscar or something this past year.  Granted with the way he’s looking at Justin, devouring him with his eyes, standing close to him, touching him.. this damn actor better watch out or he will never get another job in this town.  His pretty boy looks will be no more if he continues to ogle what’s mine.  Justin and the kid talk, and I can’t help but feel the anger.. and dare I say jealousy course through my veins.  They seem close, and I know that this kid wants to fuck Justin. 

This shit has been going on all damn day.. some hot looking twink comes along and hits on Justin.  I’m used to guys hitting on me.. but seeing this, having to endure this shit, is becoming too much for me.  I know for certain that what Nick had said is true, no matter how much I wanted to deny it.  ‘Justin gets hit on every day.’   How the hell am I going to compete with this?  How can I keep them away and keep Justin to myself?  I mean, who’s to say that when I head back …home, that one of these guys won’t turn Justin’s head?  Won’t get him to say fuck it, and drop me like a bad habit?  The only thing is.. I have no idea what I can do, what I can give Justin to keep him around.  I know that with this account, I’ll be working out of the LA office a great deal, handling the Asian market, so it’s not like we wouldn’t see each other. 

I hear the guy ask Justin to dance and Justin tells him that maybe another time.  Another time… yeah when I’m gone back to Pittsburgh and you’re here all alone.. FUCK!  Okay, Kinney.. think.  Justin will be here, with all these successful, hot, available men, while I’m stuck in some hellhole far away.  What can I do to keep him with me, and not say fuck it.. fuck the long distance shit..‘Brian I found someone else…’ Fuck!  “So stud, wanna dance?”  Justin asks me and I look over at him and smile, hoping that my thoughts don’t show on my face. 

I smile down at him, and grab a hold of his hand.  Leading Justin out to the middle of the dance floor, I make sure I keep a close handle on him.  We dance closely, grinding our bodies together, letting everyone know that we are together. After about an hour or so, Justin and I move to the bar to get a drink. Justin moves away to go use the bathroom as I order the drinks.  I feel someone tap me on the shoulder and I turn to the person.  “Hey,” the guy says leaning into me. 

“Hey, fuck off,” I tell him. 

“Come on man.. I just wanted to talk,” he said.  I look the guy over and he is good looking.. someone I would do if I was desperate, I guess – or drunk.  “I was wondering if you wanted to hook up again sometime,” he tells me.  Fuck!  Now I know where I have seen this fucker before.  It was after the first ‘date’ with Justin.. after he had left me alone at my hotel.  I was feeling good, but fucking horny as hell, so I went to the clubs and picked this fucker up. 

I look at the guy, and a sudden feeling of dread creeps over me.  “I don’t do seconds,” I say.  I turn away from the guy and come face to face with Justin.  Fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK!  Justin just shakes his head and turns to leave.  Fuck! 

* * * * * * * 

I catch up with Justin outside of the club, and grab a hold of his arm turning him to face me.  “Look about that,” I begin. 

Justin closes his eyes for a second then looks at me calmly.  “Brian, it’s okay.  I mean I know who you are.” 

“It wasn’t like that.  That was before.. before we got together,” I explain.  I don’t know why I feel like I have to explain, but I do.  I don’t want him to think that I don’t want this between us, cause I do. 

Justin reaches up and runs his hand across my cheek.  “Brian, it’s okay.  Really.”  Although he tells me that I can see in his eyes that it’s not alright, that it has hurt him.  Now more than ever I know I have to come up with some way to keep him with me.  I have to try and think of something to keep us together.  And I think I finally know what I need to do. 

* * * * * *   
TBC… 

End of Part 7

Mihi cura futuri   
_My concern is the future_

  
This Chapter 8 in the "EXPERIENTIA DOCET" series.   
Narrated by Brian Kinney Featuring: Justin Taylor, and others   
Series Rated NC-17 and contains no warnings or spoilers.   
September 2002 Summary: Brian prepares to head back to Pittsburgh, but he makes a request of Justin.   
Disclaimer: no profit made… The Boys are not mine.. No matter how much I’d love to have them… 

* * * * * * * 

Lying in bed, I hold Justin close to my body, dreading what is to come as the day’s progress.  Tomorrow I’ll be on a plane heading back to glorious Pittsburgh, and away from Justin.  As much as I hate to admit it, that thought terrifies me to no end.  I’m not sure really why I’m so scared…but I know that Justin can have anyone here that he wants.  I had learned over the past couple of days that he desired by a shitload of people.  What would stop him from telling me to fuck off and just go with something easier? 

I have been doing a lot of thinking, especially since that little fuck-up last night.  The fact that the fucking trick came up to me asking for another shot in front of Justin…Fuck that shit.  The thing that got me really thinking is the fact that it hadn’t really bothered Justin.  I guess that I had wanted Justin to blow up, to cause a scene and when he didn’t … it just blew me away.  It’s almost like he’s resigned to the idea that we’re not meant to be.  I don’t like that… not one bit. 

So I had been trying to come up with some ideas… thinking of some ways to try and keep Justin with me.  All I do know is that I don’t want to lose him.  The one time that I have finally had these feelings, the time that I have finally found myself wanting to open up… I may lose it all because of my past, the way I am.  Can I change my ‘wicked ways’ in order to keep Justin with me?  Do I want to knowing that he may leave me standing alone holding my dick in my hand… with nothing left of myself? 

Justin curls up closer to me, and I look down at the top of his head.  He’s beautiful; there is no denying that.  He’s the one that had helped me realize that I needed to change.  I have just found the one person that I could see myself be with for years to come, and I also know that I may not be the type of person who can keep him.  Justin deserves the best.  And am I that person? 

* * * * * * * 

Slowly I notice Justin wake, and look up at me – his blue eyes shining brightly in the early morning light.  “Morning,” I whisper as I lean in and kiss him lightly on the lips.  Justin leans into me deepening the kiss, pushing his tongue into my mouth.  I pull him up to me so our bodies are flush against each other, cock to cock… chest to chest.  I run my hands up and down his back, moving down toward his ass.  I feel my cock stiffen as Justin’s hands move down my chest, tugging on my nipples. 

I feel Justin rocking against me, grinding our cocks against each other.  I want to be inside him now… I don’t want to waste anymore time.  I run my finger along his crack and insert a finger into his hole.  Justin takes my lips into his mouth, biting down on my lower lip, and tugs on my nipple.  The pain mixed with the need and pleasure that I am feeling pushes me closer to the edge.  I reach for the lube located on the nightstand near the bed.  Placing some on my fingers I push two then three into him, stretching him, preparing him.  I feel rather than hear his moan against my lips, resonating through his body. 

I push Justin away from me slightly so I can place the condom on my stiff cock.  Justin watches every move I make, and then sits up straight.  He lifts up and I hold myself erect as he lowers himself onto me, filling himself with my cock.  Once I am in him, he pauses taking time to adjust.  I place my hands on his hips as he starts to rise up and lower himself again, pushing me further into him.  I can feel his muscles clench around me, caressing me, as his hands are on my chest for leverage.  No words pass between us as he continues to move above me, as I feel my balls begin to tighten.  Sweat drips down off of his body landing on my skin, burning me. 

I reach around him, pulling him down against me and rolling us over.  With the new angle, I place his legs on my shoulder and push myself deeper into him, hitting his prostate in a solid thrust.  “Fuck,” Justin groans head thrown back in pleasure.  I bend him in half so I can kiss his lips, thrusting into him with short, quick jabs… always making sure that I hit that spot that will make him squirm.  I trace my lips down to his collarbone, biting the flesh there then licking the bruised flesh. 

I feel his cock trapped between our bodies, rubbing against my stomach.  Justin tightens around me, holding me inside him, and shooting his cum between our bodies.  I bite my lip pushing myself in and out of him through his orgasm, bringing myself to completion. 

I thrust in one more time, and then collapse on top of him, letting his legs fall from my shoulders.  We kiss lazily, both trying to catch our breaths, as we are coated in sweat and cum.  Never in my life would I have thought that I would be doing the laying together all wet and sticky bit, but here I am, holding onto Justin basking in the after glow of sex.  Something about him makes me break all of my old rules, and beliefs.  I am learning to be someone different; someone that I never knew existed.  I actually think I may like this person… now all I have to do is keep him with me so I can continue to discover myself… the person that has been so far buried deep within my psyche that I never knew was there to begin with. 

I roll off of Justin and remove the condom, throwing it away.  As I lay down flat, Justin moves in beside me and places his head on my chest.  We interlace our fingers and both just take comfort in this moment… both knowing that our time together is short.  I am not ready to leave… not ready to get on that plane tomorrow, not when I have just found something here.  Justin sighs deeply and I run my free hand up and down his back.  “What,” I ask. 

Justin shakes his head, but I know that something is bothering him… and I’m almost afraid of where this will lead.  “Nothing,” he begins.  I nudge his shoulder letting him know that I don’t believe him.  Justin site up and looks at me.  “Okay… but it’s nothing that can be changed.  So there’s really nothing that should be worried about… right?” 

I know what he means, and what he’s referring to.  “So what is going through that mind of yours,” I ask him running my hand across his cheek.  His skin is so soft and smooth that it makes my heart skip a beat thinking of what’s to come… what we are going to have to do soon. 

Justin leans in to my hand and closes his eyes, taking comfort in my touch.  Taking a deep breath, he opens his eyes and sits up.  “It’s just strange that you’ll be leaving tomorrow is all.  I guess I’ve gotten used to you being around.” 

I nod in agreement knowing full well what he’s feeling.  These past two months… okay so this past month and a half have been wonderful, and I know that things are about to change.  And not for the better, I’m afraid.  After last night, though, I know what I can do to ease his fears… to hopefully keep him around for a while.  “Well now that we have this account, I’ll be here in LA quite often handling the Asian Market.  Most likely at least one week a month, maybe more.  So it’s not like we’ll be apart forever,” I tell him.  Even after telling him this I’m not sure if it is enough to ease his fears, if I have to use the only other thing that I have… the one thing I’m sure will help my situation.  “And you’ll be coming to Pitts every once in a while.” 

“Yeah,” Justin says as he looks out the window across the room.  I sit up and lean against the headboard next to him.  I reach out and take his hand in my own.  We are complete opposites, Justin and I, in everyway.  It amazes me that we fit so well together.  Hell even I can tell that we belong together in just the short time that we HAVE been together.  I can’t imagine my life without him… I don’t even want to think about it.  “It’ll just be strange is all.  I mean I know that we can call each other, e-mail… whatever.  And it’s not like we won’t see each other in another week or so… but it’ll be strange, different,” he states still looking out the window.  He turns to me and smiles.  “But you’re right.  It’s not like neither one of us went into this whole thing thinking that we would always be … here.  And it’s not like we won’t be together… just not in the physical sense.  Am I making any sort of sense,” he finally laughs out. 

I laugh as well, since we are moving on to, I guess what one would refer to as another stage in our… relationship.  Fuck, I still can’t believe that one.  Brian Kinney in a fucking relationship.  I guess neither one of us knows what to make of all of this.  Things have moved in fast-forward in the past couple of weeks, and I’m amazed at myself for how far we’ve come, how close we have become.  “Yeah,” I say leaning in to whisper in his ear.  I pull Justin closer to me so he’s leaning against my chest.  I can’t help but wonder what the week will bring.  What will happen from when I step on that plane to when he arrives in Pittsburgh in a week and a half?  What will everyone back at home think about me with someone?  Fuck, I don’t even want to know what they will say. 

Mikey will be pissed I already know that.  I’m not sure what Lindsey will think.  Deb… fuck I’ll be lucky if she lets me out of the bear hug that she will undoubtedly give me, saying shit like how I’ve finally grew up.  Fuck!  I am NOT looking forward to that whole mess.  The other thing is Justin… it’s all I’ve thought of for the past couple of days.  How I can keep him with me, keep him interested in me.  The only thing I am certain of is that I’m not ready to give this up yet.  I want to try and see what it’s like.  Hell if it doesn’t work then no one can ever say that I had never been in a …relationship.  So I’ve thought long and hard on what I can do to keep him around.  It’s the only thing that I can give anyone.  I’m not all flowers, and walks in the park type of person, that’s just not me.  So what do I have that I can give someone?  It’s simple really… me. 

“Listen,” I begin not turning him to face me, cause I’m not sure I can say what I need to with him looking at me.  “I’ve been doing some thinking about this whole thing, and I want to propose something to you.” 

“Okay,” Justin states, looking down at our hands. 

“I think that… that maybe it would be a good idea if… if we…”  Fuck this is not turning out the way that I had rehearsed it in my mind.  I can’t even fucking say it!  If I can’t say it what else can I give.  Fuck!  I have to tell myself this isn’t for me really, this is for Justin, what Justin deserves. 

Justin turns toward me and straddles my hips.  “If we what,” he asks leaning his forehead against mine. 

I take a deep breath and slowly let it out.  I can do this.  I have to do this.  Why is it so hard to say it?  I laugh slightly at the absurdity of it all.  Who the fuck am I to even suggest this?  “Okay, but promise you’ll think it over,” I ask. 

“Okay.” 

“I…I care about you,” I tell him.  “And I was thinking that maybe we could … you know…try this whole … relationship thing.” 

Justin leans back a little and looks at me confused.  “Brian, we already talked about that.  I thought that’s what we were going to do.  What’s going on,” he asked. 

He has no idea how hard this is for me to even get to where I want to be.  I don’t know if I can even say the word, but yet he’s going to try and force it out of me isn’t he?  When did this shit become so complicated?  When did I even consider this whole… thing?  I know, in fact I can tell you the moment it first came into my mind.  It was that damn Neil, and the way he looked at Justin.  Then the next fucking day with all those guys just fucking staring, and lusting.  It still pisses me off that his publicist told him he can’t even kiss me in public…who did he do that with before?  Why did that little rule come about?  The thought of Justin with anyone else makes me sick, and I told myself that I wouldn’t let that happen.  Once you have gotten a taste you can’t let this go.  I can’t let this go, not now. 

I push him off of me and stand up, walking over to the window.  It’s getting harder to breathe in here.  I feel the walls closing in on me and I can’t even think.  “I mean… I mean really do it.  The whole fucking thing.”  I can’t even look at him, not quite sure I can do this, but I know that I have to make the offer.  I only hope I don’t fuck it up.  I turn to face Justin and I see the confusion written on his face.  He’s going to make me say it.  Okay… here it goes.  Just open my mouth and say the word… that’s all.  Then Justin won’t have any reason to even look at anyone else.  Right?  It’s that simple.  It’s just one word.  One fucking word.  “I mean like seeing each other and only each other.”  He better get this cause I can’t get the word out.  It won’t pass my lips… I’m trying I really am. 

“You mean monogamy,” he asks standing.  I roll my lips into my mouth and nod slightly.  Thank god he said the word cause there is no way I could.  “Brian… You can’t be serious.” 

Anger and frustration begins to boil up inside me.  Fuck that!  Here I am opening up to him, asking him something that I never thought I’d even consider.  Damn!  Fucking twat!  “Yes, I’m fucking serious.  Jesus Justin!”  I yell, and then head over to the side of the room to get my clothes.  I don’t need this shit. 

“Brian,” he says placing his hand on my arm before I can reach for my pants.  I begin to take deep breaths; cause all I want to do right now is run.  Run as far away from here as I can and never fucking look back.  Well it was fun while it lasted.  Fuck!  The one chance I had to see what everyone was talking about, and it’s already blown.  “Brian listen to me.”  I turn slightly and stare at the wall, not bothering to even look at him in the eye.  I hear Justin sigh as he moves to sit on the edge of the bed.  “I know who you are, Brian.  I know what you are.  I know that I could do that, but I’m wondering if you could.  If you really could.  I don’t want you making promises that you can’t keep, and I wouldn’t ask that of you.  I can’t!  I won’t.” 

Justin stands again and turns my face toward his own.  Looking into his eyes, I see into his soul.  I can see that he cares for me as much as I do about him, and I know he wants to be with me.  He’s right, in all honesty, but it doesn’t calm my anger any.  I hate it that he’s right.  He most likely could do that whole monogamous relationship crap.  But can I really do that?  Could I change that much?  Do I even fucking want to?  I guess that’s the real question.  “I can try.  I want to try,” I tell him honestly.  “This is just starting out.” 

“Are you worried that I’ll find someone else?  Is that why you brought this up,” he asks me, and I look away from him.  Yes, that’s what I think.  I mean come on, who wouldn’t.  “Brian, that’s not going to happen, Yes, I would love to be with you and only you.  That’s all I wanted from the first moment I felt you.  But I also know you,” he states. 

“You don’t know shit.  You know what Blake told you about me.  You only know what someone else told you.  How the hell do you know that I can’t do it?  Who the fuck are you to tell me I can’t fucking do it,” I yell letting the anger I’ve been feeling at this whole thing resurface.  Fuck! 

Justin nods as I begin to pull away from him.  “You’re right; I don’t know who you are there.  Only what you are when you’re with me.”  Justin moves back in front of me, and reaches out to touch my cheek.  “Okay, let’s give it a shot,” he says whispering against my lips as he leans in.  “Okay.”  I feel our lips touch and his quiet agreement.  I pull him against me hard, plunging my tongue into his mouth.  I know he doesn’t really think that I could do it, but I told him I would try, and I fucking will.  I will.  I’m not ready to give this up, not when I had just found it.  Fuck that.  I’m not making any promises except that I’ll try my hardest.  Who knows, maybe this will work out after all.  Maybe I can be … monogamous. 

* * * * * * * 

I stand in line at the check-in counter, with Justin beside me.  With all the stuff with 9/11 this will be as far as he can go.  A part of me is glad to be having the break away… with all the drama that went on this weekend I need to think.  But then the other part of me isn’t ready to head back without him.  I don’t want to leave him here.  We don’t talk as I step up to the counter for first class, and start checking in.  Justin smiles up at me, and I can’t help but smile back.  He has got to be the first person that has ever been able to keep up with me, who has kept me interested. 

For the first time in my life, I felt alive.  Really alive when I was with him.  I have never felt this way, and I’m not quite sure really what to make of it.  So maybe this week and a half away will work out for us.  Maybe it will give me time to think about what I really want, and what would be best for the two of us.  Being here, this close to him… I can’t think of anything but him.  The feel of his skin beneath my hands, the smell of his hair after a shower, the feeling I get being inside of him.  Nothing else matters to me when I’m with him.  We laugh, we talk, and we just enjoy being together.  I’ve never had that and it confuses the hell out of me. 

After the lady behind the counter hands me my ticket and takes my bags, Justin and I make our way through the crowd toward the security post.  Justin pulls on my hand, forcing me to turn to face him.  “Now, Nick and I will be there next week.  I’ll call you when I get the times and stuff.” 

I nod, and lean in a little.  To hell with what his publicist says, I’m not leaving here without at least touching him one last time.  Justin looks up at me, and brushes his lips against my own lightly, allowing me a small taste that leaves me wanting more.  I pull away slightly and lean against him resting our foreheads together.  “I’ll call when I get in, like I promised,” I tell him. 

“You better,” he says with a smile.  “So I’ll see ya later?” 

Justin pulls back even farther and I know that it’s time to go.  It’s time to head through those doors and leave him behind.  I force my legs to move, and start to turn away.  “Later,” I say letting go of his hand. 

“Later,” he answers back then turns to head back out toward the parking lot.  We had told each other that we didn’t want a huge ‘good-bye’ scene at the airport.  Hell it’s not like we’re not going to see each other again.  It’s only going to be a week… okay a week and a half, but who’s counting.  I watch him as he puts on his sunglasses and steps out into the sun.  Forcing myself to turn away, I head toward the security gate, and make my way through.  It’s time to go home… well time to head back to Pittsburgh. 

I wasn’t really sure how this whole thing would play out, and as draining as yesterday’s talk was… I feel better about leaving.  I know that Justin will be there.  It won’t be easy I know that.  Hell if I don’t screw things up a thousand times, and as long as I don’t lie to him, I think we should be pretty good.  Things just might work out. 

For the first time in my life… I actually feel good about tomorrow. 

* * * * * * *   
TBC… 

End of Part 8

** Fac ut vivas **   
_Get a life_

Part One   
    
This Chapter 9 Part One in the "EXPERIENTIA DOCET" series.   
Narrated by Brian Kinney Featuring: Michael Novotony, Emmett Honeycutt, Ben Bruckner, Ted Schmidt, Deb Novotony, Gardner Vance, Cynthia Morgan, Justin Taylor, and others   
Series Rated NC-17 and contains no warnings or spoilers.   
September 2002 Summary: Brian returns to Pittsburgh and has breakfast with the guys.   
Disclaimer: no profit made… The Boys are not mine.. No matter how much I’d love to have them… 

* * * * * * * 

I’ve been back almost ten hours by the time I walk into the diner for breakfast before work.  I know already that Mikey’s going to be pissed that I didn’t call him the moment I got to the loft, but I had a more important call to make.  Then this morning I plan to head straight to work to try and finish up the shit with this campaign.  Will I take great pleasure in seeing Vance’s face when I hand him not only Justin’s contract but Nicholas Brendon’s as well?  Two words… **hell yes**.  I just know that if he could he’ll shit a fucking brick.  He’ll try to hide it, his anger at being had… but I know that it’ll just tear him up.  He’ll know that as long as he wants those two doing ads for this company, he has to keep me around.  What a high it is knowing that he can’t touch me. 

I walk into the diner and spot the gang sitting in our usual spot.  It suddenly hits me that my life before I had gone out to LA was what I had feared it was.  Every day it is the same thing… hell we even sit in the same damn spot every fucking time.  Day after day, the same thing, and I feel that meeting Justin now was the right thing for me. 

Of course I still haven’t figured out what I’m going to tell the guys, if I’m even going to try and tell them.  What would they think about this whole situation?  Hell I’m still trying to figure this shit out.  I mean, I told Justin that I wanted a fucking monogamous relationship.  I really must have lost my friggin mind.  “Brian,” I hear Mikey yell as I move in to sit by him.  “When did you get back?” 

“Last night,” I say as I look over at Deb letting her know I need some coffee.  Hell I know that I’m going to most likely need more than coffee to get through the rest of the day.  But coffee is always a good start.  I hear Mikey go into his questions, and I bite my tongue to keep me from saying anything.  _‘Why didn’t you call me?’  ‘Where have you been?’_   Shit like that.  I want to tell Mikey that he has Ben now, he should just be happy with that, and not worry about me. 

So I tune them all out until I hear Emmett going on about something or another.  “Have you seen who will be in the latest issue of the Advocate?  The one with the hot young thing on the cover…” 

“Come on, Emmett.  We all know that actors only care about money, and fame.  They don’t care about anything but themselves,” Mickey goes on.  What little does he know?  Hell when did he become an expert on what actors are like? 

“I have everything that this hot little item has been in,” Emmett goes on.  Fuck, he’s one of those damn crazy fans that Justin had been chasing away all the time.  “I have already watched that show he’s on, and can I say that he was … ah, the things I could do to him.” 

This whole conversation is getting too strange for me.  Knowing what I know now, and seeing what it does to these people… it’s a wonder that more actors aren’t on drugs or something.  “You wouldn’t know what to do with him if he stood right here in front of you bare ass naked,” I say. 

“Which show is that,” Ted asks trying to ignore me.  Like that would ever happen. 

“Why Buffy the Vampire Slayer,” Emmett tells everyone and I almost spit out my coffee. 

“I love that show,” Mikey states, and he reaches for the magazine preview picture Emmett got off the internet.  I look over his shoulder and see a picture of Justin.  Fuck!  Emmett wasn’t kidding, Justin did look hot in this picture.  Suddenly I feel a chill running through me… I wonder if Neil shot these pictures of Justin.  That fucking ass hole.  I know he has the hots for Justin, and seeing how good Justin is in these pictures, I can’t help but feel that all Neil would need is an opening and he’d be there with Justin.  Fuck!  “He’s that new guy right… the wizard or something?  He is hot.  With those tight pants and everything.”  I guess Ben gave Mikey a look cause the next thing I know they kiss.  “You’re still hotter.” 

Mikey continues to look down at the picture, and I look around the diner wanting to be as far away from here as I can.  “What I wouldn’t do to meet him,” Emmett went on.  I can feel the jealousy starting to boil up within me.  “Did you see that one movie he did two years ago?  I got a copy of it from a friend who saw it.  It’s bootleg but Honey, let me tell you, there was a nice little shot of his ass… what I wouldn’t do for an ass like that, honey.” 

“I hadn’t seen that one.  I know he has a new movie coming out the end of this year, beginning of next,” Mikey goes on.  “They say that it’ll be out as soon as they pick up a distributor.  It’s still an indie film though.  But I hear it will be great.” Of course hearing my friends talk about Justin like he’s a fucking piece of meat is making me sick to my stomach.  And what the fuck is this about an ass shot?  That kid is going to have some explaining to do.  There’s only one person who is privy to that ass and that’s me.  Not my fucking friends!  “I hear he’s going to be at that Sci Fi convention in New York next month.  I already got my tickets.” 

Emmett sits there stunned, and I want to tell him that he can’t be more shocked then me.  Yes, Justin is hot, but he’s mine.  “And you are taking me right,” he asked Mikey.  Oh no… that’s the last thing that I want.  I can just see it now.  Emmett and Mikey fawning all over Justin, posters and pictures galore, wanting just one minute with him.  Fuck!  Why didn’t I realize that this is what my life was going to be like?  Now I’m glad that I didn’t tell them about Justin and I.  I don’t even want to think about what they would do if they knew I was seeing him… hell even knew him.  “The gay grapevine is buzzing over this man.  They say that he’s single, and looking for Mr. Right.  Imagine what it would be to have him to come home to every night.”  Like they would fucking know what to do with Justin. 

“Doesn’t he drive a motorcycle, and his favorite music is…” Mikey begins. 

“He loves David Bowie, Lou Reed, White Stripe, and even Junior Wells when he is relaxing, just to name a few.  He’s from Pittsburgh, you know.  Born and raised here,” Emmett goes on.  Yeah… born, raised and bashed here.  What a wonderful combination.  I don’t remember if that is in his bio, or if it’s really been out in the magazines and stuff or not. 

“I heard he is the same kid that was bashed here a couple of years ago… remember that,” Mikey asked.  Fuck… okay I guess it is out somewhere. 

“Where did you hear that at?” Emmett asks leaning forward so he can hear Mikey better. 

“On the Justin-addicts message Board.  Misfit said that he knew Justin back when he was living here… and that he went to school with him.  He said that Justin was attacked by a fellow student a couple of years ago,” Mikey said.  Fuck!  What is that shit?  People getting on these boards and shit and writing things that shouldn’t be put there.  “Who on the show do you think they’ll hook him up with?” 

“I could see Spike of course… could you imagine that one,” Emmett goes on.  Okay these two are too far into this to even acknowledge.  They’re starting to scare me. 

Coming here was a bad idea I know that now.  Hearing Mikey and Emmett and their **_‘Justin Taylor appreciation society’_** is making me sick.  Just the thought of Justin with one of them… hell anyone else is sickening.  Before I can say anything about stalking laws or something else derogatory, my cell phone rings.  I don’t even look at the caller ID as I flip it open and answer.  “Yeah,” I say wanting to scream at this fucking mess around me.  A part of me knows that since everyone is already here, well minus the munchers, that I can’t answer my usual fashion.  I have to play nice, which is the last thing on my mind. 

“Hey,” I hear the voice of the man who has been the hot topic today.  “What are you doing?  Are you busy?” 

Just hearing his voice sends me into a tailspin.  My heart starts racing, my cock almost instantly hardens, and it seems as if the world just fades away.  Fuck!  What this kid does to me…and he won’t even be here for another week and a half.  “Not much, and no.  Shouldn’t you be on your way to work?  It’s what…Almost five.” I ask him looking at the clock on the wall.  “Don’t tell me they let you have the day off.” 

I hear Justin laugh, and I smile slightly.  His laughter has a way of making others around him happy… that and his damn smile.  “I’m at work already, have been for an hour.  I’m on break.  I’m finished with make-up and just waiting to start, so I’m just sitting here talking to you.  Is that a problem?” 

“Just sitting there,” I ask him with a small smile on my lips. 

“Why you want a repeat of last night,” he asks and I can hear the laughter in his voice. 

Just thinking about our _‘talk’_ last night sends an immediate signal straight to my groin, and I try to shut out the images going through my mind of his naked body laying beneath me.  Fuck, that little twink.  He knows exactly what he’s doing and how to make me smile.  “You’re bad, you little sex fiend you.  Why didn’t you tell me that the magazine was going to be out?”  By this time, I completely shut out anything and everything around me.  I know that it is a mistake on my part, but right now all I care about is Justin, and what he has to say. 

“It was a surprise.  In fact I have to go to the party for it.  It’s amazing, I thought it wouldn’t be out until next issue,” he tells me.  “I hope I don’t look too bad in the pictures.” 

I smile at his innocence.  It amazes me that after everything that he’s been through, everything that he’s done, he can still be unsure of himself.  I know that he doesn’t want to look bad in anything that he does, and he still to this day has a belief that he’s no good.  No matter what I tell him, or anyone else for that matter, he still feels that he is a terrible actor, and that he should just quit while he’s ahead.  I wonder if it’s some after effect of what he’s been through… both with his parents, the school, and the bashing.  What happened that had given him these insecurities about himself?  It’s something that I’ll need to ask him when I see him next.  This is something that we’ll have to work on.  “I’m sure it will look great, Justin.  You worry too much.  Who shot the pictures?”  The sharp intake when I said Justin’s name finally registers in my brain.  Fuck!  I guess my secret is out. 

“Neil… you remember him, right.  I told you he did the pictures for that.  He’s supposed to be there at the party so I’m going to see what he’s come up with for the ad.”  Great not only did Neil take the pictures, he’s going to be at the party… and I just sent Justin right to him.  Fuck! 

“So do you and Nicholas have your tickets yet,” I ask him wondering when I will see him again.  Not that I’m anxious or anything, but…but hell I don’t know, all I know right now is I have to get my mind off of him and Neil. 

“Yeah,” he says.  “We’re scheduled to land in Pitts next Wednesday at two fifteen.” 

I hear quiet whispers from the guys and I close my eyes, wanting everything to just disappear.  Realizing that I’m screwed, I stand up and walk outside of the diner.  They don’t need to hear anymore of my conversation.  I’ll deal with the fallout of this later.  “So where you staying,” I ask silently hoping that he’ll say what I want him to say. 

“I could always stay at the same hotel that Nick and his wife are… but….” He begins.  I can see where this is heading and I smile to myself.  “I know this guy there who said that I should come and see his loft.  So I thought…” 

I take a deep breath trying to calm my nerves.  “Really?  What’s this guy like?” 

Okay so I’m fishing… can you blame me?  “Well he’s hot, an incredible kisser, oh and he’s great in bed.”  I have to laugh at his description.  “And I figured that I might as well spend some time with my boyfriend while I’m there.” 

Hearing him call me that brings me hope that things will work out between us… that this long distance thing just might work.  “Really?  So when do you get done tonight?” 

“Around ten or so.  Want me to call you when I get home,” he asks. 

“Yeah,” I tell him.  I know I won’t be able to sleep tonight without talking to him.  Somehow I realize that I sleep better with him near, or at least talking to him.  I’ve gotten so used to it, that now… now it’s hard not to have my little ‘Justin fix’.  Of course a phone call isn’t as good as the real thing, but it’s better than nothing.  “I better let you get back to work.” 

“Yeah, I better go see what’s going on.  Later,” he says. 

“Later,” I reply back.  We never say good-bye to each other, and truthfully I’m not sure why.  Since that day that we had first met, it’s always been later instead of good-bye.  I think that word would get stuck in my throat if I ever tried to tell him that.  I don’t ever want to know what it will feel like.  I put my cell back in my jacket pocket and briefly wonder if it would be better to just leave… leave all the questions that I know they will be asking me if I go back in there.  It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out who I was talking to, and that someone was the very topic of discussion since I had walked into that room. 

Taking a deep breath, I pull open the door and decide to meet this head on. 

* * * * * * * 

The moment I sit down I know that this was a mistake.  I should’ve done what I had thought of and left… but no I had to try and face the music.  This is the last time I do this. Mikey seems pissed, why I don’t know.  Emmett is practically jumping out of his skin, Ted… well I don’t think that he really cares one way or the other.  Ben… well who knows with him.  And just my fucking luck that Deb has decided to make her way over to us at the exact moment that Emmett opens his mouth.  “You know Justin Taylor,” he asks. 

“What,” Deb practically yells.  She pushes Ted out of the way and sits down across from me.  Just what I need another person of Justin’s fan club.  Knowing now that they have the connection to what happened three years ago, I wonder what they all think about it.  Do they care?  Did they care at the time?  They hadn’t made the connection until they had seen something on the message boards.  Hell I didn’t either at first, but for me it was more personal.  Deb I know was all over it, with her gay rights campaign and wanting to march down to city hall when they had let the fucker go. 

I look up from my coffee and sigh.  “He’s doing an ad for Vanguard.  That’s why I went out to LA,” I explain not wanting to get into everything with them now.  Okay, maybe not ever.  “And yes,” I begin before the other question I know that will come can be asked.  “He is coming here next week to finish the ad.” 

“I would love to be able to have him come and talk with my class about what it’s like for him there,” Ben says looking at me.  “Do you think that it might be possible?”  At least he’s asking.  I nod, letting him know that I’ll ask, but promising nothing. 

Emmett is practically bouncing up and down in the booth, and I try to stop the urge to reach across and strangle him.  “You just have to introduce us,” he says. 

“Why?” I ask not even wanting to think about Justin anywhere near this crew.  “He’s going to be busy with the ad, and I don’t think that he’ll have the time to do anything else.” 

“You fucked him didn’t you,” Michael practically yells.  I swear that the whole fucking place just went silent.  You can hear a pin drop in the place. 

I don’t answer his question; they don’t need to know who I fuck.  It never mattered before so why now?  I pick up my coffee cup and take a drink.  I’m definitely going to need something stronger; there is no doubt in my mind.  “Well there goes any chance that any of us may have had,” Ted says looking across the table at me. 

“Why do you say that?” Emmett asks.  “We all know that he only does someone once… so the field is still open.” 

“Like hell it is,” I say before I realize what I’m doing.  “Fuck it, I’m out of here.” 

As I stand up to leave I feel Deb’s hand on my arm.  “What’s the matter with you,” she asks. 

I look over at Emmett and at everyone sitting there waiting for some explanation.  “Let’s just say that the ‘gay grapevine’ is a little behind the times,” I say throwing my money on the table and left.  Okay… so I just outed myself to everyone.  Yes… Brian Kinney has a fucking boyfriend.  Fuck!  I don’t know why I said that.  It’s not like it’s any of their damn business who I fuck or not.  But hearing them go on and on about Justin like that… 

I know that I should’ve stayed and explain what I meant, said something.  Well something besides what the fuck I did say.  I bet right now they are wondering if hell has frozen over, or saying shit about the apocalypse being here.  I really don’t want to mess with anyone or anything right now.  I am not ready to try and explain myself to them… hell I don’t need to explain myself to anyone.  I’m Brian Kinney.  No apologies, no regrets.  Fuck that shit. 

I don’t want to deal with that right now.  All I want to do is go home, and drink myself into oblivion. 

* * * * * * * 

I walk into the office, knowing that when I leave here I’ll be getting hell from Mikey and the guys.  I only hope that they wait until after work.  The last thing I need now is for a million phone calls from the gang.  I walk past Cynthia and set my briefcase on my desk so I can pull out the papers and information on the whole deal.  “Vance said that he wants to see you as soon as you get in,” she said with a smile.  She’s been fucking ecstatic since we got the contracts signed.  I know what she means… this is our chance to prove to Gardner Vance that he can’t push us around. 

I pull out the file, and grab the cup of coffee in her hand, downing it, drowning all thoughts of this morning out of my mind.  Setting the cup on the corner of my desk, I smile at my assistant.  “Time to meet his majesty,” I tell her as I head out the door and down the hall to Vance’s office.  By the time I reach his office I calm myself enough so that I don’t have a smug look on my face.  I can’t wait to shove these contracts in his face, and see him try to pull it off as if HE had planned it that way.  After the shit he tried to pull on me while I was away, saying that if I couldn’t do it then he would find someone who could.  Well fuck him…I showed him. 

I walk into his office and sit down in the chair across from him.  “So Brian, do you have the contracts?”  I grab the file I have in my lap and hand him the paperwork.  With the stuff in his hand, he opens it and begins to look it through.  “So I assume that everything went smoothly?” 

“Right as rain,” I say.  “Everyone will be here next week to finish up the project and we should be set for OUR meeting with Mr. Jacobs at the end of the week.”  I have the whole thing planned out, and I know that if I don’t make sure that I stress that it will be our meeting he’ll fucking try and shut me out again.  Of course I don’t think that I was supposed to know about the meeting, but then again, Cynthia and the grapevine pulls through again. “I’m positive that Mr. Jacobs will be pleased with the outcome.” 

Vance looks through the file and I know when he spots the extra contract sitting in the file.  His face pales a little more, and his eyes widen.  Of course I’m trying to wipe the smile that is threatening to surface.  Smug bastard.  “I wasn’t informed of this new addition,” he states, trying to pull it off as if I had made a mistake. 

“It was a last minute addition.  Mr. Brendon came with Mr. Taylor to the shoot, and stated that he would be thrilled to be included in the deal,” I tell him.  I can almost see the steam coming out of his ears.  He’s pissed that as of this moment he can’t fucking touch me.  He knows that since what is in the contract that he has to watch out how he treats me.  If I leave…so does his contracts with Justin and Nicholas.  Sucks to be Vance. 

We sit and talk a little more about the deal, and after an hour I head back to my office.  I can see the smile on Cynthia’s face, and the question in her eyes.  I grin back at her as I walk in and close my door.  Fuck Vance!  He thinks that he can get rid of me, and that he can do this shit without me.  He thinks that I don’t know how to do my job and that he can do a better job than me?  Well fuck him.  He knows now that without me… he’ll be shit up a creek. 

Since I really didn’t have to be in today, I tell Cynthia after lunch time that I’m heading out for the rest of the day.  I have too much shit I have to do, and sitting around the office isn’t one of them.  I want to have everything done by the time Justin calls around 10.  That’s one phone call I don’t want to miss. 

* * * * * * 

Somehow I knew that this was coming the moment I stepped out of the elevator.  I knew that Mikey would be making an appearance at my door sometime tonight, so I just opened the loft door, and headed toward the bedroom to change.  Nothing was said during that time, but I knew that Mikey was just waiting until he had my attention.  Walking toward the kitchen I grab the bottle of Beam, filled a glass and moved toward the living room.  Sitting on the couch, I brace myself for the confrontation I know is coming.  “So when were you going to tell me,” he said standing in front of me. 

I looked up at him and shrugged, downing my drink.  Standing I headed back to the kitchen to pour me another drink, and I feel him behind me.  I know he’s disappointed that I didn’t fill him in on what’s going on… but hell it’s not like he’s filled me in on all the shit that’s been going on in his life lately.  I’ve noticed that these past couple of years our friendship has changed.  I’m no longer number one on Mikey’s list of priorities.  I know this… and in a way I’ve accepted it.  He’s got a life now… a life away from me, separate from me.  We’ll always be friends, but we’ve both grown up… and maybe grown a little away from each other.  As much as it pains me to think that, I know it’s true.  We’re not those young kids anymore. 

“What, you and Emmett foregoing the worshipping at the ‘Alter of Justin Taylor’ tonight?” 

“This isn’t funny.  What the hell do you think you’re doing?” he asked me. 

I turn to face Mikey and I can see that he’s not amused.  “Oh come on now, Mikey.  Not ten hours ago, you thought he was the hottest little thing.  I was wondering who was the head of the Fan club… you or Emmett.” 

“I’m serious,” he said looking at me.  He seems a little pissed off, and I can say that I don’t blame him.  Okay, I think he’s totally over-reacting, but there’s only so far that I’m going to go with this whole conversation.  “What is going on?  We’re best friends, we tell each other everything.” 

I take a deep breath and let it out slowly.  What do I tell Mikey?  How do I explain my relationship with Justin to him.  “What do you want me to say, Mikey?  Justin’s a great guy, we talked about … hell everything.  I had a great time with him.  He’s coming here, and I plan on spending time with him while he’s here.  What do you want to know?  Did I fuck him?  Yes, we slept together… more than once even.  Fuck I can’t even think of the number of times we were together.  He’s funny, he’s smart, he’s…What do you want me to say?” 

I shrug and move back to the couch.  I knew that if they found out that I was seeing Justin… hell if anyone found out, they would freak out.  “Are you two seeing each other?” he asks.  “Are you… dating him?”  I turn away from him not looking him in the eye.  Mikey stands there in shock, and he doesn’t look happy.  “You’re dating him?!  I thought you didn’t to that.  I thought you said you didn’t believe in all of that crap.” 

“Mikey… you wouldn’t understand.. hell I don’t understand.  Trust me when I figure it out, you’ll be the first to know.  But until then I’m going to go about my business, and see where things lead me… lead Justin and me.”  I can see that he’s still pissed and I stand next to him.  “Mikey,” I begin trying to get his attention.  “Mikey, listen.  I have no fucking clue what’s going on.  I know that for right now… this is right.  My fucking life is at a stand still.  Everyone is moving forward and I’m stuck in a fucking time warp.  This is my chance Mikey.  I thought you’d be happy for me.” 

“You don’t believe in love… or boyfriends,” he said, and I can see the sadness in his eyes.  I know that Mikey has always had this thing for me… he always wanted to be the one for me.  But I’ve never felt that way about him before.  I have never wanted that type of relationship with him.  “Why now?” 

“Fuck if I know,” I laugh slightly.  “I’m feeling things here Mikey that I have never felt before.  I’m thinking things and doing things that I never dreamed I’d be doing or thinking.  I have no fucking clue, and it scares me to death.”  I move closer to him and pull him closer to me so our foreheads rest against one another.  “Mikey… I have no idea what I’m doing here.  We’ll always be there for each other… no matter what, that won’t change.” 

Mikey nods, and pulls away from me.  I know that he’s not satisfied with my answer, and I don’t know if I really care.  I wanted to tell him he’s a fucking hypocrite if he thinks that I can’t have a shot at what he and Ben have.  That I can’t change.  I want to yell and curse him for thinking that I can’t change, and find some sort of happiness.  But instead I use the only thing that I know will work with Mikey…sexual tension.  He lives on it… the game we’ve been playing each other for years.  He fucking thrives on it.  Always waiting for the day that I will give him what he wants, or think that he wants.  Well fuck that.  I won’t fuck him, not now, not ever.  That’s not what I want or need. 

No matter what I feel for Mikey it will never be enough for him.  I stand there watching as he heads out of the loft, and I wonder what our friendship will be like now.  Will he be there for me like he always has been?  Will my seeing Justin change everything for me.. for Mikey and I?  I don’t know.  I don’t know if forced to choose, who I would.  Would I choose Mikey, or would I chose Justin?  All I know is that I hope it doesn’t come to that.  Cause I’m not ready to give up what I have started with Justin.  This is my only chance at something real, and I’m willing to do anything to keep it, keep him around for a while.  Mikey just may lose, and I don’t know if I’m really ready to let go yet. 

* * * * * * * 

Ten o’clock comes and goes, and I sit on the fucking couch waiting for the damn thing to ring.  I don’t know what to think anymore.  The more time that passes without word pisses me off more. I can’t believe this shit.  Justin is at that Party that he has to go to.  He didn’t say that it was tonight, and he said that he’d be done with the studio by now.  So where the fuck is he?  What the fuck am I doing here waiting for his call when more likely he’s out fucking someone?  Okay, I know that I’m being irrational, but dammit I think I have a right!  He thinks I can’t do this shit… this fucking monogamy shit?  Well look where the fuck he’s at? 

I pour me another drink, and somewhere in the back of my mind I know… I fucking know that this won’t help matters any.  If anything it will make everything worse.  But do I stop?  Fuck no!  I’m well fucked by the time 10:15 rolls past, and I quickly take note that the bottle is almost empty.  What’s a guy to do?  It’s not like I’ve ever been in this sort of position before.  It’s not like I’ve ever thought that I would be in this position.  The only thing that runs through my mind is that party, and WHO is on the guest list.  I know that that fucking Neil is there, Justin said as much.  And that fucking prick isn’t hiding the fact that he wants Justin.  The way they were together at the shoot… the fucking subtext and shit.  Fuck!  I know that Justin was disappointed that I had to leave, but what the fuck am I supposed to do?  I have a job, and I can’t just up and leave it. 

I pick up the phone and start to dial his cell.  Hearing the damn voice mail message, I hang up without leaving a message.  What the hell am I doing?  I just bet that Justin hasn’t called cause he’s unable to.  It’s the reason WHY that I don’t like.  I mean I know that he’s busy and shit… but dammit he said that we could make this whole long distance thing work.  It hasn’t even been a full 36 hours and he’s already off fucking someone else.  That little fucking shit.  Yah, he was hurt I left, and I just bet that that fucking ass hole Neil is just lapping it up.  I bet he’s trying to make Justin get over his sadness.  FUCK! 

I throw the bottle across the room, stand and head toward the bedroom.  This calls for some fucking payback.  Fuck him and fuck his long distance shit.  I’ll show him just who I am.  He says he knows all about me… well if he did then he wouldn’t be out fucking some ass hole.  _‘Want me to call you when I get home?’_   Well fuck that. 

Grabbing my jacket and keys, I storm out of the loft.  There’s only one place that I can think of that will take my mind off of that little fucking twink.  Fuck him and his crazy ideas.  I need to wash the bad taste out of my mouth.  I can’t believe that I actually bought into it.  I actually believed that we could make this work.  Well I’m not going to be sitting around waiting for him to decide what the fuck he wants.  Not me. 

* * * * * * * 

I walk into the Baths, and pay the attendant.  Now this is where I belong… not waiting by the phone for some fucking little twinkie to call me.  No.  I strip and begin to walk the halls.  Looking into the rooms lining the hallway, I begin to feel the tension that had been building all day start to leave.  This is where I belong.  This is the person I am.  On my way to the baths, I had stopped by and saw Anita for a quick fix, and I can feel the Special K take effect with each step I take deeper into the bowls of the Baths.  Out of the corner of my eye, I spot something of interest in one of the rooms. 

I walk in and drop my towel, looking over the dark haired, muscular body before me.  This is my type.  What Justin is… is frankly the opposite of everyone I had ever had.  Fuck, I swore to myself that I wouldn’t think about that little twat here.  Without any words passed, I feel the man’s hand on my cock, rubbing his thumb over the head.  Oh yeah.  I feel as he begins to stroke my length, forcing my blood to flow straight to my cock.  The drugs only enhancing the feeling of his warm mouth around my member, his hands cupping my balls.  I place my hands on his head and start of fuck his face, needing to get a release. 

I pull the trick to his feet before he can get me off and push him down onto the bench.  Placing a condom on my still hard cock, and slam deep into him.  Fuck being gentle, fuck caring if he’s uncomfortable or not.  This isn’t about him… it’s never about them.  There is only one thing that matters, and that’s me… my fucking needs.  And there’s nothing wrong with getting one’s needs meet… right?  As I slam into the guy’s ass I clear my mind.  No caring, no dreams… nothing.  The trick shoots his load, and I feel his ass tighten around me.  Pushing harder and faster, I move myself toward my own release.  Closing my eyes, I can only groan as I cum. 

Pulling out of the guy, I throw the condom in the garbage and walk down the hall.  After at least two more stops, I notice that it’s three a.m. and I need to get back home to rest before work in a couple of hours.  After getting dressed, I leave the Baths with a satisfied smile on my face.  Take that Justin Taylor.  You think that you can fuck with me? 

* * * * * * * 

I close the loft door, and walk toward the bedroom.  The message light on the answering machine is blinking at me, and I shake my head.  Pressing play as I make my way up the steps I hear the voice of the man I had been waiting on all night.  “Brian?  Hey… listen, I guess you’re not home. It’s about 9:30, and I just wanted to let you know that I’m heading out now.  I forgot all about that fucking party tonight.  I’ll call you when I get there.  I was hoping that you’d still be there, I mean it’s only like what…12:30 or so there?  Okay… I guess I’ll try back later.” 

I freeze in my tracks when I hear the message.  “FUCK!”  I can’t believe that I forgot all about that.  How could I forget something like that?  Fuck! 

“Brian,” comes Justin’s voice again on the machine.  “I guess you’re still not home.  What the fuck are you doing out on a work night at 1,” his voice laughs.  I feel like such shit.  “Okay… uh, I just wanted you to know that I’m at the party, and I’ll call you just as soon as I can.  I don’t think I’m going to stay long… only a couple of hours.  I’ll call when I get home.  It should be around midnight or so… my time.  Fuck, I hate this whole time difference shit.  Okay, I’ll talk to you later.” 

I sit down on the bed, and run my hands over my face.  Fuck, fuck, fuck!  How could I be so fucking stupid?  He didn’t forget… he was just busy with work.  I can’t believe that I forgot about the time difference.  I smile slightly at how quick I was to judge, how quick I was to just believe the worst.  I can’t believe that I got so worked up over nothing.  Fuck… I am new at this shit. 

“Brian… Jesus what are you doing,” Justin’s voice laughs.  “I hope you’re not working too hard.  Or maybe that your friends are keeping you out late.  It’s a work night, you should be resting.  But then again, who am I to say shit,” he laughs again.  I know that he’s joking, I can hear it in his voice.  Then it hits me… Fuck!  I rush into the bathroom and let what little food I have in my stomach out, as Justin’s voice continues to ring through the loft.  “Well, I won’t bother you again tonight.  You should get some sleep.  It’s almost midnight here, and I have to be at the studio at four, so I guess I better head home to get some sleep myself.  I just wanted to let you know that … I miss you,” he said quietly and it makes me feel even worse.  “Later, Bri.  I miss you.” 

“What the fuck have I done?”  I can only sit there by the toilet and place my head in my hands.  I am so fucked.  I believed the worst, and now… 

When I had left LA I had told myself that I would be able to keep my promise to Justin... but the first sign of trouble… fuck!  How am I going to explain this?  How do I tell him that I fucked up?  I want to call him back, to tell him I miss him … that I’m sorry I wasn’t here when he called.  But the sensible part of me knows that he’ll ask where I was.  He’ll wonder what I was doing all night.  How in the hell do I tell him about what I had done?  Who I had done…. Fuck! 

The first test and I fuck it up.  No… I won’t tell him.  That will work.  What Justin doesn’t know won’t hurt him, right?  He didn’t think that I could do it anyway, so why let him know?  That’s what I’ll do.  I’ll just forget about it… not tell him.  He doesn’t need to know, and everything will be alright.  I learned my lesson.  I’ll remember next time.  Yeah, that’s what I’ll do.  Just take it as it is… a lesson. 

I just hope to god that he never finds out. 

* * * * * * * 

 


	2. Carpe diem Seize the day

This is Chapter 9 Part 2 in the "EXPERIENTIA DOCET" series.   
Narrated by Justin Taylor Featuring: Neil, Nicholas Brendon, Anthony Stewart Head, BTVS cast, Brian Kinney, and others   
Series Rated NC-17 and contains no warnings or spoilers.   
September 2002 Summary: Brian has returned to Pittsburgh and Justin is now faced with uncertainty.   
Disclaimer: no profit made… The Boys are not mine.. No matter how much I’d love to have them… 

* * * * * * 

I hardly get any sleep during the night.  Dreams of Brian danced though my head, and I could see him whenever I closed my eyes.  I can smell his scent in the sheets, feel him on my skin.  I don’t know how I’m ever going to get through 10 days without him.  It’s funny that I had always done what needed to be done, always for others and never caring about myself, never needing anyone.  Now… now I find that I need someone there with me.  Someone to help chase away the sadness that still lies deep within me.  The one person I thought I would never find.  The other half of my soul. 

I’m not naive, and I’m not stupid. I know what I want, what I need.  I guess I just am afraid that once I have it, I’ll lose it.  I know that I’m still pretty fucked up.  I know that between Hobbs, my dad, my mom.. hell so many people in my past, I know that they did a number on me.  I’m fucked up; there is no doubt about it.  But I think I’ve found the person who I can share all of that with…share all the stuff inside. 

I head to work early Monday morning, almost dreading the day before me.  This will be one hell of a long day. 

All I know right now is that I love Brian.  I know that he had said he could be monogamous, but I am so afraid that he won’t be able to follow through with it.  I hope he can, I even pray for it… but am I sitting around holding my breath?  No.  I can’t… I won’t.  God do I wish that he could.  I want to believe him.  I want to believe that we can make it work… but I’m a realist if nothing else.  I know that the likely hood of us working out is slim to none, but I can hope for it right? 

I walk into the studio and head straight toward make-up.  I have to get my ‘bruises’ worked on for today’s shoot.  I can honestly say that I love this job.  I love working with these guys.  They have made me feel right at home.  It’s the only reason why I get up in the morning. 

It’s still hard to believe that a year ago…hell five months ago, I was ready to hand in the towel.  Despite the fact that I had been in at least one movie, and I had offers on the table… I still felt as if my life was out of my hands.  That I had no one.  Now, sitting here in this chair, I feel that I have a family.  I have friends who will watch my back… and a lover who is willing to put his reputation on the line … all for me. 

I can’t help but wonder what my life would be like if I had stayed in Pittsburgh.  If I had stayed in that hell.  Would I have followed my father’s ‘orders’ and denied who I was?  Would I be in college… most likely Dartmouth since that’s where Craig wanted me to go?  I don’t know.  All I know is that for the first time in my life… the first time since I had meet Chris Hobbs, my life is going great.  That only brings me to my next thought… what happens when I go back there?  Do I tell my mom that I’m coming?  Will I even be allowed to see her and Molly?  Will I run into Chris Hobbs?   I hope to god I don’t.  I don’t even want to think about that. 

I know that I’m still suffering from what had happened.  I have the evidence every day of my life in the form of a shaky right hand, and that small scar near my temple.  That’s the way of life I guess.  I try not to think about it at all.  Forget that I was ever a victim.  Forget that my dreams had been taken from me.  I can’t think about it… it’s too painful.  So I just bury it.  I’ve buried it soo far down within my psyche that I’m afraid to even go back to that town.  I’m afraid that if I go back there… everything that I have lead myself to believe in the past three years has been a lie.  And I have been lying to myself.  There is no doubt about that.  I am the perfect subject to have his head examined.  Maybe someday, but not today… most likely not for a long time. 

Once they are finished with me, I step out of the small trailer and walk over to my own.  Thinking about that place, about the past has left me feeling alone… lost.  Pulling out my cell, I dial a now familiar number, and await the response.  “Yeah,” he says, and I can almost hear the stress in his voice. 

“Hey.  What are you doing?  Are you busy?”  I smile into the phone.  I want to tell him that just hearing his voice makes me hard.  Just hearing his smooth voice sends my heart racing.  God how I love this man. 

“Not much, and no.  Shouldn’t you be on your way to work?  It’s what…Almost five.  Don’t tell me they let you have the day off.”  I can hear the sarcasm in his voice.  He’s loving this… I just know it.  I laugh.  Just the thought that I had the day off, and the knowledge that he actually knows my schedule amazes me. 

“I’m at work already, have been for an hour.  I’m on break.  I’m finished with make-up and just waiting to start, so I’m just sitting here talking to you.”  I decide that maybe a little payback might be in order… and well maybe I’m fishing for information.  “Is that a problem?” 

“Just sitting there?” He asks me, and I can just imagine what he’s thinking about. 

“Why you want a repeat of last night,” I laugh.  Last night I had called him around 10, and we talked for like two hours.  Fuck, my phone bill this next month will be a pain.  But it was well worth it.  It’s hard to believe how much I got off just talking to him.  I had never before had phone sex… and I can say that my introduction into that little realm was the very best. 

I know just thinking about last night is getting me hard, so I can guess what it’s doing to him.  “You’re bad, you little sex fiend you.  Why didn’t you tell me that the magazine was going to be out?” 

Fuck… I was hoping that he wouldn’t mention that.  “It was a surprise.  In fact I have to go to the party for it.  It’s amazing; I thought it wouldn’t be out until next issue.  I hope I don’t look too bad in the pictures.”  I am so nervous about the article.  I hope that I look alright, that I don’t look too much like a little kid.  It’s my fucking curse I guess.  I look about 14… not almost 20.  But what the hell, right.  It’s not like I can do anything about it.  But I still want it to look good.  I mean a lot of the gay population … and quite a few of the straight ones as well will be reading that article.  I have no doubt about that.  All I know is that those who didn’t know I was gay… now will. 

I know that Brian is smiling at me.  He always makes fun of my insecurities.  He thinks it’s funny that I still feel that way.  “I’m sure it will look great, Justin.  You worry too much.  Who shot the pictures?”  I am grateful that I have him.  One thing about Brian that I have learned and experienced over the past couple of months is that he pulls no punches.  If something -- especially a magazine layout, or a picture -- isn’t right he’ll tell someone.  He has no hesitation about that.  If something didn’t feel right, he’d tell me.  Of course it’s not like he’s already seen it, which he hasn’t… but I feel better nonetheless. 

It’s funny that as sure as Brian is about everything, there is one thing that I know that he is unsure about.  And that’s our relationship.  Well he’s unsure in part.  He knows what he wants – yes, but he gets so jealous about other people and how they look at me.  I think that it’s kind of cute… not that I would ever tell him that.  “Neil… you remember him, right.  I told you he did the pictures for that.  He’s supposed to be there at the party so I’m going to see what he’s come up with for the ad.”  I try to ease his tension, which I just KNOW he’s feeling at the mention of Neil’s name, by telling him that its just business.  I had hoped that I had eliminated his fears where that issue was concerned, but I guess I was wrong.  He still feels that jealousy. 

It’s funny really.  I’m not afraid to let people know that I’m gay… hell I would prefer it actually… but the thing is, I still have to follow certain rules.  I know that when Brian was here and we went out he hated that we couldn’t do certain things.  We couldn’t kiss, we couldn’t hold each other.  I wish that we could, and I know that he understands that all I want to do is show people who I am and who I love… but if I do I know that my publicist would have a fucking cow.  He’d be so angry, and the last thing I need right now is more bad press.  I’ve had enough of that shit to last me a lifetime.  Some stupid shit came out once… about the incident back home, and now I guess that’s why I’m finally agreeing to do these things.  These interviews, and articles.  I never wanted to be the type of person who thrived on that sort of shit.  I wanted to keep my private life just that… private.  Unfortunately that’s not going to happen anymore.  I’m stuck. 

“So do you and Nicholas have your tickets yet?” Brian asks me, bringing me back to the here and now.  I’m glad for the subject change… my mind was beginning to race a mile a minute and for me that isn’t good. 

“Yeah,” I tell him.  In fact, Nick and I had picked them up the same day that I had dropped him off at the airport.  I was out to my car before I had realized that I had forgotten to schedule them.  Okay… so I’m a blonde, as many people like to remind me of.  “We’re scheduled to land in Pitts next Wednesday at two fifteen.” 

“So where you staying,” he asks me quietly.  I smile at his bout of unease.  He’s nervous, that much I can tell.  Of course he would never admit it to anyone, I know, but I can still hear it appear in his voice ever so slightly. 

I put my finger to my lips thinking of how I could answer him.  “I could always stay at the same hotel that Nick and his wife are… but….” I know that I’m just killing him.  I know that if he were here in front of me he would take me in his arms and make me suffer.  Not that that would be a bad thing mined you.  “I know this guy there who said that I should come and see his loft.  So I thought…” 

 “Really?  What’s this guy like?”  I just love it when he gets all unsure of himself. 

I pause thinking it over… making him suffer.  “Well he’s hot, an incredible kisser, oh and he’s great in bed.”  Hey now none of that is a lie.  I could die a happy man in his arms.  “And I figured that I might as well spend some time with my boyfriend while I’m there.” 

“Really?  So when do you get done tonight?” 

“Around ten or so.  Want me to call you when I get home?”  Like I really have to ask that question. 

“Yeah.  I better let you get back to work.” 

“Yeah, I better go see what’s going on.”  Not that I really want to now.  I want to have his arms around me… holding me.  But I know that it’s not going to happen… Not for a while yet anyway.  Not for 10 days.  God is it really that long?  Damn!  “Later.” 

“Later,” he replies back.  I know that this is killing us both.  We were in heaven those couple of weeks we were together.  But we’ll be together soon.  I know it.  And I can’t wait. 

* * * * * *   
I head over to the tables for lunch, and sit down next to Nick.  Reaching into my pocket I pull out his tickets and hand them over.  “Thanks.  I got reservations already for the wife and I.  You sure you don’t want a room?” 

“Nah,” I say with a small smile on my lips.  “I think I’ll be just fine.” 

“I bet you will,” he laughed.  “So you ready to be back there?” 

“Back where,” Anthony asked as he came to sit down next to me.  Anthony has been like a father to me for a long time.  Between Nick and Anthony, they are my family… my support.  Well those two and Blake.  I remember the first time I had met Anthony.  Nick had introduced us, and instantly I felt like I had the father I had always wanted… one who was understanding and caring.  I’ve been to his home in England lots of times, and I know that I’m a part of his family.  He’s the only one outside of Nick and Blake who know everything about me.  Even Brian doesn’t know everything. 

I know what he’s worried about me going back to Pittsburgh, same as Nick.  They both want to protect me, and as much as I want to scream at them that they can’t always protect me, I’m silently thrilled.  It’s nice to know that people care.  It’s a lot more than I’ve had in recent years.  “Back home for that ad thing,” I tell him picking at my food. 

Anthony just nodded, looking straight a head.  I know he wants to say something but he’s not sure what.  “Are you going to see your mother and sister while you’re there?” 

Okay that’s so not the question I had thought he’d ask, and it gets me thinking.  Will I?  “I don’t know,” I tell him honestly.  “A part of me wants to, and I know that my mom wants me to stop by… but….” 

Anthony places his hand on mine and gives it a squeeze.  “Well I’ll only be a phone call away if you need anything.” 

I turn and smile at him.  He’s never told me what NOT to do… he’s allowed me to make my own decisions and was always there no matter how they turned out.  He doesn’t judge me or pass judgment on me.  He’ll never say I told you so… which I am grateful for.  I know that Blake isn’t like that… and neither is Nick.  I know both of them mean well, but it’s nice to have someone who will allow me to make the mistakes needed to grow.  I appreciate all of them… but Anthony is someone special.  He’s the father of my heart, and I don’t know where I would be without him.  Oh it’s not that he doesn’t push me to be the best I can… cause he does.  In fact he keeps telling me that I should take some courses at the university… or do some plays.  Expand my horizon, he says.  “I’ll keep you in mind.” 

“Good,” He says with a wink.  Nick, Blake, and Anthony… my family.  All you have to do is add Alyson and my family is complete.  The five of us are inseparable.  I don’t ever want to think of what would happen if I didn’t have one of them.  I can’t lose any of them.  Now I have Brian too.  My circle is complete.  I only hope it’s strong enough to last, and that the fates won’t work against me this time.  I’m happy and content for the fist time in my life.  I don’t want to lose anyone.  I like my life now.  I can face anything. 

* * * * * * 

Blake comes up to me in a rush, and reminds me of the party.  Fuck!  I can’t believe that I had forgotten about it.  I remember telling Brian that it was coming up, but I had completely forgotten that it was tonight.  I was done for the night, so I quickly changed and headed to my bike.  Pulling out my cell I dial the now familiar number, and wait for someone to pick up.  “Hey I’m not here.  Leave a message,” came his voice on the machine, and I felt my heart sink a little. 

Where is he?  I told him I would call.  God I hope that… no!  Don’t fucking think like that.  He’s just out with the guys or something.  I told him around 10.  I’m early so he’s not in yet.  “Brian?  Hey… listen, I guess you’re not home. It’s about 9:30, and I just wanted to let you know that I’m heading out now.  I forgot all about that fucking party tonight.  I’ll call you when I get there.  I was hoping that you’d still be there; I mean it’s only like what…12:30 or so there?  Okay… I guess I’ll try back later.” 

I close my eyes willing the awful thoughts that had sprung to my mind, and shake my head.  “I’ve been listening too much to Blake,” I tell myself as I climb on my bike and start it up.  “Don’t get all worked up over nothing.  It’s not like that, and things will work out.  It’s nothing.”  After convincing myself I put my helmet on and pull out of the lot making my way downtown toward the Mondrian Hotel and the Sky Bar.  I have been to a couple of parties, and I can say that I have never been real please with them.  I mean yeah, it’s a great place to meet people, to get noticed – but it’s just not me. 

I pull up to the hotel, and let the valet take the bike away.  People are lining up outside, wanting a glimpse of the actors.  This is standard, since the Sky Bar is known to have some of the greats here.  Someone important is always here, and fans just can’t wait to get a look at their favorite, or to touch just one of the actors or actresses.  Plastering a smile on my face, I begin to walk up to the entrance.  I’m still shocked that people actually give a damn about me.  Seeing people off to the side asking for MY autograph is something that I never thought would happen.  But there it is.  Pictures of me, people wanting just one chance to talk to me.  It’s almost overwhelming.  I am beginning to think that Anthony is right.  That I need to go and see someone about my phobia.  I can’t stand large crowds, which is funny if you think about it.  I mean I’m an actor in one of the hottest shows in the world… and yet I’m so fucking nervous whenever I get around a big crowd. 

I guess I never thought about it before.  I didn’t think that it would matter.  I never thought that I would be put in this position.  Now that I’m here… I’m fucking scared shitless.  I need to talk to Brian… I need to hear his voice, and then I know it will be alright.  Stepping inside I walk over to the side of the mail lobby and pull out my cell.  I feel my heart sink when I hear his machine again, and I try not to let it show. 

“Brian?  I guess you’re still not home.  What the fuck are you doing out on a work night at 1,” I say almost letting my disappointment show in my voice.  No I won’t do that.  I won’t make him feel bad for missing my call.  I don’t want him to feel pressure.  I take a deep breath and laugh slightly, hopefully letting him know I wasn’t mad.  “Okay… uh, I just wanted you to know that I’m at the party, and I’ll call you just as soon as I can.  I don’t think I’m going to stay long… only a couple of hours.  I’ll call when I get home.  It should be around midnight or so… my time.  Fuck, I hate this whole time difference shit.  Okay, I’ll talk to you later.”   
  

* * * * * * 

I walk into the room by the pool area, and I begin to mingle.  Talking to everyone here, the stars, the promoters, the reporters, whoever, I begin to feel a little closed in.  On the surface you feel right at home, like they are your best friends.  But I know, man do I know.  Some of the people there, you can just see it in their eyes… the truth behind their kind words.  They are all fake.  The ones who are just trying to make a name for themselves, who want to use you to further their career are all over you.  Wanting to bow to your every whim.  I know that beneath it all, they look at me like I’m some sort of freak.  Maybe it’s just me… maybe it’s what happened to me.  I don’t know, but I find myself a little nervous around them.  I can almost see Hobbs coming around the corner with a bat wanting to finish the job… and I know that no one in this room would care less. 

It makes me sick.  If it isn’t the people who want to use you to further their career, it’s the ones who want to use you for their other own purposes.  Money, power… whatever.  Then those ones who only look at you cause you are someone… ones who wouldn’t give you the time of day if you were just some kid on the side of the road.  I haven’t really met that many people here in Hollywood who are real.  Everyone wants you to conform… conform to their thinking.  It’s not easy, I tell you, to be an openly gay man here.  Not many people are.  You never get the good parts, you’re always over looked… other actors refuse to work with you.  I knew what I was getting into when I didn’t hide. 

Hell how could I hide when my damn picture was already over the fucking news!  Everyone knew who I was… what I was.  How could I turn around and say that I wasn’t gay?  I can’t… and I won’t.  I’m not ashamed.  There are a lot of actors and actresses who are gay who refuses to come out.  It’s not the norm.  It’s not right.  Hollywood can be unforgiving on many things. 

I spot Neil over by the bar, and I can’t help but appreciate his beauty.  He is beautiful; there is not doubt about that.  He is openly gay, and one of the top photographers in the world.  He’s been everywhere, seen everything.  He would be any gay man’s dream.  He has the money and the power.  He really doesn’t flaunt it either, which is amazing.  He’s kind… caring… just not my type.  I guess it’s just the fact that when he’s around other people – straight people – he tends to be superficial.  Yeah, he doesn’t really hide who he is, but it’s almost as if he’s ashamed at times.  He tries to pretend to make them feel more at ease. 

I’m not like that, never have.  And if a fucking bat to my head didn’t change me, I don’t see how the damn Hollywood crowd could do it.  Okay so I don’t do things that certain people say I shouldn’t do… like kiss my boyfriend on a crowded street, but if I don’t do something it’s not that I’m ashamed of who I am.  Instead I tend to think of others.  What would others think of whom I am working with if I go around and make big waves?  I don’t ever want to do something that will hurt Nick, or Anthony’s careers… or Sarah’s or Ambers, or Alyson’s or anyone else I’m working with.  I know how cruel people can be, and I know that if I do something ‘out of the norm’ too much then they may suffer for my needs and wants.  That’s not something I want to ever happen.  And then there’s Brian’s career.  What would happen if we made out in the middle of a busy street?  Where would I find the pictures plastered on the next day… hell the next hour.  I don’t want to do anything that could jeopardize his life and career. 

No if I ever go down, I’m not taking anyone with me.  I won’t pretend to be anyone I’m not, but I won’t drag others into my hell with me. 

I stay for another couple of hours before the sickening fakeness of my surrounding begins to choke me.  I tell everyone that I have to be up early for filming so I head out of there as quickly as I can.  I can’t stand it any longer.  If I stayed in that room with those people, I may start to believe in their lies.  If there’s one thing I won’t do it’s conform… conform to their idea of a perfect star.  That’s just not me.  I will not be forced back into the closet… not after what I have been through. 

* * * * * * 

I walk into the loft and throw off my shirt.  Blake is already asleep and for once I’m kinda grateful.  I am sooo not ready to talk right now.  This night has been one big disappointment after another.  I know that there are things that I have to do because I’m a star… but I don’t always have to like it.  In fact there are often times I wish that I had never come here. 

Brian… just thinking about him brings a smile to my face.  He’s one of the few people who I have been interested in who hasn’t made a big deal out of who I was.  He doesn’t care that I’m a star.  He could care less if I ever make it big.  Oh he wants what’s best for me, and he wants to see me raise above all the crap that this place offers… but he doesn’t make a big deal out of it.  When he told me that he wanted to be in a monogamous relationship… I was shocked.  I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.  Of course my first thought was no way… not the man I had heard so much about.  The Brian Kinney that I had heard about would never do that could never even attempt that.  But then I realize that he’s not the Brian I had heard about. 

The man I know is different, caring, loving, and thoughtful.  He always asks for my opinion, which I think is wonderful.  Never before have I had someone really value what I thought… at least no one I was in a relationship with.  And if I am wrong he will tell me.  I mean I want a monogamous relationship… I just didn’t think that it was in him.  I didn’t think that he even knew what the word was.  And to hear him say that he wanted one too?  I was ecstatic.  Fucking thrilled.  It’s what I always wanted… what I always craved. 

I walk over to the phone and dial Brian’s number.  I try to hide my disappointment in my voice when once again I hear his machine pick up.  “Brian… Jesus what are you doing?  I hope you’re not working too hard.  Or maybe that your friends are keeping you out late,” I say trying to sound cheerful.  Not wanting to think that maybe he is out doing something that I don’t want to know.  I can’t think like that.  He said he wanted what I wanted.  Brian never lies… at least he said he never would again.  I take a deep breath and try to sound happy.  “It’s a work night, you should be resting.  But then again, who am I to say shit?   Well, I won’t bother you again tonight.  You should get some sleep.  It’s almost midnight here, and I have to be at the studio at four, so I guess I better head home to get some sleep myself.  I just wanted to let you know that … I miss you,” I say quietly.  “Later, Bri.  I miss you.” 

God do I miss him.  How am I supposed to sleep without him beside me?  I had gotten so used to that.  At least last night I had his calming voice to ease my fears of separation.  The fear that once he’s away from me, that we will not make it… that the past couple of months had been a lie.  No… he loves me.  I know he does. 

I crawl into bed and pull the covers up over me.  I don’t want to think.  I don’t want to do anything right now.  I just hope that I can talk to him tomorrow.  Please Brian… don’t tell me that this is the end.  We’ve just gotten started.  I don’t want to think that we can’t make it. 

No, I have to believe.  Believe in him… in us.  I can’t believe in the things that I had been told.  I have to believe that what we have can overcome everything.  That we will last. 

Calming myself enough, I close my eyes and know that tomorrow is another day… that tomorrow will be better. 

* * * * * * *   
  

End of Part 9

** Cogito, ergo sum **   
_I think, therefore I am_

This is Chapter 10 in the "EXPERIENTIA DOCET" series.   
Narrated by Justin Taylor and Brian Kinney   
Series Rated NC-17 and contains no warnings or spoilers.   
September 2002 Summary: Brian and Justin deal with guilt and doubt while they are separated.   
Disclaimer: no profit made… The Boys are not mine... No matter how much I’d love to have them… 

* * * * * * * 

Justin   
  

I reach the studio, totally bummed still from the night before.  I wanted so badly to talk to Brian last night, but unfortunately he wasn’t there.  I have tried all last night to put that thought out of my mind… tried to will myself NOT to make that call and demand to know where he was, what he was doing.  All I got out of it was little sleep and an awful disposition this morning.  I really don’t want to be here and deal with this shit today. 

I spot out of the corner of my eye one of the grips… he’s new.  I can’t believe that I had never noticed him before.  To say that this guy is hot would be an understatement.  I smile toward him, and when he looks at me, I immediately feel a tightening in my groin.  I feel my pulse start to race, and my palms start to sweat.  Fuck!  My Gaydar is pinging straight to the top.  I know all I have to do is say the word and I wouldn’t have to be alone tonight. 

I start to head in his direction, but suddenly stop; feeling like someone dropped a bucket of cold water on me.   
What the fuck am I thinking?  Fuck!  No, I have to stop thinking like that.  Brian… he’s the one I want.  But damnit… he’s most likely out getting fucked by someone… sorry fucking someone why the hell shouldn’t I have some satisfaction too?  I know why… cause if I do, and Brian is actually doing what he said he was going to do… then who the hell is at fault.  Me.  I have to believe that he’s doing what he promised.  I have to.  If I don’t then all of this is for naught.  What’s the fucking point? 

I had overheard Neil and some of the other guys last night talking about Brian.  I knew that I shouldn’t let it effect me, but I have.  They were all talking about his reputation, and how they would love to have a shot at him.  I had put it out of my mind last night, but when I had gotten home, and he still didn’t answer the damn phone… how can I ignore it?  How many times to I have to tell myself that I’m just being paranoid and there is nothing to worry about? 

I pray that he is being faithful.  I hope to god that everyone is wrong about him.  However, if I am so sure about what he’s doing … or not doing, then why is it that the first guy I see this morning I am thinking about taking home? 

I don’t know how much of this I can take.  I have to talk to him today, I just have to.  I don’t know what I’ll say to him… can I come right out and ask him if he’s been fucking around?  Should I?  What if he isn’t and he thinks that I don’t trust him?  What will happen then?  This whole situation is so fucked that I can’t even begin to think of an answer, or a solution.  I can’t think period. 

Please Brian, let me be wrong… let everyone else be wrong.  That’s all I ask.  I don’t know what I will do if you are messing around.  I don’t know what I would do.  But I can’t lose Brian now… we’re only getting started. 

    
* * * * * * * 

Brian 

I can’t fucking believe this… the one fucking time that I have a chance at something real I fucking blow it.  The first sign of doubt I go out and fuck it all up.  Fuck!  What do I tell Justin?  Can I even tell him?  I swore to myself that I would try my hardest to do what I had promised, to NOT fuck around.  And yet… less then 48 hours later, I’m sitting here wondering what I can do to make it up to him.  This is why I never did relationships before.  Fuck! 

The funniest thing is I actually wanted to do what he had asked of me… okay so I was the one who had brought it up… a lapse in judgment on my part.  But damnit I wanted to try at least.  I wanted to give him what he deserved.  I am my fucking father.  I know one thing that if he finds out – cause I sure as hell won’t tell him unless he outright asks – but if he finds out… I’m not going to try and ‘make it up to him’.  No I won’t be buying flowers and telling him that I will never do it again cause it would be a lie.  There is no guarantee that it will never happen again. 

I mean come one I’m new at this shit.  I should be given some sort of leeway right?  Fuck, there should be some book on this shit somewhere.  There are books and websites on everything else out there 

I just can’t believe how badly I have fucked things up.  And I can pinpoint the moment it all started… cause I tell you the moment before I had walked into that fucking shit hole I was feeling pretty good. 

Hearing Michael and Emmett go on and on about Justin.  The comments they made about that ‘ass shot’ – which by the way I still plan on finding out what that is all about. – made me nervous.  I mean if my own fucking so called friends are thinking these thoughts then who’s to say that the rest of the world isn’t thinking them as well.  And who’s to say that Justin won’t look at one of them and decide that his life would be better… easier if he just went with them and to hell with me. 

Okay, so I know that Justin isn’t like that, but it doesn’t stop the irrational fear that is feeding me.  The fear that he will realize that I’m not worth it, that he deserves so much more. 

Then there is that crap with what he is supposed to do, how is supposed to act.  What if his damn publicist told him that seeing someone my age would be bad for him?  What the hell am I going to say to that?  I won’t fucking destroy his career because of who I am, or how much of a difference there is between us.  But damnit if I don’t get pissed at someone running Justin’s life that way.  Fuck that shit.  I won’t let anyone tell Justin that he can and can’t do something.  If he wants to do it then more power to him… I won’t stand in his way. 

However, the thing is… the main thing is, I don’t know if I could live without him in my life.  In just a short amount of time, I have gotten used to having him around, gotten used to the idea of having a – god forbid – boyfriend.  Okay so I’m selfish, I know that.  Can anyone blame me? 

So if I want him in my life… if I want to have him there with me… why did I fuck up as badly as I did? 

* * * * * * * 

Justin 

Okay, here’s the deal.  I’m pissed.  Fucking furious! 

All damn day long all I can think about is the fact that Brian blew me off.  He fucking just completely ignored me.  Hell he hasn’t even called me yet today.  Do I have a right to be pissed?  I fucking think so.  I mean here I am all fucking worried that he went out and fucked some guy… going against everything that he had promised me mind you.  And he doesn’t ONCE fucking call. 

Am I overreacting?  Maybe…but damnit it fucking takes two to make a relationship work. 

If he wants me he can fucking call me.  I’m not going to wait around for him to get a clue. 

Hell no.. not me. 

I’m not some little fucking twinkie who follows some guy around when he’s not wanted.  Oh hell no.  I have my own life, my own career.  If he wants to be a part of it, well then he better get his ass in gear and decide that he wants this.  If not, then fuck him. 

Okay so really… all of that sounds sooo good in theory.  But we have a couple of problems. 

#1: Brian knows that there is a time difference between us – check   
#2: Brian knows that I’m at the studio and can’t take calls – check   
#3: the worst of all.  I’m not ready to let him go.  – Fuck! 

So what do I plan on doing when I get home?  I’ll be like one of those little fucking idiots on Dawson’s creek or some other teenage angst and wait.  I’ll sit and wait for the call, cause I sure as hell am not going to call him.  I am soo screwed.  I knew that if I gave myself to him, if I opened myself up to him that I would be opening myself up to a whole lot of heartache. 

Why do I do these things to myself?  I mean it’s not like I’ve had enough fucking drama in my life right?  Haven’t I fucking suffered enough? 

I keep telling myself that this is the last time… I won’t be made a victim again.  I won’t let anyone have a hold over me, over my heart.  I won’t let anyone hurt me anymore. 

But every time I think of Brian, I realize that I have fallen right back into the place I told myself I would never be. 

And I’m not sorry.  I love him, and he loves me. 

Isn’t love about pain as well as happiness?  Isn’t the line between love and hate so thin that it’s hard to determine which is which?  Doesn’t love mean that you let yourself be hurt?  I wish I knew. 

* * * * * * *   
Brian 

By the time I get back to the loft, I’m in some serious need of a drink.  Of something that’s for sure.  I have worked myself into a fucking frenzy today with worrying about how Justin would handle my little mistake.  I know I shouldn’t worry too much about it, I know that he will be pissed, but we can work it out right? 

Okay… so it’s not that easy.  I mean what the hell would I be able to say to him?  What can I say to him to make him understand that I fucked up? 

Putting the glass of Beam to my lips, it hits me like a ton of fucking bricks.  This is how we started last night out.  Me drinking myself into a fucking oblivion, then making the stupid mistake of not realizing a simple thing like time zones.  Fuck!  I am whipped. 

 Tonight I figure that I will sit here and just wait.  When he calls he calls.  I’m not going to let him get away from me. 

I change my clothes and sit down on the couch with the phone within reach.  Now all I have to do is wait. 

* * * * * * *   
Justin 

I walk into the loft finally at 10:30 and head straight to the bedroom.  I don’t even look at the machine to see if he called… not yet.  I don’t know if I’m ready to face that yet.  I’m not ready to be disappointed.  I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but it’s that feeling in the pit of my stomach that says that he didn’t call.  I just know it. 

After getting dressed, I make my way into the kitchen glancing over to the machine.  I see the light on the phone blinking telling me I have voice mail.  Picking up the phone, I dial in the code, and place the phone to my ear as I make myself a sandwich. 

“Hey Jus, guess who?  It’s Daphne you geek.  Hey look give me a call as soon as you can.  I have been hearing things that I just have to know if they are true or not… and if they are… why the hell didn’t you tell me you had a boyfriend?  We’re best friends we share everything.  Call me!”  I laugh slightly at my childhood friend curses me.  Daphne has been a huge part of my life, and we will always be close.  Neither one of us is ready to end our friendship.  Neither one of us wants to.  Just knowing that she’s still there for me after everything means the world to me.  Of course I cringe at her mention of a boyfriend.  Guess the word is out… only is it too late? 

I press a button to save that message, I’ll call her tomorrow during my break – and listen as the next voice came on the line.  “Justin, sweetheart,” I cringe as I hear Ethan’s voice.  Without thinking about anything I press the button to delete.  I really don’t want to hear from some asshole that thinks that we should live together.  That we could be the next Hollywood Super Couple.  I dated him like once… okay get that.  Once.  He was so fucking fake that I had to leave dinner before I threw up. 

“Justin,” the next message starts, and I close my eyes.  This is another call I don’t want.  “Sweetheart?  This is your mother.  Please Justin… Please call me.  We have to talk.  Our last conversation… well I’m sorry.  I never should have pushed.  Please honey; please call me as soon as you get this message.  Please.  I love you.” 

Saving my mom’s message, I decide that I will call her.  I do want to see her and Molly when I’m in town.  “You have no more messages in your mailbox,” I hear the automatic reply.  He didn’t call.  Brian didn’t call.  I run through the list of calls on the caller ID and nothing.  He really didn’t call.  Fuck! 

Okay so maybe he’s just waiting for me to call him…but damnit I don’t want to be the only one who’s working at this.  Why is this so hard?  Why can’t he just pick up the phone and call? 

I carry the phone over to the bed and sit it down on the covers next to me.  I’ll be here when he calls.  He’ll realize that I’m not calling him and he’ll check up on me.  I just have to wait.  If he doesn’t… I don’t know what I’ll do.  The ball’s in his court.  It’s up to him now. 

* * * * * * * 

End of Part 10

** Noli me vocate, ego te vocabo **   
_Don't call me, I'll call you_

This is Chapter 11 in the "EXPERIENTIA DOCET" series.   
Narrated by Justin Taylor and Brian Kinney Featuring: Nicholas Brendon, Anthony Stewart Head, Michael Novotony, Cynthia Morgan, and others   
Series Rated NC-17 and contains no warnings or spoilers.   
September 2002 Summary: Phone conversations leading up to the Justin getting on the plane.   
Disclaimer: no profit made… The Boys are not mine… No matter how much I’d love to have them… 

* * * * * * * 

“Hey Daph.” 

“Oh my god… Justin!  What’s going on?  I like called you last night, why didn’t you call me right back.” 

“Daph it was like 1:30 your time by the time I got home.  I figured that I would wait.  Besides, I’m calling you now.” 

“Sooo…” 

“Soooooooo what?” 

“Come on… don’t keep me in suspense here.  What is this I hear about a boyfriend?  Spill!” 

“Daph.” 

“Justin, spill.” 

“Okay… okay.  Geez!  His name is Brian.  Brian Kinney.  He’s an ad exec.  He’s hot, kind… and he loves me.” 

“AHHHHH!  No way.  So when did you meet him?  Where did you meet him?  Where does he live?  When can I meet him?  Come on, I want details.  Is he good in bed?” 

“Daph!  I don’t think that is any of your business.” 

“Hey now I tell you all about my love life… it’s time to share.” 

“He came here to get me to do an ad for someone.  Remember Mr. Jacobs from the club?” 

“The one who had the hots for your mom?” 

“Yeah the same one.” 

“Yeah so?  What about him?” 

“Well he wants ME to be in this ad for him.  He had Brian come here to try and get me to do it.  To make a long story short… we got together, I got pissed at him, we made up… and now we just see where we go from here.” 

“So he lives there?” 

“He lives in Pittsburgh.  He works at Vanguard.” 

“No shit!  That’s like the best firm in the area.  Oh shit, Justin.  So he’s hot?” 

“Let’s just say that I saw the face of god, Daph.” 

“Oh shit.  Justin.  I am soo fucking jealous.  So what now?  I mean what’s going to happen now that he lives here and you there?” 

“We were going to still try being in a relationship, but I don’t know Daph.” 

“What?  What happened?” 

“Nothing.  Okay, so I’m not sure that it’s nothing… I don’t know really, Daph.  I had heard things about him… things that would make your head spin.” 

“What things?” 

“Simply… he’s a … a slut?  It’s not that bad, but you know what I mean.  He likes to sleep around… a lot.  And well he said that he wasn’t going to be like that.  That he wanted to be with only me.” 

“He didn’t?” 

“That’s the thing, Daph.  I don’t know for sure.  I was supposed to call him the other night, and he wasn’t home.  I tried three different times.  Then last night… he never called.  I don’t know what to think.  I want to believe that he isn’t doing it, but…” 

“So what are you going to do?” 

“I don’t know.  I really don’t know.  I want to give him the benefit of the doubt… but then again I can’t get what everyone else is saying out of my head.  I want to.  God I want to.” 

“To hell with what everyone else says.  If you think that he’s not… if that’s what your heart is telling you… then listen to it.  Who the fuck cares what anyone else says?” 

“Thanks, Daph.” 

“Feel better?” 

“Yeah.  A little.” 

“Then my job has been accomplished.  So… How did that meeting on the movie go?” 

* * * * * * * 

“Hello.” 

“Brian.  Um.. how’s it going?” 

“Mikey.  It’s going… what the hell do you think?  Now what’s the real reason why you’re calling?” 

“What can’t call my friend without a reason?” 

“Normally, yes… but Mikey that’s not you.  You want something.  What is it?” 

“We’re going out to Woody’s tonight.  You coming?” 

“I don’t know, Mikey.  I have things I have to take care of… shit for this fucking campaign.  I have a meeting in the morning with Vance and a whole lot of other shit that needs to be done before Friday.” 

“What’s Friday?  When is HE coming?” 

“Friday I have a meeting with Mr. Jacobs.  And when He is coming is none of your damn business Mikey.  Why do you care?  You don’t honestly think that I’m going to put him in the same fucking room with the ‘fan club’?  Fuck that.” 

“But Brian, I haven’t seen you in a long time.  First you were gone for months, and since you’ve been home you haven’t been out with us.” 

“You’ve seen me, Mikey… and I have a lot of work to do.  Vance is being an ass, and I have a lot to catch up on since I was away for a while.  Shit Mikey, it’s not like I went away on a fucking vacation for two months, I was working.  And now I still have work.  When things calm down I will go out.  I’ll meet you guys at Woody’s Saturday… that’s the best I can do.  Now can I get back to work so hopefully I can do that?” 

“So what will happen when He gets here?” 

“Mikey.” 

“What?  I think it’s a valid question.” 

“Drop it.  I’m not going to discuss Justin with you.  What goes on between the two of is just that… between the two of us.  So leave it alone.” 

“But….” 

“Bye Mikey.” 

* * * * * * * 

“Justin!  Hey… look sorry about the other night.” 

“So now you call?  I thought you would call last night.” 

“I thought you were going to call.  Fuck!  Talk about miscommunication.” 

“You can say that again.  So what’s up?” 

“I miss you.” 

“Ha, I miss you too.  God Brian, we really need to work on this whole communication thing you know.  I don’t know if my nerves can handle much more of this.” 

“I know what you mean.  I’m sorry I missed your call the other night.” 

“It’s okay.  I mean … it’s not okay, but it is.  Am I making any sort of sense?” 

“A little.” 

“I just really wanted to talk to you.  I was having a rough day, and I just…” 

“I’m sorry.  What was wrong?  What happened?” 

“I guess it’s just the thought that I was coming home… you know with my mom, and with the whole reason why I left.  I don’t know, I guess I just sort of freaked.” 

“I know all about freaking out.  Wanna talk about it?  I’m here now.” 

“I don’t know… I’m just nervous is all.” 

“What about?  You nervous about seeing your folks again?” 

“Partly yeah.  Also… I mean, what if…  What if I see him again?” 

“I won’t let that asshole near you.  If he even looks at you, he’ll regret ever being alive.” 

“Thanks.  It’s just strange is all.  This will be the first time I’ve been home since the day I left.  The first time that I even thought about that damn city since that day.” 

“Justin… you know I wouldn’t let anything happen to you don’t you?  I would never let that happen.” 

“I know.” 

“So what else is bothering you?” 

“What isn’t?  … I went to that party.  Remember the one for the article.” 

“How’d that go?” 

“I realized once again how fake people can be.  How much everyone wants me to conform to their belief in what should be… how people should act and such.” 

“Ahhh.  They want you to conform huh?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Listen.  If they don’t like you for who you are they can just fuck themselves.” 

“It’s not that simple Brian.  There is a certain way of life here … certain protocol here that needs to be followed.  Do you have any idea how hard it is for a gay man to even get a job around here?  It’s not easy.  And if I rock the boat even a little they will fuck everyone over.  I just know it.” 

“Justin they won’t do anything.  You’re passionate at what you do, your damn good at what you do.  The fans don’t give a shit so why should everyone else?  If they don’t like it Justin then fuck ‘em.  Do what you feel is right, but I’d hate to see you lose yourself for someone else’s belief at how you should be.  Isn’t that why you left your dad’s house cause he wanted you to pretend to be someone your not?  Isn’t that why you left?  Cause you wouldn’t do what he said… you wouldn’t lie to yourself.  Don’t do it Justin… lie to everyone else, but don’t lie to yourself.  You’ll only end up with nothing in the end.” 

“You’re right.  It’s just that it’s so hard.  It’s hard to NOT think about it.  I know that if I don’t give in than I’ll be stuck… my career as it is, could very well be over.” 

“Justin… come on.  You have never hidden who you are, and you’ve still gotten parts right?  You have been in movies and hell this damn show.  They knew before you were hired that you were gay.  That’s not going to change.  If someone has a bug up their ass then you don’t need them or their fucking script.  You’re bigger than that.” 

“Thanks.  For some reason you always make me see what I don’t want to believe.  Thank-you.” 

“My pleasure.  So anyway you can get your nice bubble butt here sooner?” 

“Ha.  I wish.  God, Bri.  This is pure torture you know that.  Not having you here with me… I start… I think… it’s just not easy.  I want you here.” 

“I know what you mean.  I feel the same way.  I’m sorry, baby.” 

“For what?” 

“Everything.  Everything.” 

“I should get back to work.  I miss you, Bri.” 

“Miss you, too.” 

“Later.” 

“Yeah… I’ll call you tonight.  Later.” 

* * * * * * * 

“So when did they say we had to be back?” 

“We get a whole two weeks.  Hence, why the hell we have been busting our asses this past week.  Fuck, remind me to never do this crap again, okay?” 

“Come on, Justin.  You love it and you know it.” 

“Yeah right.  With the damn party on Monday, then this extra hours starting on Wednesday… this is killing me.” 

“Whiner.” 

“Bitch.  I am not.  I’m just soo tired is all.” 

“It wouldn’t happen to have ANYTHING to do with the fact that you talk to your boyfriend for hours and hours each night now would it?” 

“Fuck you.” 

“Na thanks, I’ll save that for him.” 

“Okay so I don’t get much sleep at night and it isn’t completely due to work.  But can you blame me?  Anyway, I just wanted to make sure you guys are set for Wednesday.  Cause if you need anything I can get Brian on it.” 

“We should be set.  If I think of anything in before we get on the plane I’ll let you know.” 

“It’s only three days away.” 

“So, your point being?” 

“Jerk.  Anyway from what Brian said we should be meeting with his Partner when we get there.  Then meet Mr. Jacobs on Thursday.  Then it will be just doing the actual ad.  Simple.” 

“Good.  And frankly I hope it works out so we can just have a couple of days to sit and relax.  Now if there’s anything I need it’s that.” 

“Here here.  Okay so I’ll see ya on set tomorrow.” 

“Okay, see ya then.” 

* * * * * * * 

“Hey.” 

“Do you have any idea what time it is?” 

“Yes.  It’s 11:30.” 

“Smart ass, you know what I mean.  Do you have any idea what time it is here?” 

“Oh… that’s what you mean.  Sorry did I wake you?” 

“Nah.  I was just working on this damn shit that these assholes fucked up on.  You’re late, Sunshine.” 

“I told you I would work late today since I’m leaving tomorrow.  I’ve been working late every night for the past couple of days remember?” 

“Oh yeah, I remember now.  So what time is your flight arriving again?” 

“Two fifteen.  So who’s going to be there to meet us?  Since I know that you’re not letting me rent a car.” 

“I’ll be there.  Then we’ll drop the shit off at the hotel, alone with Nick’s wife, and head to meet with Vance.” 

“Fun.  Fun.  And Nick’s wife isn’t shit.” 

“You know what I mean, twat.” 

“Yeah well, that’s why you love me.” 

“Yeah.” 

“Okay here’s a stupid question.  If we’re dropping Nick’s wife and their stuff off at the hotel…what about my stuff?  Where are we going to put it?” 

“Easy we’ll put in the jeep.  Problem with that?” 

“No, just asking.  And you’re awfully sure of yourself aren’t you?  Who’s to say that I’m staying with you?” 

“Oh you’re not huh?” 

“Well you know, I’m sure that I could find someplace to stay.  I don’t think I’d be hurting for a roof over my head.” 

“Ahhh.  I get it.  Well if not then I guess I’ll just have to kidnap you.” 

“Kidnap me?  That would be against the law.  You would go to jail.” 

“They’d be hard pressed to make the charges stick if you’re a willing participant, and I am sure that you won’t be complaining too much.  At least not about staying with me, maybe some soreness but not because I took you home with me.” 

“I like the way that sounds.  What do you have planned, Mr. Kinney?” 

“Don’t call me that.  What hardon I have will quickly disappear.” 

“I’m sure I can help you with that.” 

“And what do you have planned, Mr. Taylor.” 

“Oh you’ll see.  It’s a surprise, and I know for a fact that it’s one that you will like.” 

“Now who’s sure of themselves?” 

“Okay, I better let you go.  Some of us have a flight to catch in the morning.” 

“See you soon.” 

“Oh yeah… can’t wait.  Later.” 

“Later.” 

* * * * * * * 

End of Part 11

** Sic faciunt omnes **   
_Everyone is doing it_

This Chapter 12 in the "EXPERIENTIA DOCET" series.   
Narrated by Justin Taylor Featuring: Brian Kinney, Nicholas Brendon, Michael Novotony, Emmett Honeycutt, Cynthia Morgan, and others   
Series Rated NC-17 and contains no warnings or spoilers.   
September 2002 Summary: Justin and Nicholas arrive in Pittsburgh… finally.  Can Brian keep his secret from Justin?   
Disclaimer: no profit made… The Boys are not mine.. No matter how much I’d love to have them… 

* * * * * * * 

Nick, Tressa, and I step off the plane and immediately I spot Brian standing on the other side of the barrier.  We make our way through the crowd and over to him.  Granted it’s not as easy as it used to be since now I have about a hundred screaming teens all wanting my autograph, but dammit, I don’t care.  Brian’s here, so everything else can just to go the wayside.  I don’t have to pretend to be someone I’m not.  I must admit, as soon as they mentioned that we were arriving in Pittsburgh, I started to shake.  I am so nervous, maybe even a little scared.  I haven’t been in this city at all since I left all those years ago.  I’m half afraid to run into HIM… or my dad… or anyone else I used to know.  I’m not ready to face that, but I know that Brian will keep me safe, will keep me grounded.  I don’t doubt that one bit. 

Once I reach him, I fight the urge to kiss him, to hold him.  Brian however, just takes our bags and leads us out of the airport to the awaiting car.  Vanguard went all out for us, with a limo and everything.  Once we get inside, Brian pulls me toward him, and kisses me.  I slip my tongue in his mouth, and wrap my arms around his neck, pulling him closer.  “Hey can we not have you two fuck back here.  Virgin eyes here,” Nick says breaking us from our spell. 

I pull away and run my hand across Brian’s cheek, god how I’ve missed him.  “Just think of it as an education, Nick.  You might learn something.” 

“There are some things, Jus, that I don’t need to know,” he laughed. 

Giving Nick a break, I move away slightly from Brian and put my head on his shoulder, not really wanting to break contact yet.  “So everything is set with the two of you at the hotel,” Brian asked Nick and Tressa. 

“Yep.  We should be.  Justin said we would be meeting your partner today.” 

“Unfortunately,” I say with a smile.  Brian taps me upside my head and I turn to look at him.  “What?  He’s an asshole.  Why should I be nice?” 

“Cause he’s my partner, and cause I said so,” he said in his normal tongue in cheek way.  It’s when he looks at me like that that all I want to do is turn around and slap him, or fuck him.  Truth be known, the main reason why I don’t want to see anyone today, is cause I’m horny as hell.  It’s been too long, and Brian’s right here.  I just want to go to his place and make love all day and night long.  But no… we have obligations to do. 

Once we reach the hotel and get Tressa settled, we all head out to have lunch with Vance.  I am so not looking forward to meeting him.  If he’s even partly the asshole that I believe he is, I know I’ll have to bite my lip to keep from saying what I think of him.  It bothers me a lot – the way he treats Brian – even though I know there’s nothing that I can do.  I know that I can’t say anything, no matter how much I want to.  This is Brian’s life… his work, and if I interfere then what does that say about him?  It’ll look like Brian can’t take care of himself… look like he needs this little kid from Hollywood to take care of him.  And that’s not true. 

We enter the restaurant and the matrade takes us to the table where, who I assume Vance is, is waiting.  He stands and holds out his hand to me with a fake smile plastered on his lips.  “Ahhhh, Mr. Taylor, Mr. Brendon, it’s a pleasure to finally meet you.  My name if Gardner Vance, and I want to say that it’s a pleasure to be working with you.” 

It’s times like this that I’m grateful that I grew up in the Country Club scene.  I take a hold of his hand and give it a firm shake, smile plastered on my face… just pouring on the shit.  “The pleasure’s all mine, Mr. Vance.  Brian has told us a lot about you.  It’s a pleasure to finally meet you.” 

Nick says his greeting as well, and introduces Tressa as we all sit down.  To say that this is the type of thing that I hate doing would be an understatement.  I try to be honest with people… with myself.  But when I am placed in situations like this, I can’t help but feel off.  I tell them everything that they want to hear, even if it’s not true.  I hate it.  I hate having to try and conform, to make myself appear as if I’m someone that I’m not.  Out of the corner of my eye, I can see that Brian’s trying not to laugh throughout the whole lunch, and all I want to do is smack him.  I just know he’s going to bug me about this.  I just know it. 

All I know for sure is that I can’t wait to get this whole thing over with so that we can take Nick and Tressa back to the hotel.  I want to go back to Brian’s place and make up for lost time.  Just thinking about what’s to come brings a smile to my face.  I feel Brian’s hand reach under the table and take my hand into his own.  Oh yeah… I can’t wait to get out of here. 

* * * * * * * 

“So this is the famous loft,” I say as I walk into the spacious place and put my bags down.  I feel Brian’s body pressed against me as he wraps his arms around my waist.  I close my eyes as I feel his mouth and tongue glide across my skin, and his hands move up my chest, pulling my shirt up and over my head.  He leads me up the stairs, and deposits me on the bed.  His hands rip open my pants and pull them and my underwear off, throwing them on the floor.  God, I love this man.  I knew when I had gotten on the plane that once we were alone together again, that we wouldn’t be taking anything slow.  It’s been too long, and the need that we have for each other is too great.  No, our first time together was going to be fast and hard. 

He quickly removes his own clothes and is on top of me in a matter of seconds.  I can feel the heat of his hands moving over my body, his lips gliding over my skin – caressing me, warming me.  The only words passed between us, the only sounds really, are the moans of pleasure that escape our lips.  There really isn’t much foreplay involved with our lovemaking this time, as he quickly prepares me.  I grab a hold of the condom and slowly roll it down his hard cock, preparing him in my own way.  He pulls my hand off of him and press them over my head with one of his strong hands.  I place my legs, with his help, over his shoulders, allowing him full control.  Biting my lip, I keep from crying out as he slams hard into me, filling me to the hilt.  I know at that moment that I’m not going to last. 

Brian begins to move in and out of me, pulling all the way out, and slamming back in as far as he can go.  I know that I’m going to be sore for a long time after this, but I don’t care.  I don’t care about anything really right now, except for the feeling of completeness.  He has a way of filling me that no one else in my life has ever been able to.  And it’s not just his cock… it’s all of him.  His soul, his love…everything.  When we’re together like this, I feel as if there is nothing else around… it’s just the two of us.  Nothing else matters except being with him.  Nothing.  I don’t care what shit is thrown at me, as long as I know that he loves me, I can handle anything. 

I feel the tightness begin to build, as he continues his thrusts, hitting my prostate with each movement.  Feeling him brush against me with such force is sending me over the edge.  I don’t know how much more of this I can take before I give in.  With his lips on mine, his tongue gliding against mine, I let go, shooting between our bodies, losing myself in the sweet oblivion.  I feel him riding out my release, as he moans, allowing himself the release that we both have been dreaming about since he had left LA. 

I welcome his weight as he collapses on top of me, releasing my legs and arms from his grasp.  Slowly I run my hands up and down his back, lightly kissing the top of his head, as we both try to catch our breath.  It’s moments like this that make up for all the time apart.  It makes up for a lot really.  I know in these moments that I don’t care what anyone says about him… about us.  I know who he is, and what he wants.  Slowly I close my eyes, exhausted, and allow myself to succumb to sleep with him still inside me.  This is where I belong. 

* * * * * * * 

Brian and I walk down the street heading toward the diner.  I had begged him to take me somewhere to eat, and after a hell of a lot of begging he finally relented.  I told him that I wanted to meet his friends, I wanted to see what I didn’t get a chance to see when I used to live here.  I want to know what his life is like, I want to be a part of it.  I know that he’s not real happy about it, but what can I say.  He’s a part of my life… he knows everything there is to know about me… why can’t I know about him. 

He warned me however on the ride over here that I might get attacked.  He said that some of his so called friends, seem to have the Star-bug… they idolize me.  Why I don’t know, but if being in the business as long as I have has taught me anything is that people tend to forget that you’re a human being too… they tend to think of you as a piece of meat.  But the thing is, I know this.  I’ve gotten used to it, for the most part.  Okay so I still freak out in large crowds, and I still have moments of panic, but with Brian by my side, I know that things will be okay.  I know that he’ll protect me. 

We walk into this small diner, and immediately I feel every eye in the place turn toward us.  Suddenly this woman with red hair, and loud outfit comes rushing over to us.  “Brian!  I didn’t think I’d see you around these parts for the next couple of days, if you know what I mean,” she said raising her eyebrows, looking me over.  “You must be Justin.  Come in.  It’s not everyday that we get someone famous in here.” 

I try not to laugh as I see Brian roll his eyes.  “Deb, we came here to eat, not make a fucking spectacle of everything.  Coffee,” he said as we sat down in a booth with a group of guys – Brian pulling me as close to him as humanly possible.  This is a side of Brian that I have never seen before… this I don’t give a shit Brian.  It’s something that I know I’ll have to get used to here.  At least in front of everyone else. 

I look around the table and smile slightly at the group.  I can see some ‘worshipping’ in their eyes – the awe of sorts.  “Hey,” I say not quite sure what else to say. 

“I’m Emmett,” the one in the bright pink shirt introduces.  “I am such a HUGE fan of yours.  I can’t believe that I’m actually sitting here… that we’re here at the same table.”  Oh yeah… he’s star-struck! 

“Ahh,” I start, suddenly feeling very fucking shy.  God, I hate it when I get like this.  “Nice to meet you.” 

“Jesus, will you fucking stop already.  He didn’t come here so you could get your rocks off.  We came here to eat.  So leave the drama shit for another time,” Brian informs the gang.  Now here’s the thing.  If Brian and I are ever going to have problems in our relationship… it’s going to be because of this.  I know, at least I’ve seen glimpse of his little jealous streak.  I know that if we have a problem it will be because of that.  He’s not used to this whole star thing, and he just HATES it when guys fawn all over me. 

I place my hand on his arm, and lean in to kiss him lightly on the cheek.  “It’s okay, I don’t mind.  It’s all part of the gig,” I remind him.  And I know that I’ll be reminding him every day as long as we’re together.  The others introduce themselves and I feel good about each one of them… well that Michael seems pissed off at me for some reason and I have no idea why.  I get this slight sickening feeling in my gut at the way he looks at me.  Maybe it’s being in this town again… with all those old feelings that I’ve buried so deep within my psyche, that makes me want to puke.  But I can tell that he doesn’t like me – not in the least. 

His boyfriend however seems cool.  He’s a professor, and truth be known… he’s fucking HOT!  Okay, not as good looking as Brian, but I’d still do him if I really wanted to.  Not that I want to of course… I decided a long time ago that if I ever met the one that makes me feel the way that Brian makes me feel… that I would be with him only.  But I can fantasize… right? 

Emmett is a trip.  He’s this big queen, and very proud of who he is.  I admire that, I really do.  At times I wish I could be as free as he is, but unfortunately I can’t.  I have to hide who and what I am at times.  But I can see that he could be a very trusted and good friend.  He makes me laugh, and he just has this kindness about him.  I just know that he’s one person that I want to be friends with… him and Ben. 

Ted… well he’s sort of quiet.  I can tell that he sort of the oddball in the group.  He’s nice, don’t get me wrong… it’s just that I don’t see us ever really becoming really good friends.  I get the feeling that he’s just not quite sure what to make out of anything. 

Michael… he sort of seems like a closet case to me… or at least used to be.  I don’t think that I could be that way, at least not fully.  Yeah I may hide it at times, but can you blame me?  Look at what happened to me last time I didn’t hide… look at what I’ve been through.  And Hollywood isn’t really Gay Friendly.  But there’s something else too.  I picked up on it right away.  He loves Brian.  And I’m not talking about the way I love him… no this is like a high school crush… this infatuation type lust love. 

It’s the same damn thing that I see with Ethan and I.  I mean he’s soo infatuated with me… with the idea of US that he can’t see beyond that.  He can’t see that it will never happen.  Okay so it’s different in the fact that Brian and Michael are friends, where Ethan and I aren’t.  At least to me we aren’t.  I can’t stand him, and he can’t get it through his thick, greased up head to see that.  But I’ve had my share of stalkers and such that I really don’t like the way he looks at me.  Michael I mean – at least presently. 

We all sit and talk, and I find myself relaxing for the first time in a long time… well not including my ‘quiet time’ with Brian.  The only person here in Pittsburgh that I’ve ever felt that way with is Daphne. 

Ben wants me to talk to his class.  He’s a professor at CM, and he teaches Gay Studies.  A part of me isn’t really sure if I want to do it.  I mean what if they ask about the Bashing?  Can I really talk about that?  I haven’t really done that… not really.  And I know someone will ask, since I just KNOW it’s on my bio somewhere on the net.  But I find myself saying okay, I’ll do it.  Why?  I’m not really sure.  I guess there has always been a part of me that NEEDS to talk about it… to tell others what it’s like to have your world turned upside down.  And maybe… just maybe, it’s being here again, where it all happened.  I don’t know. 

The others say that they are heading to Babylon, and I look at Brian to see what he has planned.  I want to go with the guys, but then again, I haven’t seen Brian in weeks, and I just want to be alone with him.  To take comfort in him again. 

Brian I guess has the same idea as I do, cause he declines the offer, takes my hand after throwing some money on the table, and we’re out of there.  Tomorrow is a big day for the both of us.  Meetings upon meetings, and we won’t have much US time during the day. 

But hey, I’m all for having that time now. 

* * * * * * * 

End of Part 12

TBC…..

Sic faciunt omnes

_ Everyone is doing it. _

This Chapter 13 in the "EXPERIENTIA DOCET" series.  

Narrated by Brian Kinney Featuring: Justin Taylor, Nicholas Brendon, Michael Novotony, Emmett Honeycutt, Cynthia Morgan, and others 

Series Rated NC-17 and contains no warnings or spoilers.

September 2002 Summary: Brian and Justin go out on a night on the town.  However things don’t go as Brian had hoped they would. 

Disclaimer: no profit made … The Boys are not mine.. No matter how much I ’ d love to have them …

* * * * * * *  

To say that I’m fucking pleased that the day went well would be an understatement.  Justin and Nicholas met with the crew and producer of the ad, and things clicked.  Then we meet with Mr. Jacobs briefly at the studio, and I caught a glimpse of Justin’s past, as the two talked for hours it fucking seemed about people they both knew, and Justin’s family.  I knew that Justin’s family issues were bad, but from what I caught of their conversation, it’s worse then I knew.  All Justin would tell me was that his dad denied he had a son the moment Justin came out… I didn’t know everything else.  To say that Craig Taylor is lucky that I haven’t met him would be a lie.  Why would anyone treat a son like Justin that was is beyond me?

After the mess with the studio, I dropped Justin and Nicholas off at the hotel, while unfortunately I headed back to work.  Justin wants to head out to the clubs tomorrow, and I don’t really want to tell him no.  But then there’s that part of me that really doesn’t want him to know what I was like before him.  To say that I have a reputation would be an understatement.  Everyone knows who I am, and Justin could take things the wrong way.  Okay, so he already knows the sordid details of my life, but I still don’t feel comfortable with having him right in the thick of things.  I don’t want him to change his mind about us.

Now, I’ve never been scared in my life, about anything… but dammit if I’m not just a little bit afraid that he’ll see who I am…was, and wonder if I can be the man he wants.  He deserves a hell of a lot, I know this, and I want to be that person.  I’m not sure if I can though.  I do know that if he ever were to find out about my little slip-up there last week, that would be the end of everything.  So all I have to do is keep him from knowing.

Anyway, when I get home we decide to spend the rest of the day at the loft.  I shut off the phone, and don’t answer the door.  I know that after the guys had seen Justin they would be all over.  Mickey called my office and bitched to me once again, and frankly I don’t know what to say to him.  Yeah, I never did believe in this shit, but then again, I never had met anyone like Justin before.  What am I to do?  Say no, I don’t want to spend time with him?  That I don’t want to be with him?  I can’t say that, cause it would be a flat out lie.  I enjoy Justin’s company.  I can see myself staying with him for a while.  

Tomorrow we have the ‘official’ meeting with Mr. Jacob, then Justin and Nicholas will be spending the rest of the afternoon going over what they need to do.  While they are doing that, of course, I get to fuck around the office doing stupid shit – when all I want to do is spend the whole day with Justin.  He’s not here for long, and I want to make sure that we get as much time in together as we can before he leaves to go back to LA.

I can say one thing though, I am thrilled about working out of the LA offices part time.  At least that gives us a chance to maybe make this whole thing work.  I’ll have to spend half of my time there, and with his stops here I don’t see why we can’t.  I always thought that this would be hard – you know being in a ‘relationship’ – that it would be a lot of work.  It’s not that bad.  Yeah so my phone bill will be outrageous, but hell that’s alright.  Maybe it’s just easier than what everyone says cause he’s there and I’m here.  But hey, I can do this.  

* * * * * * *  

When I got home, Justin was waiting for me.  Seeing him there, waiting for me to come home – fuck this is something I think I could get used to rather quickly.  I already know that I enjoy waking up to him every morning, having him beside me when I go to sleep.  I never thought I would, but here I am.  I’m in a fucking relationship, and the funny thing is… I think I could get used to this.  

Yeah, I know… he’s going to be heading back to LA here again soon, and lucky fucking me; I get to stay here in glorious Pittsburgh.  This long distance thing is going to be the death of me, I just know it.  

Anyway, Justin’s been bugging me to take him to Babylon.  As much as I want to keep him away from my so called friends, and keep him to myself – okay so I’m fucking greedy, can you blame me? – I decide to get ready and head out.   The moment we walk in, I know that this is a bad idea.  That sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that had been forming since the moment Justin had asked me just keeps growing.  I am beginning to feel a little sick.

Fuck me.  Between seeing everyone just pawn all over him from the first moment we stepped out of the jeep, to wondering how things will work out… well let’s just say that the moment I see Anita I’m going to need something to take off the edge.  I step away from him and get everything from Anita that I’ll need to make it through the night, and when I turn around I see Emmett hanging all over Justin.  Oh fuck no.  I will not let that fairy queen near Justin.  Hell he could corrupt Justin.  I don’t need the kid to go all … well be all flamy and shit.  

As I step up to the two, I wrap my arm around Justin, silently letting everyone know that he’s with me and they can all back the fuck up.  I don’t like this shit…I’m not the jealous type, don’t get me wrong.  But dam if I’m going to let these assholes pawn all over him.  I don’t know if I’m able to do this.  I don’t know if I can handle this crap.  I am so not ready to try and be the jealous lover.  It’s not me.  “Let’s dance,” I say as I grab a hold of the front of Justin’s shirt and drag him out onto the dance floor.

I close my eyes briefly, feeling the beat start to pound around me.  With my arms around Justin, I begin to move to the rhythm, letting everything slip away.  This is where I belong, where we both belong.  Hell, I bet that no one thought that they would ever get this type of show out of Justin.  I knew the kid was a natural at a lot of things, but the way we moved together on the dance floor, well… let’s just say that it didn’t leave much to the imagination.  Bodies moving against one another, cocks straining inside the confines of our pants.  This is where I belong.  I think I can finally admit it.  I feel comfortable with Justin… something that I have never felt before.  

Okay, now I know I feel comfortable with Mikey, but what I am feeling right now… having Justin so close, gives me a sense of something that I have never felt before.  I don’t need the drugs that Anita gave me to feel free… to feel secure… just the feel of this man’s arms around my waist, his body pressed against mine.  This is all the damn drugs I need.  The outside world disappears and it leaves only Justin and I.  Nothing else matters at this moment.

* * * * * * *  

Justin and I danced a couple more songs, drank a couple of beers, when I decided that it was time for us to get the hell out of dodge.  I was horny as hell and all I wanted was some time away from the assholes trying to get a piece of the man beside me.  I glance at Emmett, and see him and Justin in a conversation.  I can see Emmett keeping others away… shielding Justin from his admirers.  Who would’ve thought that I would be able to count on him to help me out…sure as hell not me.  “Ready to go,” I ask Justin leaning in to him so I could nibble on his ear.  Letting him know what my intentions were.  Like he would have any doubt after my cock had been pressed against him most of the damn night.

“Yeah… let me finish this, and we can go.  Five minutes?”  Justin said turning his head slightly toward mine.  

“I’ll get the coats,” I tell him.  I look up at Emmett letting him know that if anything happens to Justin while I’m gone, the other man would pay… and pay dearly.  

As I start to walk away, I saw Mikey out of the corner of my eye, glaring over at Justin.  I really don’t know where this problem that Mikey has with Justin comes from, but I know I need to address it sometime.  “Going to the backroom?  Sure you want to leave your boy-toy all alone,” Mikey yells over the music loud enough so that even Justin and Emmett can hear.  I want to turn and yell… I really don’t need Justin to think that I’m breaking my promise… but then again, there’s that small part of me that isn’t fully ready to let go of my reputation either.  Of course there’s the part of me that wonders as well, if I should say something.  Do I tell him that I’m not, and have Justin become suspicious?  Or would he become suspicious if I don’t say anything?  Relationships suck!  No wonder I don’t do these damn things.

“Now Michael, sweetie… you know that Brian has been a very good boy since he came back.  Why I haven’t seen him go into the back room once since he got back,” Emmett said.  I knew there was a reason why I liked that man.  He saves my ass without me even trying, without having to do anything.  “Not that I blame him with this hot young thing to sleep with.”

Okay… that just went a little far.  I just shake my head and once again start to head away from the guys.  

Of course that’s until Mikey opened his big mouth once again.  “Yeah, he doesn’t go to the back room, but he still goes to the baths.  At least that’s where I saw him last week.”  I am so dead.  Fuck!  “Come on… you know how he is.  Brian can have anyone he wants.”

“Michael,” Emmett gasps.  Fuck does anyone do drama like that man.  “That’s not true sweetie.  Michael’s just being a smart ass.  Don’t pay him no mind.”

“Look, I’m just saying that if Justin wants to be with Brian, he needs to understand how Brian is.  I know him the best.”  I don’t dare turn around.  I don’t even fucking dare.  All I know is that I am so dead.  If Justin asks me… can I lie to his face and say that what Mikey’s saying is not true?  Fuck!  Thank-you very fucking much, Mikey.  I know you’re trying to look out for me, I know that you think you know me the best and you’re only doing what you would do for anyone else… but dammit!   “It’s nothing against you, Justin.  I just don’t want you to get hurt by thinking that he would someone he isn’t.”

And the scary thing is…one, Michael actually believes what he’s saying.  And two…his damn jealousy is going to fuck everything up.  I know he doesn’t want me to be with anyone… I know he still has this dream of the two of us together… but FUCK!  I slowly turn to look over at Justin, and I see the disappointment in his eyes.  He wanted me… he was begging me to tell him that it wasn’t true.  That Michael was lying.  

“Brian,” Justin asked.  His voice was strong, but I could hear the hope in his voice.  It was telling me to deny it.  I roll my lips into my mouth, and turn away.  I just can’t look at him right now.  I can’t lie to him, not after everything that we have talked about, everything that we have been through.  “I better be going,” Justin said, pushing himself away from the bar.

Justin pushes past me and I follow him.  Reaching out I grab a hold of his arm, turning him toward me.  “Justin… I can explain.”

Silently he laughed, sounding forced.  “I really don’t know if I want to hear it, Brian.  You had said that you were going to be with only me.  I had told you that I knew you, and I knew it wasn’t in you… but you had told me that you could.  That you wanted to be.  So I went along with it.  I held up my end, Brian.  You didn’t.  You … Look I’m getting a taxi and heading toward the hotel, or somewhere.  I’ll come and get my stuff tomorrow.”

Justin turned away from me, and I turned him back around.  “It’s not what you think.”

“SO you didn’t go to the baths and fuck around,” he asked already knowing the answer.

I want to deny him… I want to say that I didn’t, but I had promised myself I wouldn’t lie to him.  “I can’t tell you that.  What do you want me to say?  What do you want me to do?”

Justin just shook his head and shrugged.  “Nothing.  Don’t say a word.  There’s nothing that you can say.  I’ll be in touch,” Justin said as he walked away.  Fuck.  I want to go to him.  I want to follow him, and get him to listen to reason – tell him why I did what I did… why I didn’t tell him – but I know that it won’t make a damn bit of difference.

* * * * * * *  

When I got to the studio the next day, after only going home long enough to shower and change, I began to look around for Justin.  I don’t really know where I ended up last night, all I know is that after Justin had left, I got in my car and just drove.  I didn’t want to go back to the loft if he wasn’t going to be there, and I sure as hell didn’t want to go back to the guys.  All I know is that I had to think of a way to get Justin to listen to me.  I know that I can make him understand.  I know I can.  

I can’t believe that I am so whipped… that I’m actually thinking of the ‘ _I’m sorry’_ shit.  Hell I never thought that one, I would ever be in a relationship, and two that I would have anything to apologize for.  I don’t do apologies, and I sure as hell don’t believe in the whole ‘ _here’s some flowers, I’m sorry… I’ll never do it again_.’  My pop played that shit with the warden all the time… every time that he would come home drunk, or beat the shit out of us.  Fuck that…I am NOT my fucking father, and I won’t play into some poor hetro bullshit.  

Yeah, I’ll admit I fucked up.  I know this, and I’m not ashamed to admit it.  Did I tell him… no, but hell he never really asked, so technically it’s not lying.  I would like however to make sure that he knows why I did it.  And I think I had a damn good reason for it to.  I mean, come on…this is the first… relationship – yuck – that I have been in.  I’m bound to fuck up once in a while, and so is he.

Granted Justin wouldn’t have even known about it if Mikey had just kept his big mouth shut.  I know who I have always been… I know that Mikey doesn’t like the idea of me being with someone.  Mikey doesn’t want me to change.  I know this, and a part of me wants that too.  But I’d like to think that I’m not that fucking teenager anymore.  I’d like to think that maybe I have grown up.  A little mind you. I really have to have a talk with Mikey about when to keep his thoughts to himself.

I see Justin standing with Nick, and I can see the anger coming from both men.  I am so fucked.  Not that I think that Nicholas could do a damn thing to me, but just knowing that Justin is pissed at me is enough to make my insides turn.  Fuck, I have no clue what I am doing.  For the most part I try to stay away from both of them throughout the day, giving Justin some space.  Hell, maybe if he calms down enough he’ll see how stupid this all is… he’ll actually be able to hear me out.

When they are done for the day, I watch Justin just shake his head at Nicholas, and leaves the other man’s side.  I stand still as Justin makes his way over to me.  Silently I’m hoping that it means he’s willing to give me a chance to explain… maybe he’s willing to listen.  He steps up in front of me, and refuses to meet my eyes… this is NOT a good sign.

“Are you heading back to your place,” he asked.

“Yeah… need a ride?”  Please say yes... Just say yes, Justin.

“I’ll meet you there, so I can get my stuff.”

I feel the air get sucked right out of me.  He’s really leaving.  “Where you staying?”  I wonder if he got a room at the hotel with Nicholas.  If so I may still have a chance.

“With a friend.  So when would be a good time to stop by?”

Justin still refuses to look at me, and I can’t help but wonder what the hell I can do to try and fix this.  “I’ll be home all evening,” I inform him.  I don’t feel like doing shit tonight, and I can only hope that I can have a shot while he’s getting his stuff to talk to him.  

“Okay.  I better go… I’ll stop by tonight.”

Justin turned and walked away.  I saw him get in a car with a young woman, and watched as they drove off.  

All I can say is that he’s going to hear me out.  I think he owes me that much.  We owe it to ourselves that much.  

* * * * * * *  

Viri sunt Viri

_ Men are slime _

__

This Chapter 14 in the "EXPERIENTIA DOCET" series.   
Narrated by: Justin Taylor Featuring Brian Kinney, Ben Bruckner, Daphne Chandler, and others   
Series Rated NC-17 and contains no warnings or spoilers.   
Summary: November 2003 Summary: Justin thinks about what he had learned about Brian.  Meanwhile, he deals with being back in Pittsburgh, his family, his past, and tries to decide what he should say to Ben’s class.  
Disclaimer: no profit made… The Boys are not mine. No matter how much I’d love to have them… 

 * * * * * * * 

Sitting here at Daphne’s all I can think about is that maybe I’m being unreasonable.  Maybe.  I don’t really know why I’m so pissed… scratch that I do know.  It’s not so much that he fucked someone, I mean I know who he is – and I shouldn’t be surprised.  I guess the thing is that he had promised me that he wouldn’t.  I had hoped that he would at least tell me if and when he did something like this.  I wish that he had.  

Maybe if he had told me instead of Michael… having me look like a complete fool in front of everyone – then maybe I wouldn’t have been so pissed.  Maybe we could work through this.  Now… now I just don’t know.  There’s no point to start thinking, what could’ve been.  I just wish that I would’ve had that chance.  I wish that he would’ve given me the chance… the choice.  

Fuck!

“You okay,” Daphne asks as she comes and sits down next to me on the couch.  I just shrug, not sure how to respond to that.  “I wish I knew what to say, what could help.  But I don’t know.  Listen though.  Answer a quick question for me.”

I turn to her and take a deep breath.  “What?”

“Do you love him?”

“Yeah, of course I do.  I have never felt this way about anyone before.  Never!  It’s just that…”

“Just nothing.  You said it yourself, you love him.  You know…knew what he was like before, and I know that you’re hurt.  But look at it from his place.”  I look at Daphne like she’s crazy.  I have no idea where she’s heading with this, but I know two things.  One she’s going to tell me anyway, and two… well I do want to know what she has to say.  She’s usually right about these sort of things.  “Okay, now I don’t really know Brian, but I do know what you’ve told me, what Blake has told me.  I even did a little checking myself,” she said with a small smile across her lips.  

“And,” I begin.

“Anyway, from what I can see, he’s scared.”

I laugh slightly, and shake my head.  “Brian doesn’t do scared.”

“Bullshit!”  Daphne takes my hands in her own and makes sure that we’re looking eye to eye.  “From everything that I’ve heard, Brian has never had anyone in his life to quote love, right?”  I shake my head slightly, I can’t deny that.  From everything that he’s told me about his past, and from what I’ve seen of his ‘family’ here… and what I’ve heard from Blake, I know that Brian hasn’t ever really been in this place before.  Not really anyway.  “Okay, so he finds someone who he cares a LOT about, and they have this incredible time together.  But then he has to go… leave the one thing that he has found he could love.  So if say, something happens… something that get him a little worried… I don’t know the party you went to, or something like that.  Something that he can’t be there with you… to see you, and how you feel about him.  What do you think he’s going to do?”

“Go back to the one thing that’s never let him down,” I quietly say.  It’s what I had been afraid of from day one.  That the first sign of trouble he would go back to the easy path.  It’s not what I wanted.  Not at all.  But I can’t deny that it’s a surprise.

“Now… I’m not done yet.  Okay, let’s say that he finds out that he never should’ve worried in the first place… that it was all in effect – in his head.  What to you think he’s going to do?  To Brian, from what I hear and understand, has never felt that tricking was something to remember.  It was always a release… nothing more.  Nothing worth remembering once it’s over.  But you… you are in his thoughts every day.  You have given him something that he thought he never deserved.  So what is he going to do?  He’s going to hide it… not because he doesn’t want you to know… but because maybe he’s ashamed.  I don’t know.  But I know that he cares for you.  There is no doubt in my mind, and there shouldn’t be in yours.”

I nod my head slightly.  I can understand that, really I can.  Tricks don’t mean a thing to him… I knew that.  “I guess it’s just the fact that … I don’t know.  He had promised… he had promised, even when I told him I didn’t think he could do it…”

“Are you stupid?  God, no wonder he fucked up,” Daphne yells.  “No wonder he didn’t tell you.  You flat out told him that you didn’t trust him.  You told him that you didn’t think that he was able to give you what you wanted.  What do you expect him to do if and when he fucks up?  Go up to you and tell you that you were right?”

“It isn’t like that… I… fuck,” I say as I put my head in my hands.  “I had hoped that he could do it, but I didn’t want HIM to feel trapped.  I didn’t want him to feel as if he owed me anything.  I wanted us to be together because we wanted to.  I wanted…”  I turn toward Daph so I can try to explain why I feel the way I do.  It’s not easy, especially since I’m not really sure myself.  “I knew that since we were both so far away from each other, that it would be hard.  I knew that it wouldn’t be easy, and I wanted something to hold on to.  I knew I wouldn’t cheat on him… I had hoped that he would do the same.”

“But you listened to what everyone else told you,” she said as she put her hand on my arm.  “You listened to them, and not what you knew about him from your time together.  Do all those people who talked bad about Brian see the two of you together when your alone?  No.  So why do you listen to them?  They don’t know the Brian you do.”  
  
I look out the window across the room, and just take a deep breath.  She’s right… they don’t know the same Brian I do.  But is that enough to forgive him.  Is it enough for me to say fuck it, and have him hurt me again?  Do I open myself up to that?  Can I?  “I don’t know what to do, Daph.  I just don’t know.  I want to say that it’s okay, but...”  I stand and walk over to the window, and just look out.  Daphne knows me better than anyone.  She’s the one who has ALWAYS been there for me.  “You know what it’s been like for me… what it does to me to come back here.  What I have been looking for all my life.. you know that.  Brian’s life isn’t the only one that has been fucked up… I think I’m definitely in the running for shitty life of the century.  I wanted something different.”  
  


Daphne comes up behind me and wraps her arms around me.  “Justin… Brian isn’t your dad… he isn’t your mom.  He isn’t Hobbs.  Don’t try to think that what you have with him is anything like what you’ve had throughout your life.  This is different.  Even I can see that.  Just think about it.  Think about what you want.  Don’t give in cause it’s something you think you should do, but don’t punish him because of what others have either done, or said.  Do what YOU feel you have to do.  Take the time to figure out what YOU want.”

This is the reason why I love her so much.  Daphne has never pulled punches with me… she always tells me what I need to hear, not what I want to hear.  I need to step back, and think about what I want.  I know I want Brian… but can I deal with the doubt that this whole things has placed in my mind?  Can I trust him again?

 * * * * * * * 

“No, tomorrow I’m going to talk to this class at the university,” I tell the person on the other end.  “I think I’m going to head back a couple days earlier though.”

“Are you sure that this is what you really want to do?  Can you live with yourself if you just ignore him,” Anthony asks me.  After my talk with Daphne, I just couldn’t decide… so I picked up the phone and called the other person who wouldn’t sugar-coat things.  “I understand that it hurts, I do.  But Justin, you need to realize that if you don’t at least hear him out… hear what he has to say, then you will never know.  There will always be this shred of doubt in your mind.  Can you live with that?”

Sitting on the couch, I pull my legs up to my chest and close my eyes.  “I just hate being lied to.  And he did.  Every time we were together he in effect, lied to me.  I don’t know if I can trust him again, no matter what his explanation is.  I don’t know if I can.”

“Alright, let me ask you this… and I want an honest answer.”

“Okay,” I agree.

“If you were here, back in LA and Brian was here with you.  If this happened here, and not there in Pittsburgh, what would you do?”

Damn him for being so reasonable.  I know where Anthony is getting at and I’m not sure that I really want to think like that.  “So you’re saying that because I’m here… where everything happened, that it’s just making everything seem worse?”  I really don’t like to think that this place has that type of hold on me.  “Do you have any idea how embarrassing it was to be there and have that come out?”  
  


“And you’ve had enough embarrassment there haven’t’ you?  You’ve had enough happen there that things should be different,” he asks quietly.

“This is different.”

“Tell me,” he says.

I sit there and just look out the window again.  I kinda hope that I’ll find the answers I’m looking for out there.  “It’s hard to explain.”  I know that he won’t let me off the hook… just like Daphne.  No more so than Daphne.  Maybe I should’ve called someone else, but I know that it’s what Anthony tells me I need to know.  I run my hand through my hair, and take a deep breath.  “Being here… it’s like I never left, but yet it feels like I’ve been away forever.  I can barely remember the good times, I don’t even remember if there ever were.  Everyone who ever turned their back on me… who ever hurt me is here.  I thought… I guess I thought that Brian would be different.  I thought that he would allow me one good thing about this damn city.”

“So are you more upset that he doesn’t meet your fantasies – your wildest dreams, no matter how irrational they are – than you are that he cheated on you?”  Damn him.  I honestly don’t know the answer to that.  I don’t.  But I can see where he’s going with it.  He wants me to look at things from all perspectives… to see if this is what I really want.  If being with Brian is worth the amount of pain that I may have, because the good I’ll get out of it could be a lot more… or if being without him is what I need.  “Just think about it.  Think about why this bothers you so much… and why you are doing the things you are doing.  Being back in that city, just may NOT be what’s best for you.  I know that you think that you have gotten past all the pain you have experienced there, but I don’t think you are.  You haven’t talked about it… you have basically shut all of that out of your life.  It hasn’t helped your problems, it’s only compounded them.  Take a good look at why you’re doing what you’re doing.  If this is what you want… if being away from Brian is what you need for yourself, then I will be there for you.  But you have to be sure that it’s what you really want.  Because once you do this… there will be no turning back.”

 “I will, I promise,” I tell him.  And I really will.  Just not right now.  

“So have you seen or talked to your mother yet,” Anthony changes the subject.  

I know he means well, and I’m all for it, but there’s some things that I’m not even sure I’m ready to face.  “Not yet.  I think I might pick Molly up at school though and take her out.  I don’t know.  I know I should, but…”

“Don’t let your father stop you from seeing your mother and sister.  I’m sure that, as resourceful as you are, you can find a way to see them,” he says and I can almost see the smile playing across his lips.  He’s right.  I shouldn’t let my dad stop me from seeing mom and molly.  The only thing is… am I ready to face my mom?

 * * * * * * * 

As I walk into Ben’s classroom the next morning, I can only wonder what the hell I’m doing here.  I mean what will I say… what do they want to know?  I mean, it’s not like I would really have much to say.  I’m not Sir Ian McKellen so it’s not like I can tell anyone about the real hardships of being gay and a star.  Hell I’m not even close to being in the same league as he is.

“Hey, I’m glad that you could come, and that you agreed to do this,” Ben asks from behind his desk.  He stands and holds out my hand to shake.

“You’re welcome.  Although, I’m a little confused as to why exactly I’m here.  I don’t even know what to say,” I tell him honestly as I return his handshake.  Ben seems like a good guy.  He’s honest, and he seems like the type of person who wouldn’t fuck around with you.  I don’t know, but he seems like an alright guy.  

Ben laughed slightly and led me over to a chair by his desk.  “I don’t think that coming up with things will be a problem.  I think that the students will come up with enough things to ask you about.  I told them that you might be coming and they have a lot of things that they want to know.”

“Damn, I guess I shouldn’t worry then.  Just hope that I don’t completely embarrass myself I guess,” I say back shaking my head.  It still to this day amazes me that I’m quote famous.  Who would’ve thought?  Not me that’s for sure.  It feels good knowing that people actually give a damn about me… even if it’s just lust, or whatever.  People actually want to know about me, in a round about way.  Hell when I was growing up here, no one wanted to listen to what I had to say.  No one gave a damn what I did.  Now I have to watch every step I make, every word I say.  Everything is like gospel to these people.  I definitely have to watch what I do.  I don’t think that I will ever get used to it.  “So how do we start this?”

“Well I figured that I would introduce you, not that it’s really needed,” he said with a small smirk.  Fuck this is so unreal.  Me!  Talking to college students.  Especially when most of them are my age or older.  “Then we just have them start asking questions.  Whatever you think would be the easiest.”

“I’m used to people just asking question,” I tell him.  “I’m not one to really share things about me.  I’ll answer questions, but to just stand there and talk… it’s just not really me.”  

Ben shook his head at me, and we just sat there and talked until the students started to come into the room.  I see quite a few of them just point at me and talk amongst themselves.  Now that’s what I’m used to… the whole ‘star-worshiping’ thing.  It’s strange, but it’s also what I signed up for, I guess.  I constantly tell Nick and Anthony that this is the part of the job that I hate.  If I could just do what I like to do, and NOT have to do these type of things – then I would be happy.  I have had too many strange people come up to me.  I still don’t like being in large crowds.  There are times that I can feel the hate coming from some of the people.  The hate that stems from homophobia.  And that’s something that I have had more than enough of for one life time – hell ten lifetimes.

“Alright, everyone. I hope you have your assignment completed,” Ben smiled to his class.  “We have been covering the way homosexuals are treated in the media, and in Hollywood.  We’re very lucky to have with us, Justin Taylor.  He has agreed to come in and answer some of your questions.  There maybe some that, as I said before, he will not answer, but that’s not to be held against him.  Let’s keep the questions to the subject matter at hand that we have been covering this past week.”  Ben turned to me, and I smiled gratefully at him.  “Justin.”

I walk up to the small podium at the front of the classroom, and take a deep breath.  “Hi.  First off, I just want to thank Mr. Bruckner for letting me come here today, for inviting me to come and talk to your class.”  Some of the students just started clapping, and whistling, that I had to laugh.  “So I guess we’ll start with the questions, and see how this goes.  I don’t know how you want to do this,” I turn to Ben slightly, and shrug.

Ben smiled and started to call on people who had their hands raised.  As the questions began, I looked around the room taking it all in.  Everyone seemed in good spirits, and that allowed me to feel more comfortable.  I’m glad that I don’t have to deal with the ‘Hobbs-type’ in this room.  In the back of the room, however, I spot something that makes me pause in the middle of answering someone’s question.  Shaking my head, hoping to clear my thoughts, I continue on like nothing is wrong.  

That’s why, I guess I’m an actor.  I can pretend that nothing is bothering me.  Pretend that I am not having a serious argument within myself.  Pretend that my head and heart weren’t at war.

But I can’t pretend that Brian isn’t standing there in the back of the room, watching.

 * * * * * * * 

TBC…

** EXPERIENTIA DOCET  **

Pons Asinorum 

_ The Bridge of Fools _

This Chapter 15 in the "EXPERIENTIA DOCET" series.   
Narrated by: Justin Taylor Featuring Brian Kinney, Jennifer Taylor, Molly Taylor, Daphne Chandler, and others   
Series Rated NC-17 and contains no warnings or spoilers.   
Summary: November 2003 Justin must face his family, and deal with his old life in Pittsburgh, before returning to LA.  
Disclaimer: no profit made… The Boys are not mine. No matter how much I’d love to have them… 

 * * * * * * * 

I had called Molly last night, and told her that I was going to pick her up at school today.  I would bet a million dollars that she was jumping up and down.  I talked to mom for a bit as well, and I know she wants to see me.  I just told her that I would try to do that tonight, but no guarantees.  So here I am, standing outside of my old school, trying to keep the memories from flooding through my mind.  I don’t want to remember the hell I went through here, of everything that I lost.  

Standing there by Daphne’s car, I watch as Molly comes down the stairs followed by her friends.  Everyone is walking past pointing, and gawking.  Everyone is wondering what in the world I am doing there.  Molly reaches me and her friends are all giggling standing beside her.  “Ready,” I ask her, not wanting to really get into a whole mess with a bunch of teen-age girls. 

“Justin I want you to meet my friends,” she said quickly going through introductions.  I smile and shake their hands, just wanting to get out of here as quickly as possible.  I know it will be worse as time goes on, since she did say she wanted to go to the mall.  Can we say that I have arrived in hell.  Fuck me.  But she’s my sister, I love her, and I haven’t really seen her a lot in the past couple of years.  So I’d do anything for her.  “Okay, let’s go.  I’ll see you guys later,” she said to her friends as she climbed into the car.

I go around to the drivers side and get in.  “You did that on purpose,” I tell her.  Molly tries to look all innocent, but I know her too well.  “What you think that knowing me will push you up on the social ladder at school?”  
  


“Well duh,” she said.  “Kathryn Jessup kept telling me that I was lying, and she didn’t believe me.  She’s a major bitch.”  I look over at her quickly wondering slightly when she started talking like that.  I always used to get yelled at by mom and dad when I even attempted swearing in front of Molly.  “Anyway, why shouldn’t I use you to get a head.  I mean you’re like on almost all the girls’ lockers and stuff.  I try to tell them that they are all full of shit, cause there would never have a chance with you.  They kept telling me that the news of you being gay was wrong, and you were the hottest stud in all of Hollywood.  Now… well now, they will be all over me, hoping to get a chance to talk to you.  It works out perfectly.”

“Ohhh well, it’s good to see that I’m good for something, Mollusk,” I tell her rolling my eyes.  What an honor it is to be the fantasy of young girls everywhere.  Great!  Not!  “Let me guess, you never once told them that they were wrong – that I am in fact gay.”

Molly just shrugged.  “Why would I do that?”

Shaking my head, I try to understand the reasoning of a thirteen-year old girl.  I know, it’s impossible, but hey.  “Maybe cause it’s true.”

“So, they don’t need to know that.  We’re entitled to our fantasies.  So what if they think that.  You are like the next Leonardo DeCaprio.”

Fuck me.  “Yeah,” I say sarcastically.  “So how many of your schoolmates did you tell about our little mall excursion?”

“Come on, it’s not like I had them announce it on the speaker, or hand out flyers.”

I am in so much trouble.  Have I mentioned how much I hate this?  Maybe I should’ve kept my mouth shut, and told her that a nice quiet night at home would be good.  But no.  I had to ask her what she wanted.  I really need to ask Alyson what a girls are like.  Alyson or Daphne.  Help me.  Hopefully I can get past this and get out of there in one piece.  Why do I suddenly wish that I was on speaking terms with Brian right now?  Why do I think that maybe I should just drop Molly off at Mom’s and go talk to him?  Simple.  Cause talking to Brian seems less dreadful than this little quality time with my sister.

 * * * * * * * 

Can it get any worse?  I really thought I was prepared for this, but it by far a thousand times worse than anything then I have imagined.  Here I am, in the mall, hanging out with some twenty teenage girls.  Could life get any worse?  Why don’t they just kill me now?  Every time that I try to tell them that I need to check something out, hoping to get away from them – they follow me.  I am so going to kill Molly when this is over with.  Never again will I make this promise to her.  She’s on her own.  They are all asking me questions, touching me – not like that thank god – and I feel one hell of a headache coming on.  Who was I kidding?  Thinking that I could do this without help.  Why does god hate me so much?

I can just see Nick now… laughing his ass off.  Oh yeah, he’d get a kick out of this.  The fucker.  Finally I am able to get away from them, since there is no way in HELL I will go into Fredericks, and I go into a nearby store.  I look up quickly and just freeze.  There is no way in hell I’m seeing what I think I’m seeing.  No way.  Now I’m certain that someone hates me… fate couldn’t be this cruel.  I want to run, I want to get as far away from here as possible, but my feet seem to be securely cemented to the ground.  I can’t move, I can’t breathe, nothing.  All I can do is stand there and stare… stare at the one person who had hurt me the most.  The main reason why I ran.  

Chris Hobbs was in the very store that I am in.  Chris Hobbs is fucking standing not twenty feet away from me.  Chris fucking Hobbs is here.  I guess that Anthony was right – I’m NOT over it.  I feel the panic start to rise up in me.  I need to get the fuck out of here.  Now. 

I feel someone lay a hand on my arm and I try not to cry out – but I couldn’t stop jumping slightly.  “Hey,” I hear a quiet voice beside me.  Through a haze I can barely make it out as Brian.  Right now it could be anyone, and I don’t know if I would really care.  Anything to take my mind off of who is standing so close to me.

“I gotta get out of here,” I tell him as I quickly make my way toward the entrance and out of there.  I spot Molly in the hallway waiting for me, and I just tell her that I have to go outside for a bit.  I told her I’d meet up with her later.  I don’t even notice if Brian is following me or not, and I’m not sure I care.  All I know is that I had to get some air before I go into a full panic attack.  

Once I get outside I pull out my small bottle of pills, and pop one in my mouth.  Sitting down on the small stone wall, I put my head down hoping to catch my breath.  I fumble with my pack of cigarettes, hoping that it will help calm my nerves.  Suddenly I see a cigarette in front of me, and a lighter being held in large hands.  “Here,” I hear Brian say.  

“Thanks,” I quietly reply.  Lighting the cigarette, I take a deep breath letting it fill me, calm me.  I can feel the panic reside and I close my eyes calming even more.  

I feel Brian sit down next to me, and lights up himself.  “Want to tell me what that was all about?”

I suddenly remember that I’m pissed at him, and I really don’t want to deal with this right now.  “Not really… just say someone that I wish I never had to see again.  That’s all,” I briefly tell him.

“Justin,” he begins.

“Brian, stop,” I say not looking at him.  I can’t look at him, not now when I’m feeling so vulnerable.  I know that if I do, I’ll forget everything that has happened between us lately and I’ll give in… give in and let him off the hook.  I can’t do that.  I respect myself enough… respect him enough.  “I can’t deal with … us right now.  I don’t think that this is the time nor the place to even have a discussion on … on that shit.  Okay?”

“Am I going to have the chance?  Are you going to give me a chance,” he asked me.

I don’t know… I really don’t know how to answer him.  Do I say yes, then leave town and never talk to him again?  Do I give him the chance, and let him hurt me all over again?  “I don’t know, Brian.  But it seems like you’re following me around, so who knows.”  I turn slightly so I can look out at the parked cars, still not ready to face him yet.  “Why are you following me around?  I mean the University, here… what’s next?  You can’t force me to talk to you, Brian.  You can’t force the issue.  If and when I’m ready you’ll be the first to know.  Btu right now, I can’t.  Just leave me alone right now.  Go about your life, like you never met me, and when I’m ready we can sit down like two civilized adults and talk about it.  But right now, I’m not even close to the right frame of mind to listen.”

Brian is silent for a while, as we just sit and smoke our cigarettes.  Neither one of us knows what’s going on, or where anything is going.  I don’t know if we even want to know right now.  “Do you want to tell me what that whole mess was in the store there?  I know that something scared the shit out of you.  Who was that guy?”

I shake my head and take a deep breath.  “I really don’t want to talk about it.  I’m okay now.  Really.  I don’t need you to try and make it all better.”

“I just want to be your friend, can’t I do that,” he asked exasperated.  I can tell that he’s upset, and I just don’t have it in me to try and calm him.  Not right now.  “Justin, no matter what happens between us, I want you to know that I’m here if you ever need to talk,” he informed me lightly laying his hand on my arm.  “I hope that that hasn’t changed.”

I stand and stub out my cigarette.  “I don’t know Brian.  I don’t know if I can stand to be around you right now.  You embarrassed the hell out of me that night.  I don’t know if I can go through this shit again.  I need to be able to trust you again.  That’s what relationships are about.  How can I trust you again?  How can I go back to LA and trust that you’re not going to fuck around on me?  I don’t trust you.”

“What can I do to get you to trust me again,” he asked me.  

I close my eyes, and shrug my shoulders.  “I don’t know, Bri.  I really don’t.”  I left him there, and headed back into the mall to find Molly.  I needed to get out of this damn mall… out of this damn city.  First I had to drag a certain teenager away from her friends.

 * * * * * * * 

I walked up to the front door of my parent’s new home, and I quickly take note that my dad’s car isn’t in the driveway.  To say that I’m absolutely pleased with that would be a complete understatement.  I really am not ready to deal with him right now.  With his hatred toward what I am.  It’s the last thing that I want to deal with… ever.  I’ve dealt with enough hate in my life so far, and I can’t handle it anymore.  I am so tired to being judged and prosecuted for being gay, for being who I am.  

Slowly I head up the stairs toward the living room.  It’s a different house, but I still feel the same I did when I left.

My dad, and some others, all think that this is either a phase or I chose to be this way.  I want to throw all the books and shit in their face and tell them to fucking learn what it is to be gay.  It’s not a phase or a disease.  Fuck.  Some people seem to think that a fist or a bat will ‘straighten’ me out.  Yeah right, like that will ever happen.

I knew I should’ve just let Molly out of the car and drove off.  But NO!  My sister pouted and whined until I gave in.  Now, standing here in my parents’ living room, wondering if I will get out of this in one piece.  “Justin,” I hear my mom cry out as she comes out of the kitchen.  “How are you doing?  I’ve missed you,” she said as she pulled me into a hug.  

“I’m doing okay, Mom,” I say as I let myself be comforted by her love.  God, I’ve missed this.  Mom has always been there for me… well for the most part.  I wish that things had ended differently, that she had been able to love me the way I wanted her to.  But that’s selfish… she had Molly to worry about, and it wasn’t like Dad gave her much of a choice.  I know that she regrets it, but to me it’s still a small comfort.  I was tossed aside like and old, worn-out shirt.  Mom has tried to make up for it… she has – and I love her for it, but the pain is still there.  I need my mom, more times than I care to admit.  “I missed you too, Mom.”

Mom pulls back and looks me over.  “You look wonderful,” she says with tears in her eyes.  “Are you staying long?”

I know she wants us to be a family, to be what we once were.  The only thing is I can’t go back to that.  I can’t pretend to be someone I’m not, and that’s what Dad wants me to do.  Mom… well Mom wants things to be the way they were before I left… years before I left.  She wants her family back, and wants me to be there with them.  I can’t do that – too much has happened.  There is just too much pain that I can’t ignore it anymore.  “I’m leaving in a couple of days.  I’m here for a project, that’s all.”

“Oh,” she said – the disappointment evident in her voice.  “You’ll at least stay for dinner?  I’m sure your father…”

“Mom,” I begin interrupting her.  “You know I can’t.  Not after… I can’t.  I love you -- you know that -- but I can’t.  I better go.  I’ll call okay,” I tell her and Molly, then walk out the door before they can say anything more.  The thing is… I would love to stay, to have that back.  I just know that it will never happen.  No matter how hard I try.  It’s in the past, and I’m done with it.

 * * * * * * * 

Laying in on the couch in Daphne’s small apartment, I place the cigarette up toward my lips and take a deep breath.  When I had left LA, everything seemed so hopeful.  I had high hopes for this trip.  I had hoped that I could finally put the past behind me, and go about my life – finally live my life.  I wanted to have things work out between Brian and I… have his friends like me, have my family be like we were before.  I guess I was just living in a dream world.  I was sooo wrong.

I know I should sit and listen to what Brian has to say, I know that I should.  The only problem is… the pain right now is just too strong.  I feel as if my entire being is being ripped to shreds.  I wish he had told me himself.  I might have – and that’s a BIG might – have been able to forgive a little easier.  I don’t know.  I guess I’m just pissed that he took the choice away from me.

Looking at everything now, I think – no realize that is my biggest problem.  It’s not so much that he lied to me, I mean yeah it hurts a LOT, but it’s the fact that once again someone took something from me.  All my life I’ve had people make decision for me.  It was always someone telling me what to do, what to think, what to feel, what to… hell everything.  That was one of the main reasons why I left his town, why I took that guy up on his offer.  It was the first time in my life where I was able to make my own choices, my own decisions.  

With my parents, it was always you will… you will.  Do this… do that.  ‘You’re not to talk about your disgusting life-style… you’re not be gay.’  What the fuck ever!

I left here, wanting to me myself… wanting to be able to make my own choices, my own mistakes.  That’s what I wanted.  I was happy… well as happy as I could be.  When I met Brian, I knew pure happiness for the first time in my life.  I knew that I wanted him in my life, that I wanted everything.  I thought things would be different that I would have a choice.

God, even there in LA I was being told what to do.  What I should do, who I should see… who I can be.  It’s like with this whole Ethan thing.  Ethan is my type… we would be perfect for each other.  Talk about making me fucking sick!

Then there’s the whole mess saying that I can’t hold Brian’s hand… anyone’s hand … in public.  I can’t be who I am in public.  Okay now don’t get me wrong, I know what I was getting into when I agreed to take the job.  I agreed to play by certain rules, and I can do that.  I can accept that.  But I won’t have them dictate who I can and can’t see.  I can do the ‘proper’ thing out in public, but my private life is just that… private.

And Brian… God!  What do I say about that?  I love him, there is no doubt in my mind.  But no matter what I say or do, it just may not work out.  He took the right for me to make the decision on my own.  I’m not saying that it would have been perfect, and that I would’ve forgiven him… well not right away, but I know that I would’ve had the chance to choose.

Instead I had that right taken away from me.  His friend – ha! – took that away from me.

I’m not stupid, really.  I know that I will forgive Brian.  There’s no doubt in my mind that I will.  I will forgive him, and we’ll be back together.  I don’t want him to NOT be a part of my life.  I love him, and I want him beside me.

The only thing is… this time, it will be on MY terms.  I will make him come to me, more so than before.  He will have to beg for forgiveness.  And when I’m sure that he won’t try to pull this shit on me again – once I know he’s learned a little lesson… well then I’ll take him back.

  
Does that make me a bad person?  Maybe, but I don’t know if I really care.  I love him… I want him… I fucking need him like I need to breathe.  I just don’t want him to think that he can walk all over me, that he can make decisions for me without my input.

That’s what I want.  That’s what I need.  I only hope that he agrees, cause I don’t know what to do if he doesn’t want to fight for me… for us.  No… I can’t think like that.  I know that it will work out.  We will be together again.  It’s just a matter of time.

I’m not going to make it easy.  But as my grandmother always said ‘good things come to those who wait.’  

I guess we shall see.

 * * * * * * * 

TBC…

EXPERIENTIA DOCET 

Sunt lacrimae rerum

There are tears for things

This Chapter 16 in the "EXPERIENTIA DOCET" series.   
Narrated by: Brian Kinney Featuring Justin Taylor, Michael Novotany, Deb, Emmett Honeycutt, Cynthia Morgan, Daphne Chandler, and others   
Series Rated NC-17 and contains no warnings or spoilers.   
Summary: November 2003 Brian tries to figure out what he wants – if he’s willing to try and win Justin back.  Realizing what he wants, Brian begins to plan on how to go about it.  
Disclaimer: no profit made… The Boys are not mine. No matter how much I’d love to have them… 

* * * * * * *

Justin left today.  I stood there as his fucking plane taxied down the runway.  I have been trying to talk to him since this shit came down, but he’s hardly said two words to me.  Okay, so he’s said a lot to me, but unfortunately he hardly gives me the chance to say shit back.  I don’t know really what I would say, or hell, why I should say anything – but I think that he owes me the chance to try.

Fuck me.  When the hell did I become some fucking hetero or lesbian?  Maybe I will be better off now.  The chance to go back to the way things were.  Just forget that little fucking twink and go back to being Brian Kinney.  

I’m only kidding myself, really.  What is it someone said… you can lie to your friends, family, lovers, but you can’t lie to yourself?  I know that I’d be lying to myself if I actually went back to who I was.  Hell, the reason why I started this shit with Justin was because I was tired of all that old shit.  I am so fucking tired of everything having to be a certain way, and of everyone thinking that I’m who I’ve been portraying for the past … so many years.  I am so fucked.

I wonder if he’ll let me explain why I did what I did.  I mean he should understand, if he knows me at all.  I’m not used to this shit.  I’ve never been in a relationship before, so I don’t even have anything solid to go on as reference.  

No.  Fuck this shit.  He’s going to listen to me one way or the other.  I don’t give a flying fuck what he thinks, but if he thinks that he can just walk away from this… he’s got another thing coming.  

All I have to do is come up with a plan.  I have to try and come up with a way to sit him down so we can talk.  Hey, I haven’t come this far to have it all blow up in my face.  Fuck that shit.  No.  He opened the doors, and I’m not backing down now.

I do wonder, however, what the fuck happened to him at the mall.  He looked fucking terrified.  ‘Not really… Just saw someone that I wish I never had to see again.  That’s all’  I know that’s not all.  He may buy that line, but I don’t.  Whoever was in that store scared the hell out of him.  The entire time in LA, Justin didn’t smoke that much, when he did it was because he was stressed, or needed to think.  When he sat there smoking outside the mall, I knew that it must’ve been big… well that and the fact that he ran out of the store like the mob was chasing him.

He says he can’t trust me.  Okay, so I fucked up, I know this – but I guess I’m not really understanding why ONE fucking mistake, and he says it’s over.  I guess I just have to earn that trust back.  I’m an ad man, one of – no the best damn one in his city.  I just have to find a way to sell myself to him.  Show him that I admit to making a mistake – but he would be making a bigger one if he didn’t give me … us a chance.  

Shit, it was one mistake… I’m not perfect.  He’s not perfect – no matter how the ‘gang’ perceives him.  He needs to just put this behind him, and say fuck it.  He can’t trust me.  HA!  Why the fuck does one little fucking mistake ruin everything… I guess I don’t understand.  He’s just being completely unreasonable about the whole thing.  Demanding too much.  Hell he won’t even listen to reason.  Oh well… fuck it.  If he fucking wants me to just give in…to just do whatever he wants.  Fuck!  I am not some whipped love-sick fool!

Then why the hell can’t I sleep?  Why can’t I get him out of my head?  Why the fuck do I feel like I want to give him the world?  Just give in?  

I am so fucked!

 * * * * * * * 

Well, well.  Imagine my surprise when I enter Starbucks © and see that girl Justin was with.  She is just sitting there drinking a coffee, reading the paper.  Well maybe I can get some answers as to what the fuck is going on.  I grab my latte and plant myself in the chair across from her.  “Anything interesting in the news today,” I say, getting her attention.

“What?” She asked, looking up at me. “Oh wait… I know you.  You’re Brian.  Justin told me a lot about you.  Not that I can say it was all good,” she said as she set the paper off to the side.  

“It’s good to be famous,” I smirk.  I wonder just what Justin told her about me.  What she thinks she knows.  I doubt it’s anything, but she is Justin’s friend, and I need to get some answers.  “So…”

“So what the hell are you doing here?  Oh wait… I get it.  You want to get back with Justin, so you thought you’d get to him through me, right?”  I want to scream at her for being a smart-mouthed kid… she doesn’t know what she’s talking about, but instead I do what I have to do.  If I want to get anywhere, figure out anything, I need her help.  God, how pathetic is that shit?  “You can forget it.  I’m not going to help you hurt him anymore.  Justin’s my friend, and he’s been through hell and back again.  You don’t deserve him, and I won’t stand by and let ANYONE hurt him the way you did again.  Do we understand each other, Mr. Kinney?”

I shake my head and take a sip of my coffee.  She’s feisty.  I like that.  “You don’t know shit,” I simply tell her.  She doesn’t.  Hell, no one knows what Justin and I have done together, except us.

“Oh, I don’t, do I?  I know everything.  Who do you think he calls late at night after you guys fuck?  Who do you think he’s on the phone to when you arrive at his loft?  Who was there that night, and saw what you did to save him?  Who was there to help him pack his bags so he could leave this hell-hole?  It sure as hell wasn’t you.  It wasn’t his mom, or dad… or even Molly.  It was me.  So don’t tell me what I know and don’t know.  I know where your little tattoo is…”  She finished with a small smile on her face.

Fuck me… what the hell is this?  Okay, maybe I’ve underestimated her.  Maybe… just maybe, I’ve underestimated her and Justin’s relationship... but somehow, I get the feeling that she’s lying.  She has to be... right? 

“I know that you tried to find out how he was after the bashing,” she quietly added.  Okay, she got my attention.  How the fuck did she know that?  “I never told Justin, but I saw you a couple of times checking with the night nurse… seeing if he was alright.  I saw you at the trial once.  I’m not blind… I know you care about him.  I just don’t know how much.”

“Yeah, well I guess we don’t have to worry about that.  He won’t even talk to me,” I tell her.  I’m starting to feel a little vulnerable… and it’s not something I’m used to.  No one knows about any of that shit… no one.  How the hell did this kid know?  

“Do you blame him?” she asked.  “Look, Brian,” she began as she reached across the table to lay her hand on top of mine.  “Justin loves you… I mean he really does.  He wants to fight it… he doesn’t want to give himself over to anyone like that, but he has.  He’s given himself over to you.  Do you know how hard that was for him to do?”  She removes her hand from mine and sits back, I guess so she can try and think.

Me on the other hand… fuck!  “If he feels the way you say he does, then he would fucking talk to me,” I tell her.  Shit, to say that this was not what I expected when I sat down would be an understatement.  Okay, so I came here to try and get answers.  I know this.  But this…this is not what I expected.

Daphne takes a deep breath, and lays her hands on the table so she can lean forward a little.  She begins to talk – her voice quiet – so quiet that I have to lean forward myself to hear her.  “You don’t understand.  Justin… after the bashing, his life… his life was turned upside down – completely torn to shreds.  I tried to help him… I did, but it wasn’t enough.  His parents – well mainly his dad – treated him like shit.  His mom wanted to shelter him… wouldn’t let him out of the house.  The kids at school… god, it was a fucking mess.  We often talked about getting out of this place.  Just packing up and leaving.

“I guess he had enough one day.  I never did find out what happened, he wouldn’t tell me, but he came running to my house in the middle of the night.  The next thing I knew we were packing his bags into his car, and he was gone.  No one knew, except me,” she told me.  I knew things had been hard on him.  He would never get into details as to what happened, but I knew it wasn’t an easy time for him.  

“What happened after that?”

“He called me almost every day… letting me know where he was.  I never told anyone where he was at, or that he was even talking to me.  See everyone always said that they would never judge him… that they would always love him, never hate him.  But after what Hobbs did… everything that he believed, what everyone had told him turned out to be a lie.  He was gay… he was a freak… so why should they keep their promises?”  She shook her head in anger, and I can’t blame her.  “They weren’t the only ones either.  Once he got to LA… god it was awful.  He had no place to stay… no money to eat… things were just all around shit.  Then this guy… he told Justin that he could help him out… that … that he would never hurt Justin.”

I can almost see where this story is going, and I’m not liking it one bit.  I have to bite my lip to keep from yelling out.  Instead I just lean forward a little bit more, hearing for the first time something that no one else knows.  I know that this is something that only Justin and Daphne know… I checked into everything I could get my hands in.  Nothing came back that even remotely suggested anything like this.  “What happened?  Did he… was Justin… raped,” I find myself asking.

“At times I wish that he had,” I hear her say.  “No… at least not technically.  See, Josh… he used to say all the right things and stuff.  Used to treat Justin like a king, and Justin… god he feel for it.  Anyway, Josh started to take Justin to these parties, just to have a good time.  He didn’t rape Justin… instead he tried to sell Justin.  For drugs, whatever he could get his hands on.  When Justin confronted him, Josh told him that he had lied… he never loved Justin.  Justin was just a means to an end.  Nothing more, nothing less.”

I feel the bile start to rise up in my throat.  Just thinking about someone trying to sell Justin’s body for drugs… fuck me!  If I could find this ‘Josh’… ohhhh he would learn a thing or two about how to treat someone.  “And Josh wasn’t the only one who had lied to him once he got out there.  I mean look at his life.  ‘Oh it’s okay that you’re gay’… but then they turn around and treat him like shit if he’s seen holding someone’s hand.  Or worse tell him he HAS to date this prick Ethan… god!  I mean they are basically trying to run his life.  They tell him that he can live his life the way he wants, but the minute he ‘steps out of line’ they shut him off.  Justin only wants people to be honest with him.  That’s all he wants.  Did you know that he still gets freaked out in a crowd?  He still hasn’t gotten over the feeling that someone is going to come out of the shadows and finish the job?”

I can say that I didn’t know.  Well… I can’t really say that either.  I think I knew, but I didn’t want to believe it.  I mean it was years ago, he should be over it right?  “So honesty is the key to being with Justin?”

“Yes… everyone in his life has lied to him.  He has no one to talk to.  NO one.  Do you know what it’s like… do you have any idea what it’s like to have to sit there and have all these people pawing over you… trying to touch you, fuck you… when all you want to do is run away?  No one understands what it’s like for him.  He needs someone who can help him through it, who can hold him and tell him that it’s going to be alright.  Yeah, he has friends who care about him, but they don’t understand.” Daphne leans forward a little more.  “I mean I can’t really understand unless I was  gay.  I can’t tell him what he should be feeling cause I haven’t been there.  He needs someone he can trust.”

“He can trust me,” I tell her.

Daphne just laughs and leans back in her chair, crossing her arms in front of her.  “Oh really?  This coming from the man who promised him something, then went against it.  This coming from a man who lied to him about it… and not telling him is as good as lying to him.  You can’t keep things from him like that.  And that shit at the club?  It was like you threw it in his face… told him that he wasn’t worth your time.  That he wasn’t worth you telling him the truth.  He doesn’t care really that you fucked someone else… it’s that you lied to him about it… you didn’t tell him.  That’s why he won’t talk to you.  That’s what hurt him the most.  He needs someone he can trust to not hurt him, and throw his insecurities, and inexperience in his face.  He thought that was you.”

I just lean back in my chair and think.  Hell she gave me a lot to think about that’s for sure.  I guess I never realized how important it really was to him… and here I fucking lied to him plenty of times.  Fuck.  He won’t come to me, I know this now.  He’s not just having a dramatic moment, and will get over it with time.

No… he’s serious.  

 * * * * * * * 

After my talk with Daphne, I went home and basically drank myself into oblivion.  I had to do some serious thinking about what I wanted, what I was willing to give.  I guess that’s the thing that bothers me the most.  I have always believed that if you care about someone, you have to give a part of yourself to them… you lose yourself, basically.  I wasn’t ready to do that.  Hell, I liked who I was.  I had worked so damn hard to get where I was that I wasn’t ready to give it all up.

But Daphne gave me something else to think about.  She gave me the tools – the information I needed to think of things from where Justin stood.  To say that I’m thrilled with what I came up with… well the jury’s still out on that one.

I do know, however, what I need to do.  I realize that I do want Justin with me.  He’s the first person that I have been able to give myself over to, and not really worry about what’s going to happen.  I’m actually able to see us years from now… still fighting over the little things.  No things will never be perfect, but come on… we’re fags here.  Nothing is ever simple with us.

The first order of business is to get him to talk to me.  Get him to at least listen to what I have to say.  I finally understand what he wants of me.  It’s not really monogamy… it’s honesty.  He wants no secrets between us.  He wants someone that he can count on to be there for him when things get tough.  I finally know. 

So I start trying to call him.  I call… and call.  I can’t tell you how many messages I have left for him to call me.  

  
But the return calls never come.

So here I am… three days later waiting for Emmett to come into the diner.  I can only think of one way to get Justin to see me.  One way to be able to talk to him.  A part of me wishes that I didn’t have to go to such extremes, but hey… I’m desperate.

“Well, well… what do we have here,” Emmett says as he takes the seat across from me.  “Brian Kinney wanting to see little ol’ me.”  I roll my eyes and bite the inside of my cheek.  The last thing I need is to say something stupid to him that could ruin everything.  “Sooo, what can I do for you,” he asks me, placing his arms on the back of the booth.  He is just loving this, I can see it in his eyes.  Fucker.

I’m half tempted to just tell him to forget it, and walk out of there, but Justin’s face appears in my mind, and I know I have to do this.  I just wish there was another way.  Taking a deep breath, I decide to bite the bullet.  It’s now or never.  My only chance to start the ball rolling.  I lean forward and look up at Emmett.  “So Emmett… about this convention.  You still have tickets for it right?”

“Yah,” he says a little nervous.  “Why?”

“And I know Mikey isn’t going…”

“I don’t think he likes Justin all that much… and to tell you the truth, after that mess at Babylon, I don’t think that Justin needs him there.”  I nod my head in agreement.  I agree with him completely.  Justin doesn’t need that shit.  “Why do you ask?”

“Well if you still have an extra ticket… I’ll buy it off of you,” I tell him.  I roll my lips into my mouth, trying to tell him with my eyes that I don’t have any intention of hurting Justin, of causing the young man any more pain.  I know that’s what Emmett’s afraid of, I can see it in his eyes.  “So… what do you say?”

“You do realize how hard these tickets are to come by?  The only reason why I was able to get them is because I am head of the fan club here in Pittsburgh.  You can’t buy these off of the streets, you know,” Emmett tells me.  Somehow, I knew that he was in charge of something, of some fan club.  “So I have to ask…are you going to fix things,” he asks.  “You’re not going to stomp on his heart again?”

“Don’t plan on it, I promise.”

Emmett sits back for a minute so he can think about it.  I don’t say anything more… I don’t have to.  If he doesn’t believe me, then there’s nothing that I can say that will change his mind.  He’s going to have to go on what he knows about me… what he knows about Justin.  He’s just going to have to trust me.  There’s nothing I can say that will force him into one position or another.  It seems like an eternity before he nods his head.  “Okay.  You can have it… but I warn you,” he says leaning forward in the booth.  “If you hurt him… if you are trying to use me to do that… you’ll wish you had never met me.”

Emmett just stands and walks out of the diner.  Somehow, I believe him.  But all I know is… in three days I’ll get my chance to talk to Justin.  He can’t avoid me for much longer.

 * * * * * * * 

TBC…

** EXPERIENTIA DOCET  **

** Culpa est mea **

_ The fault is mine _

This Chapter 17 in the "EXPERIENTIA DOCET" series.   
Narrated by: Justin Taylor Featuring Nicholas Brendon Anthony Stewart Head, Blake Wyzecky, Brian Kinney, Daphne Chandler, and others   
Series Rated NC-17 and contains no warnings or spoilers.   
Summary: November 2003 Justin thinks about Brian, and comes up with a plan of his own, as he prepares to head to New York.  
Disclaimer: no profit made… The Boys are not mine. No matter how much I’d love to have them… 

* * * * * * *

It hasn’t even been 24 hours since I left Pittsburgh, and all I can think of is what I left behind.  A small part of me knows that I should’ve resolved things before I left, but the rest of me knew I needed to think of what exactly I wanted.  I want to forgive Brian, I want to hear what he has to say.  I do, really!  It’s just that… hell, I don’t know, I guess the wound is just too fresh.  Maybe with some time, we can get past this and work things out.  Who knows.  

If it’s one thing I learned, relationships suck.  I know, I know… I really shouldn’t think that, but with the way things have gone since I met Brian, can you really blame me.  The worse thing… I don’t know if I would have it any other way.  See the way I look at it – if we get past this then we will be stronger for it.  I know this.  

Of course we have to get through this, and for that to happen I have to break down and talk to him.  That’s the biggest problem, cause I’m not ready to forgive him yet.  I can only hope that for the next couple of days I’ll be too busy that I don’t have to think about the whole thing.  The next couple of days will be intense, we’re constantly going to be filming so we can start this convention tour before the holidays.  

Now here’s another thing… my life these next couple of years will be full.  I talked to Joss, and today I sign the contract to go over to Angel once this season is over with.  I have the promotion for the movie I’m in coming up next month, plus I’ve been asked to be in a couple more.  I don’t know when I will ever have time to do anything… let alone have a relationship.  I don’t want to seem selfish and tell him I’m willing to give us a go, when I won’t even be around for him.  What type of person would that make me?

It wouldn’t be fair to him.  Who’s to say that we wouldn’t be back here again?  Who’s to say that one of us won’t cheat on the other?  I’m going to be working non-stop.  I won’t have much time for myself… who’s to say I will have time for a boyfriend.  How the hell do people do it?  Fuck!

I spent the day trying to avoid everyone.  I didn’t want to talk about how things got so fucked up.  It wasn’t easy considering we were here for 18 hours.  I thought I had gotten away, but seeing Anthony standing by the bike when I came out of the dressing room, I knew that I couldn’t avoid it any longer.  

So here I am… sitting in a small bar, nursing my beer, waiting for the interrogation to begin.  “I know, okay,” I begin.  “I should’ve talked to him, you don’t have to tell me.  You told me I might regret it, and in a way I do.  It’s just that… everything got so fucked up so fast.  I couldn’t think straight.”

Anthony just sat there taking a sip of his beer, and nodded.  “You need to do what you think is right.  I only want you to think about what you want, and not settle for anything less.  You deserve to be happy, Justin.”

I start to pull at the beer lable, trying to think about how things in Pittsburgh got so screwed up.  “Everything… I never should’ve gone back.”

Anthony reached over and put his hand on top of mine, offering comfort.  “What happened?”

“What didn’t?” I ask.  “My mom was all freaky… wanting me to stay there, to be her son.  Personally I think she just wanted to show my off to all those damn country club assholes.  My dad… it was a mess.  He still doesn’t want to acknowledge me.  He still hates the fact that I’m gay.  I think it’s worse now since everyone knows it, no matter how much he wants it silent.  Then Molly… god!  She wanted to use me to get herself into the ‘in-club’.  She was great though… I had fun hanging out with her.”

“You and your sister have always had a good relationship,” Anthony replied.  “I’m happy that you were able to spend time with her, even though it was brief.”

I nodded in agreement.  It was nice, spending time with Molly.  “Daphne, my friend, and I hung out.  It was cool.  We talked about everything.  She’s coming out here, and I’m taking her to the screening.”  I can’t help but smile.  When we talked about her going, she was just so excited.  She kept going on and on about what she would wear… who she might see there.  It was like old times.  I missed her.  

“Besides, Brian and your parents, what else happened,” Anthony asked.  

I take a deep breath, and let it out slowly.  “I saw Hobbs.”  Anthony quickly glances over at me, knowing that it must not have been good.  “He didn’t do anything… hell I don’t even think that he knows that I was there.”  Taking a huge drink from my beer, I try to clear my thoughts.  “He was in this store when I took Molly to the mall.  I should’ve known that I might have run into him… I guess I thought that … I had hoped…”

“What happened?”

“I freaked,” I tell him honestly.  “I ran out of the store and went outside to have a cigarette.  I couldn’t breathe.  Brian saw me… I don’t know.”  I look down at the bar and shake my head.  That day had been a mess – one of the worst days in my life … well in recent history anyway.  “I didn’t even want to hear him out, I couldn’t.  I just couldn’t deal with anything after seeing Hobbs.  How the hell can he walk around like nothing happened?  How can they let him do that?”  Those are question that have been plaguing me since the moment I saw him standing there – not twenty feet away from me.  “Why does he get off like nothing happened when I have to live with it every fucking day?”

Anthony wrapped his arm around me and just held me for a while.  I’m so glad that I have him in my life.  I don’t know what I would do without him, and I hope I never have to find out.  “I think you should talk to someone about it.”  I look over at him, knowing he’s right but god do I wish he wasn’t.  “And… I think that you should take some time away.  For yourself.  You know that you are always welcome into my home.  We’d love to have you for a while.”

I think about it, and it sound damn good.  I think I could squeeze in a week or two in England when the season is over with before I have to been on set for the movie I’ve been asked to do.  “I just may take you up on that offer,” I smile briefly at him.  “And… I’ll see if I can find someone to talk to,” I tell him.  And I will.  I can’t go on living like this anymore.  I just can’t.  I have to move on with my life -- get past everything.  “And, I guess that I’ll think about talking to Brian.  I do owe him that much.”  Anthony smiles at me.  I shake my head and laugh slightly.  

I guess that’s it… the decision has been made.  When the hell did that happen?  I realize that I have just agreed to take Brian back.

Of course it doesn’t mean that I’ll make it easy on him.  Hell no.  I plan on making Mr. Kinney work for it.  Man, it’s going to be one hell of a ride.

* * * * * * *

In two days, I’ll be in New York for that damn convention.  I am not looking forward to it, but I guess it goes with the job.  Well that’s what my contract says.  All I know is that I have heard horror stories about these things, and I really don’t want to do it.  I’ve been working long hours trying to make up for the time I already lost, and the time that we’re taking off for the holidays… I guess I’m just fucking tired.  

I step into the loft, the immediately throw my jacket onto the couch and pull out a beer.  “Hey,” Blake says from his spot on the couch.  I nod over to him as I make my way toward the bedroom to change.  God, I’m fucking tried… I feel like I haven’t slept in weeks.  “Brian’s been calling, I let the machine get it.”

Coming out of the bedroom, I plop myself down on the couch and just lean my head back against the back.  “I’ll talk to him later.  Anything else?”

“Not much, really.  Eric called and said that the meetings with the magazines are being set up… he’ll let you know the dates and times.”

I nod.  I don’t even have enough energy to open my eyes.  “How’d the interview go,” I ask him.  Blake had an interview with a studio earlier today.  He’s hoping to be able to work with the film crews, doing whatever he can.  

Blake shrugs slightly.  “Alright I guess.  He said he’d give me a call in a couple of days.  We’ll see.”  I hope he gets the job.  Blake wants to keep his life on the good path… he doesn’t want to fall back into the same mess that he was in before he came out here.  I know he’ll do alright, in whatever he does… he just needs to have more confidence in himself and his abilities.  Unfortunately that’s not something I can teach him.  I know I won’t let him fall off the wagon, but I also know I can’t stop him if he does.  He has to be in control of himself and his life.  It’s the only way he’ll feel good about it all.  “So how was Pitts?  Did you meet the ‘gang’?” He asked.

I laugh slightly, shaking my head.  “You can say that.  Emmett… he’s something.  I like him.  Granted he is a little far out there, but he’s pretty cool.  Ted looked alright.  He seems lonely though.  I think I’ve heard that him and Emmett gave it a try, but it doesn’t look like it’s going to work out.”  I look over at Blake, letting him know that he should at least call the man.  If for nothing else than to explain to Ted why he left.  

“We’ll see,” he answered my unasked question.  

God, who am I to try and give him advice on love and relationships.  Especially when my own is so fucked up.  “Deb, is a trip.  She is willing to adopt anyone who walks in the door.  Michael…”

“Ahhh, Michael,” Blake said.  “It’s hard to believe that he’s related to Deb.”

“Yeah, he’s an ass.  I don’t think he likes me too much.”  I pull my legs up under my body, so I can lean back against the arm of the couch.  

“I guess he’s still in love with Brian then.  I had hoped he had gotten over that shit,” Blake said shaking his head.

“And it’s a fucking pity.  I mean, Brian’s never going to fuck him.  He has this great looking boyfriend, and…”

“He’s still with the doctor?”

I shake my head, and shrug.  “He’s with some college professor now.  Ben Bruckner.  He’s a great guy.  Good looking too.  But, Michael… He really doesn’t like me.  He was the one who blabbed about what Brian did.  Right there in front of everyone in Babylon.  God, I wanted to beat the shit out of him.”  I did too.  I really wanted to kill Michael that day, and I can honestly say that if I see him again, I might just do that.  Fucking prick.  “I mean I’m not happy that Brian did what he did.  I’m not happy that Brian kept it from me, but dammit… I didn’t need that shit either.”  

“Welcome to the Pittsburgh gang,” Blake laughed slightly.  “I always felt like an outsider.  No one really liked me.  Emmett treated me like shit… hell everyone did.  Brian acted like he could’ve cared less if I was there or not.  I guess it was better than what everyone else gave me.”

“I don’t know how anyone can handle that shit,” I tell him shaking my head.  “I was there a week and I was already sick and tired of it.”

Blake stood up and put his hand on my shoulder as he began to walk toward his room.  “All I can say is give Brian a chance to explain.  He’s a good guy, all things considered.  He’ll stick up for you.  And if you see Michael again… kick his ass for me too,” he laughed. 

I laugh, shaking my head.  What I wouldn’t do get some revenge against Michael.  I pick up the phone beside me and begin to listen to all the voice mail messages.  There are like ten messages from Brian alone.  Each one asking for me to call him back…telling me he just wants to talk, a chance to explain.  As each message ends I delete them.  I don’t want to deal with that shit right now.  I’m too tired, have too much shit to do, that I’m afraid that I’ll just give in without a fight.  

Yeah, so I know I’m going to take him back.  But it will be on my terms, and with the knowledge that he’s willing to do what needs to be done.  I don’t know if I will ever truly be able to trust him again, but I do need him to prove to me that he’s willing to try.  That’s what’s important.

Instead of dialing Brian, I dial the other number I know by heart.  I hear her pick up the phone and I feel bad about waking her up at such an hour.  “Hey Daph.,” I say.

“Hey, do you have any idea what time it is?”

“Sorry,” I tell her.  I really do feel bad about the late hour.  “It’s the only time I have really.  I just got home from the studio, and I have to be back in another four hours… well five, so I thought I’d just call and see how you were doing.”

I hear her sitting up in bed, trying to wake up.  “It’s okay,” she yawns.  “I needed to get up soon anyway, I have to get to school for a seven o’clock class.”

“You can function that early in the morning,” I laugh.  “Since when?”

“Asshole,” she mumbles.  “For your information I can function quite well, thank-you very much.”  She’s sounding more awake, and I’m just glad that I can talk to her.  “I can’t wait until this weekend.  Are you still going to be able to meet up with me outside of the convention?”

“Yeah, I promised I’d take you to a play, and I will.  I know I’ll need to get away from that place for a while.  Just make sure you have a nice quiet place in mind for us to talk.  Even if it’s just in one of our hotel rooms.  The less people the better.”

Daphne, thank-goodness, knows that I can’t stand large crowds.  I know that if there’s anyone there that I can count on it will be her.  Yeah, I know that Anthony, Alyson, David, and James will all be there, but it won’t be the same as having Daphne there.  Of course she told me that she wouldn’t really be caught dead at the actual convention, it still good to know that I’ll have a safe place to stay once the day is over with.  “Don’t worry, I’ve got your back.  I’ll kick anyone’s ass who tries to get near you.”  

Both laughing, I don’t doubt that she will too.  She’s like that, and I love her for it.  Always looking out for me, never giving up on me.  “I e-mailed you the hotel information, so you know.  I got you a nice room, and everything.  All you have to do is get your ass over there after class on Friday.”

“Hello!  I’m going to leave early on Friday morning.  To hell with class.”

I laugh, only Daphne would do that… no scratch that, I don’t even want to think about how many people are going to miss work or school to go to this thing.  I don’t even want to know.  “You’re a freak,” I tell her.  “Look I just wanted you to know that it’s all set, and you should have the information waiting in your in-box.  I’m going to try and get some sleep before I have to head back.”

“Take it easy,” she told me.  I want to say ‘yes, mother,’ but stop myself before she decides to kick my ass.  “I’ll see you in two days.”

“Bye, Daph.”  I hang up the phone and slowly make my way toward the bed.  The morning will come entirely too early.  On Friday, I’ll be in New York.  Today is the last day I have to work for a while.  

* * * * * * *

** EXPERIENTIA DOCET  **

** Quadruplicatio **

_ Pleading on the part of the defense _

This Chapter 18 in the "EXPERIENTIA DOCET" series.   
Narrated by: Emmett Honeycutt and Brian Kinney Featuring Justin Taylor, David Boreanaz, James Marsters, Alyson Hannigan, Alexis Denisof, Nicholas Brendon Anthony Stewart Head, Daphne Chandler, and others   
Series Rated NC-17 and contains no warnings or spoilers.   
Summary: November 2003.    
Disclaimer: no profit made… The Boys are not mine. No matter how much I’d love to have them… 

* * * * * * *

It’s hard to believe that I even agreed to go along with Brian’s little plan.  I guess… well I guess seeing what Michael did – what Michael and Brian did, I can only say that I hated to see Justin hurt.  And they did hurt him, in the worst possible way.  I wanted to smack Michael!  

Now unlike Michael, however, I have seen the changes in Brian since his little trip out to Sun-shinny LA.  I can only say that the reason behind it was a certain blond.  Michael may be blind to what is right in front of him, but honey, I’m not.  I see that Brian is head over heals for this young man.  I only wish that Brian wouldn’t have hurt him so much.  I wish I knew exactly what happened so maybe I can try and help.  I want to see Justin, and – heaven forbid – Brian happy.  I want them to go on and make this work.

However, it’s not my choice.  Brian has issues, and I understand so does Justin.  I know that they need to make this work out between them, and that no one can tell them what to do.  I just wish that they didn’t have to look so sad, that they could be happy.  Of course however, I have known Brian for quite a while now, and I know he’s not really a catch… he’s not real easy to get along with on his best days.  But who knows.  Maybe they can make it work.

We make our way into the building, and to say that I’m slightly overwhelmed would be an understatement.  There are hundreds… thousands of people just standing around waiting to see the ‘stars’.  There is a small stage set up to our right, and a large picture banner over the table.  As Brian and I walk past a group of young teenage girls, I can’t help but over hear them.  It’s frightening.  They are going on and on about how ‘Angel’ is so hot, and how they want to be the one to ‘convert Lucas’.  

Now, I know that I’m not the sanest person in the world… that I can be a little extravagant, but this…  “Do you believe that?” I ask Brian.  “Don’t they know that it’s only a show?  How can anyone live like that?  I mean look at them”  We both look over the crowd as the actors come out of a room in the back.  All I can do is watch as some of the crowd starts to grope the actors.  

 “I’m not worried about them… I’m worried about Justin.” Brian tells me.  Finally security takes over and keeps those crazy people away.  I look over at Brian and see his jaw tight, and his hands clasp in a tight grip.  I swear I can almost see blood.  We both stand there and hear another group talk about how they had gone up the limo when it pulled up – wanting to get a ‘piece’ of the actors.  I can only imagine how scary that would be.  

I admire actors, I really do.  I don’t know if I could deal with this, at least not with the same finesse that they do.  It must be scary, absolutely frightening.  I have heard of many actors or actresses being stalked, and I can’t understand why they do what they do.  I can’t even begin to understand how they can still agree to do these appearances.  Why would someone subject themselves to this day in and day out.  “He’s looks very tense,” I whisper toward Brian.  

* * * * * * *

I can’t keep my eyes off of Justin.  I can almost see the wild look in his eyes, and I can only hope he doesn’t freak out.  I remember him telling me once that he still couldn’t handle large crowds, and I can only imagine what it is like for him right now.  I want to run up there and kick the living shit out of everyone who tries to touch him.  Don’t they see that he’s scared shitless.  Okay, so he’s hiding it well, but his eyes are giving him away.  “Wouldn’t you fucking be?  Jesus,” he cursed shaking his head.  

I quickly make my way into the line, and find that I’m about in the middle.  This is just unfuckingbelievable.  I can hear the actors talking in the microphones about one thing or another, but all I can think about is getting up there to Justin.  I think I finally understand what it is that Daphne was trying to tell me.  Justin needed someone to help him through this shit.  Just standing there watching as the line begins to move – watching as all these people around me yell and scream for those on the stage.  Calling out the names of their characters, not even realizing that they are real people, with real lives.  I guess that it just bothers me.  

They don’t see Justin sitting at home, beer in hand, just watching TV.  They don’t see him as he wakes from a nightmare, scared out of his mind.  They don’t see shit.  All they see is the character on some damn show.  

I think about what Daphne told me – about how Justin had no one he could really trust, no one that he can talk to.  Knowing how much he still suffers from the attack all those years ago, one would think that I would’ve realized all of this sooner.  What can I say… I’m a idiot.  I can tell you that seeing him sitting there, with a fake smile plastered on his face, I know he’s not having a good time.  Yeah, he’s joking it up with some of the fans, but I just can’t get that wild look out of my mind.  

I almost rush up to the stage when I see some fans run behind the table, trying to get to Justin and the others.  I want to run up there and beat the shit out of them.  They are lucky that security stopped them, and dragged their asses off the stage.  

I think back to the day that Mikey told Justin, and I can see where Daphne says he was embarrassed.  Hell I know I would, and what would it be like to be him?  He walks into a room and people know him.  What would it feel like to walk in to a place and have someone basically tell the world that you’re not good enough.  That’s basically what it said, what it meant.  No, it’s not what I meant, but I can see where it could be believed as that.  I can see where people would get that impression.  

I was just so pissed that he had not wanted to hear me out, that I didn’t even think about how it might look, how he might be perceived.  I never care what people think of me, either they like me or they don’t – who cares?   Justin is different thought.  His livelihood is made by what people think of him.  He makes his living by what people think of him.  If people think he’s a good actor then he makes money… if not then he’s fucked.  No jobs, no income.  He’ll be out on street faster than you can even blink.  

And the rumors.  Fuck!  What is it like to have your life an open book?  Between the crazy fans, and the paparazzi… a person can’t do shit without a camera or someone in their face.  The next thing they know, some picture of them naked or fucking, or god knows what is appearing on the front page of some newspaper or magazine.  Nothing is sacred.  

I know that Justin never realized it would be like this when he first came out to LA.  All he wanted was to make some money.  All he wanted was some income so he could eat, and have a place to stay.  

Justin told me he can’t trust me, that he’s not sure he can forgive me.  I think I’m finally starting to understand why.

* * * * * * *

As Brian and I get closer to the front of the line, I try not to feel sick.  Hearing all these people around me talking about how they were going to fuck so and so… how they were going to marry this person or that.  Some of them are using real names while others are still stuck on the character names.  Now, I know there have been times that I myself have felt that way about someone I saw on the TV or in a movie.  I don’t know… maybe I have grown out of that.  Alright so there was a time when all I could think about was how I wouldn’t mind getting a small little taste of Justin… but that was before.

Now I see a beautiful young man who is in desperate need of some real friends.  Who needs someone to love.  Now, I volunteer for the friend part, and Ithink we made some good head-way into that area when he was in Pittsburgh.  I can only hope that he and Brian will fix things between them.  This young man deserves to be happy.  To have someone who he can share all of this with.  That’s my wish for him.  

It must be agonizing for him.  Who does he trust?  Who can he trust to NOT share a secret with the press for a couple bucks?  It’s like when it came out that he had gone out with this one actress.  From what Justin told me it was nothing – he was gay for crying out loud.  But someone took pictures and sold the story to one of those trash magazines, and the next thing I see is messages that Justin’s lying about being gay.  That he’s engaged to be married with said actress.  It’s absolutely frustrating.  I can’t even begin to imagine what it must be like.  

When we finally reach the front of the line, I can see the total exhaustion on Justin’s face.  The poor baby.  All I want to do is go up there and give him a hug, and never let him go.  As I steal a glance at Brian, I can see that he’s upset by what he sees as well – more so than me.  But then again, I’m not as … well acquainted with Justin as Brian is.  The man I’ve known for years looks like he’s ready to start tearing people apart.  

I start at the head of the table, and have each one sign a souvenir that I brought with me.  Don’t even get me started on just HOW much I wanted James Masterson’s, or David’s autograph.  They are just too delicious for words.  By the time I reach Justin I watch as he just laughs at something that the person in front of me said.  She moves on, and I put my book down in front of him.  “Hey, baby,” I say.

Justin looks up and instantly a large smile appears on his face.  I think it’s the first real smile I’ve seen all day, and I can’t even tell you how happy it makes me that I was able to do that for him.  “Em,” he yelled and stood up from his seat.  Reaching across the table he pulls me into his arms for a quick hug and kisses me on the cheek.  “It’s good to see you,” he tells me honestly.  

“You too, baby.  I’ve miss you,” I tell him.  I take a quick look around, and I can see, and feel mind you, the daggers as some fans stare at me.  I can feel their anger.   They’re just upset that he didn’t get all excited with them.  Well I am the president of the Pittsburgh chapter of his fan club, and I have been talking to him each day since he left on the chats.  I think.. no I know we hit it off when he was there.  I realized he’s not at all what I thought… he’s a lot more adorable.  I would do anything for him, there is no doubt in my mind.  “How have you been, baby?”

Justin sits back down and shrugs slightly.  Taking out his sharpie, Justin starts to write something on the book I have.  “Okay.  You know the usual,” he says as he continues to write.  I swear to god, he’s writing a novel.  Not that I mind, of course.  “Busy as ever.  How are you,” he asks as he hands me the book back. 

I shrug slightly, and smile.  “Fabulous.”  Justin smiles and shakes his head.  A man could live for his smiles.  

Justin glances to my right and sees Brian standing next to me.  Taking a deep breath, he turns his attention back to me.  I try to give him a sympathetic look, I am sorry, after all, for putting him in this position.  Justin put a fake smile back on his face, and I feel so bad.  “Look, how about we go grab a bite to eat one night while I’m here,” he asks me.  The underlying words ‘alone’ and ‘without Brian’ came across perfectly clear to me.  I tell how I would just love to, and he wrote down his cell number for me.  

Okay, now don’t get me wrong – since I would NEVER do this – but can you imagine how much this number would go for?  

I give him another kiss on the cheek as I move on to the next person.  I think that everyone is now interested more in the scene that is playing out beside me than they are in what’s happening right in front of them.  Hell who wouldn’t if you knew what has happened.  I watch as Brian looks Justin over, and hands the man something.  Justin immediately looks up at Brian, shock evident on his face.  “What the fuck do you think you’re doing,” he quietly hiss.  I thank god that Brian and I are the last two in line before they all take a break.  I can tell that after this, Justin will definitely need it.  I’m also glad because I would hate to think of what the next person would think if they saw and heard what was going on.  

“Can we just go somewhere and talk,” Brian asked quietly.  “I promise it won’t take long.”

Justin just laughs slightly and shakes his head.  “You promise?  I’ve heard that before, Brian.”  I want to cry out at the obvious pain I hear in Justin’s voice.  Evidently I’m not the only one as I see Anthony put a hand on Justin’s shoulder.  The older man whispers something in his ear, and Justin nods.  “Fine.  Just wait over there, and we’ll go and talk,” Justin agrees.  Granted it was reluctantly, but I am slightly happy that he said yes.  I will forever believe that they belong together.  Justin is good for Brian.  And believe you me, Brian needs someone who can keep him on the right path.  Brian’s not as much of a pain in the ass as he was before the trip a couple of months ago.  I can actually tolerate him.  Well that was until the day that Justin walked out of Brian’s life.

See the thing that the other’s don’t understand, and it’s something that I have been trusted with – this isn’t the first time Brian had lied to Justin – the first time he’s betrayed the man.  I have always heard three strikes you’re out.  I guess that you can say – if this works and they get back together – Brian is the luckiest fag in the world.  He’s not only gotten his three shots – which by the way he’s screwed up – but he’s getting his FOURTH!  I don’t know if I would be as forgiving and willing to put my heart on the line like Justin.  But…

I make a silent promise to myself and to Justin at that moment.  I will keep in eye on Brian.  If they work things out between them, I swear I will try everything that is within my power to keep them together.  To hell with what anyone else says.  

* * * * * * *

I stand off to the side and Justin comes up to me.  Nodding toward a door to the left, I follow him down a short hallway.  We get outside and he pulls out a cigarette.  Pulling out my lighter, I light it for him.  I want to try and get us on a level playing field.  I don’t want him on the offensive, even though I know he already is.  I can only guess what’s going through his mind right now.  Surprise, anger, hurt… everything.  It’s not like he expected me to be here.  Hell I didn’t even expect to be here. But I have realize that we do need to talk.  He needs to hear me out.  

I’m not one to ask for forgiveness.  I’ve always believed that sorry’s bullshit.  I wasn’t sorry when I fucked up, I do regret it.  I regret hurting you.”  I take a cigarette out of my pocket for myself, light it, and take a deep breath.  I can only hope that the nicotine can calm my nerves.  I have never done anything like this before.  Jack always made sure that I knew what would happen if you did something wrong… it never mattered how bad you felt about it, how ‘sorry’ you were.  “I know I fucked up, and I don’t expect you to forgive me.  I only ask for a chance to show you … to prove to you that I want to change.  I want to try and give us a chance.”

Justin only looks out at the night skyline.  It seems strange not to see the towers in the night sky, but I shake off those depressing thoughts and try to focus only on making things right between Justin and I.  “Why should I?  Why should I give you another chance?  I’ve given you one chance after another, Brian.  I don’t know if I can handle it again.  I don’t know if I can ever forgive you… if I can ever trust you again.”  

“Is there a chance … I don’t know, maybe,” I ask him.

Justin shrugs.  “Why?” He finally asks.

I take a deep breath, trying to gather my thoughts.  This is the chance I have been looking for.  The opportunity to explain my actions.  The only problem is, and I know it – there is  no real excuse for what I did.  “I was jealous,” I begin.  I laugh slightly at the absurdity of it all.  “I was stupid.  I tried to call you… well I waited for your call.  Anyway, I guess I forgot about the time difference.  When I didn’t hear from you… All I could think of was you being at that party with Neil.  I know it’s not a good reason, but I … I’ve never been in a … relationship before.  I got scared.”

Justin shook his head, and I can see him biting the inside of his lip.  “That’s just perfect.  So I’m to blame?  I went to a party where Neil was, and you thought I was going to fuck him?  IS that it?”

“No… I told you, I was stupid.  I forgot the time difference, and I just… I don’t know,” I say running my hand through my hair.  At the time, there were so many things running through my mind – so many images.  I couldn’t think straight.  “I won’t excuse, and I can’t make it go away.  You know me, you know what my life has been like.  You know that I’m not good at this shit.  I fucked up, I admit it.  But dammit, I’m trying here.  More than I have ever tried before in my life.”  I turn toward Justin, so that we can look each other in the eye.  I want him to see my sincerity.  And I am serious, I am more serious than I have ever been before in my life.  “I want to make it up to you, I want a chance.  I think we have a shot at something, and I have to admit that I’m a better person when you’re around.”

Justin turned away slightly.  “Brian,” he said and I can hear the pain in his voice.  It tears me up inside that I’ve caused him to hurt like that.  “I don’t know if I can.  I don’t know if I can just forget.  You promised me you would, and even though I didn’t think you’d be able to do it, I went along with it.  I thought I’d give you that chance.  I wanted you to be able to follow through, but I knew deep down that you wouldn’t.  I just knew it.”  Justin shakes his head, trying to clear it I guess.  I wonder if he hurts half as much as I do.  

I fucked up, yes, I’m not denying that.  I can never deny that.  I only want to know what I can do to make up for it.  Instead of saying anything I let him get everything off his chest.  I owe him that much.  “It’s not so much that you fucked around, Brian.  I did a lot of thinking, and it’s not that… well not entirely that,” he laughed slightly.  He knows that I don’t believe that my fucking around didn’t hurt him.  I know it did.  And he can’t tell me that it didn’t.  “The thing that hurt the most is that you didn’t tell me.  That you didn’t trust me enough to work it out.  I would’ve forgiven you… I would have.  But the fact remains is that you didn’t trust me.  You kept it to yourself, thinking that if you didn’t tell me that it could go away.”

Hearing him, I feel like I have a ton on my chest.  I can’t breathe.  I wish I could turn back the clock and change things, change the fact that I fucked up.  But the thing is I can’t.  I know it.  “But it didn’t, Brian.  I felt like you couldn’t trust me… trust in what I felt for you.  Do you have ANY idea what it felt like?  Any at all?”  I wanted to answer him that I did… that I knew, but I couldn’t.  I have no idea what it was like for him.  Yeah, we both have been fucked up by our pasts, but I haven’t been through what he has, what he is STILL going through.  I can’t understand, not completely.  “It hurt.  It hurt like hell.  I felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest.  I felt like my soul had left me.  I was empty, and alone in a fucking city I HATE… in a city that almost destroyed me.  I got out of there.  I made something of myself.  I’ll be dammed if I let you destroy me again.  I can’t do that again.  I just can’t.  I don’t think that I can survive it the next time.”

Justin turned to leave, and I close my eyes.  I can’t stand to see him walk away from me.  I just can’t.  “Justin,” I call out, and I’m amazed he even heard me.  “Please.  I don’t know if I can go on without you.  I don’t know if I want to.”  
  


“Then show me, Brian.  Show me that I can trust you, that you won’t hurt me again.  Show me that you can trust me.  If you can’t do that, then there’s nothing more to discuss.”  Hearing the door close behind him, I can only look out at the New York sky.  This day sure as shit didn’t turn out the way I had planned it.  I had hoped that things would be worked out by now.  I guess I really am a novice at relationships.  I thought I knew what he needed, what he wanted.  

The only thing I do know is that I have to try and earn his trust again.  I have to trust him with everything that I am.  It’s the only way either one of us will survive.  I’m not giving up on us quite yet… it’s not over until I say it is.  And it’s not over yet.

 


	3. Dum spiro, spero While I breathe, I hope

* * * * * * *

** EXPERIENTIA DOCET  **

Nihil de nihilo fit

_ Nothing comes from nothing _

This Chapter 19 in the "EXPERIENTIA DOCET" series.   
Narrated by: Justin Taylor Featuring Brian Kinney, James Marsters, Nicholas Brendon Anthony Stewart Head, Daphne Chandler, Emmett Honeycutt, and others   
Series Rated NC-17 and contains no warnings or spoilers.   
Summary: November 2003.    
Disclaimer: no profit made… The Boys are not mine. No matter how much I’d love to have them… 

* * * * * * *

It seems like my life will forever be one long, winding rollercoaster.  I want to forgive Brian, I do… but seeing him standing in front of me – well it’s not easy.  All I can see in my mind is the look of betrayal he had that night.  He was looking at Michael, feeling betrayed.  The thing is, he could’ve told me.  He should’ve told me, but he didn’t.  He didn’t trust in me… didn’t trust in US to believe that I could understand.  And I do.  I really do.  

I know how hard it must be for him.  He has never had anyone in his life that really loved him.  His childhood was for shit, and all of his friends want something from him.  I didn’t.  Well I didn’t think that what I wanted was anything unreasonable.  All I wanted from him was honesty – that’s it.  Nothing too big.  For him to tell me what he wanted, what he felt… nothing real big.

I guess I should’ve left well enough alone.  

So yeah, I know he’s never had anyone that has wanted him, and only him… not some imaginary image of him.  I wanted him for who he was… what he is.  I understand his ‘slip’.  He was scared, and although we were pretty much solid when he left… he got scared.  He wasn’t sure what to make of us.  While he knew that I loved him, he does not feel secure in that love.  I wish he could, but that will take time.  I have a lot of past betrayals and whatnot to get through.  His walls have been intact and fortified through the years that trying to break them down is not easy.  But I am determined.  

I can say that it seems that Brian is almost as determined as I am.  When I got home that night after the signings, there had been a dozen yellow roses waiting for me.  When I got home tonight, a small box with all my favorite movies.  Okay, now you may think that he’s going about this whole ‘trying to earn my trust thing’ the wrong way… but with each little thing that he’s sent, he’s added something to it.  Each one has a small note attached to it.  Each one giving me something more than what material things can ever do.  Each note is giving me a piece of himself, a part of him that he hadn’t shared with me before.  Some are things from his past, some just what he’s feeling at that moment.  Sharing with me himself.  I’m in shock to say the least.  I’ve never had anyone share that much of themselves with me.

Granted I do love all this begging… it’s kinda nice to have someone come after me for a change.  Yeah, I’ve had my fair share of ‘suitors’ and stalkers, but someone who actually cares.  It’s nice.  

Beside the presents, there have been messages on my voice mail, both on my cell and at home.  He’s a persistent fuck, that’s for sure.  This convention is to last four long days, and with two down already, Brian has been at both days.  He has just stood in the background, giving me silent support.  I like it.  I really do.  He’s not pushing me to talk, and I guess I need that.  In time I will talk to him, I just don’t know when.  He hasn’t fully won my trust, that will take a long time, but he’s making a good effort.  Who knows, maybe someday soon we can go out to have dinner, I don’t know.  But we’ll see.  

* * * * * * *

Today was a hard day for me… I don’t know how I ever made it through.  Some crazy fan actually came up over the damn table to try and get to us.  I freaked… really fucking freaked.  Security got them out of there real fast, but I just couldn’t continue.  I couldn’t go back out there again, and I don’t know if I can tomorrow.  It’s just too much for me.  Anthony and Nick got me out of there and into the limo faster than the blink of an eye, and I was on my way back to the hotel with orders to relax, and rest.  

When I got out, I saw Brian already waiting for me beside the hotel door.  Before the security guard could push him away, I walked up to him and just held him.  I needed something to keep me grounded… even if I didn’t like him too much right now – Brian would always be able to do that for me.  I didn’t even realize that we had made our way up to my room, and sitting on the couch until at least 30 minutes later.  I was so out of it that the world could have ended and I wouldn’t have even notice.  

I pull away from Brian and just look at him.  I want to lose myself in him, but like a ton of bricks falling on my head, I remember WHY I can’t do that.  I take a deep breath and stand.  “Thanks,” I whisper.

“Anytime,” he answers just sitting there watching me.  “You okay?”

I nod briefly, which we both know is a lie.  I’m not okay… I don’t know if I ever will be.  “Yeah, I’m fine.  Just sort of freaked me out.  But I’m fine now.  Want something to drink,” I ask walking over to the small bar and pulling out something strong to help get rid of the after-effects.  God, I’m so out of it.  My hand is still shaking.  Without his answer I bring the bottle of Brandy over to the couch and set down two glasses.  Filling mine I quickly gulp down the contents and reach for another.  Just feeling the sudden warmth fill me, helps ease the tension that I’ve been feeling since the moment the guy began to come across the table.  “Brian…” I begin.  I don’t know what I want to say, but I know I should say something.  I mean I should shouldn’t I?  

Brian puts his own glass up to his lips and drinks.  “It’s okay, Justin.  I am only here to help, if I can.  Nothing has to happen.  I’m not going to take advantage of you,” he laughed slightly.  “It’s just that… I was… When I saw that guy come across the table… I freaked too.  I’m not ready to lose you,” he told me staring right into my eyes.  

I nod slightly, not yet sure if I’m ready to get into all of that, but I am glad that he’s here.  My own super hero, my knight in shining armor.  Okay so his armor is a little rusty, but he’s still here.  Somehow knowing that he’s here to watch my back makes things a little easier.  “But for how long, Brian,” I ask.  Dammit.  I wish at times I could make my mouth NOT say what’s in my mind.  “I’m sorry… I shouldn’t…”

“No, it’s okay.  You have a right to ask.” He says.  I feel bad in a way for even saying anything.  “I want ot be here for you, Justin.  As long as you’ll have me.  I can’t change the past, I don’t know if I even want to… but I want to make for the mistakes I made with you.  If you still want me.”

Could things get anymore complicated?  I mean he’s here, trying to help me get through this nightmare, and I’m being an ass.  Fuck… oh well I can’t change it now.  The can of worms is open, why not go with the flow, and get everything out into the open.  Right?  He’s asking me if I still want him.  “It’s never been a question on whether or not I want you, Brian.  That’s never been in doubt… not with me.  The thing is, can I trust you?  Can I trust you to share things with me?  Can I trust you with my heart and know that it will be safe?”

“Yes,” he tells me.  His voice is strong, like he’s a thousand percent sure that I can.

I, on the other hand, am not so sure.  “I wish I could believe that, I do.  But You know how I feel, Brian.  I don't think that it's an unreasonable request.  The question is ... Can you?  Can you allow me in?  Into your life, into your thoughts?”

Brian puts his glass down on the table beside him and reaches across to take my hand in his.  “Yes.  If you can give me another chance.  I promise you, I will do everything in my power to show you what you mean to me… I will do what I can to prove to you that you can trust me.  The question really is… can you?  Do you think you can give me the chance to prove to you that I want to make this work?”

I look down at our hands.  “I don’t know,” I tell him honestly.  “When I still lived in Pittsburgh… after the … after Hobbs, my dad… all the times he told me that no matter what I did he would always be there for me, that he would always love me… it was all a lie.  The moment he found out why – why Hobbs attacked me – everything that he had told me disappeared.  He wanted nothing more to do with me.”

I turn away from him and move toward the window.  Taking a deep breath, I turn back toward him, and kneel down in front of him.  “When I got to LA… there was this guy.  He told me all the right things, made me feel things that I never felt before in my life.  He was my first… everything.  I thought he felt the same way I did… I thought he loved me.  It wasn’t until I was laying in a hospital bed, suffering from a drug overdose that I realize that everything he told me was a lie.  He only wanted me for one thing… the money I could make him.  Josh… I didn’t even remember what happened, but they told me it was GSB.  Between that and the alcohol… well I was pretty fucked up.”

I close my eyes for a second, and I feel Brian’s hand once again on my own.  I allow the comfort to enter me… despite everything he still makes me feel safe.  “So you see… after that… then Ethan.. God that’s a fucking mess in and of itself.  But after that, I told myself that if I was ever going to be in a relationship, there would be no secrets between us… no secret agendas.  Just the two of us, and no one else.  That’s why I was so upset… why I am still upset.  In this business you never know who you can trust.  Everyone wants something from you, they want to be the ONE.  That’s why in my personal life… I don’t want to have to guess what’s going on.  I don’t want to question what someone is doing, and what the reasoning is behind it.  I NEED the honesty.  I get the backstabbing, and the crazy shit all day long.  I don’t want that when I come home at night.  I don’t want to wonder what my partner is doing, and what secrets they are hiding from me.  If it’s worth something then we can work through anything.  Yeah, I’ll be hurt, but I can’t be kept in the dark.  I need to know.”

“I’m not really one to share those things, Justin.  I never have been,” Brian explains.

“Then there’s nothing for us, Brian.  You have to trust that I won’t walk out on you the first sign of trouble… and I need to trust that you won’t keep things from me for fear of hurting me.  I’m not fragile, Brian… I can handle it.  I can handle your past…I can handle anything.  What I can’t handle is being lied to.  If I fuck up, or do something that you don’t think I should then TELL me.  Tell me what you think, what you feel, and we’ll talk about it like adults.”  

“I’m kinda slow at these sort of things,” he tells me with a slight smile.  “I can’t promise to get it right… hell I don’t even know what I’m doing half of the time.”

“Neither do I,” I tell him.  “I have no idea, either.  But maybe we can learn… together.”  I see his eyebrows go up at the last thing, and I know I just fucked up.  I didn’t want to give him this chance this quickly… I really didn’t.  I guess these past couple of days have been harder on me than I had originally thought.  “Now don’t get all superior, Mr. Kinney.  You still have a lot of work ahead of you.  Still have a lot of groveling to do,” I tell him.  I need him to understand just what it is I am saying.  

Brian sat back slightly, pulling me up to sit next to him.  He turns so he can look at me directly in the eye, and I can feel that he wants to be sincere.  “I’ve learned a lot these past couple of days, Justin.  I know now why it’s so important to you, and I am sorry I hurt you.  I can’t promise that I won’t fuck up again… but I know enough to know that I want you beside me, I want you there with me.”

“I want that too, Brian.  But it’s not that simple.”

“Is life ever simple?” he asks.  He knows that answer, so I won’t even voice it.  Life isn’t simple… it sucks most of the time.  “We’re both strong-headed, stubborn men… who will often fight, and clash.  We’ll disagree often, there’s no doubt in my mind about that.  The thing is, I want that.  I want someone who challenges me like you do.  You won’t let me just get by… you call me on my bullshit all the time.  I need that.”

Brian reaches across and runs his hand lightly through my bangs, pushing them out of my eyes.  “I see what it’s like for you.  And I know it can’t be easy on you.  Everyone wanting to get a piece of you… wanting to be you.  It can’t be easy.  I don’t want to be you, and I don’t want a piece of you… I want all of you.  I want to try and help you through this.”

I bite my lower lip, trying to think of what I want to say, what he’s saying.  That’s the most important thing I’ve learned… hearing what’s NOT being said.  Hearing what’s being said and trying to find out someone’s hidden agenda.  I guess that’s what life has made me do.  I don’t feel any hidden agenda though from him.  He does want me… all of me.  Warts and all.  “Being there… surrounded by all those people… I don’t know.  I get scared, Brian.  I can’t shake the feeling that Hobbs or someone like him will come out of the crowd and finish the job.  I know it seems stupid, but that’s what I feel.”

I feel Brian’s arms go around me as I lean into him.  God, how I’ve missed this.  I know I shouldn’t get comfortable, we still have a lot to work out, but for now… now I’ll just deal with it, take his strength into my soul.  “I know, Justin.  I know it can’t be easy on you.  But I want to be there to help you, I want you to know that I’ll be there.”

I lean back and look him in the eye.  “Will you?  Will you really?”

“Yes.  If you’ll let me.”

“I want that, Brian.  I do.  But…”  I begin.  Can I take the chance?  Can I give my heart to him again, with no limitations?  No… not now.  I don’t know if I can fully give myself to him yet.  Not after everything.  “It’ll take time,” I begin to tell him.  I want to get this across without sounding like I don’t want to give it a shot… cause I do.  “But… I’m willing to try.”  I see Brian give me a small smile.  Just those few words made his day, I can tell.  “This is the last chance, Brian.  After this… there is no more.  I don’t know if I can go through all this shit again.  I don’t know when I will ever fully trust you again, but I’m willing to try.  Just… don’t hurt me again.”

“I promise to try,” he tells me as he pulls me back toward him.  I feel his hand lightly running across my back, offering me some comfort.  Nothing sexual, but comforting.  “I want to try, Justin.  I want to try and earn your trust back.”

“Then this is your chance,” I whisper against his chest.  “The last chance… cause after this… I’m done, it’s over.  I can’t go through this again.”

“I know,” he whispers against my forehead.  “Thank-you.  Thank-you for giving us the chance.”

I know that it won’t be easy – hell what with us has been so far?  But I think that this time, we might stand a chance.  We might actually make it work this time.  I don’t’ know.  Time will tell, but at least now, he knows where I stand.  And I know where he stands too.  We’re going to try.  I guess that’s all anyone can ask for.  The chance to try.  I’ll give him that… but getting my whole heart and soul again… well that will take time.

We’ll see how that goes.

* * * * * * *

** EXPERIENTIA DOCET  **

** Veritas vos liberabit    **

_ The truth will set you free _

This Chapter 20 in the "EXPERIENTIA DOCET" series.   
Narrated by: Brian Kinney Featuring Justin Taylor, Emmett Honeycutt, Cynthia Morgan, Gardner Vance, and others   
Series Rated NC-17 and contains no warnings or spoilers.   
Summary: November 2003.    
Disclaimer: no profit made… The Boys are not mine. No matter how much I’d love to have them… 

* * * * * * *

Now some people think that I don’t care about a damn thing other than myself.  They all think that I am self-centered, maniacal, and just plain rude.  Well they would be right.  But the thing is… the scary thing is, that really isn’t me.  That’s not who I am on the inside.  All of these years, I have tried and actually succeeded in creating this image of I-don’t-give-a-shit, and I am somewhat proud of that fact.  I don’t care what others think of me, never have and never will.  

There is one person, however, that I do care about.  The one person I wonder what he thinks of me.  Am I doing the right thing?  Am I being unreasonable?  All that sort of shit that I never cared about before in my life, has now decided to come to the forefront.  Fuck, and people wonder why I never wanted to be in a relationship before.  I try to be nice to his friends and co-workers.  I try to do the ‘right thing’.  It’s not easy, I tell you that.  It’s not easy to erase years of hard work building a façade, then having to tear it down.  All the walls I had built, all the rules I had lived by have to disappear.  That is if I want Justin to be a part of my life.

The scary thing is… I want to.  I want him.  And I’m willing to give it all up for him.  Who would’ve thought that Brian Kinney, ass hole extraordinaire would actually consider being someone the complete opposite.  Fuck me.  It’s fucking crazy.

Just looking at the sleeping body beside me, I know that it’s the right thing to do.  It’s the thing I need to do… for both of us.  The thing that I need to do first and foremost if try and figure out what I’m going to do.  The thing is that I’m not ready to give this up yet.  It’s still too new.  I actually am finding myself wanting to find out where it will lead.  Fuck, I am one sorry fag.  I’m actually thinking about a future with someone.  What went wrong?  Why did I let myself get into this position? 

Looking at Justin, I know why.  Who wouldn’t want him?  

I feel Justin’s breathing change, as he burrowed further into me.  His skin is warm, and I can tell that he’s slowly waking from sleep.  He blinks the sleep out of his eye, and smiles slightly up at me.  “Morning,” he quietly says, his voice thick with sleep.

I lean down and kiss him on the forehead.  “Morning, Sunshine.  Sleep well?”

“Yeah, it wasn’t too bad,” he smiles.  I lightly swat him on the ass, letting him know what I thought of that comment.  The little shit.  “Fuck!” He cursed as he stretched.  “What time is it?”  
  


I glance over at the clock beside the bed, wishing that it wasn’t time to get up.  “Nine,” I tell him.  A large part of me wishes that we could just stay in bed all day.  There is still so much that we have to talk about, so much that we have to get out.  But the damn fates, God, whothefuckever, must hate me.  Justin nods and slowly moves away from me and out of bed.  I feel the loss immediately.  “What do you have planned today?” I ask as I follow him into the shower.  Like I’m going to pass this up.

Justin turns so he can look at me over his shoulder as he turns the shower on.  “More of the same shit, basically.  Today’s the last day.  Tomorrow it’s another city… another bunch of shit.  The usual,” he tells me.  Knowing that he will need to leave tonight, that I will not be with him tonight… fuck I don’t even begin to analyze that shit.  The thing I want to do most is follow him to the next city.  If what I saw here is any indication, I really don’t want him to go anywhere without me there.  I wonder what it would be like to travel around like that.  Yeah, I do a lot of traveling with work and shit, but it’s no where near as bad as this.  How the hell does he know which city he is in from day to day.  I guess it’s a good thing he’s not a musician… they have it worse.  “You?” 

“I need to finish up the ad, then who knows.” I inform him as I step into the shower behind him.  Reaching for the soap out of his hand, I lightly start to run the bar over his back.  “When are you going back to LA?”

Justin leans into my touch and sighs.  All I want is to take this shower a little further, as I reach around and begin to run my hands over his chest.  I have never felt anything like him.  His skin is pale, yes, but it’s also almost as soft as Gus’.  “Next week,” he breaths as he begins to lose himself in my touch.  There’s something to be said about having one person.  Both of you know each other’s spots… all the right places that just drive you crazy.  “That feels good.” He breaths as I run my hand over his left nipple – lightly tugging on the little gold ring there.  

I continue to run my hands up and down his torso, leaning in so that our bodies are in complete contact.  I know he can feel my hard-on pressing against his lower back, and when my hand moves farther down his body, I can tell that he’s in a similar state as I am.  “Maybe I can come out there soon.  With the holidays coming up… work will be a little slower for a while.  It could just be the two of us.”

“Mmmm,” Justin answered as my hand wrapped around his hard-on as my other hand continues to pull on his nipple ring.  “God, Brian.  Yes… More.”

Just hearing his voice makes me even harder.  Knowing that it’s because of me that he’s feeling this way.  It’s such a rush.  Reaching over to the soap dish I grab the tube of lube and condom.  I rip open the wrapper and place the latex on my dick then flip open the top of the lube, placing some on my fingers.  Bending him forward a little, I begin to run my finger lightly over his hole, teasing him.  He moans and I allow one finger to push through the first ring, pushing further into him.  “You like that?” I ask knowing full well what he’s feeling.

“Yes… Brian… oh more… please.” He begs.

I add another finger into him, plunging as deep into his hot tunnel as I can – stretching him.  I run the tip of one finger over the enlarged gland deep inside him, and Justin immediately starts to move back onto my hand – fucking himself with my fingers.  Watching my fingers disappear into his tight hole is making me incredibly hard, and I can’t wait to have my dick where my fingers are now.  After a couple of minutes of loosing him up, I decide to take pity on both of us, and move on to the next step.  

I slide my fingers out and place my cock at his entrance, sinking into him until I am completely surrounded by him.  Allowing him time to relax before moving, I lightly run my hands over his stomach.  He signals me that he’s ready to continue and I begin to pull out then slide right back in.  It’s a dance as old as time, and I know that this is something that I would not want to live without.  I have never felt this close to anyone I was with.  NO one has made me this crazy, this wild before.  And that’s saying a lot.  

I have been with a lot of men over the years, but I have never felt so complete, so fucking hot as I do with Justin.  No one has ever made me feel so good.  And not just about sex either.  Justin challenges me, he is everything that I want in a person – a partner.  Whether it is a friend or … or lover, Justin meets it all.  He is it all.  Everything intensifies when I’m with him, my whole body is on fire.

We continue to move against each other – he’s pushing back into me as I’m moving deeper into him.  I can feel him beginning to tighten around me.  It won’t take much more before we both lose it.  Justin cries out my name as he releases his seed, and I dive in twice more before I too join him.  

Don’t ask me how we both remained standing, cause frankly I have no idea.  My legs feel like rubber, and I know the only reason why I’m still upright is because I’m leaning on Justin.  “One of these days you’re going to kill me,” I tell him, placing a kiss on his shoulder.  

Justin laughs.  “I better watch out.  You’re not getting any younger.”

I pull out of him, and slap him on the ass for good measure.  “Twat.”  Justin only laughs more and cleans himself up.  Today is our last day together for a while, and I sure as hell don’t think that we’re ready to be apart from one another.  Not yet.  Looking at him as he dresses for the day, I finally realize what it is I have to do.  What needs to be done so that we can work all this shit out.  

He still doesn’t trust me… at least not completely.  He’s trying, but I can tell that it’s not easy.  Do I blame him?  No, not really.  He is right.  I have lied to him… too many times to count.  Three times I have broken his trust… three times I have put this – whatever this is between us – in jeopardy.  

I won’t allow it to slip away.  Not when things just might finally get to where they need to be.  

* * * * * * *

Was it just yesterday that I was laying in bed with Justin?  Actually wanting to wake up?  Fuck, what 24 hours will bring.  After seeing Justin off at his plane, I was fucking stuck waiting hours and fucking hours for my own and Emmett’s.  By the time that they had began boarding I was seriously considering homicide.  Then about half-way through the damn flight I was not only considering homicide but suicide as well.  A thought of shoving Emmett out of one of the emergency hatches came to mind.  I wondered if his outfit would work as a parachute, or would he just fall like a damn rock.  No, with my luck lately, he would still be around to torture me no matter what happened.  Why did I agree to go with Emmett again?

Oh yeah, cause I was fucking desperate.  Never the fuck again will I allow myself to get placed in that position.  Fuck that shit.  I felt that I was in the very place my mother always told me I would be.  If this was hell, they could keep it, that’s for damn sure. 

Crawling out of bed, I make my way toward the shower after ensuring that the damn coffee pot had started.  Have I said how much I love timers on those damn things?  

The damn holidays are coming up, and Justin had told me before getting on the plane that he wasn’t going to go back to Pittsburgh to spend it with his family.  He did mention that his mother and sister might be able to make it out for Christmas, but he wasn’t sure on anything that pertains to his ‘family’.  Hell, his family makes mine almost… and I mean ALMOST – seem like saints.  

Not only the damn holidays either.  Justin also has this damn movie premiere coming up, and I want to be there for him.  Justin tells me that it’s not a big deal, that it’s only an Indiefilm, but still… the thought of him being in a movie and not sharing it with him.  Well fuck that.  I am going, no matter what the damn twat says.

I was dressed and out the door within thirty minutes.  I want to be there when Gardner gets in the office.  What I have to say – well propose to him anyway – needs to be done now.  If I have any chance at all, then the sooner I get it going the sooner I can get everything else taken care of.  There’s a lot of shit to get done before the end of the year, and I want to have it all done, and be settled before the New Year starts.  

* * * * * * *

Walking into my office, I think I’m still in shock.  Well not really shock, but something feels a little off.  Gardner gave in rather quickly, and I’m not quite sure what to make of it.  He was all over the idea, thinking how great it would be.  Why do I just feel like I’ve been screwed?

Oh well, it doesn’t matter now I guess.  Well not really.  “Cynthia,” I call into the other office once I set my ‘proposal’ down on my desk.  I had everything in there – everything that would be needed to prove that this was the best path for the company.  Scary thing is… I didn’t really need it.  Fuck me.  Cynthia comes in and places a cup of coffee on my desk the moment I sit down.  What could I do without her?  “I have a question, and I’m not going to tell you what you should do.” I tell her.  I owe her a lot.  I know without a doubt that without this woman – yuck – in my life I wouldn’t be where I am today.  There is no question that she puts up with more shit than anyone I know.  She’s the only reason why I have made it this far in this business.  I think it’s time to reward her for all of her hard work.  Of course it’s all up to her.  We shall see, I guess.

“Okay,” she answered as she sat down in the chair across from me.  “What did Vance want?  Is everything alright?”

I nod my head, and take a sip of my coffee.  That’s another thing about Cynthia that I admire.  She’s one of the few people that knows how to make coffee the way I like it.  Okay so she does a hell of a lot more than that, but hey… this is me we’re talking about.  There is no time to beat around the bush however – it’s time to just come out and tell her how things will be.  “By the end of this year, I will be transferring to the LA office on a permanent basis.  You have a couple of options.  You can transfer there as well, keep your current position as my Administrative Assistant, manager… whatever.  Or you can stay here, and work for someone else.”  

That’s where the problem lies really.  I have no idea where they would put her if she stays here.  I guess that’s why I hope she doesn’t mind the transfer.  If this feeling I’m getting from Vance is any indication, he’s trying to find a way to let me go from the company.  Cynthia will be caught in the cross-fire.  But the big accounts are in LA now… the possibility for so much more is out there.  Business wise it’s the only option.  LA and New York… the only two choices we have if this business is going to be able to fight with the big boys.  We’ve been covering New York pretty well, but that’s left a lot of clients slip through our fingers.  

“Pay,” she asks.

“A 20% increase, plus living allowance to cover the extra cost of living out there.”  Hey I’m not stupid.  I have seen how much shit costs out there.  Vance has already agreed to the items on my list, now all I have to do is get her to go.  Okay, so when I proposed this shit to Vance, I hadn’t even discussed it with anyone else – it was all sort of on the seat of my pants type shit, but hey… fuck it.  

“Vacation time?”

“Six weeks a year.”

Cynthia nods, sitting there thinking it over.  Somehow I know how this is going to turn out.  We’ve known each other for long enough for each of us to be able to figure out what the other is thinking.  Well as close as one can come to knowing with the obvious differences between us.  “I’ll need to be able to assist in picking the staff, setting up the office.  I’ll need at least four weeks to set everything up there.  Transfer accounts, move…”  She begins to write something down on her pad of paper, and I know she’s trying to figure out the pros and cons.  Hell, she’s already figured it out, now all she has to do is figure out how she’s going to do it all in the time allotted.  “When can I leave to get started?”  

That’s my girl.  I knew she wouldn’t let me down.  “You can leave on Monday.  Give me all the shit I need to get done here, and I’ll make sure it’s ready for your approval.”  I give her a small smile.  

“All Right.  I’ll contact the realtor, the banks… what are you going to do about the jeep?  Are you taking it with you?”  Cynthia asks.  She’s already taking control of the situation, making sure that nothing will be left behind.  “What about Gus?”

Fuck, that’s the one thing in this that I have tried NOT to think about.  “I’ll talk to Lindsey.  Don’t worry about that.”  

Have I said that I am glad that Cynthia’s here?  Well I am.

I watch as Cynthia makes her way out to her desk working a mile a minute.  Now comes the hard part.  Family, friends… Justin.  Now I just have to figure out a way to let them all know.  Fuck!  Now I know why I never wanted this shit to begin with.  

I can only hope that it will all work out in the end.  I have to make it work.  That’s all that matters in the end.

* * * * * * *

** EXPERIENTIA DOCET  **

Veni, vidi, vici 

_ I came, I saw, I conquered _

This Chapter 21 in the "EXPERIENTIA DOCET" series.   
Narrated by: Brian Kinney Featuring Michael Novotony, Emmett Honeycutt, Ben Bruckner, Ted Schmidt, Deb Novotony, and others  
Series Rated NC-17 and contains no warnings or spoilers.   
Summary: November 2003.    
Disclaimer: no profit made… The Boys are not mine. No matter how much I’d love to have them… 

* * * * * * *

To say that this week has been hell would be an understatement.  Ever since Vance agreed to the transfer, I have been busting my ass day and fucking night trying to get everything done here.  Of course let’s not forget the twenty million fucking messages that Mikey has left me trying to find out if I wanted to go out.  Fuck!  Like I have time to go out right now.  Finally on Friday, I figured that it would be a hell of a lot easier if I just got this bit of news out of the way.  The sooner I tell them about the move the sooner we can get all the damn dramatics out of the way and I can get the hell out of dodge.  So after much consideration, I call up Mikey and tell him that I’d meet him at Woody’s that night.  What the hell, as I said… let’s get this shit over with.

So here I am, sitting on my ass at the bar – waiting for the ‘gang’ to show up.  I can’t tell you how many times I had to tell someone no tonight.  Is that shit pitiful or what?  Fuck!  The sad part is that I’m not really upset about it.  Yeah, I am a little, who the fuck wouldn’t.  But then I think about WHY I’m saying no, and I know that I made the right decision.  If I’m going to make this work with Justin, I have to try and change.  He has things he needs to work on too, there’s no doubt about that, but as long as I’m showing him I’m putting in the effort… hell who knows what can happen.  

I can hear the guys come in long before I even see them.  Emmett’s telling the guys all about the trip to New York, and I can say it’s hard to wipe the smile off of my face.  The things that went on there… the things that Emmett only wishes he knew.  Hell it would make their heads spin.  “My guess is that someone had a much better weekend then I, myself had.” Emmett stated as they reached me.  “Soo,” he begins.  “Where were you most of the weekend?”

“Busy,” I simply tell him.  I’m not going to share with these idiots the details of my weekend.  Yeah, normally I would, but Justin is different.  That part of my life is private.  

I see Mikey with a pissed off look off to the side, and I shake my head.  5 – 4 – 3 – 2 – 1.  “Where the hell have you been all week?” Mikey whines.  Right on schedule too.  He is so predictable.

I turn toward him and shrug.  “I told you Mikey, I had work to do.  I’ve been busy trying to tie up some lose ends before I leave.”  

“Leave?  But you just got back.” He stated.

“Ohh, and where are you going?  Back out to LA to see some hot, little thing?” Emmett asked.  Of course that only pisses Mikey off more.  You can almost see the steam coming out of his ears.  

As much as I love Mikey, and will always love him, he has a way of pissing me off.  He’s going to give himself a heart-attack before he’s 35 if he keeps this up.  “Why would he go out there?  He’s done with that little shit.”

Shaking my head, I just roll my eyes at him.  “Actually I am heading out to LA.  In fact, by the end of the year, I will be permanently moved there.” I drop on them.  I look around at them and take in the various degrees of disbelief showing on their faces.  Emmett seems pleased, of course.  Ted… well who the hell knows with him.  Ben seems happy about it as well.  Mikey however, well he looks like someone just stuck a wooden stick up his ass… without lube.  “This campaign is bigger than any of us thought, and we’ve gotten a lot of calls for potential clients out in that area.  It makes sense that I set up there.  Especially since I’d be the one to handle them.  It saves on the travel expense and time.”

“When did you decide this?” Mikey asks.

“Earlier this week,” I tell him taking a drink of my beer.  “That’s why I’ve been working every night this week.”  Okay, I never figured that I had to explain myself to these fools, but in a way I do owe Mikey some sort of explanation.  He has been there for me for years, even when I didn’t deserve it.  “Mikey… you can always come out to visit.  Just think of all the fun we could have on the beaches.”

“You’re going out there with him aren’t you?”  Leave it to Mikey to see what he wants to see.  “You’re choosing him over us?”

“I’m not choosing anyone over anyone else.  This is business, Mikey.  I have to do what is required of me.  And the best thing for the business right now is moving to LA.  It’s that simple.  No fucking hidden agenda’s, no ulterior motives.  Work, plain and simple.”  Okay… so that’s not entirely true.  I am going out there so that Justin and I can give this whole relationship crap a try.  That is one of the MAIN reasons why I told Vance that we needed to do this.  But it’s not like I’m lying to him.  It is best for the business if I go out there.  We can get a lot of high paying clients, and the possibilities are endless.  The Asian market… the entire West Coast.  Fuck it’s enough to make my mind go crazy.  So if Justin is there… well it’s the added bonus.

Mikey just looks at me and storms off.  Some how I knew that this would not turn out well.  Getting up from my chair, I make my way out the door.  I reach out and grab a hold of his arm, turning him toward me.  “What the fuck is your problem?” I ask.

“I see where I stand,” he begins.  “No one is that good, Brian.  You’re willing to throw away fifteen years of friendship for that?!”

“Jesus, Mikey, can we cut back on the drama routine?” I say shaking my head.  “I’m not throwing away anything here.  Even if I’m out in LA, it doesn’t mean that we’re not friends.”

The only thing going through my head right now is ‘don’t make me choose, Mikey’.  Don’t fucking make me choose.  “You’re heading out there to be with him.  How the hell is that not choosing him over us?”

“I told you, it’s work.  So what if Justin is out there, too?  The way I look at it, that’s just an added bonus.”  I watch as Mikey shakes his head and turns away from me.  “Oh so it’s alright for you to go out to Portland with Doctor Dave, but it’s not alright for me to go out to LA for business?  That’s fucked Mikey.”

Mikey turns back toward me, and I shake my head in disgust.  That’s exactly what he’s thinking.  “That was different.  And we both know that it’s not business that you’re going out there for.  You have told me my whole life that you don’t do love… to never follow anyone.  If that’s true then what the fuck are you doing?”

I can feel the headache coming as I run my hands over my face.  This is NOT what I wanted to do with my Friday night.  The really sad part is… this is the easy part!  I still haven’t told Justin yet.  I can just hear him now.  Fuck!  When the hell did my life get so damn complicated?  “Mikey,” I begin, trying to calm this whole mess down.  “I don’t know what you’re thinking, but you can stop this shit now.  This is business.  I worked too damn long and too damn hard to get here.  I’m not going to put all of it in jeopardy.”  I take a deep breath, and let it out slowly.  “Mikey, if you can’t understand that, then there’s nothing that I can do.  I’m not going to pass this up because you’re afraid of something.  We’re not going to be anything other than friends.”

The look in Mikey’s eyes is well known.  I have always known that he had been holding out that we would some day be more than friends.  I’m partly to blame for that, I know I am.  He of course will always hold out hope – like some love sick teen.  We’re not those damn kids anymore, and I’m trying to grow up a some.  It’s taken me a long time to get here, but I’m not ready to end it yet.  For the first time in my life, I’m happy.  I want to go forward not backwards.  Staying here – living this life – would be like stepping back in time.  I’m not going to be stuck in some fantasy world.  It’s time to grow up, and move on.  “But… it’s not like that Brian.  We made promises to each other.”

“And my moving out there won’t change that.  It’s time, Mikey.”  I take one last look at him and turn away.  I don’t want to deal with this shit anymore.  I can’t deal with this shit anymore.  It’s time to go on with my life.  Mikey has the Professor… I need something in my life too.  I need to do this, if for nothing else than myself.  I guess if Mikey can’t understand that… can’t accept it, then we weren’t as close a friends as I thought we were.  But I can’t let my friends and family run my life anymore.  Times have changed and I’m ready to hop on the train before it passes me by.

* * * * * * *

Somehow I knew that Melanie would be happy about my move.  Hell, she’s never liked me.  Never wanted me to be a part of their lives, and sure as fuck didn’t want me to be the father of Gus.  The thing is, I don’t give a fuck.  What this bitch doesn’t understand is that even though I’m moving to the other side of the damn U.S. it doesn’t mean that I’m going to stop being a part of my son’s life.  I’m still going to be there for him if he needs me…Hell Lindsey wouldn’t have it any other way.  

Of course Linds is happy… fucking thrilled that I’m going.  She thinks it’s the best thing that I can do for myself.  We’ve talked about what it all means, what needs to be done.  Making sure that Gus and her are set is my main priority.  “So do you know where you’re going to live?” Linds asks.  I know what she’s thinking and I have to bite my tongue.  

“I don’t know yet, but I’m sure I’ll know before I leave glorious Pittsburgh where I’ll be living.  It’s not like I’m going to be living on the streets, Linds.” I tell her.  

“You haven’t’ told him yet, have you?”  Linds asks.  Shaking her head she just sighs.  “Brian?”

“Alright… no I haven’t told him yet.  I wanted to be sure that it was actually going to go through before I told him.”  What a pitiful, lame-ass excuse.  

Linds just sits there and laughs at me.  “Brian… when are you going to learn?  I think that if anyone needs to know your plans and be a part of them, it should be him.  If you want to make things work between you and Justin you have to include him in those plans… talk to him about it, not just assume.”

“How very lesbian.” I whisper, shaking my head.  “I haven’t had the chance to tell him yet, okay.  I’m going to talk to him this weekend ,since it will be the first time since we saw each other this weekend that we’re both not busy.  Hell, he’s been traveling and shit since last week.  We’ve hardly had time to call and say hello, let alone trying to talk about me moving out there.”

“Brian,” Linds says moving to sit next to me.  I pull Gus into my lap, looking at the miniature version of me.  It still amazes me that he’s mine.  “I know that you want to make this work between you and Justin, and I hope that you aren’t making this change based only on him.  I mean what if things don’t work out for the two of you?  What if… Brian have you thought this through?  I mean really?”

I shake my head as I look down at my son.  “Mommy is worried about me.” I tell Gus.  “Look, Linds.” I begin.  “I know what I’m doing, and whether or not Justin is involved this is the right move for me.  If I want to move up in the business, become a full partner, then I need to make a move.  Right now, I’m being treated as some second rate hustler, instead of a partner.  Fuck that!  I thought if anyone would understand it would be you.”

“I just want to make sure that you’re doing it for the right reasons, not just for something that might not work out.”

“So what?  You don’t’ think I can make things work with Justin, is that it?  You don’t think I’m capable of being in a relationship.  Fuck you’re starting to sound like Mikey.  And I’ve had enough of that shit to last a life-time.”  I kiss Gus one last time, and hand him over to Linds.  I need to get out of there before I lose it.  It’s insane, really.  No one thinks that I can do it… they all think that I’m crazy for even attempting this.  “Thanks for the vote of confidence.  It just means sooo much.”

I am out the door and at the jeep before she can answer.  I wonder briefly why the hell I even stayed here as long as I have.  Why the fuck did I put up with people, who evidently have no belief in me.  They all think that I’m going to fuck it up… that I’m making a mistake.  The thing that they don’t realize is that for the first time in my life, I feel like I’m doing the right thing.  I think I’m finally doing the thing that I should be doing, not what everyone thinks I should do.  The only thing I can hope is that the last person I need to tell will understand.  If not… then I guess there’s no hope for me here anymore.  

I pull up to Deb’s house, and shut off the engine.  I know that Deb is working so this will give me the chance to talk to Vic without all the extra shit.  Knocking on the door, I let out a silent prayer that someone will understand.  “Brian?  Come on in.  What can I do for you?”  Vic asks as he opens the door fully letting me come inside.  “So I heard about the big move.”

“Fuck.  What did Mikey and the gang put an ad out in the paper?” I say as I sit down on the couch.  Could this day get any longer?  “Yes, I am moving out to LA.  Yes, it is business.  And yes I know that Justin is there too.  I am going out there for work, and if things work out with Justin fine… if not then that’s okay too.  What the fuck does everyone expect me to do?  Say no?”

I know I shouldn’t take all this shit out on Vic… he’s one of the only ones who has been supportive of me throughout my life.  But damn.  I am so sick of this shit today that I’m not ready to hear another ‘are you sure, Brian’ crap.  “Then I say do it,” Vic states.  With those words I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  “If this is what you have to do, for whatever reason you are doing it for… then do it.  Don’t let what anyone here says hold you back.  We’ll deal with it.  You need to do what is right for you.  IF that means that you move out there, that you try and make things work with Justin, then I say good for you.  I’m proud of you.  Hell if you wanted to go and move there because we bother the hell out of you, then do it.”  I laugh slightly at his choice of words.  He knows me too well.  

Vic leans forward and rests his elbows on his knees.  “If there’s one thing that I have learned, and one thing that you can take away from some old fag, it’s this.  Do what you need to do for yourself.  Do what’s right for you.  Don’t let others dictate how you’re going to live your life.  They aren’t living it… they can’t make the decisions for you.  No matter how much they would want to, they aren’t you.  If they are truly your friend, they will be there for you no matter what.”

I nod my head, taking his words in.  Vic would know too.  I mean how many people turned away from him because he was gay?  How many people turned away when he found out he was positive?  It’s something that I will never know.  But the thing is… he’s survived, he’s still here – living and breathing.  I haven’t seen him quit yet, when everyone else is expecting him too.  That’s why I respect him so much, why I will always count on him to give me an honest answer.  “Thanks, Vic.”

Vic just smiled at me, and shrugs.  Sitting back in his chair, he gives me an evil look.  “So, are you planning on living with him?”  Fuck, now why did I think that talking to him would be a good idea?

“Let me talk to Justin first.  Then I’ll let you know.”  I tell him.  And I will.  I’ll keep him informed.  “Hell, who knows, maybe you can come out sometime and meet some hot actor, and fuck his brains out.”  Now that would be a sight wouldn’t it?  We both just laugh, knowing that no matter what we’ll always be there for each other.  I know I can count on him, and I know he feels the same about me.  I’ll talk to Justin tonight, and I can only hope he won’t blow a gasket when I tell him.  Fuck, that will be interesting.  

At least I have Vic to help me through this, and I know that Justin will no matter what.  I only wish that the others could be there as well.  If not… then it’s like Vic said – I guess they weren’t really my friends at all.

* * * * * * *

** Vox clamantis in deserto **   
_A voice of one crying in the wilderness_

This Chapter 22 in the "EXPERIENTIA DOCET" series.   
Narrated by: Justin Taylor Featuring Brian Kinney, James Marsters, Nicholas Brendon Anthony Stewart Head, Daphne Chandler, Cynthia Morgan, and others   
Series Rated NC-17 and contains no warnings or spoilers.   
Summary: November 2003.   
Disclaimer: no profit made… The Boys are not mine. No matter how much I’d love to have them…   
* * * * * * * 

I am not sure really what to make of things lately.  It seems like my life is one big rollercoaster, and I don’t know if I like it.  This month has been pure hell… okay so the last two months have been hell.  Brian and I go from being happy, to being a part, to… I have no idea what we are now.  Yeah, I told him that this was his last chance, but what exactly does that mean?  He’s still in Pittsburgh, and I’m still here.  That’s not likely to change anytime soon.  He did tell me that he was coming out to spend the long Thanksgiving weekend with me, and I have mixed feelings over it.  No matter what I tell him… I am still hurt over everything that has happened. 

Now, people think that I’m being irrational.  That I never should have gotten mad at him to begin with.  But I think I am right.  Let me remind you of our whole relationship mistakes, okay? 

First off, when I first met him he told me that he was simply there for work.  He didn’t tell me anything about some person in Pittsburgh wanting me for an ad.  Okay, so I do know Jacobs, but that wasn’t the point.  The point was that he had purposely set out to get close to me for one reason and one reason only.  He even told me that he wouldn’t have come up to me otherwise.  So he avoided any talk about what he did for a living.  I didn’t even know until the day that I saw him sitting behind the desk.  Anyway, I forgave all of that.  Even if I was pissed about the reasons WHY he sought me out, I figured what the hell, right? 

Second.  Okay… now I know that this is a confusing one.  Some people would say that it was when I found out he was fucking some guy while he was trying to get on my ‘good-side’.  But here the thing.  Yeah, I am angry about it.  But see I know I have NO right to be pissed about.  At the time we weren’t anything to each other.  We had no claim toward each other. 

The real second thing is something entirely different.  What I think I was really angry about was the fact that he had kept something else from me.  He was there.  He told me.  He fucking knew and he didn’t tell me.  For me it put EVERYTHING that we had up until that point into question.  He was there when Hobbs attacked me.  He had said he had looked for me.  He knew and he didn’t tell me.  For me that was HUGE!  That moment made me who I am today.  I had always wanted to know about the mystery man who was there, but I never knew.  It was the thing that had haunted me for years to follow.  Then… then I found out that he was right in front of me.  He knew and didn’t tell me. 

Now the latest.  He gets jealous of me… of something that in his mind thinks is going on.  He forgets about the time change, and feels guilty for going out and fucking some nameless fuck AFTER mind you, he had promised me that he would be monogamous.  He refused to tell me and I had to find out about it from his ‘best’ friend. 

See a pattern here?  I sure as hell do.  That’s where the problem lays.  He thinks he can just withhold things from me and it’s okay.  That what I don’t know won’t hurt us.  But that’s a complete lie.  It always comes out.  Always. 

I have been lied to so many times in my life.  So many people have withheld information ‘for my own good’.  Yeah, right.  What they don’t realize – and it’s Brian’s problem as well – is that not knowing… or believing something entirely different makes the truth a thousand times worse.  I’m not sure if it’s the same thing for everyone else, but it sure as hell is for me.  It makes me… I guess it just makes me feel worthless.  Like I’m not good enough, or strong enough to handle it. 

After the bashing, everyone would tell me that I didn’t need to know what happened.  That if I was meant to know then I would remember.  That it wasn’t a big deal.  Here’s the thing – it was a HUGE deal.  Someone tried to fucking kill me.  Why?  Simple because I was gay.  Because he was a closet case who couldn’t handle that I was gay.  That I had given him a fucking hand job and he loved it.  Yeah… no big deal. 

Of course the shit with my dad, and the rest of my family.  My mom… god she was the worst.  I love her, I really do, but the things she did during that time are unforgivable.  She would tell me while I was in the hospital that things were okay.  When I asked where dad was, she would tell me not to worry about it.  I knew how daddy was.  When I would ask about the rest of the family, and how they were handling this mess… once again it she would say that she would see what she could do about getting them to come and see me. 

Of course none of those occurred.  Dad… Craig—refused to even acknowledge that he had a GAY son.  He hated who I was, and what I represented.  Same with the rest of my family.  She kept what they thought and felt from me, so when I got out and discovered it for myself… I was a mess. 

Not knowing, and knowing lies made things so much harder for me.  It started me down a road that I have been trying to get off of since that day.  I felt that I was not meant to know the truth… that it’s my fault that they can’t just come out and tell me.  I’m not strong enough to handle it. 

Poor Justin.  Bashed in the head, and is so weak he can’t handle the truth.  So hey let’s just keep him in the dark. 

No.  I swore to myself when I got this job on Buffy that I was going to get off that road.  It was time to finally get what I deserved.  I am no longer that damaged kid.  I know what I want, and I know that I’m strong enough now to handle anything.  I am not weak.  I want to be respected for who I am, and what I have accomplished.  I’m finally someone.  I have beaten them.  Chris Hobbs no longer holds any power over me.  My father, and the rest of them hold no power over me.  I told myself I would NOT fall back into that trap. 

That’s why I have such a problem with Brian and mine relationship so far. 

I am now someone who can stand up for myself.  I can make a difference – not only in my life, but in the lives of others.  I am becoming someone who is recognized… not as a victim, but as a person.  That’s important to me.  That’s what I have been fighting since that day.  I’m not the victim anymore.  I won’t go backwards.  If I can show others that they don’t have to let themselves be beaten down… that they don’t have to stay a victim, then I have done something.  I have done what I had set out to do when I left that house. 

That’s important to me.  I won’t be a victim anymore. 

* * * * * * * 

I’m not sure really when Brian is going to arrive.  He told me it was a surprise – he had something big he wanted to tell me.  He said that if I met him at the airport that he wouldn’t be able to tell me the way he wants to.  What the hell that means is beyond me.  But hey, who ever understands Brian? 

Saturday I have an appointment with some magazine reporter.  The movie I filmed back in May is making it’s rounds through the Indie circuit, and the reviews are pretty positive.  I’m not sure exactly what type of questions they will ask, but I think it will turn out okay.  I don’t know what Brian is going to do during it, or what he has planned for the time he’s here, but I’m sure we can figure it out.  Then again, I have NO idea how long he’s planning on staying. 

Blake told me he is heading back to Pittsburgh this weekend.  He still has family there, and this will be the first time he has seen them since he cleaned himself up.  I wish him the best of luck, but whatever happens I told him that I’ll be here for him.  He’s been there for me when I needed him, so I can’t very well turn my back on him.  It’s just the way we are with each other.  Of course I hope that while he’s there he goes and sees Ted.  He has a lot of unresolved issues about that relationship, and I think its what’s holding him back from getting into anything here. 

Yeah, like I should be giving relationship advice to anyone.  Mine is so fucked up that I can hardly even see straight. 

My cell goes off as I’m heading out of the loft, so I pull it out of my pocket and answer it.  “Hello.” I say in greeting.  Not many people have this number so I’m not too worried about it being some crazy person. 

“Hey,” Brian’s voice comes across.  Okay… so maybe some crazy people have this number.  Just kidding, I think.  “What are you doing?” 

“I was about ready to head out and get a bite to eat.  Where are you at?” I ask.  Is he still in Pittsburgh?  Is he on the plane?  Hell if I know since he’s keeping this whole thing a mystery.  Why I don’t know, but I am intrigued. 

“Actually I’m just sitting here outside this small little dive…. Wondering where you are.”  Okay, now I’m confused.  What the hell is he talking about?  “Come outside, Sunshine.  I’m hungry.”  Ah ha.  Finally the truth comes out.  The fucker is here. 

I close up the loft and head down stairs.  “When did you get in?” I ask as I make my way toward the main exit. 

“About an hour ago.” He replied.  I can almost see the smug look on his face.  He thinks he’s got one on me.  So maybe he does, but I’m not going to let him know. 

”Where are you?” I ask into the phone, looking around the busy street for him.  Suddenly a limo pulls up, and the door opens.  I can only shake my head as I see Brian’s head pop out.  “What the fuck?” 

“Come on, I said I was hungry.” He said as he held the door for me.  I move into the limo and pull the door closed behind me. 

“You have no idea what it is you’re doing do you?” I laugh.  There’s something about the look in his eyes that I can’t quite figure out.  I don’t know what it is, but something has changed. 

“Yes, I do.  I know exactly what I’m doing.  Do you?” He asks with a damn smug look on his face. 

I look at him and try to figure out what is different about him.  What in the world he’s talking about.  Finally not getting any answers by just staring at him, I break down.  “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” I ask. 

Brian smiles at me, and raises his eyebrows.  “Hold that thought.  I’ll answer all your questions later.”  I realize that he’s not going to tell me shit until he’s damn good and ready, so I just shake my head and follow his lead.  Whatever he has planned for tonight it’s big.  He’s going all out, and that not only scares the shit out of me, it excites me.  I get the feeling that he really wants to make this work.  He is really trying this time.  I’m almost… God, I feel the butterflies in my stomach going crazy.  The way he looks at me. 

Oh yeah.  This is good.  I can handle this.  I can’t help wonder how long this will last.   
  

* * * * * * *   
We leave the small, hole-in-the-wall seafood place, and leave the limo there.  Deciding to take a walk on the beach instead seemed like the right thing to do.  I like it.  It feels like we are a real couple.  Fuck, did I just say that? 

Anyway, it’s nice… just walking along the beach, feeling the sand beneath my feet.  The sun is beginning to set, and the sky is  beautiful shades of reds, yellows, purples… it’s beautiful.  I don’t think I will ever get tired of seeing the sunset.  And to think there was a time when I didn’t think I would see another one again… at least not see the beauty in them.  Before it was just something to signify the end of the day.  Now… now everything is different.  It’s nice… comfortable.  I could get used to this feeling. 

With Brian’s hand in mine, I glance over at him.  The setting sun highlighting his hair… allowing some red to show through.  God, he’s fucking beautiful.  It makes me want to take up drawing again.  Something I never thought I would want again… but he brings it out in me.  “So?” I ask, bringing his attention on the reason he’s here.  “What is the big secret that you couldn’t tell me on the phone?” 

“Ahhh, that.” He begins.  He stops and steps in front of me, holding both of my hands in his own.  I can tell that he’s nervous about something, and I’m almost sorry I even asked.  Can I handle another heart-break?  Oh God, do I even want to know?  “I was offered a position… I’ll be basically a full partner in the firm now and with a whole hell of a lot more responsibilities.  I’ll have to move… find a new place to live.  Make a whole life change.” 

I feel the lump in my throat grow.  I want to be happy for him… I really do.  He deserves the best, and this job offer is what he deserves.  Honestly, I’m scared shitless.  What will it mean for us?  Where is he moving to?  “I’m happy for you.” I tell him.  “So when do you move?” 

Brian rolls his lip into his mouth and lowers his head.  “I need to be fully settled into the new place and office by the first of the year.” He tells me.  I can feel my world start to crash in on me.  I can see him in an office… I don’t know in London, or some other far off fucking place far away from me.  I don’t even want to know.  I really don’t.  I have no say in what he should do.  Before I can get too far into my own thoughts, I see him looking at me through his eyelashes with a smile on his face, his head still bent.  “So I guess what I was wondering… is… do you think you could help me find a place?” 

“What?” I ask him.  What is he trying to tell me? 

“Do you think you could help me find a place to stay?  I would suggest staying with you, but we both know that we’re not quite ready for that yet… someday, but…” He tells me. 

Then it hits me like a fucking sledgehammer.  “You’re job is here?” I ask, and he nods.  “In LA?” Another nod.  “Why the fuck didn’t you tell me before?  When did this come about?”  Can I say again… who ever said I was supposed to be rational?  He just drives me crazy at times, and he loves it too.  The fucker. 

“I didn’t think that this would be something to tell you over the phone.” He says in defense.  Okay, I understand his reasonings, I do.  But damn it does irritate me in a way.  “We’ve been getting a lot of potential clients coming out of this area… and a pretty good lead on the Asian markets.  Vance decided that we needed to put in a more permanent fixture here.  Soo, I said I would do it.” 

“And you thought?” I asked, purposely leaving out the rest of the question.  He knows what I’m asking – I know he does. 

Brian raises his head so he can look me fully in the eye.  “Justin… even if we don’t work out, I couldn’t pass this up.” 

“This is all a little crazy, don’t you think?  You just woke up one day and decided that you needed to move out here?  Why?” I ask wanting to know if somehow… if I was a part of his decision process.  Somehow I just need to know. 

But you can’t deny that it couldn’t hurt to at least be in the same damn time zone.” He says.  I sure as hell can’t deny that, since that was the main reason for our latest break-up.  “I’m not asking for anything more than what either one of us is willing to give.  I’m not.” 

“You’re crazy.” I tell him. 

“Maybe.” He says with a shrug.  “But I’m willing to take the chance.  Are you?  Are you willing to take that step?” 

* * * * * * * 

** Annuit coeptis  **   
_He has smiled on our undertakings_

  
  

This Chapter 23 in the "EXPERIENTIA DOCET" series.   
Narrated by: Justin Taylor and Brian Kinney   
Series Rated NC-17 and contains no warnings or spoilers.   
Summary: November 2003.   
Disclaimer: no profit made… The Boys are not mine. No matter how much I’d love to have them… 

* * * * * * *

Shocked… that’s all I can say that I am.  Brian is moving to LA!  He’s moving here, and he wants me to help him find a place.  I know that he wants to make things work this time, and I’m for it… but I never would have thought the he would do something like THIS!  It’s beyond anything I ever thought… ever dreamed. 

Now, don’t you think that I’m not a little scared.  Don’t think that I’m going to just forget everything… I’m not.  I can’t.  If I let go of everything… if I just let him get away with it, then that will give him the chance to do it all over again.  At least that’s my fear.  But I won’t let that fear, or the fear that I have of us, get in the way.  The thing is … he’s here, he will be here, and I’m going to try to make this work. 

So, Brian will be here all the time starting the New Year.  Now… now we’re just going to enjoy Thanksgiving together and see where it will lead us.  I do have one thing that I have to do this long weekend, but it shouldn’t take too long.  Then… well then I guess it will be just Brian and I for the rest of the weekend – since Blake is in Pittsburgh. 

Brian and I begin to walk back to the limo, and I can only smile at him.  The thought that he is taking this chance – that he’s making this effort for US – hell, I can’t even begin to describe what I’m feeling right now.  He asked me if I was willing to take that step.  I guess that the million dollar question.  Am I?  I stop and turn toward him.  “Am I willing to take that step?” He nods, still holding my hand in his own.  I can feel his nervousness, and I decide that I just can’t make him suffer too long.  I’d like to, but I won’t.  “Do you think that we really have a chance?  A real chance?” 

Brian laughs slightly, nervously, and shrugs.  “Hell if I know, but I’m willing to give it a shot.  If we don’t, then we will never know.” 

I smile up at him, hoping to let him know that he doesn’t have to be nervous.  “You can’t be serious!  Who are you and what have you done with the real Brian Kinney?  I know that this can’t be what you want… what you really want.  Is it?  Are you serious about this?” I ask him.  I need to know.  I really need to know if he’s serious about this.  This move will change everything. 

He shrugs slightly and rolls his lower lip into his mouth.  He takes a deep breath and I feel him hold my hand in his – his eyes staring deep into mine.  “I’m serious.” He says. 

I take a deep breath myself and watch the emotions play across his face.  He’s nervous, scared, but I see the love there.  I know this is what he really wants to do.  He really wants to give us a chance.  He’s willing to prove to me that it will work out.  “What the hell.  I’m willing if you are.”  I watch as the smile spreads across his face, and the light shines in his eyes.  I know that this is the right thing for us.  I feel my own fears slowly slip away, and I am ready to take that leap. 

Cause I know he’ll be there to catch me.   
  

* * * * * * *

Just seeing the smile that is shining off of his face… fuck!  I know that I made the right decision.  If we are ever going to work out, we need to do this.  I need to be here.  That much I do know.  It’s funny when you think about it, really.  Here I am, Brian Kinney… Stud of Liberty Avenue – never believing in relationships and love – moving to LA to try and make things work with someone.  The gossip lines, and emergency fag help-lines are overflowing with calls.  The backroom for me is closed.  Fuck me. 

I guess the real thing is that I’m not sorry.  I’m not at all sad, or depressed like I thought I would be over it.  I feel relieved, actually.  I know that it’s time I grew up… time I start thinking about my future.  Do I really want to spend my whole life alone… sitting on the beach somewhere with Mikey by my side.  Hell it would be old, wrinkled me with Mikey and his newest love.  I’ll be sitting there talking about the ‘good ol’ days’ wondering why I don’t’ have anyone to share my life with. 

Nah… it’s time to grow up.  Time to move on. 

We head back to his place, and undress.  Tonight… fuck, tonight all I want to do is have him beside me.  It’s not all about sex with Justin and I – which would shock the hell out of anyone back home, but it’s the truth.  We’re both tired from lack of sleep these past couple of weeks, and it just feels … I don’t know really.  Natural I guess.  It feels good to just hold him in my arms, to have him beside me, knowing that he will be here in the morning. 

Don’t get me wrong the sex is beyond great.  But that’s not what we’re all about.  It’s taken me a while to figure that out, but I have.  Justin has his head on my shoulder, his leg wrapped around me and his arm draped over my chest.  It just feels good.  I have no idea where we’ll go from here, or where things will lead us, but I think that I’m ready.  Hell I better be!   
  

* * * * * * *

I wake up long before Brian, and there’s just so much that I have to do.  I have that damn interview today at 2:00, calls to make before then… so much to do, and not enough time to even start it.  Oh and let’s not forget that tomorrow is Thanksgiving.  I still have to start the cooking if we’re even going to THINK about eating.  And no, I am not going to some damn restaurant or some other shit to eat.  I haven’t yet since I have lived on my own and I’m not going to start now. 

Of course I know that Brian can’t cook worth a damn so it’s mainly up to me.  That’s fine by me, cause I love to cook.  I just wish I had more time.  Maybe I can get Brian to do some preliminary stuff while I’m at the interview today.  Who knows? 

By ten, Brian finally drags himself out of bed, and heads straight for the coffee.  I have learned to not even try and talk to him until he’s had that.  I’m blond not stupid.  “So what’s on the agenda today?” He asks sitting down on the edge of my desk.  I’m grateful that he’s not sitting his boney ass on my papers. 

I pull out my PDA and hand it to him – showing him my complete schedule for the next couple of weeks.  I know it must look totally crazy with appearances after appearances, but I’m used to it now.  With the premiere in two weeks, I have a lot of things to do.  Photo shoots, interviews – you name it I have it.  I want to tell him ‘welcome to my world, Brian… aren’t you glad you chose me?’  But I can’t bring myself to tell him that.  I’d like to think that he’s okay with it… but I’m not sure.  This will definitely have to be something we talk in depth about. 

“Jesus, Justin… there’s like six things to do in two days here.  How the hell do you fit it all in?” He asks staring at the calendar. 

I shrug slightly and sit back in the chair.  “Half of the time I don’t really know.  I mean, I’m so used to it by now.  Just wait until I become a real star and see what happens.” I joke.  And it’s true.  At least now I don’t have the damn paparazzi on my tail every second of the day and night.  Well I do at times, but I’m not that big of news yet.  It’s getting there though with the show getting further and further into the season.  And now that I’ve already signed to do Angel… fuck me.  I reach over and put my hand on his, getting his attention.  “Are you sure you really want to do this, Brian?  If I hit it big… if I have even ONE staring role or big movie deal… anything, my life will be an open book.  That means that anyone I’m with will also be front page, right along with mine.” 

Brian just looks into my eyes, I don’t know what he’s looking for, but all I can do is hold his gaze.  I can only hope he finds what he’s looking for.  Slowly a small smile appears on his face, as he leans in and lightly traces my lips with his tongue.  “I’ve always loved sex in public places.” He said with a smirk.  I shake my head, letting him know that that was NOT what I was referring to.  “I know, I know.” He said raising his hands up in front of me, trying to stop any argument.  “I’m fine with it… or at least I will be. Okay?” 

“Okay.  I just thought I’d warn you… you know in case I ever become big and famous.” I say with a small smile. 

Brian shakes his head and looks back down at my schedule.  “But honestly, Justin.  Who is scheduling these things for you?  Is this normal?” 

I stand up and look over at the small screen, leaning my chin on his shoulder.  “Actually that’s pretty light.  And Blake handles a lot of this… well along with Eric.  Eric mainly only schedules the appearances, confers with Blake on when I’m available… so on and so forth.  Hell, half of the time I don’t know where I am or where I need to be next.  I think that Blake is wasting talent on just being my assistant.  I’ve tried to tell him that, but he won’t listen of course.  He can be so much more… I hate thinking that I’m holding him back.” 

“Maybe you should have someone else take over for him for a while.  Give him a chance to try other things.” Brian stated turning his head slightly so he could kiss the tip of my nose.  “All I’m saying, before you get your balls in a bunch is that you should talk to him about it… let him know that the option’s open.  Especially if you feel so strongly about it.” He told me.  And he’s right.  I would feel bad – do in fact – if I hold Blake back from what he is destined to do.  I nod briefly, then move away from Brian. 

Walking up to the bedroom, I start to pull out my clothes for the day out of the closet.  “Do you think you could start some of the little stuff for dinner tomorrow?  I’ll do the major stuff when I get back from this interview, but I don’t think I’ll have time to do it all.” I say over my shoulder as I start to pull on my pants. 

I feel Brian come up behind me and wrap his hands around my waist.  “Yes, dear.  I think I can cut a few vegetables and stuff without any problems.  I’m not that much of a terror in the kitchen.” 

I smile and lean back against him.  “I’m sure your not, but Brian?” I begin as I turn around in his arms.  “This isn’t a little sandwich or a can of soup we’re talking about… this is our Thanksgiving dinner.” 

Brian pulled back pretending to be hurt.  With his hand to his chest and his eyes wide in mock insult he shook his head.  “You wound me, Sunshine.  I am insulted.” 

“So you’re saying that you could cook the turkey all by yourself?  That you could get the stuffing, and the casserole, and the pies, and the…. Well you get the point here.  You’re saying you could do it all on your own?” I challenge him. 

Brian moved and sat down on the edge of the bed and looked up at me as I started to pull on my shirt.  He cocked his finger at me, and once I got close enough he started to button up my blue silk shirt.  “I wouldn’t want to take away all your fun.  Besides, I never actually said I could do it… well not without some help and plenty of encouragement.” He said with a sly grin. 

Everything with him is about sex, or at least has some sexual overtones.  I just shake my head and sit down on the edge of the bed and pull on my loafers.  “Okay.” I begin placing my hand on his leg.  “I’m off, but I should be back by four.  You know where everything is, and there’s a small list of stuff that you can do to help.  Don’t worry about getting to it all.” 

Brian reached up and pulled me down for a kiss, slipping his tongue into my mouth.  God, if I didn’t have to be leaving NOW… fuck!  “I think I can manage.  See you soon?” 

“I pull away from him and close my eyes to compose myself.  It wouldn’t do me any good to go outside with a fucking hard-on.  “Later.” I whisper as I slowly make my way toward the door. 

“Later.” I hear him call out to me from the bedroom.  Fuck, this man is going to be the death of me I’m sure of it.   
  

* * * * * * *

Once the door closes, I walk over to my luggage and start to unpack.  I didn’t get a chance to yesterday, so since I’m alone for the next couple of hours, I figure what the hell.  Of course I am sort of hoping that Justin will invite me to stay here with him, but I’m not rushing that yet.  I still have time to get him to see the benefits of that little arraignment.  My little blond bombshell just needs a little convincing, and I’m definitely up for the challenge. 

As I walk into the bathroom, I can’t help but notice how similar Justin and I are in many things.  We both like open spaces, large showers… and nice things.  Yeah so he’s still a kid at heart – spending his Saturday mornings watching the Power Puff Girls, but I guess that’s what I like about him.  He doesn’t let this shit get to his head like most actors.  That is what my biggest worry was when Vance first proposed this whole mess to me.  I thought that Justin would be like any other actor I had seen or heard about.  Uptight, snotty… so full of himself he couldn’t see anything else.  But what I found… fuck!  I’m glad that I took this chance. 

There will never be anyone else like Justin.  No one I’ve met anyway.  He’s the only one who can match me wit for wit.  He’s smart, witty, and sexy as hell. 

I remember when I was young… before I had even developed my little creed – I had dreamed about what my perfect match would be… about who I would spend the rest of my life with.  Since I had always been partial to boys – men – I knew that I wouldn’t be in some large house with a white picket fence and two point three kids.  No.  I wasn’t going to be my father. 

Justin is the type of person that I had dreamed about. 

I had lost that dream for a long time… but seeing him again, talking to him – I had found that dream all over again.  I felt like I was a kid in the candy store. 

I realize now that he is what I had been looking for my whole life, and I’m not going to fuck it up again.  I believe him when he says this is the last chance – our last chance.  I’m not going to screw things up this time.  I’m going to try my hardest to NOT fuck this up.  And if we fail… well at least I know that we gave it our all.  At least we tried – at least I tried. 

Of course standing here at the kitchen counter making Thanksgiving dinner was NEVER a part of my dream.  Fuck me!  If the guys could see me now. 

I know what they would do and say.  Deb would get all damn teary eyed, saying shit like how I’ve finally grown up.  Emmett would just fucking cry.  Ted… well I don’t know what Ted would do really. 

Mikey… fuck!  Mikey would have a cow.  I know that I’m going to have to sit down and have a long talk with him when I get back.  He just doesn’t understand all of this, and I know he’s afraid that we won’t be friends anymore.  Okay, I know he still has these damn fantasies about the two of us getting together… or God help me – grow old together on the beaches of Palm Springs or somewhere like that.  But that’s just not me anymore. 

Mikey refuses to see that I’ve changed.  That I wanted to change.  Mikey has Ben now, and he needs to rely on Ben.  Their relationship won’t go anywhere unless I’m out of the picture.  It happened with Doctor Dick… of course I was happy that little fucking thing ended, but I like Ben.  He’s good for Mikey.  I have to stand back, step away from his life so he can make it on his own.  He’s always relied on me too much, and I can’t let that happen anymore. 

I guess that’s one of the reasons why I wanted to make this move so badly.  Yeah, the main reason is Justin.  Justin and myself.  Of course work does play a big part in this whole mess too.  But I want the best for Mikey and for Gus.  Neither one of them can thrive if I’m there hovering around in the background.  I will always be counted on to fix one problem or the next, when they have to learn to deal with things themselves.  That’s what I have to do. 

For the first time in my life, I’m not being totally selfish.  Yeah, in a way I am… I’m making this move mainly for myself, because I want to make things work out between Justin and I.  I know I can’t trust myself without him near.  I know this.  If things had stayed the way they were… I would have lost him.  There is no doubt in my mind.  I can make all the declarations in the world to him, make all the promises in the world, but in the end it wouldn’t have mattered.  I would have fucked up. 

But being here, with him close by – now that’s how I know I can make it.  I can look him in the eye and see what he’s saying, what he’s feeling.  I don’t need to guess if he’s interested in anyone else… I don’t need to think about the stupid shit like time zones.  I can concentrate on the good things – the right things.  We can take the walks on the beach, and just fuck around in the loft.  That’s what it’s all about.  I realize that shit now. 

Okay so I’m a little behind the curve, I know.  I’m thirty **cough** years old and I’m finally growing up.  So, call me slow when it comes to love, but at least I realized it before it was too late.  At least I realized that I needed Justin – WANTED Justin in my life before he walked out of it for good.  I think I did pretty good on that aspect. 

So anyway, it’s a couple of days here, then back to glorious Pittsburgh to put the finishing touches on things there.  By Christmas time, I’ll be here full time, and nothing’s going to hold me back.  I’ll ask Lindsey and Mel if Gus can come out here a couple of times, and I’ll still be a part of their lives.  I’m not leaving them… just changing locations.  Making a life for myself instead of living everyone else’s. 

Hey… I think it’s about fucking time don’t you? 

* * * * * * * 

** Semper paratus **   
_Always prepared_

This Chapter 24 in the "EXPERIENTIA DOCET" series.   
Narrated by: Justin Taylor Featuring Brian Kinney, and others   
Series Rated NC-17 and contains no warnings or spoilers.   
Summary: November 2003.  It’s Thanksgiving weekend with the boys.   
Disclaimer: no profit made… The Boys are not mine. No matter how much I’d love to have them… 

* * * * * * *

I walk out of the small café where the interview was being held, and I feel completely exhausted.  I knew what my life would consist of being an actor, but the reality of it is overwhelming.  My life becomes an open book – every little thing that I have done, or dream of doing lays bear before the entire world.  There is no privacy.  The scary thing is, it will get worse – especially with the TV shows, and going to Angel next season, and the film premiere in two weeks… ohhh and let’s not forget the movie they want me to do next year.  Fuck me! 

I know that Brian said that he doesn’t mind it, that he wants to be there for me… with me – but the reality of things will be something totally different.  We will see if he can actually handle it.  This is not really something that I would wish upon anyone.  If anything will destroy us for good, it’s all the shit that we both will have to deal with because I’m a ‘star’.  But who knows, maybe we all will be surprised. 

I do need, however, to check with Eric about taking some time off during the summer.  I know I’ll need a break, and I think it would be a great time for Brian and me to get away from everything.  That is if we’re still together.  I have no idea where we could go, but just the thought of getting out of LA will be worth it. 

I get into the car – hating the fact that I couldn’t take the bike – and just sit there and take a deep breath.  I hate interviews.  All the damn questions about my personal life, and questions about what this is like, what that is like.  Oh and let’s not forget the fact that I’m gay.  That’s the thing that is the worst.  They asked about the bashing, they asked about what my family thinks about me being both an actor and gay… they asked all sorts of questions, not many of them actually dealing with anything I’m doing.  Okay, so there was maybe a couple dealing with the premiere but not many. 

Let’s not forget the ever present question – do you have a boyfriend?  That I think was the hardest one to answer.  Yes, Brian and I are giving it a shot… but do we consider ourselves boyfriends?  Are we partners?  What are we?  We never really discussed that.  Yeah, we both agreed that we were together, but in what form and fashion, I have no idea.  So I answered the only way I knew how… I told them that I want to keep my personal life out of it for now.  I told them that the moment we were ready – if the time ever came – I would let them know. 

How else could I have answered it? 

I park the car in the underground garage, and make my way up to the loft.  I just feel drained that I am completely dreading having to spend all damn day getting everything ready for Thanksgiving dinner.  Now I could easily just say fuck it and order something in… but this is Brian and my first Thanksgiving together and I want to make it special.  Who knows if and when we would be able to do this again?  I want to have everything perfect. 

As I open the door I throw my coat in the chair and walk over to Brian standing in the kitchen.  I wrap my arms around his waist and lean my head between his shoulder blades.  “Hard day, honey?” Brian jokingly asks me. 

“Shut up.” I say, not moving from my spot.  I’m too comfortable, that I don’t ever want to leave.  “Do you have any idea how much I HATE doing interviews?” 

Brian laughs slightly and pulls on my hands to loosen their hold.  He turns around so he can wrap his own arms around me, pulling me close to his chest.  “That bad, huh?  I would think that actors like interviews.  If for nothing else then to set the record straight… so to speak.” 

“Yeah, I’m sure for some that’s true.” I tell him looking up at him.  “But do you have any idea what it’s like for an ‘out’ actor?  Didn’t you know that being gay is ‘in’?” I asked him with a small smile on my face. 

“Scary… very fucking scary.” He laughs.  “After all this time it’s finally cool to be gay.” 

I just shake my head.  He’s right.  It seems like almost everywhere you turn now days there’s something dealing with being gay out there.  Gay dating shows, Gay design shows, Gay sitcoms.  It’s fucking crazy.  I don’t know when this trend started, but it’s everywhere.  I think that’s part of the reason why everyone is jumping at the chance to interview an actual gay actor.  I wonder if it’s like this for all of the out actors. 

Granted being ‘in’ still doesn’t make it easy for people to get jobs.  I still have some actors or actresses who refuse to work with me.  I think they believe that if they get too close to me they will get the ‘gay’ cooties or some shit.  If they drink the same water I do then they will become gay.  Stupid, I know but it’s true. 

“So what’s left to do?” I ask him looking over his shoulder at the counter. 

Brian removes his arms from around me, and looks down at the food bowls.  “I have no idea what you have planned, but everything that you had listed for me to do, is finished.  I even got the turkey out to defrost.” He tells me with a smile.  I want to pat him on the head and tell him he’s a good boy, but I know he’ll kill me if I do.  “Don’t even think about it.” He threatens reading my mind. 

I just look at him and stick out my tongue.  “You’re no fun.” 

“Oh I’m lots of fun…you of all people should know that.” He states raising his eyebrow.  I’m not even going to grace that with an answer.  He’s conceited enough, he doesn’t need me to add to it.  I know that because of his past, and his job he has learned to be … what’s the word?  Confident?  Whatever you want to call it, he’s it.  He knows what he wants, and for the most part what he needs to do to get it.  I admire him for that. 

Of course it does get a little much at times.  But that’s why I love him.  I don’t know if I could be with someone if the person was unsure of themselves.  Maybe that’s why I haven’t really ever been in a relationship. 

“Yes, I do that… at least in some ways you are fun.  You have your uses.” I joke.  Quickly I race up to the bathroom, barely dodging his hand that was about to strike. 

* * * * * * *

I wake up early… too damn early – even for me – and start cooking the dinner.  When Brian finally drags his ass out of bed, I have everything already started and am sitting at the computer checking my e-mail.  I know I should call home sometime today to talk to my mom, but I’m not sure that I really want to do that in all honesty.  I know I will eventually break down and make the call, but I have to choose the right time.  The last thing I want to do is call when the rest of the family is there.  Molly needs her own phone line, that way I can talk to her and completely avoid the rest of the family. 

Mean, I know but I don’t care. 

“Morning.” I say to Brian as he comes up and lightly kisses me on the top of the head.  He has a coffee cup in one hand, and the morning paper in his other.  I’ve figured out that this is a normal morning for him, Brian’s morning routine.  I wish mine was that calm and simple.  No… not me.  I wake up LONG before the sun even rises, race through the loft getting ready, drive to the studio… then do whatever the fuck they have planned for me.  No, my mornings are not relaxing at all.  Especially considering I’m already hard at work before 6 a.m. almost every morning.  Hell, Brian isn’t even up most of the time that early. 

“Have you called your mommy?” He asks as he makes his way over to the couch. 

“No.  Have you called Gus?” I ask back. 

I almost laugh at the look he’s giving me.  You know the one that’s telling me that I’m completely crazy and I should know better.  “I just fucking woke up, Justin.  So no, I haven’t called Gus yet.  Not that he would know the difference even if I did.” 

I know that Brian has a hard time with his relationship with his son.  He obviously loves his son, and wants to be there for him all the time.  But… he thinks that he is not good enough, that he wouldn’t make a good father.  He feels that Gus is better off not knowing him.  I think it’s a load of crap, but it’s just one more thing that we’re going to have to work on. 

Personally, I think that the way his so-called friends see him, and Melanie are keeping him from being what he wants to be to his son.  Well that and his own belief that he’s just like his own father.  The Kinney curse, he refers to it as.  Kinney men are not made to be fathers.  What a load of crap if I ever heard it before. 

I’ve seen him with Gus, and he’s perfect.  Even a blind man could see how much he loves his son.  I just wish that he could see it.  Brian would die for Gus.  I can only hope that our time together we can work on that – I can help his relationship with his son strengthen. 

I walk over to the couch, move the paper from his hands, and sit down on his lap with my legs on either side of his.  “Brian.” I sigh.  “Gus would know, and I’m sure that he would LOVE to hear from his daddy today.”  Brian looks away, it’s going to take a lot of work to get him to where he actually believes he’s a good father.  “Brian, you should call.  I’m sure he’s already up, and if you call now then you can most likely avoid all the others who would be there.” 

“Fine.” He quietly agreed.  “Get off me so I can call me son.” He added.  He’s making a big play at this, acting like he doesn’t want to really do it.  Yeah, I’m forcing him to talk to his son.  What a load of crap.  The sad thing is that some people would actually buy his little act.  And he calls me a drama princess. 

I get off of him and walk toward the kitchen to check on the food, giving him the privacy he needs to make the call.  I swear he is by far the biggest drama queen I know.  He is always making a big issue out of showing what he feels.  He always thinks he’s not good enough for anyone, or anything.  I haven’t even known him that long and I have that figured out.  I don’t know how his friends haven’t seen it.  I wonder how they can even call themselves friends. 

Maybe this move would be good for him.  He can start fresh, with a whole new set of friends – people who actually will WANT to know him.  The REAL him.  I’m not saying that he needs to completely sever his ties with everyone back in Pittsburgh, but he needs to definitely get away from their bullshit.  Their accusations, their ‘fix something’ attitude.  In the short time I was there, and what I had heard from Blake, everyone expects Brian to fix everything.  They all will blame Brian if something in their own damn lives is fucked up.  How can someone live like that? 

I swear to myself that I will not play that same game with Brian.  I don’t expect him to fix everything.  All I expect him to do is talk to me – let me be a part of his life.  I want to be there for the ups and the downs.  I want to share all of that and more with him.  That’s what I want, and I think he wants that too. 

I feel Brian’s arms snake around my waist, and I lean back into him.  “What do you think you’re doing?” I ask him as I feel his lips on my neck, his tongue gliding across my skin. 

“If you don’t know that, Sunshine… then I sure as hell has done something wrong.” I close my eyes, letting the feelings seep into me.  He can find more ways to just drive me crazy, make me feel totally alive, that anyone else I have ever known.  I don’t think I will ever get bored with him… I don’t know if that would be possible.  I sure as hell don’t want to find out.  “Want to play, little boy?” He breathes against my ear as I feel his hand glide across my chest. 

I laugh slightly, as I grip his hands and pull them away from me.  “It’ll have to be after dinner, since I don’t want to eat burnt food.”  Brian leaned his head on my shoulder in a perfect rendition of utter defeat.  I swear he should be an actor himself.  “Brian.” I laugh.  “You’ll just have to control yourself.  We can have desert AFTER we eat.” 

“Fuck!” He exclaims.  “You’re killing me, you know that right?” 

I can only laugh and shake my head as he makes his way back to the couch and dramatically throws himself onto it. 

What can I say?  I love the shit – drama moments and all. 

* * * * * * *

“Not bad.” Brian says with a wink as he pushes his plate into the center of the table.  I smile at him, grateful that my first real Thanksgiving turned out well.  So I never really have done this before.  This was the first time I cooked a turkey without someone – namely my mom – there to watch over my shoulder.  So it thrills me that it turned out okay. 

Granted I never want to do this again.  Something about pulling all that crap out of the turkey… it’s too gross for words. 

“I was thinking.” I began as I sat back in my chair.  I’m so full that I feel like my stomach is going to explode at anytime.  I don’t think I can eat another meal for a week.  Brian raises an eyebrow, and looks at me.  I see the gleam in his eye, and I want to tell him that if he thinks he’s going to get THAT right now… he’s got another thing coming.  “Not that… that’s for later.” 

“Now who’s not any fun?” 

“Brian, I’d most likely puke all over you.” I tell him with a small smirk.  “Somehow I don’t think you’d like that at all.  Desert will come, you have to be patient.” I inform him.  Of course I wouldn’t mind doing that right now… if only my stomach would cooperate.  Hell, if I could just stay in bed with him all weekend, all my life, I would be one happy little boy.  But that will never happen, so I’ll just settle for what I can have, when I can.  I know I’ll make him very happy, and I’ll make it all up to him. 

“So what were you thinking?” He asks as he picks up our plates and takes them into the kitchen. 

I grab the wine glasses and follow closely behind him.  “I was thinking about taking some time off during the summer.  You know go somewhere… if you’re available, you know… I was thinking we could get away.” 

Brian rinses off the plates and sets them in the dishwasher.  “Where were you thinking about going?” 

“I don’t know.  I’m sure we could figure it out.” I tell him.  “So you think you could get some time off?  It’s a long ways away, and I’m not even sure how much time I will be able to take in between everything, but…” 

Brian turns around and takes the glasses out of my hands.  Filling them, he hands mine back to me and walks out toward the living room.  I hate it when he does this sort of thing.  He has done it to me so many times since I’ve known him and it always irritates the hell out of me.  The wait game.  I ask him something and he drags his answer out.  He is such a shit at times… but at least he’s my shit. 

As I move over toward him, he pats the couch beside him.  Sitting down next to him I turn slightly so that I’m facing him.  “I don’t see why I couldn’t.” He tells me.  See what I mean… a shit.  Like he couldn’t have just told me that instead of dragging it out.  “Where?” 

“I don’t know.  I haven’t thought that far ahead.  All I know is I need a break.” I tell him.  I really do need a break.  I feel at times like I’m going to go totally crazy.  My current schedule is killing me – the long hours, and now the constant travel.  I don’t know how people can handle it for long periods of time.  Of course for me, things are a little different.  I can’t handle all the people around.  Yeah, in the studio it’s not too bad cause I already know everyone.  I know that there won’t be a large number of people around.  It’s these damn public appearances that are really driving me crazy. 

Just look at what happened in New York.  I almost went into a full blown panic attack when that guy came across the table.  I told Joss after that, that I was basically done doing those.  Unless they could guarantee that it wouldn’t happen again, that security would be better than that shit, then I was done.  I wasn’t going to put myself in that position again. 

Luckily he was agreeable, and will make sure that it won’t happen again. 

I watch Brian as he sets his glass down on the table, reaching over to take my hand in his own.  I feel myself being drawn closer to him, and I don’t fight it.  Hell, how can I?  How can I fight what I feel for him?  I’ve done enough of that – I won’t do that again.  I can’t.  “Just the two of us… no one else?” He asks as he takes my glass and sets it down beside his.  I can only nod… speech is beyond me right now.  All I can think, all I can feel is him.  I love this feeling. 

Brian places his hands on either side of my face, pulling me closer to him until his mouth descends on mine.  I part my lips and let his tongue enter.  Already, I know I’m lost.  But it’s a good loss… the best kind, in my opinion.  To lose yourself in someone… drop all your shields and just feel. 

This is what I have been missing in my life.  This is what I need.  Someone who just lets me be me.  Someone who doesn’t expect the world… who expects someone I’m not.  I don’t have to pretend with Brian. 

Oh yeah, I think I could get used to him living here in LA.  I KNOW I could get used to this. 

Of course, he doesn’t realize that he’s not living anywhere besides here.  Hell no.  I have what I want right here, right now.  I’m not giving this up.  Fuck that shit.  He’s mine, and I want it to stay that way. 

I want something… someone to come home to.  I want someone to help me forget all the shit after a hard day.  I want to forget my life for a while and just get lost in someone – something else. 

Yeah… I think this will work out perfectly.   
  

* * * * * * * 

** Semper Filelis **   
_Always Faithful_

This Chapter 25 in the "EXPERIENTIA DOCET" series.   
Narrated by: Brian Kinney Featuring Justin Taylor, Michael Novotny, Cynthia Morgan, Lindsey Peterson, and others   
Series Rated NC-17 and contains no warnings or spoilers.   
Summary: December 2003.  Brian makes final arraignments.   
Disclaimer: no profit made… The Boys are not mine. No matter how much I’d love to have them… 

* * * * * * *

Have I mentioned how much I fucking HATE the damn Pitts?  If not then let me reiterate how much I do.  Although it’s only been a week since I was in LA, it seems like a fucking eternity.  What’s that saying?  ‘Back to the grind’?  Fuck me. 

Of course, by the time I had gotten back to the loft that following Sunday night and checked my messages I saw that there were about fifty messages waiting for me, and triple the e-mails.  Almost all of them are from Mikey.  Let’s just say that by the time I walk into the office the next morning, I was about ready to kill.  I could only hope to God that Cynthia has everything set up for this move.  I was glad that she was there, since I knew that I wouldn’t have been able to do shit. 

By the time I walked into the office on Tuesday morning, she had set up everything with the realtor, transferred all my accounts over to the LA office, so on and so forth.  I’ve had people tell me that what I offered her for this move was too much.  The thing is… I don’t think it’s enough.  She keeps me on the ball, makes sure shit gets done.  I don’t even want to think of what would happen if she wasn’t there. 

After catching up on all the shit at work, and trying to get all of my affairs in order, I was actually grateful that I only have to move once.  If I had known that it would be like this I never would’ve bothered.  I have no idea how anyone can move every couple of years. 

I hadn’t had time to really stop by and see anyone yet, and I know that some of them – okay so Mikey – is pissed, but there’s not much I can do about it.  They will just have to wait until later this week when I have some time.  There’s not much I can do about it. 

I’ve spent as much of my free time with Gus in between work shit, and packing… and whatever else.  He is what is important right now for me.  Lindsey, Mel, and I have been talking every day for the past week trying to come up with some plan – both with support and with visitation.  Of course Mel isn’t too pleased with Gus going out to LA and spending time with me, but I think that knowing that Justin will be there makes her feel a little better. 

That’s almost too frightening.  She trusts Justin – whom she never really met – more than me.  Fucking cunt. 

As soon as I step into the room, Cynthia is out of her chair following me into my office.  “I have the appointment with the realtor set up.  They will be by tomorrow in order to go over the paperwork, and close on the sale.  Also, I went and found a company who will transport your jeep to LA.  I told them we would need it there in two weeks, so they will be picking it up next Monday.”  I sit down behind my desk, and just close my eyes.  I am fucking tired, and I’m ready to be done with this shit. 

I open my eyes briefly when she pauses, and watch as she places a cup of coffee and some aspirin on my desk.  “Now, I have also set up an account at Lindsey’s bank for Gus, and talked to accounting on the direct deposit like you asked.” 

I can only nod as I start to go through all the messages that had been taken on Wednesday and the weekend.  Why anyone would call on a holiday weekend when they KNOW that no one is there, is beyond me.  I almost feel bad for the answering service people… almost. 

Mikey… Mikey… Mikey… Lindsey… fuck!  Mikey.  Okay, now this shit is getting a little much.  Cynthia leaves after giving me my schedule for the day, so I just look over the pile of messages.  My guess they are exactly the same type messages that I had at the loft.  I don’t have a lot of time to mess with things.  I want be out there completely by the 15th of December. 

“Michael Novotny is on line one.” Cynthia tells me over the speaker. 

“Fuck!  What time is the VanTronics meeting?” I ask looking over the clock and notice that I haven’t been there even an hour yet and already things are fucked up. 

“Ten.” Cynthia tells me. 

“Alright let him through.” I tell her.  “Get me the file on them.”  I wait for the connection and lean back in my chair.  I can feel the headache building already, and I just want to crawl back into bed – preferably in bed with Justin.  “Yes, Mikey.  What can I do for you?” 

“Where have you been?  I’ve been looking for you all weekend.  We were supposed to meet up at Mom’s.” Mikey whined into the phone. 

“I never said that I would be there, Mikey.  I had already told Deb that I would be gone, and wouldn’t make it.” I tell him.  It amazes me that he can forget all the shit that he was saying right before I left.  He is acting like we never had that argument, and I’m not ready to let that go.  I can’t believe that he was telling me that I was throwing away our friendship.  What a bunch of bullshit, but he won’t believe me.  “Is there anything important that you needed to talk to me about?  Anyone dead?” 

“No, but…” 

“But what?  I have a lot of shit to do, Mikey so if you don’t mind…” I begin wanting to get this over with so that I can get back to work.  “Look, Mikey, I’m really busy right now, so unless someone is dying, or in the hospital we can talk about this later.” 

“When?  You’re always busy, or never around.  We haven’t spent any time together.” Mikey whined. 

“Listen, I don’t have time to fuck around here.  I have exactly five days to get this shit done, and be gone.  Either live with it or not… I don’t care.” I tell him.  It’s harsh, I know – but I’m tried of fucking around.  There’s entirely too much to do and not enough time to do it in.  I run my hands through my hair and take a deep breath.  “Mikey, look… I don’t have time right now.  We’ll hang out later this week, I promise.  How’s that sound?” 

“Brian?” Mikey began, and I could almost feel the pain behind my eyes increase.  I can almost hear the whine starting, and I really don’t want to deal with his insecurities.  I really don’t.  If Mikey can’t handle me moving, then I’m sorry.  I have to start looking out for myself, and I can’t be here to hold his hand all the time. 

I take a deep breath, and let it out slowly.  I just hate that he’s so needy.  I mean, he has a lot of people in his life that will be there for him.  I don’t have to be around 24/7.  “Mikey… I have to go.  I have a meeting in ten minutes.  I’ll call you tonight, and we’ll meet up at Woody’s or somewhere.” I tell him and hang up.  I really don’t want to deal with that right now. 

The really sad thing is that I used to relish in that shit.  I used to take a great deal of pleasure in his neediness.  I used to want it… want him to need me and only me.  If I knew back then what I do now… I would have done things differently.  Now when I want to move on, he’s still trying to hang on.  I don’t know what to do in this case.  I really don’t. 

Mikey’s been there for me when I needed him.  He’s always been there.  Now, I’m planning on leaving and he’s trying to hold on.  The only problem – okay one of the main problems – is that he wants to hang on to the past.  Mikey isn’t ready to fully grow up, and I know I can’t stay here.  I know if I stay here, I’ll lose myself – there is no doubt in my mind about that.  No doubt at all. 

I guess I’ll have to think of something – come up with some way to ease his fears.  I owe him that much… hell I owe him a lot.  I just can’t put my life on hold for him. 

* * * * * * *

After the damn day I’ve had so far this morning, I walk back into my office feeling like I need a blast of sanity.  Between Mikey, and the accounts – fuck!  Everything –  I need someone who actually thinks that my ideas, my fucking existence is worth something.  “Hold all calls, all shit for the next fucking hour.” I tell Cynthia as I walk in and slam the door to my office closed. 

Sitting behind my desk, I pick up the phone and dial the number I know by heart.  “Hello,” I hear the voice ask. 

“Sleeping in?” I ask with a small smile on my face.  “You don’t have to be anywhere so you actually sleep in until nine?  I’m ashamed.” 

“Fuck off.” Justin laughs slightly.  “It’s not often I can do this, so I’m going to take what I can get, when I can.  It’s not like you let me get much sleep while you were here.  So I have to make up for the time lost.” 

“Oh, so I’m to blame?” I ask. 

“Yep.” 

“How the hell do you figure that?”  I know the answer to that question, but I want to see what he comes up with.  Have I mentioned how much I love our verbal sparing? 

“Well, I do believe it was YOU who kept waking my ass up in the middle of the night.  I do believe that it was YOU who wanted to go shopping at god awful hours of the day.  Need I continue?” He asks now fully awake. 

Oh I remember exactly what I did to make the most of our long weekend.  It was most definitely enjoyable, for the both of us.  So I know he’s not pissed about it.  “But you loved it, Sunshine.” I tell him. 

“Yeah, well.” He reluctantly agrees.  Like I believe that.  “So what’s up?” 

“You evidentially.” I tell him.  I can almost see him roll his eyes at me and shake his head.  “Just thought I’d talk to someone who actually has an IQ over 100.” I say. 

“That bad, huh?” He asks. 

“You don’t know the half of it.” 

I hear Justin let out a sigh, and just hearing that sound makes me wish I was there.  Fuck, what this kid does to me.  “How’s the move going?  Everything okay with that?” 

I like how he’s trying to figure out where my head is at without making a big fuss out of things.  He doesn’t skirt around the issue, just dives right in and gets to the bottom of things.  I admire that.  It’s so different than what I’m used to, and it’s something that I wished the gang here would do.  “Not bad, actually.  I have a buyer for the loft, and the closing is tomorrow.  The moving company is set up… accounts are being transferred.  Things are going pretty good with all of that.  No need to worry.” 

“Lindsey?  Is she giving you a fit about leaving Gus?  You said she was okay with it, and that things were working out there.” Justin asks. 

“Lindsey isn’t the problem.” I tell him.  I know that he is worried that this move will be hard on me and on Gus.  I know that he wants me to have a good relationship with Gus, and he won’t let me be a dead-beat dad.  I guess it’s because both of us had such shitty relationships with our own fathers, that makes him want what’s best for Gus.  I don’t know.  At least he’s trying to make me NOT regret being away from my kid – even though I have no rights. 

“Then what’s wrong?” He asks, bringing me out of my thoughts.  “No, let me guess.  Michael.”  I don’t say anything, just let him take that as silence.  “Brian,” he breathes.  “You can’t run your life around Michael.  You have to do what’s right for you, and not what Michael wants you to do.  If this move is what you need to do, then you need to do it.  If you stay around there and not do this… not do what you want to do, you’ll resent him.  You’ll hate him for keeping you from doing what you want.  Is that what you want?  Do you think that’s what he really wants?” 

“No,” I tell him. 

“Then he’ll have to live with your choices.  He’ll have to live with this, because no one should stop you from doing what you want.”  I hear Justin move around, and can’t help but feel better.  He’s right, I know that.  It still doesn’t make it any harder, but at least I do feel better about it.  “You’re job has always been important to you.  You told me that it’s what kept you going for a long time… it matters to you.  It’s, in effect, who you are.  If he’s your friend, and if you’re to remain friends – he will just have to accept it.  You can’t put your life on hold for him.” 

“I know.  I just don’t understand what his problem is.” 

“Talk to him.  Get it worked out.  You won’t be happy unless you do.” And that folks is why I am with him.  No holding back.  He knows me, even though we’ve known each other a short time.  He knows me better than Mikey. 

I should be scared, but somehow I find it relaxing.  That’s what I need.  That’s what I want.   
  

* * * * * * *

I walk into the Muncher’s house, and pick up Gus.  Lindsey smiles and I follow her into the kitchen.  “How’s the move going?” She asks me. 

I only shrug and kiss my son’s head lightly.  “It’s going.  The closing on the loft will be tomorrow, the moving company will be there Saturday.  By Sunday, I’m gone.” I tell her.  I try not to sound too thrilled about, but it’s hard not to.  I can’t wait to be out of this hell hole of a city, and basically start fresh. 

Cause starting fresh is basically what I’ll be doing.  New place, new friends… whole new existence.  “Are you moving in with Justin?” She asks with a smile. 

“If everything works out the way I have it planned… yes.”  I make my way over to one of the chairs and sit down with Gus on my lap.  “We shall see.” 

“I still can’t believe you’re actually moving out there.  I mean, I remember you talking about gong to New York, but LA?” She asked sitting down next to me, placing a cup of coffee on the table for me.  “I’m proud of you, Brian.” 

I look up at her with a raised eyebrow.  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” 

“Don’t play with me, Brian.  I know you well enough to know that this move has very little to actually do with work.  You’ve changed.  You’ve finally grown up.” Lindsey states.  I want to deny her… if for nothing else then she’s making me sound like a fucking saint. 

I shake my head and take a drink of my coffee.  “You know I’m a selfish bastard, Linds.  No one would believe you.  I’m going out there because of business.  Nothing more, nothing less.” 

Lindsey laughs at me.  She fucking laughs!  “You can tell that to Michael, and the others, but I know you, Brian.  I have seen the changes.  You’ve changed and it’s a good thing.  Don’t let what everyone thinks stop you from doing what you need to do.” Lindsey leans forward a little and fixes something on Gus’ shirt, then lifts her eyes to me.  “If you want to be with Justin… if that’s where you feel you need to be, then I’m happy for you.  You can lie to me all you want to, Brian.  But I know the truth.” 

“And the truth is?” I ask her. 

“You love Justin.” 

“I don’t…” 

“Don’t lie to me, Brian.” Lindsey interrupts.  “You love Gus.  You love me.  You love everyone here.  You can’t deny that.” 

I shake my head again.  “This is different.” 

“Yes it is.” She says with a smile.  Fuck… I fell right into that one.  “You are in love with Justin.  I can see it, and I’m happy for you.”  Lindsey puts her hand on my arm and leans in to kiss me on the cheek.  I only roll my eyes.  I really hate all of this lovey dovey shit.  It makes my dick soft.  “Oh stop that.” She laughs lightly hitting me on the arm. 

“What?” I ask.  I glance down at the table, cause frankly I just can’t look her in the eye.  She’s right.  I do love Justin… and I can at least say to myself that I am in love with him.  However, hearing it from someone else still makes me uncomfortable.  I guess I still have a long ways to go before I can fully get past the persona that I’ve built around myself all my life.  “Now if I can just get Mikey off my fucking back.” I tell her honestly. 

“What’s wrong with Michael?  I would think he’d be happy for you.” 

“Evidentially, you don’t know Mikey all that well, Linds.” I say.  “What hasn’t he said, is the better question.” 

Lindsey stands and moves behind me.  I can feel her arms go around my neck, and I feel strangely comforted.  “Brian?  You need to do what’s right for you.  If Michael can’t accept that, it’s not your problem.  He has to understand that you’re not fifteen anymore.  If he can’t, then that’s his problem.  I think that it’s better for everyone if you go.” 

I turn around slightly to look into her eyes.  “What do you mean?  Trying to get rid of me?” 

“Stop.  I’m just saying that we all depend on you… maybe a little too much.  Maybe it’s time that we don’t have that safety net.  With you out there, then we won’t have the chance to come to you to fix things.  That’s all I’m saying.  No matter what, though.  I’m there for you.” She explains. 

I can’t deny that.  I do have a tendency to help them out whenever they come to me.  It doesn’t matter who they are, if I can do something I will.  That’s just me.  I wonder if she’s right, though.  Have I been holding them all back?  Has my helping them made things worse?  I don’t know really, and truthfully, I’m scared of the answer. 

The last thing I ever want to think about is doing something to hurt them – any of them.  They have all been there for me… in one form or another  -- some more than others, but I have helped them all out if they needed it.  I just hate to think that I’m causing more harm than good.  That I’ve been wrong this whole time. 

Maybe Linds is right.  Maybe it’s better for everyone.  I don’t know, really.  I guess only time will tell.  That’s all I can do.  It’s not like I can just turn around and not move. 

No.  The move is happening.  We’ll just have to see how everyone fairs in the end.   
    
  

* * * * * * * 

Novus ordo seclorum   
_A new order of the ages_

This Chapter 27 in the "EXPERIENTIA DOCET" series.   
Narrated by: Justin Taylor and Brian Kinney   
Series Rated NC-17 and contains no warnings or spoilers.   
Summary: December 2003.   
Disclaimer: no profit made… The Boys are not mine. No matter how much I’d love to have them… 

* * * * * * *

I met Brian at the airport, and I could see the exhaustion just radiating off of him.  I really don’t know what happened those last couple of days while he was in Pittsburgh, but I can see that it took a lot out of him.  I want to tell him that I understand, that he’s making the right decision – but I know that I can’t do that.  It’s not up to me to decide if it’s the right thing for him… only he can decide that. 

I know that he was having problems with Michael, and I wish that there is something I can do to fix it.  I know that Michael doesn’t like me, and I can only guess at the real reason.  I mean it’s not like I spent a whole lot of time with him, so I can only guess.  Of course, I think that I am right.  I think that Michael loves Brian, fantasizes about Brian and him together.  But of course I don’t have much to go on. 

I just hate that Brian has to be stuck in the middle of it.  Personally, I don’t care if he spends time with Michael.  I don’t care if he spends a lot of time with Michael.  I mean, life with me won’t be easy and Brian will need all the support he can get.  So my whole thinking is, if he needs Michael then he should be with Michael.  They have a history which Brian and I don’t. 

I still haven’t brought up the whole living arraignments to him yet.  I know, it’s bad… but how do I go about asking him to move in with me completely.  We haven’t known each other that long.  What if it’s a huge mistake and what friendship that we have is destroyed?  I don’t want to lose him completely. 

Go ahead and say it… I’m a chicken.  I’m scared.  Totally and absolutely scared. 

Anyway, we get back to the loft, and I make us both a drink.  Brian’s sitting on the couch, hand over his eyes, head back – totally and completely exhausted.  I walk over to him and sit down on his lap with my legs on either side of him.  “Tired?” I ask.  Yeah, I know… stupid question. 

Brian nods and slowly opening his eyes.  “You don’t know the half of it.” He said as he began to move his arms around my waist, pulling me closer to him.  God the feeling of our bodies being so connected, even through the clothes, sends my heart into overdrive. 

I lean in and kiss him lightly on the lips, just running my tongue over him.  “Want to talk about it?” I ask him, leaning in to lay my head on his shoulder. 

“About what?” He asked, even though he knows what I’m talking about.  He’s not that stupid.  I pinch him lightly and I feel the laughter just under the surface.  “There’s nothing really to talk about.  Everything is done there… everyone was seen, not much else to say.  It’s done, it’s over.  Time to move on.” 

I lean back so I can look him in the eye.  I know that’s not all, and I want him to feel he can open up to me.  “Lindsey and Mel will let you see Gus, won’t they?” I ask, trying to go through the list of things I know would bother him. 

“They said I would.  Gus is still going to be here for Christmas.  Linds even offered to bring him herself.” Brian tells me as his hands begin to lift my shirt out of my pants.  I can feel his warm hands gliding across my back, and it’s hard to even think of anything other than the heat that is rising within me. 

I have to take a deep breath in order to try and calm myself.  “And Michael?” I ask.  I can see the pain in his eyes flash quickly before that mask of indifference appears.  “What happened?  Everything is all right with you two, isn’t it?” 

Brian’s hands stilled on my back, and he leaned his head back against the cushions.  “Mikey will come around.  He’s not real happy with me right now, but he’ll come around.” 

“What happened?” I asked.  “No, don’t answer that… I can guess.  He’s not happy that you’re living here, is he?”  I can see the denial in Brian’s eyes, but I also know he can’t deny it either.  “I know he doesn’t like me, Brian.  It doesn’t take a brain surgeon to know that.  I just wish that there was something I could do.” 

“Mikey will come around.  He just has to see that I’m not abandoning him.  He needs to see that this won’t change our friendship.” Brian explained.  I feel bad for him, and I hate that I’m the cause – at least in part – for their friendship being on the rocks.  But I can’t – I WON’T – let this slip away because of Michael.  “Don’t you worry your pretty blond head about it.  Mikey and I go through these moments, and we always come out of it in tact.” He said. 

I nod and lean back into him.  I know that I will try not to worry, but I hate to see the pain in Brian’s eyes.  I don’t want him to suffer because things aren’t well between him and Michael.  I don’t know what I can do, but I want to try something.  I guess time will tell what happens. 

* * * * * * *

If someone had told me before I moved all this shit out here that it would be THIS big of a mess, then I may have waited.  I feel like I have fucking walked into the damn twilight zone surrounded by hundreds of idiot twins like Brad and Bob… whatever their fucking names were.  I don’t have a moment’s rest. 

Fuck me.  When all I want to do is go back to the loft and get settled… talk to Justin about our living arraignments, about other shit – I’m stuck here fixing thousands of fuck-ups that have occurred. 

Who the hell ran this damn office before I got here?  What the hell did they do? 

Fuck me. 

Now, the thing I would rather be doing is sitting at the loft right now… God!  I wonder at times what I did to deserve him.  What have I done to deserve someone like him?  I know I’m not really a prize – not with all the demons that I have lurking beneath the surface – but I try.  I have to. 

For the first time in my life, I feel complete.  I feel like I’m actually worth something.  Now that’s saying something.  I mean, someone as old as I am feeling secure with myself for the first time… it’s something, that’s for sure. 

What is it, though? 

Scary.  Oh yeah.  Frightening.  I don’t know what I am doing.  I don’t have things planned way a head of time.  Everything is just moving along, and I have no idea where the train will stop, or if it will just keep on moving.  I like order… I fucking enjoy knowing what is a head, what I will be facing.  But with Justin… Fuck!  I have no clue.  I’m flying by the seat of my pants, hoping I don’t do something to fuck this up. 

Liberating?  Yeah.  I feel – for the one of the few times in my life – like I am not under the shadow of my past.  Both Justin and I have things in our past that are shitty… that’s life.  We’re not letting it tear us apart.  No matter what I have done in my life – the job, Gus, school, my whole fucking life – I have, at least in a way, done it in spite of my past.  In spite of my whole damn family.  What would the Warden think about the way I lived my life?  Hell, the number of Hail Mary’s that I would get when and if she ever finds out I’m gay alone will have the church in service for centuries.  And Jack?  What a fucking piece of work he was…  I won’t be like him.  I can’t let myself. 

Gus… Well, he’s my future.  I never thought I would give a damn about that kid.  I wasn’t going to me my old man – in a marriage that I didn’t want, with kids.  No, I was going to be someone – something – different.  That was me.  But now… well now I want to do right by Gus.  I love that kid… my son.  My life. 

Justin.  He’s my salvation, I guess you could say.  I should be pissed that he’s ‘making’ me give up who I was.  But I know – cursing myself every damn day for my big mouth and yes… jealousy – I know that it was MY idea.  It was my idea to be exclusive.  It was my idea to move to LA. 

Everyone back in Pitts seems to think that this was all Justin’s doing.  That he is making me do this… that he’s the reason behind this.  I guess I’m really an ass for letting them continue to think that. 

But the thing is… who would believe me if I told them that if I stayed there I would drown.  If I had stayed in the Pitts… I wouldn’t have made it much longer.  I was spiraling out of control, and there was no way out of it.  Justin saved me. 

I can only hope to keep him around.  I can only hope to accept the changes he makes me make.  The changes that I’m willing to make for – not only him, and not only us… mainly for me.  I want the changes for me. 

* * * * * * *

What is a man supposed to do?  What should I do?  It’s been almost a week since Brian moved to LA and we still haven’t talked about things we really should talk about.  Yeah, I know.  If we don’t talk about it, how will we ever get past the hard shit?  We can’t talk about the ‘easy’ stuff, how can we survive? 

Honestly, I have no fucking clue.  I’m kind of playing this whole thing by ear.  One minute at a time. 

There’s a small part of me that is still doubting him, still wondering if there is anything else he is hiding from me.  He says that there isn’t, and his whole body is telling me that, but it’s still hard not to doubt him.  Am I making any sense?  I want to believe him.  I really do… I guess our track record on these sort of things just isn’t real good. 

Of course it’s not like I have been real truthful with him.  There are things about me, things that I have done that I haven’t told him.  Hell, I haven’t even told him really about the meeting with Hobbs… or encounter with Hobbs.  I haven’t told him about how I got to LA, how I could afford to come to LA.  I haven’t told him about my past. 

I guess there are things that should be left alone.  I don’t think that he would be happy with some of my choices, but I know that there are things about his that I don’t like.  We just have to learn to live with it. 

Brian’s been working non-stop since the day he arrived here, trying to get the office up and running.  There’s a lot of work to be done before the New Year, and he has to go over the fiscal reports… so on and so forth…  I don’t understand all that sort of talk, it’s jut not me. 

I’m happy for him though.  I really am.  He’s good at what he does, one of the best.  If I had even half of the drive that he does, I wouldn’t have to worry about where the next ‘gig’ would come from.  I have just felt lucky, I guess you could say.  Lucky that I am able to have a job.  Lucky that I have a steady job, and something for the next couple of years. 

But here’s the thing… I have something that Brian doesn’t. 

Uncertainty. 

I don’t know what I will be doing in ten years… hell, two years even.  I mean, what if Angel gets cancelled?  What if I don’t get another project after the show is done?  So many things that are hanging over my head, that I don’t know what to think half of the time.  I want to say that I’ll be alright, that everything will work out, but I can’t. 

My life is so up in arms most of the time, I don’t know what to think.  What to feel.  I have nothing besides this, I have no formal training.  If I don’t have acting, what do I have? 

See what I mean.  I have fears that I haven’t shared with Brian that I should share with him.  I haven’t told him any of this, but I know I should. 

So here’s the thing that terrifies me the worst.  If I can’t tell Brian my fears, and my past… how can we ever hope to make things work out between us in the long run? 

I don’t know.  I wish I did, but I don’t. 

Christmas… it’s just another day.  At least that’s normally what it is for me.  It’s hard to believe that it’s less than two weeks away.  Brian is trying to get Gus over here, but it seems that there are some problems.  I only hear parts of the conversations of course, but I can tell you that it is not pretty. 

Of course, with trying to get the office set up – which from what I hear is turning out to be a chore of it’s own – Brian doesn’t need his friends back in Pittsburgh to start in on him.  Hell, he’s only been here a couple of days and it seems like everything has just blown up in our faces. 

Michael hasn’t called once, and I know that Brian is upset about that.  Oh he tries to pretend that it doesn’t bother him, but I can see the strain that it’s putting him under.  Then Lindsey and Melanie are now trying to back out of having Gus here.  I don’t know some shit about how he should be surrounded by family and all that shit.  I don’t think that it’s fair.  I mean, they have him for Chanukah so why can’t they just do everything then? 

Maybe it’s something that I will never understand.  I mean, for the past couple of years, I haven’t really given a damn about Christmas or any holiday really.  Why would I?  My family is at best strained… I don’t really talk to them.  Hell, the only ones I’ve really been in contact with – well those who aren’t out to use me – have been my mother and sister.  Everyone else either wants money or just like to use my name in order to get something. 

Christ, the tabloids alone have paid for their Christmas’ these past couple of years. 

So, I had wanted this year to be different.  I wanted to experience Christmas like I had years ago before Hobbs.  I wanted to spend time with Brian’s son – get to know him.  I can only hope that we can change their minds.  Brian is really looking forward to spending the holiday with his son. 

Me… well I just want to spend it with Brian.  I want to have a nice, enjoyable Christmas.  Have something – feel something – that I haven’t had in a long time.  If Gus doesn’t show… then I’m afraid that I will have to try keep Brian from getting depressed.  No matter how much he pretends to not care, I know he loves Gus and wants to spend as much time with him as he can. 

Brian is an enigma.  A total and complete contradiction.  He says one thing, but then turns around and does something different.  His actions speak for him… his body language.  Of course there’s his eyes.  His eyes tell me everything. 

It’s amazing how quickly I was able to read him.  Granted, I lost the ability to read him there for while.  But of course he wanted me to NOT know.  He purposely set out to make sure I didn’t.  We’re still working on the whole… ‘I don’t want to tell you’ ‘It’d hurt your feelings’ Yadda, yadda, yadda… shit.  But at least we’re talking about it all.  That’s a step in the right direction, I guess. 

What’s going on with me?  Well, not much really.  Okay, the normal.  Work, interviews, preparing for the premiere… so on and so forth.  I’m trying to get used to having someone around all the time.  I think, for me, that is the biggest thing going on with me now.  I’m not used to having someone around all the time. 

See, although Blake lives with me, he’s not always around.  He has his own apartment.  Yeah, it’s connected to mine, but he has it.  When I want to be alone, he leaves… and visa versa.  This living with someone full time is strange.  Both Brian and I have some adjusting to do, since neither one of us is used to having others around. 

But I guess, besides the normal crap things are going well.  As well as they can for it being my life anyway. 

It’s strange, though, that I’m the one waiting around for someone to get out of work.  Normally it’s the other way around.  Since I don’t have anything going on during this break, I’m free to do what I want.  Well with a couple of ‘appearances’.  But Brian has a hell of a lot he has to do before the new year.  He’s at the office – I swear – sixteen hours a day plus.  I hate that we don’t have time to ourselves as much as either one of us would like, but that’s life I guess.  We can’t change who we are.  We both knew what we were getting into when this thing started. 

We have a long, hard road a head of us.  I only hope we both stay sane enough to come out of it. 

But the one thing I know – the one thing I know for certain – is that we have to talk.  We have to make sure that we are on the same page.  We will work out, no matter what.  I know he thinks that I took him back, but in reality… we took each other back.  We both are allowing each other into our lives. 

Brian steps into the loft, and I immediately walk up to him and kiss him lightly on the lips.  I breathe in his scent, and close my eyes – taking comfort in his presence, loving the feel and smell of the man that I love.  I can’t imagine what my life would be like without him, and I don’t want to know.  I’m glad that I made the effort to take him back.  “What are you thinking about?” He asks me rubbing his cheek on the top of my head. 

“How lucky I am that we’re together.” I tell him.  “That I didn’t give up, and I decided to give it another shot.”  I feel Brian’s hands move up and down my back, as he places butterfly kisses on my head.  I need to ask.  It’s something that has bothered me for a while, but have been too scared to ask. 

“Have you figured out where you’re going to be staying?” I ask him. 

I can only hold my breath and wait for his answer.  I’m completely conflicted.  One part of me wants him to stay here – never leave.  But the other part of me, as I said before, is scared to death.  Brian looks me over and I can see a small smile creep up on his face.  Don’t even ask me what it all means, cause I have no idea.  “Oh, I don’t know… I know I was kinda hoping to stay here.” He says, rolling his lips into his mouth.  He’s nervous now, and it’s evident in his whole posture. 

I lean my head back on his shoulder, hiding the huge smile that is bursting out of me.  “Really?” I ask. 

Brian shrugs.  “Yeah, well… I was thinking… you know.” 

Oh I knew alright, and I don’t know if my voice will work I’m so happy.  I raise my head off his shoulder and put my hands on the side of his face.  I lean in and press my lips against his own, parting them with my tongue.  I pull back slightly and rest my forehead against his.  “I’d be honored if you stayed.” I tell him. 

“What do you say?  Think it will work?” 

“I don’t know… but… I think I’m willing to give it a try.” I tell him. I feel the tension immediately leave his body.  He picks me up and almost literally throws me over his shoulder and walks toward the bedroom. 

I guess talking is over for the next couple of hours. 

Not that I mind… we now have a lot of time to get the particulars out of the way… to get things straightened out. 

I just lean down and put my lips to his… Talking is so overrated at times.   
  

* * * * * * * 

Novus ordo seclorum   
_A new order of the ages_

  
This Chapter 27 in the "EXPERIENTIA DOCET" series.   
Narrated by: Justin Taylor and Brian Kinney   
Series Rated NC-17 and contains no warnings or spoilers.   
Summary: December 2003.   
Disclaimer: no profit made… The Boys are not mine. No matter how much I’d love to have them… 

* * * * * * *

I met Brian at the airport, and I could see the exhaustion just radiating off of him.  I really don’t know what happened those last couple of days while he was in Pittsburgh, but I can see that it took a lot out of him.  I want to tell him that I understand, that he’s making the right decision – but I know that I can’t do that.  It’s not up to me to decide if it’s the right thing for him… only he can decide that. 

I know that he was having problems with Michael, and I wish that there is something I can do to fix it.  I know that Michael doesn’t like me, and I can only guess at the real reason.  I mean it’s not like I spent a whole lot of time with him, so I can only guess.  Of course, I think that I am right.  I think that Michael loves Brian, fantasizes about Brian and him together.  But of course I don’t have much to go on. 

I just hate that Brian has to be stuck in the middle of it.  Personally, I don’t care if he spends time with Michael.  I don’t care if he spends a lot of time with Michael.  I mean, life with me won’t be easy and Brian will need all the support he can get.  So my whole thinking is, if he needs Michael then he should be with Michael.  They have a history which Brian and I don’t. 

I still haven’t brought up the whole living arraignments to him yet.  I know, it’s bad… but how do I go about asking him to move in with me completely.  We haven’t known each other that long.  What if it’s a huge mistake and what friendship that we have is destroyed?  I don’t want to lose him completely. 

Go ahead and say it… I’m a chicken.  I’m scared.  Totally and absolutely scared. 

Anyway, we get back to the loft, and I make us both a drink.  Brian’s sitting on the couch, hand over his eyes, head back – totally and completely exhausted.  I walk over to him and sit down on his lap with my legs on either side of him.  “Tired?” I ask.  Yeah, I know… stupid question. 

Brian nods and slowly opening his eyes.  “You don’t know the half of it.” He said as he began to move his arms around my waist, pulling me closer to him.  God the feeling of our bodies being so connected, even through the clothes, sends my heart into overdrive. 

I lean in and kiss him lightly on the lips, just running my tongue over him.  “Want to talk about it?” I ask him, leaning in to lay my head on his shoulder. 

“About what?” He asked, even though he knows what I’m talking about.  He’s not that stupid.  I pinch him lightly and I feel the laughter just under the surface.  “There’s nothing really to talk about.  Everything is done there… everyone was seen, not much else to say.  It’s done, it’s over.  Time to move on.” 

I lean back so I can look him in the eye.  I know that’s not all, and I want him to feel he can open up to me.  “Lindsey and Mel will let you see Gus, won’t they?” I ask, trying to go through the list of things I know would bother him. 

“They said I would.  Gus is still going to be here for Christmas.  Linds even offered to bring him herself.” Brian tells me as his hands begin to lift my shirt out of my pants.  I can feel his warm hands gliding across my back, and it’s hard to even think of anything other than the heat that is rising within me. 

I have to take a deep breath in order to try and calm myself.  “And Michael?” I ask.  I can see the pain in his eyes flash quickly before that mask of indifference appears.  “What happened?  Everything is all right with you two, isn’t it?” 

Brian’s hands stilled on my back, and he leaned his head back against the cushions.  “Mikey will come around.  He’s not real happy with me right now, but he’ll come around.” 

“What happened?” I asked.  “No, don’t answer that… I can guess.  He’s not happy that you’re living here, is he?”  I can see the denial in Brian’s eyes, but I also know he can’t deny it either.  “I know he doesn’t like me, Brian.  It doesn’t take a brain surgeon to know that.  I just wish that there was something I could do.” 

“Mikey will come around.  He just has to see that I’m not abandoning him.  He needs to see that this won’t change our friendship.” Brian explained.  I feel bad for him, and I hate that I’m the cause – at least in part – for their friendship being on the rocks.  But I can’t – I WON’T – let this slip away because of Michael.  “Don’t you worry your pretty blond head about it.  Mikey and I go through these moments, and we always come out of it in tact.” He said. 

I nod and lean back into him.  I know that I will try not to worry, but I hate to see the pain in Brian’s eyes.  I don’t want him to suffer because things aren’t well between him and Michael.  I don’t know what I can do, but I want to try something.  I guess time will tell what happens. 

* * * * * * *

If someone had told me before I moved all this shit out here that it would be THIS big of a mess, then I may have waited.  I feel like I have fucking walked into the damn twilight zone surrounded by hundreds of idiot twins like Brad and Bob… whatever their fucking names were.  I don’t have a moment’s rest. 

Fuck me.  When all I want to do is go back to the loft and get settled… talk to Justin about our living arraignments, about other shit – I’m stuck here fixing thousands of fuck-ups that have occurred. 

Who the hell ran this damn office before I got here?  What the hell did they do? 

Fuck me. 

Now, the thing I would rather be doing is sitting at the loft right now… God!  I wonder at times what I did to deserve him.  What have I done to deserve someone like him?  I know I’m not really a prize – not with all the demons that I have lurking beneath the surface – but I try.  I have to. 

For the first time in my life, I feel complete.  I feel like I’m actually worth something.  Now that’s saying something.  I mean, someone as old as I am feeling secure with myself for the first time… it’s something, that’s for sure. 

What is it, though? 

Scary.  Oh yeah.  Frightening.  I don’t know what I am doing.  I don’t have things planned way a head of time.  Everything is just moving along, and I have no idea where the train will stop, or if it will just keep on moving.  I like order… I fucking enjoy knowing what is a head, what I will be facing.  But with Justin… Fuck!  I have no clue.  I’m flying by the seat of my pants, hoping I don’t do something to fuck this up. 

Liberating?  Yeah.  I feel – for the one of the few times in my life – like I am not under the shadow of my past.  Both Justin and I have things in our past that are shitty… that’s life.  We’re not letting it tear us apart.  No matter what I have done in my life – the job, Gus, school, my whole fucking life – I have, at least in a way, done it in spite of my past.  In spite of my whole damn family.  What would the Warden think about the way I lived my life?  Hell, the number of Hail Mary’s that I would get when and if she ever finds out I’m gay alone will have the church in service for centuries.  And Jack?  What a fucking piece of work he was…  I won’t be like him.  I can’t let myself. 

Gus… Well, he’s my future.  I never thought I would give a damn about that kid.  I wasn’t going to me my old man – in a marriage that I didn’t want, with kids.  No, I was going to be someone – something – different.  That was me.  But now… well now I want to do right by Gus.  I love that kid… my son.  My life. 

Justin.  He’s my salvation, I guess you could say.  I should be pissed that he’s ‘making’ me give up who I was.  But I know – cursing myself every damn day for my big mouth and yes… jealousy – I know that it was MY idea.  It was my idea to be exclusive.  It was my idea to move to LA. 

Everyone back in Pitts seems to think that this was all Justin’s doing.  That he is making me do this… that he’s the reason behind this.  I guess I’m really an ass for letting them continue to think that. 

But the thing is… who would believe me if I told them that if I stayed there I would drown.  If I had stayed in the Pitts… I wouldn’t have made it much longer.  I was spiraling out of control, and there was no way out of it.  Justin saved me. 

I can only hope to keep him around.  I can only hope to accept the changes he makes me make.  The changes that I’m willing to make for – not only him, and not only us… mainly for me.  I want the changes for me. 

* * * * * * *

What is a man supposed to do?  What should I do?  It’s been almost a week since Brian moved to LA and we still haven’t talked about things we really should talk about.  Yeah, I know.  If we don’t talk about it, how will we ever get past the hard shit?  We can’t talk about the ‘easy’ stuff, how can we survive? 

Honestly, I have no fucking clue.  I’m kind of playing this whole thing by ear.  One minute at a time. 

There’s a small part of me that is still doubting him, still wondering if there is anything else he is hiding from me.  He says that there isn’t, and his whole body is telling me that, but it’s still hard not to doubt him.  Am I making any sense?  I want to believe him.  I really do… I guess our track record on these sort of things just isn’t real good. 

Of course it’s not like I have been real truthful with him.  There are things about me, things that I have done that I haven’t told him.  Hell, I haven’t even told him really about the meeting with Hobbs… or encounter with Hobbs.  I haven’t told him about how I got to LA, how I could afford to come to LA.  I haven’t told him about my past. 

I guess there are things that should be left alone.  I don’t think that he would be happy with some of my choices, but I know that there are things about his that I don’t like.  We just have to learn to live with it. 

Brian’s been working non-stop since the day he arrived here, trying to get the office up and running.  There’s a lot of work to be done before the New Year, and he has to go over the fiscal reports… so on and so forth…  I don’t understand all that sort of talk, it’s jut not me. 

I’m happy for him though.  I really am.  He’s good at what he does, one of the best.  If I had even half of the drive that he does, I wouldn’t have to worry about where the next ‘gig’ would come from.  I have just felt lucky, I guess you could say.  Lucky that I am able to have a job.  Lucky that I have a steady job, and something for the next couple of years. 

But here’s the thing… I have something that Brian doesn’t. 

Uncertainty. 

I don’t know what I will be doing in ten years… hell, two years even.  I mean, what if Angel gets cancelled?  What if I don’t get another project after the show is done?  So many things that are hanging over my head, that I don’t know what to think half of the time.  I want to say that I’ll be alright, that everything will work out, but I can’t. 

My life is so up in arms most of the time, I don’t know what to think.  What to feel.  I have nothing besides this, I have no formal training.  If I don’t have acting, what do I have? 

See what I mean.  I have fears that I haven’t shared with Brian that I should share with him.  I haven’t told him any of this, but I know I should. 

So here’s the thing that terrifies me the worst.  If I can’t tell Brian my fears, and my past… how can we ever hope to make things work out between us in the long run? 

I don’t know.  I wish I did, but I don’t. 

Christmas… it’s just another day.  At least that’s normally what it is for me.  It’s hard to believe that it’s less than two weeks away.  Brian is trying to get Gus over here, but it seems that there are some problems.  I only hear parts of the conversations of course, but I can tell you that it is not pretty. 

Of course, with trying to get the office set up – which from what I hear is turning out to be a chore of it’s own – Brian doesn’t need his friends back in Pittsburgh to start in on him.  Hell, he’s only been here a couple of days and it seems like everything has just blown up in our faces. 

Michael hasn’t called once, and I know that Brian is upset about that.  Oh he tries to pretend that it doesn’t bother him, but I can see the strain that it’s putting him under.  Then Lindsey and Melanie are now trying to back out of having Gus here.  I don’t know some shit about how he should be surrounded by family and all that shit.  I don’t think that it’s fair.  I mean, they have him for Chanukah so why can’t they just do everything then? 

Maybe it’s something that I will never understand.  I mean, for the past couple of years, I haven’t really given a damn about Christmas or any holiday really.  Why would I?  My family is at best strained… I don’t really talk to them.  Hell, the only ones I’ve really been in contact with – well those who aren’t out to use me – have been my mother and sister.  Everyone else either wants money or just like to use my name in order to get something. 

Christ, the tabloids alone have paid for their Christmas’ these past couple of years. 

So, I had wanted this year to be different.  I wanted to experience Christmas like I had years ago before Hobbs.  I wanted to spend time with Brian’s son – get to know him.  I can only hope that we can change their minds.  Brian is really looking forward to spending the holiday with his son. 

Me… well I just want to spend it with Brian.  I want to have a nice, enjoyable Christmas.  Have something – feel something – that I haven’t had in a long time.  If Gus doesn’t show… then I’m afraid that I will have to try keep Brian from getting depressed.  No matter how much he pretends to not care, I know he loves Gus and wants to spend as much time with him as he can. 

Brian is an enigma.  A total and complete contradiction.  He says one thing, but then turns around and does something different.  His actions speak for him… his body language.  Of course there’s his eyes.  His eyes tell me everything. 

It’s amazing how quickly I was able to read him.  Granted, I lost the ability to read him there for while.  But of course he wanted me to NOT know.  He purposely set out to make sure I didn’t.  We’re still working on the whole… ‘I don’t want to tell you’ ‘It’d hurt your feelings’ Yadda, yadda, yadda… shit.  But at least we’re talking about it all.  That’s a step in the right direction, I guess. 

What’s going on with me?  Well, not much really.  Okay, the normal.  Work, interviews, preparing for the premiere… so on and so forth.  I’m trying to get used to having someone around all the time.  I think, for me, that is the biggest thing going on with me now.  I’m not used to having someone around all the time. 

See, although Blake lives with me, he’s not always around.  He has his own apartment.  Yeah, it’s connected to mine, but he has it.  When I want to be alone, he leaves… and visa versa.  This living with someone full time is strange.  Both Brian and I have some adjusting to do, since neither one of us is used to having others around. 

But I guess, besides the normal crap things are going well.  As well as they can for it being my life anyway. 

It’s strange, though, that I’m the one waiting around for someone to get out of work.  Normally it’s the other way around.  Since I don’t have anything going on during this break, I’m free to do what I want.  Well with a couple of ‘appearances’.  But Brian has a hell of a lot he has to do before the new year.  He’s at the office – I swear – sixteen hours a day plus.  I hate that we don’t have time to ourselves as much as either one of us would like, but that’s life I guess.  We can’t change who we are.  We both knew what we were getting into when this thing started. 

We have a long, hard road a head of us.  I only hope we both stay sane enough to come out of it. 

But the one thing I know – the one thing I know for certain – is that we have to talk.  We have to make sure that we are on the same page.  We will work out, no matter what.  I know he thinks that I took him back, but in reality… we took each other back.  We both are allowing each other into our lives. 

Brian steps into the loft, and I immediately walk up to him and kiss him lightly on the lips.  I breathe in his scent, and close my eyes – taking comfort in his presence, loving the feel and smell of the man that I love.  I can’t imagine what my life would be like without him, and I don’t want to know.  I’m glad that I made the effort to take him back.  “What are you thinking about?” He asks me rubbing his cheek on the top of my head. 

“How lucky I am that we’re together.” I tell him.  “That I didn’t give up, and I decided to give it another shot.”  I feel Brian’s hands move up and down my back, as he places butterfly kisses on my head.  I need to ask.  It’s something that has bothered me for a while, but have been too scared to ask. 

“Have you figured out where you’re going to be staying?” I ask him. 

I can only hold my breath and wait for his answer.  I’m completely conflicted.  One part of me wants him to stay here – never leave.  But the other part of me, as I said before, is scared to death.  Brian looks me over and I can see a small smile creep up on his face.  Don’t even ask me what it all means, cause I have no idea.  “Oh, I don’t know… I know I was kinda hoping to stay here.” He says, rolling his lips into his mouth.  He’s nervous now, and it’s evident in his whole posture. 

I lean my head back on his shoulder, hiding the huge smile that is bursting out of me.  “Really?” I ask. 

Brian shrugs.  “Yeah, well… I was thinking… you know.” 

Oh I knew alright, and I don’t know if my voice will work I’m so happy.  I raise my head off his shoulder and put my hands on the side of his face.  I lean in and press my lips against his own, parting them with my tongue.  I pull back slightly and rest my forehead against his.  “I’d be honored if you stayed.” I tell him. 

“What do you say?  Think it will work?” 

“I don’t know… but… I think I’m willing to give it a try.” I tell him. I feel the tension immediately leave his body.  He picks me up and almost literally throws me over his shoulder and walks toward the bedroom. 

I guess talking is over for the next couple of hours. 

Not that I mind… we now have a lot of time to get the particulars out of the way… to get things straightened out. 

I just lean down and put my lips to his… Talking is so overrated at times.   
  

* * * * * * * 

Omnia Vincit Amor   
_Love conquers all_   
    
  * * * * * * *

This Chapter 28 in the "EXPERIENTIA DOCET" series.  FINALLY!   
Narrated by: Justin Taylor and Brian Kinney Featuring the entire gang mentioned   
Series Rated NC-17 and contains no warnings or spoilers.   
Summary: December 2003.   
Disclaimer: no profit made… The Boys are not mine. No matter how much I’d love to have them… 

* * * * * * *

It’s two days until Christmas, and I can’t help but feel bad for Brian.  I know, I really shouldn’t get involved, but I just couldn’t sit around and watch as he moped around the loft.  See, he had been trying to convince Lindsey to let him have Gus for the holidays… at least be able to spend Christmas with his son, but both Lindsey and Mel have told him no.  ‘It’s too far away.’ Crap they have been spouting.  I wanted to reach for the phone and bitch them out. 

But I didn’t.  I let Brian handle it. 

Well for a while at least. 

So as I was getting ready to leave the studio where I had my last interview of the year at, I sat down on the couch in the guest room and dialed.  It’s the least I can do for all that Brian has given me.  “hello?” 

“Lindsey?  I don’t know if you remember me, but it’s Justin.  Brian’s friend?”  Okay, like she would ever be able to forget me, right?  And Brian’s friend?  Soooo I feel like I’m talking to his mother, or some other shit like that. 

“Justin.  Of course I remember you.  How are things there in LA?” She asked in her WASPy voice.  “Is everything okay?  Brian?” 

I try not to laugh, hearing her ‘concern’ for Brian all the sudden.  Especially since she won’t even let Brian see Gus.  I don’t know who it is who had decided that Gus wouldn’t be coming, but I think that it’s time for it all to come to an end.  “Well, actually that’s what I wanted to talk to you about.  I was wondering if you had thought about Gus coming to spend a couple of days with us.” 

“Justin,” she began.  I could hear the tightness in her voice… like she really doesn’t want to talk about it again.  Especially with the damn twink who took Brian away from all of them.  “I just don’t think that now is a good time.  It’s too far for him to travel, and where would he be staying?  Have either of you given any thought to that?  I mean Brian doesn’t even have a place there.” 

“Brian has a place.” I say, trying so hard not to let my anger begin to boil out of me.  “Brian and I are living together, and there’s plenty of room for Gus.  He’d have his own bed, and everything.  And if it’s money, I’ll pay for the tickets.  That would not be a problem.” 

“Justin.  You just don’t understand.  I don’t want Gus to be subjected to all of that.” 

Now the truth comes out for real.  “Subjected to what, exactly?  Brian and I?  Look, Lindsey.  Brian and I are a couple.  We will continue to be a couple for as long as we can.  We’re living together, and we plan to spend a lot of time together in the future.”  I take a deep breath, trying to calm myself.  I can just imagine what she is so up in arms about.  “If it’s the papers and stuff, you don’t have to worry about that.  You should know that Brian will do everything in his power to protect Gus, and so will I.  We won’t subject him to something like that.” 

I hear Lindsey take a deep breath on the other side, and I know that she is thinking of some excuse.  “Look, Lindsey.  I know that you hate me, you all do.  I took Brian away from all of you, and I destroyed any hope that you and Michael had of getting with Brian.” 

“That’s not…” 

“But you have to get over it.  If not for yourselves, and for Brian… do it for Gus.  Gus loves his father, and Brian loves Gus.  Brian would give his life for Gus if you asked.  So I think you should get over yourself, and let them spend just a couple of days together.  You can come yourself and make sure that we are not fucking corrupting Gus.  But get over your delusions, get over your anger and do what’s best for Gus.”  I hang up the phone and just stare at it.  I didn’t want to lose my temper with her.  I wanted to discuss this like an adult, but that flew out the window the second she thought that Brian and I would hurt Gus. 

I know that they all think that this is temporary.  They all think that Brian and I won’t last, and who knows.  I’m not a fortune teller, I don’t know how long we will last, but I do know that even if Brian and I aren’t together, we would still be friends.  I would still make Gus a part of my life.  Gus is a huge part of Brian’s life, and I won’t deny him that.  I can’t. 

I can only imagine how pissed Brian would be at my interference.  I won’t say that I’m wrong, that I didn’t do the right thing, cause I believe that I did.  He can be pissed all he wants.  All I want is for him to be happy.   
  

* * * * * * *

Who the fuck would have ever thought that I would be spending Christmas with Gus?  I sure as fuck didn’t.  I thought that Mel and Lindsey had completely crossed me off their list, cut me out of their lives.  Well except for the money they still want me to send.  So imagine my surprise when Lindsey called me and said that she was sending Gus to me for a couple of days. 

So she flew out one day, and dropped him off at my doorstep.  She couldn’t stay – only stayed a couple of days since she had to work – but she did apologize for being unreasonable.  I can only guess who was responsible for this turn around. 

Justin.  My blond-bombshell. 

Neither one of them would mention anything, just let me think that it was all Lindsey’s thinking.  But I know that it’s all fake.  Justin was the one who had somehow talked Lindz into letting Gus come.  I don’t know how he did it, but I’m grateful. 

So anyway, Lindsey and Gus stayed for three days before heading back to Pitts, but it was the best three days that I had ever had in a long time.  I finally had a family.  I had people who cared about me, who would go to bat for me.  I wish Gus could have stayed longer, but Lindz did promise me that she would let him come out again during the summer.  I told her that I would be there for Easter. 

I never thought that I would have to set up a visitation schedule to see my son.  But then again, I’ve been doing a lot of things lately that I never thought I would have been doing. 

Just being here in LA is one of those things.  I had always wanted to get the fuck out of Pittsburgh, but never had the chance.  Or the reason.  But here I am. 

I can honestly say that since meeting Justin, my life has turned around.  It’s hard to imagine what my life was like without him in it.  Before I met him, I was feeling down.  Feeling like my life was going nowhere.  But then he walked in and told me off.  Fuck!  We didn’t get off to a very good start did we? 

We’ve been together only a couple of months, and it has not been easy.  Oh we’ve had our fun times, but we’ve also hit some pretty fucking big potholes, I can tell you.  Times when I thought that we would never make it to this point, but we did. 

I have a life now.  One that I’m happy with.  Finally, Peter Pan has grown up… he’s smelled the fucking roses and grew up.  Shit!  Who ever would have thought?  Not me that’s for sure. 

I really don’t know where we are headed, but all I know is that it will be one hell of a ride.  The funny thing is… I want to go with it.  I want to experience it all.  The ups and the downs.  I want to have the fights and the make-ups.  I want it all.  I think I fucking deserve it all. 

Yes, people, I am turning into a lesbian… fuck!  All the talk about relationships, and commitment.  Well I guess Justin brings it out in me.  Cause I want that.  He lets me be that type of person.  He doesn’t laugh in my face if I do something stupid.  He doesn’t blame me for shit that I didn’t do.  He’s different – in a good way. 

I think I’ve been looking for something like this my whole life.  Someone who challenges me, who completes me. 

If there were ever two people who were complete opposites it would be Justin and I.  Where he’s strong, I’m weak.  And visa versa.  I don’t really believe in soul mates… in someone being the other half of you.  But with Justin, I am beginning to wonder. 

Mikey.  Well that whole mess hasn’t changed in the past week. He’s still pissed that I left.  I know that he still wants me to be there for him, he still wishes for that impossible dream that we will one day be together, but I can only hope that one day he will see that it will never happen.  I don’t love him that way.  Mikey’s my best friend, will always be my best friend.  But I will give him up – if I have to – to be with Justin. 

Justin is a friend – better friend to me than Mikey ever was, unfortunately.  With Justin I see where Mikey and I went wrong all those years ago – for many years.  Yeah, I led Mikey on… I gave him the belief that something might happen between us.  I stopped him from having a life.  I only hope that with me gone, he will finally see that the type of friendship we had was destroying both of us.  I hope that we can come out of this stronger and healthier.  But who knows. 

Justin listens – really listens.  He tells me when he thinks what I’m doing is wrong.  He won’t let me fall on my face.  He tells me when I’m being irrational – or as he tells me ‘queening out’.  Fuck!  He doesn’t take my shit either. 

Of course I won’t take his either.  We both have ways of fucking up, but the fun part of it all… is making each other realize that what we are doing is wrong.  Shit some of the ways we convince each other to do things… fuck! 

Wouldn’t you like to be a fly on the wall? 

Anyway, Justin helps make me a better person.  He won’t ever make me choose between him and anyone else. He will let me make mistakes, and he won’t rub them in my face.  He lets me be myself, and not expect things from me that I can’t deliver. 

I can only hope that what we have will last.  I don’t know if I could go back to the way things were before.  I don’t know if I want to.  Justin changed me.  And I don’t know if there’s ever a way to go back.  Time to move forward.  No matter what the outcome of us will be.  I’m finally on track of where I wanted to be in my life. 

Look forward, never back. 

In the end, we’ll all be happy.   
  

* * * * * * *

It’s New Years eve and Brian and I are sitting on the couch trying to decide what we want to do.  Myself?  Well I’m not for going to a huge party.  I know I should, for appearances and all.  But I guess this year… I want something simple.  Something for me. 

For the past couple of years… hell almost all my life, I had done things for others.  Been places that would look good.  But I’m tired of it.  For once, I’ve decided that I don’t give a damn about what anyone wants.  For once, I am going to do what I want.  Well what Brian wants will be taken into consideration, of course. 

So we decide on just staying in.  Maybe making an appearance at the small celebration down on the beach.  But for the most part, it will be a nice quiet night at home.  Just the two of us. 

New Years.  New Beginnings.  At least for us.  I made a promise to myself that I would let go of the past… let go of all the bad shit that had ever happened to me… to Brian and I.  I made a promise that this year… 2004 would be our year.  I would listen more, and not make assumptions.  I would let Brian be a part of my life, and my heart – more so than he already is of course.  But I promise to be honest with him.  If he does something to piss me off, I’m going to tell him.  Plain and simple. 

Of course I hope that he will do the same for me.  I know that my life is hectic.  I have a lot of shit on my plate, and I won’t have a lot of free time to put a lot of energy into our relationship, but I promise that I will try to make time.  I have to, if we are ever going to make this work.  I have to take time out and spend it with him.  I have to give my all to this, or else all of this… everything that I wanted out of life, will be for naught.  I love Brian, there is no doubt in my mind.  He’s it for me.  So I will do everything in my power to make this work.  I have to. 

We were joking around the other day about him coming to work for me.  I mean Blake had decided to move to Pittsburgh permanently.  I guess him and Ted are going to try and give their relationship another shot.  I’m happy for him, I know what Ted meant to him. 

Needless to say I’m out of a PR person.  So I was jokingly suggesting to Brian that he come work with me.  He’s good at selling things… he could sell me.  Fuck, did that just come out sad and wrong? 

So anyway, we’re going to see.  We’ll give it a shot, see if we can do it.  If not then I’ll find someone else, but at least we’re going to see.  I mean neither one of us wants to be away from each other for months at a time when I have to go on location.  So who knows?  I guess time will tell.  But at least we’re talking about it all. 

Of course there’s always the thought that maybe by the time I have to go on location we will want the time away from each other.  Who knows?  I don’t know why it would be that way, but right now I realize I’m still in the ‘honeymoon’ phase, so that explains a lot. 

I don’t want to be far from him.  I don’t want to be without him.  And the funny thing is… I know he feels the same.  We’re happy – really happy.  Yeah, we fight.  Fight like mad, but that’s just our personalities.  You can’t expect two totally different personalities – two very strong personalities – to not fight when enclosed in a small area day in and day out.  It’d be ridiculous. 

Of course the make-up sex is hot.  Sex with Brian is always hot, I don’t ever see that changing.   
  

* * * * * * *

We make our way out of the loft, finally, and head down to the beach.  Who ever would have thought that I would be somewhere on New Years Eve that didn’t involve a lot of clothes.  Pittsburgh is fucking freezing this time of year, and here I am out on the beach.  Eat your fucking heart out guys! 

So 2003 is almost over, and I guess you could say that my ‘past’ life was almost over as well.  2004 will be a whole new start for me. 

I have the new job, which will go into full swing the first of the year.  I have Justin.  I don’t know anywhere else I would want to be. 

It’s frightening.  And to say that I’m not scared shitless would be a lie.  I am.  I’m afraid that I will screw things up, that what I feel now… what I have with Justin now won’t last.  Of course Justin tells me that we can’t dwell on that.  We can only live our lives day by day… take what we can get.  Spend whatever time we have together and hope for the best. 

I guess that’s my New Years resolution.  I will try my fucking hardest to make this work.  To make what we have together last.  I’ll even talk.  I’ll ask him things, share things with him.  I’ll do whatever I can to make this work.  I have to. 

And it’s not only for Justin… it’s for me.  I want it to work.  I want it to last.  I am not ready to lose this now.  Not after I worked my ass off to get here.  I had never worked so hard for something before in my life, and I don’t plan on giving it up now that I have it.  Fuck that shit.  No way.  Justin is mine and I plan on keeping it that way for years to come. 

Now here’s the problem though.  I don’t know how.  I have no idea how to make a relationship work.  I don’t even know if I can say the words.  I want to.  I do.  I want to tell him what I’m feeling, but I just don’t know if I can.  But I have to.  If I want to make a serious go at this, I have to be open.  I have to tell him. 

So I guess it’s time to fully cross that line.  To really make a go at this.  It’s too late to back out now.  So I turn to him, as the count-down begins.  “Justin… there’s something I need to tell you.  Something that I have…I never thought I would be able to say to anyone… so just bear with me here.  Okay?” I begin.  I see him looking directly into my eyes.  It’s almost like I can see into his soul.  I can feel what he feels, see what he sees.  I see the love he has for me.  The hope he has for our future.  I know that this is right.  I know that things will be okay.  We will be okay. 

Cause Brian Kinney says so. 

And with Justin by my side, there’s nothing that will stand in our way.   
  

* * * * * * * 

The End

 


End file.
